Post wedding blues

OP is 2018.

I was thrilled when my son got married and a few years later I gained a beautiful grandchild.

Next of kin is whoever you state you want o fill that role. I held it for an uncle who was not a blood relative at his request.

It was on all his hospital and care home forms. he had an elder brother also in a care home and suffering from dementia.

When you marry, your spouse is your default next of kin unless you declare otherwise.

Next of kin does not mean closest blood relative.

My MIL was very depressed and teary when I married her only child who had left home five years before. I should have been more sympathetic. She was prescribed antidepressants but never took them. She was fine after a few months.

I feel exactly the same! Been tearful and emotional and snappy. Photos of me don't look so good which also hasn't helped.

I remember this feeling, but I think it was just that after months of planning and excitement, it was suddenly all over. The forthcoming wedding inevitably occupies a great deal of head space, and when it comes to an abrupt halt, it’s easy to feel a little empty. Don’t worry, it’ll pass!

How great is Gransnet!!
This is the first time I have posted anything here and what great reassurance and advice I have been given.

Thank you all x

P.S My other dil said that as I dont have a daughter, I should go with her one of her many wedding dress shopping trips and I feel priviledged that she chose one when I was with her. What a lovely thing to do. Have gained 2 great daughters not lost 2 sons.

I think you are probably reacting in a reasonable way. It is a loss and it will be mourned which doesn't mean it is not right. It’s a transition and your reaction is far more healthy than those mothers who do not accept or recognise it. The wife does take precedence and you are lucky you have a daughter in law who likes you and you like her. It’s good. You've done your job very well and as others have said in time you may have grandchildren. That’s how I console myself, you can’t keep them as children. Well done you

Millie it is only a temporary feeling of loss before you realise and enjoy what you’ve gained. I notice you use WhatsApp to communicate with ds, we have a whole family group and then we have separate groups with each ds and respective wife. That way you are always chatting to both and making dil feel ‘in’ the family, part of everything and no secrets. We only ever use one to one WhatsApp if we’re arranging a surprise.
Concentrate on being a bigger warm loving family and your sadness will abate.

The ‘Daily Mail’ had an article about how the MOG is often left out of the ceremony and, as the MOB, I emailed it to my daughter and we are trying very hard to make sure the future MIL is included on the day and in future life. She is a lovely women, adores her son and I would hate her to feel abandoned and left out of her son’s life. She has been very kind to my daughter. We only have one life and should spread the love and luck around.

Immediately after the weddings of two of my DDs unfortunate accidents occurred to them/their partner. It was all very hard to deal with, simply because we were all feeling very emotional anyway after the weddings. I look back and shudder. But both couples won through and have their own lovely little families.

My sister in law's friend's only relative was her brother in law so the friend made my SiL her NoK.

Mawbroon is quite right. When my partner of over 40 years died our daughters (as next of kin )were the only ones to be able to sign anything regarding his cremation, disposal of his estate etc. What we considered liberating and unconventional when we were younger was a reality check for me when he died. I was relegated to the role of bystander.

Forgive a lengthy “cut and paste” but I too was surprised at the authority with which GabriellaG defines “next of kin”
If you get bored, it is only the early bits which matter.
This is the legal definition of “next of kin”

Next of kin refers to the person entitled to the estate when a person dies without leaving a will. As next of kin if you believe that a will has been made but has not been found you can take steps to try to trace a will. In the event of no will being traced the estate will be shared out under the 'rules of intestacy'. These rules set out who deals with the estate and who benefits from it

Next of kin are chosen in a strict order set out below

The husband, wife or registered civil partner of the person who has died. (But not their unmarried or unregistered partner - common-law spouse).

Children of the person who has died if they are over 18 or their children's descendants (i.e their grandchildren) if they are over 18

The parents of the person who has died

Brothers or sisters of the person who has died providing they have the same mother and father as the dead person (or descendants of the brothers and sisters)

Half brothers or sisters of the person who died providing they had either the same mother or the same father as the dead person (or their descendants) .

The grandparents of the person who died

Uncles or aunts 'of the same blood' of the person who died (that is to say brothers and sisters of the dead person's parents providing they had the same mother and father as the dead person's parents) or their descendants

Uncles or aunts 'of the half blood' of the person who died (that is to say brothers and sisters of the dead person's parents providing they had the same mother or father as the dead person's parents) or their descendants

If there are no living relatives the Crown (the state) will deal with the estate and will also have any benefit from the will

In the case of brothers and sisters having equal right to deal with the estate letters of administration will normally be given to the first to apply.

