DIL wont visit my house....

I would be hurt too. If you knew the reason you could choose whether or not to do something about it. The only valid reason I can think of is if you were a smoker?

Oh what a shame. I can understand how you must feel. Do you actually invite them to your house dare I say formally. Like "would you and the kiddies like to pop in for tea?" If she works as most mums seem to these days I would suggest you give her a selection of dates that is convenient for you. I don't have this problem fortunately as my only DGC are my DDS my son doesn't have any. Nevertheless she works so visits are always prearranged.

This must be hurtful. You don't have a pet she is worried about, perhaps?

Best thing is to just ask them - don't say 'why don't you like me?' but 'is there any reason why you don't come to the house?'

Worth asking I guess - how very uncomfortable for you.

It does feel hurtful but worse so because you don't know why???
I think asking why she doesn't visit is far too direct and she will not answer it honestly because she ll be put on the spot
Have you ever considered asking your son on his own and explain to him that if hurts and could they just make it a small visit to start with
The only things I can think of is dogs or pets could she be allergic or uncomfortable around pets, some people have different levels of cleanliness could she be a clean freak or is she a snob or does her aloofness cover up a fear of being out of her environment can her possessiveness be clinginess I think the answers lie with your son not your daughter in law

There was another story very similar to this a good while back I can't remember the posters name so not sure if it was you maybe not but the poster always had to meet at a daughters house for Christmas but it all hinged around dogs and when that was suggested the poster stopped posting

I do remember someone posting that her DIL refused to visit because she was a non-smoker and it was a smoking household. Could this be the problem?

Maybe your DiL sees the family home as part of her husband's life that she was not a part of?

Either that or are you a smoker?

Why not ask your son?

I see you blaming your DIL for a lot here.
Where's your son in all this?
She is not his secretary. If you don't see them. That's soley because of him.
The fact she's organised visits to her family is not relevance to you.
Do you smoke? Is your house child friendly? Do you have animals?

Yes, could be any of the above reasons granny but if not, issue a formal/infirmal invitation to them to stay with with you.Tell your son that you would love a visit.
Your DIL sounds possesive and insecure.

Are the "things" that you want to show your grandaughters your dogs?

I remember, as a child my father took my sisters and I to visit his mother and father every Saturday afternoon. We had tea, and played with the toys, looked at Granny's little weather house, and her nick nacks. I never remember my mother accompanying us.
She was always on good terms with my paternal grandparents, but never visited their house.

'Your DIL sounds possesive and insecure.'

What are you actually basing that on?
BecUse her DIL may not like Op? She doesn't have to!
She doesn't have to have anything to do with OP.
But if oP isn't getting updates, phone calls etc that is not the DILs problem.

I've ferreted it out. Yes, it was grannygranby.
www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/a1231786-DIL-problems-that-I-dont-get

Did things sort themselves out for Xmas, grannygranby?

Following up on the link FarNorth gives. I think the problem is clear. Your DiL does not want her children going to a house where there are dogs. It is the dogs that are the problem and the evidence that they live in your house, even when they are elsewhere; smell, fur, the danger, hygiene are all things that can worry someone who doesn't like dogs. Your grandchildren may have asthma or allergies or be frightened of dogs. You do not say what kind of dogs you have or how many

I think you need to accept that just as you love dogs, especially your own, other people really do not like dogs and do not want to be anywhere they are or where they live. Both views are equally valid.

You talk about your DiL being cold, do you not think that you too are being unreasonable?

FarNorth I thought the OP rang a bell. I think that it is very hard for dog lovers to understand the mindset of those of us who do not share their love of them. A quick pat in the street is one thing but staying in a house with them can be a most uncomfortable experience. I for one don't enjoy being sniffed and licked and having dog hairs all over me. I don't expect others to love my GC so why I am expected to love other people's dogs. The same applies to smokers and I speak as an ex smoker.

Having said that I do think it's very sad that the OP's son cannot tell his mother the reason for them not visiting her at her home. Not knowing the reason must be awful.

I hate dogs. Always have. The smell of them makes me feel sick, especially the smell of wet dog. I hate the way they jump up and sniff my crotch. My uncles both used to keep big bouncing dogs and when my DSis and I were little,one of the,dogs knocked me over. My DSis got scratched on the face right by her eye. Plus the boxer dogs of one uncle would do eye watering breaking wind. It was revolting.
I have a close friend who has beloved dogs. She accepts that I will never visit her house. She comes to mine or we meet out.
You would never be able to persuade me to go near a dog, or be inside a doggy home.

Perhaps you need to ask why this has become important to you. Why are you dreading a family lunch as this it should be a happy family occasion for all the family including your grandchildren. Please try to look at the occasion positively. After all at least your birthday is remembered and you will see your family.

Paternal grandparents generally see less of their grandchildren it's how it is but that doesn't preclude your son taking some responsibility to maintain relationships on behalf of his children. I would suggest an adult non judgemental conversation with your son to explore if there are any issues and explain how you feel. Keep in tough with your grandchildren in other ways, phone, letters etc

I'm not a dog hater but don't like them jumping up or licking my son as a dog and I do go to his house the dog he as I've known since it was a pup and is a softy but I dread the day they get another I have a friend who as a dog and it stops me going to hers she does understand though . Unfortunately you have to see everyone's point of view .

Sadly you are never going to win with her. She may have a very genuine reason for not wanting to your home or it may be some sort of power play. I think you have to accept that your son has prioritised her and that she is indifferent to your feelings. So sorry for you but I can only advise that you concentrate on your own mental health by accepting the situation.

My SIL would never go to my Mother's house because of her old dog. I never really noticed the smell of the house. I was immune to doggy odour I think. However, one day my SIL remarked on it as the reason why she did not go. My Husband and kids immediately said how much they hated the smell too. I am not saying your House smells, just that it struck me that my mother might have posted something similar.

I dislike dogs too. My problem is the other way round, my son has two large dogs and I tolerate them as best I can, but it does mean that I rarely see him or my grandsons.

Ask your son, why are people so reluctant to ask the obvious person????

If it is dogs offer to put them outside, on colder days I use my car to put the dog in for short visits (like viewers when I was selling house).......maybe she thinks she will be bored, if so make it clear she doesnt have to come and you won't mind.

The trouble with trying to accommodate people and their foibles is, that you keep on making concessions and nothing changes, the direct question is the only way forward.

It can be couched in friendly terms but surely you can ask your own son what the problem is?????

I don't care for the homes of smokers, or dirty homes so I would be embarrassed if I was forced to say but better than never knowing.

It sounds like the dogs are the problem and to be honest there isn't much you can do about it not everyone is a dog lover just be glad and enjoy the fact you are part of your grandchildrens lives my sister had a problem like this with her soil he couldn't stand pets of any kind however her DD still brought the children to visit sometimes with him accompanying them but you could see he was very uncomfortable when the dog was there but the children adored the dog and the eldest one is a real dog lover sadly she often says when I grow up I will have lots of pets but daddy will have to stay in the garden

sil not soil haha