unfaithful son in law

grandmaagain, when people have affairs they seem to somehow enter a new realm of 'reality'; running life on parallel tracks. I have a delightful SIL who (I believe!) adores our daughter - and trying to imagine what I might feel if I discovered he was having an affair is really difficult. I expect you must be feeling a combination of differing emotions - and at the same time you're trying to shore up the rest of the family! What a horrid situation to be in, BUT you're obviously a close family and it's at times like this when you realise the value of that. You can also vent on here at any time and know that you have lots of support, which I'm sure you'll find invaluable - it has been a lifeline for me. Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and .

oh GA after all you have been through my problem seems petty, but oh we did love him and were so very sure he loved her it is a bombshell we never expected in our wildest nightmares

grandmaagain - one thing I am sure of is that pain is pain; whatever the cause! Your problem is NOT petty and what you are going through now will be very similar in lots of ways to what our family is going through. There is grief in your situation too and in some ways it's just as hard I think; there's loss and betrayal, lies and deceit, hurt and sadness......and a child and grandchild for whom life has taken an unexpected and difficult course. You're entitled to your feelings.

grannyactivist you hit the nail on the head with the comment about grans shoring up the family. It all gets a bit much on occasion and you have to pull up the drawbridge and take some time to look after yourself, too. It's so easy for the wise grandparents to get caught in the middle and find themselves mediating and delivering messages to the other party that have been watered down so they don't come across as hostile, or devised to wind the other person up. It takes a toll on your own emotional wellbeing. Whatever the source is, the pain of this situation is just awful and the little person who has only recently entered the world should be protected and loved by everyone involved. I find if I can assure myself I've done the right thing by my grandchild, I can do the shoring up for the others, and take a few hours of refuge from it all when I get chance. Make yourself unavailable every now and again grandmaagain and let them be the adults who have to sort their futures out. Best wishes x

Excellent, common sense speak Carol - So many of us get 'caught up' in the aftermath of our children's failed and broken relationships. We learn to love and trust others with the most precious things in our lives - our own children.........and then be there to pick up the pieces when they are hurting.
As ga says "pain is pain - whatever the cause"
Love to anyone who is going through any kind of pain today........... xxxx

So sorry to hear this - why is it that some men cannot resist the urge to follow where their d* is pointing?

It is so hard, as we always want the best for our children, whatever their age; and also because everyone feels cheated. We develop close relationships with our sons in law - and that is good - but we too are left feeling cheated when something like this happens.

I am sure that you will be a rock for your D and that she will appreciate your support.

Good luck with it all.

thank you all I can't tell you how much your concern means to me at the moment'

grandmaagain I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. I expect you are still in shock as you hadn't known about the previous incident so it seems to have come out of the blue for you. there is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt no matter how old they are and as someone further up has said you trusted him with your precious daughter so it's a betrayal of you and your husband too. It's somehow even worse at this time of year isn't it? I have found gransnet to be a huge source of help and advice these last couple of months and I urge you to use it as it is somewhere you can "talk" without being judged, share your hurt without burdening those you are trying to help, and swear as much as you like at the unfairness of it all and say the unsayable. Believe it or not you will be able to draw on those reserves of strength, which all mothers seem to have, to help your daughter through this sad time. and gransnet will listen to you and acknowledge your feelings. xx

These things seem worse in December too don't they. Is it me or is there an increase in crisis points in affairs near Christmas. The other party upping the anti when they think they are going to be alone at xmas while the adulterous one plays happy families maybe? (Of course I'm going to leave but not until after xmas...)
Makes it more difficult for everyone though at such an emotional time of year.
Big advantage of gransnet is that there is always someone around who can empathise. You don't have to make an appointment and it's free!

GOW and JESSM how you have both hit the nail on the head with your 2 messages! Betrayed is exactly what we feel! we last saw him a week ago today and they were seemingly as "loved up" as they have always been for the past 10 years!! nothing in their body language or anything else gave any hint of what was to happen. we have been to see her today for the first time in their home, now stripped of all his belongings. It is like a sudden death but without a funeral it is surreal. I just can't take it in, his betrayal of her is monumental. my anger has grown to fever pitch and I don't know what to do with myself, I want to Kill him! he that I once loved as a son.

grandmaagain In situations such as these I think that one of the saddest aspects is that often these men have a moment when they 'come to their senses' and realise that the grass wasn't really greener after all. An affair is full of excitement and subterfuge, but when it becomes a full on relationship the cost (emotional and financial) has usually been tremendously high - and then all the usual domestic issues hit: bills need paying, children, ex-wives and new partners need to be juggled, life gets complicated and, in my experience, many men then wish they had just been glad of what they'd had and come to regret their actions. (Albeit too late.) Some go on to become serial philanderers and end up with a sad and lonely old age.
Your family will eventually recover from this, but right now it's a sad and shocking situation and just needs to be got through. (((hugs)))

I think I posted somewhere else - beating the heck out of some cardboard boxes or something like that might help.
It will take a while for your mental map of the world to adjust. It just takes a bit of time. It's a shock. And a loss of something you valued. And someone has been mean to your child!!! Lots to take in. Be kind to yourself.