Thannks for all your kind messages. It means a lot to know I'm not the only one!
I have 2 sons Irenelily, the other one is getting married this August! We talk almost every week and send photos and messages via Whats App (what a brilliant invention) My new DIL has just invited us to lunch for my sons birthday which is lovely of her.
Her family is very big too, Seftongran, so I guess I feel a bit the same as you but I'm glad she has not got a tiny family like us (a grand total of 8!)
keffie and sarahellenwhitney, I try very hard to be a nice MIL and think I am suceeding - I was invited to her hen weekend and it was great!
I agree with you DiWi and Overthehills, about my lovely thoughtful DIL and my son's happiness and they both want children......
Thank you all again, I am already feeling better as I havent cried today!

Gabriella G - I don’t know where you get that idea from! The spouse is the legal next of kin and the ‘second tier’, as you put it, are the (adult) children. Parents and siblings come after them.

I don't see it like that. I have gained a lovely DiL. I have one daughter who lives abroad. Our DiL is absolutely the perfect one for our eldest. We get on well. She is very close to her mom who lives minutes away. They had there first child last August. I accepted right from the beginning her parents would see more of our Grandson.

It doesn't mean I am not a little envious of her mom at times (not in a nasty way) however she never stops our eldest helping us out. They have 2 cars. We don't have one.

She knows I dont interfere. We see them twice a month. We seen more of them over Christmas this year than her parents did with the way it worked out.

I know some DiLs and some Pil can be nightmares which doesnt help. I just don't see it like alot do.

I share our eldest now and quite rightly his wife comes first.

My ex deceased MiL was a nightmare and whilst I am not like her i was determined to be the extreme opposite of her.

My MiL now by my 2nd husband is wonderful. I ensure she is in the loop and we get on well

I felt exactly the same after my daughter's wedding. Floods of tears on and off for a few weeks after. Just a release of emotion. I was the same after her graduation ceremony too. It will pass!

DiW1

Next of kin is officially the closest living bloodrelative. Your son's wife is not his next of kin.
You and his father are first and his siblings are second tier next of kin.

You are not alone! But try not to worry because you will get over it. I feel like you every time my son leaves to drive to his home five hours away but it only lasts for a little while now. At first I used to remind myself of all the positives - lovely DiL (exactly who I would have chosen!), happy home, good job, and above all a good relationship with him and that helped. I’ve never felt like the second woman - I’m his Mum, she’s his wife - win win! Be kind to yourself, it will pass, I promise.

You have been the one woman in his life now there are TWO of you. My own mil could not accept her boy was now a husband until I produced two grandchildren and that is when it all changed.She took me under her wing and could not do enough for me.

I think it is just the come down after the build up of the wedding & all the planning etc.
Console yourself that hopefully soon there will be gorgeous grandchildren for you to spoil. Trust me they are even better than our own children!

I experienced exactly the same when my younger son got married to the girl who is now my wonderful DIL. 4 days after the wedding I woke up in tears and it took me ages (and a walk up a mountain) to work out why. I think it's because as the mother of sons you are used to coming first with them. You're the first woman in their lives on all sorts of levels. When they marry the pecking order officially changes. Of course in reality it had happened to me a few years previously when my son met and eventually started to live with his lovely girlfriend but a wedding makes it formal. You're no longer next-of-kin. It's the natural order of things but it takes a bit of adjustment
There's also a clue to these feelings in the way they kick in after 4 or 5 days -remember the 4 day baby blues? Emotions all over the place....
My advice is to just hang on in there. Life is full of breadth as well as depth. Your family has grown, not diminished. I hope your life will be enriched as mine has by a lovely thoughtful DIL, my son's happiness and contentment and.....grandsons!

Yes, I recognise your feelings. My son lives down in the south. He married an Indian girl with a big family all living close by. I was worried that he would be 'swallowed up' by them and we would lose contact. I suppose (6 years later) that has happened to some extent, but we now have two lovely GC and we are the 'exciting' grandparents because they don't see us so often. DS keeps in touch by occasional phone calls and WhatsApp messages!

Yes, I remember the transition from being No 1 woman to surviving pretty much nowhere at all. Difficult but decidedly self indulgent and the upside is I was so happy to see him moving into adult life so successfully. Fact is every day I wish I could see a bit more of him but he is in a very busy modern life. Mmmmmmm. Love him to bits.