This may be childish but at the time it afforded a modicum of satisfaction when DD's fiance cheated on her and admitted to it 3 weeks before the wedding. DD's best friend and younger sister had legged it from London to hers as soon as they heard what was happening and they and a couple of other friends took it in turns to sleep at the house. The rat rang to ask if he could collect his suits for work etc plus personal things so BF got a black bag and filled it with what he needed. Then she asked DD which was his toothbrush (as he had left everything) she took it and carefully brushed round the inside of the toilet bowl before putting in his washbag. As I said, childish but it made her feel good.
From what I have heard he is not a happy man, nor did he deserve to be so I echo what GA says about realising that the grass is not greener. But too much can be lost and it is hard to trust ever again. Like the others I send you the biggest HUG I can think of and wish you strength for your DD and your family.xx

grandmaagain just to say thinking of you, it is horrible when there are young children too

grandmaagain, I thought I was going to write something profound but realised it had all been said. What a great deal of collective wisdom and experience we have to tap into here. You can almost always find something that helps. We are so fortunate to have found each other. Meanwhile, I can say no more than just be there to support your daughter as and when she needs you. It may be in unexpected ways but you're her mum - you'll be ready. [fthanks]

I meant without the f.

this time last year elder daughter was planning her wedding to her long time partner when his father was rushed into hospital he was in and out from then on dying in march. younger DD found out she was pregnant with their much longed for child there followed hospitalisation for hyperemisis 2 suspected miscarriages 2 further admissions when babe stopped moving, then the wedding in july. ten days after younger DD suffered complications in delivery a failed epidural, further hospitalisation to repair a dural tap caused by the failed epidural. also in january my DH had a cancer scare which we kept from the girls thinking they had enough to think about. All I wanted for christmas this year was to cook a huge dinner and have my whole family sit round the table happily eating it, not much to ask after a year like that was it? the wedding was lovely by the way and babe is fit and healthy so we have things to be grateful for and I am still going to cook that dinner there will just be 1 less at the table.
I have spent part of the day ripping up photos witth the offending SIL on but it does'nt help I still love and hate him in equal measures i feel like I am going mad DH is very quiet and so very hurt they got on so well now he feels betrayed.

Not something that they talk about much, being male, but men do react to things in a totally different way to women. Sometimes, when things are going a bit wrong in their lives, losing family members, wives being pregnant [even when they want the child themselves] they use affairs as a sort of escape. I'm not putting forward excuses, but when my husband had an affair and our marriage ended he was totally irrational about the whole thing and didn't understand why he was hurting both me and our children. It was as if he was on drugs. I wonder if your SIL actually understands why he has behaved in such a way? I do understand how you feel about him, though. You can't just stop loving someone who has been part of your life for a long time, but that love depends totally on how they treat your own child and grandchild. Complicated, life, is it not? But you will sit down as a family at Christmas, and time will heal and everyone here understands your sadness. Take care.

grandmaagain I feel your deep disappointment in every sentence. It has been a dreadful time for you and just when everything looked as if it was coming together, this had happened to make things fall apart. You have been shouldering a lot of burdens and this is the last straw. Please, be kind to yourself. You do sound as if you are at the end of a pretty long tether. Good will eventually come out of all of this, though it may not seem like it right now. We're here for you. (((((hug)))))

grandmaagain I feel your deep disappointment in every sentence. It has been a dreadful time for you and just when everything looked as if it was coming together, this had happened to make things fall apart. You have been shouldering a lot of burdens and this is the last straw. Please, be kind to yourself. You do sound as if you are at the end of a pretty long tether. Good will eventually come out of all of this, though it may not seem like it right now. We're here for you. (((((hug)))))

Sorry - I must have double-clicked or something!

grandmaagain, Christmas will come and like you say, you'll cook that lovely dinner and you'll all sit down to it. There will be one person less at the table, but you'll be fine - there's still another little person at the table (or at least nearby!) who wasn't there last year. Christmas-time can be such a sad time when things have gone wrong, and it seems to rub the salt in the wound, doesn't it? The New Year will follow, though, so perhaps that will be a turning point for your daughter. You take good care of yourself. There's only one 'you'.

yet again thank you all .both DDs are coming for tea tomorrow it will be good to see them together they are very close and this all blew up while elder DD was away for the weekend so she has only found out today she is going to be devastated too she loved her BIL as did her new husband, more pain for more people, their little girl adored her uncle they all were so very close. why oh why oh why has he done this to us?????????????????? rhetorical question I know dear ladies you cannot tell me.

I too can hear the hurt in what you write. Your daughters will gain much strength from their parents and each other, that is testimony to wonderful parenting and you can be very proud. You have lost a son in law, but on the positive side you have a lovely new grandchild. This last year has tested you as a family but from what you write, when the chips are down you are all a source of strength for each other. Your SIL is the loser, and despite all the pain your DD is suffering, I think she is the more fortunate person to have your love and support.
This will bring you a together as a family and it will be that family which supports your little grandchild as well as your daughter.What a year you have had, but remember "it's not the cards you are dealt, but the way you play them"

Wise words gracesmum. It's amazing what positives can be pulled from adversity.