Adoption - has it affected you

I feel humbled by all the above experiences and I think I am an ungracious wretch for complaining. Love and hugs to everyone

Not at all flowerfriend. Children are entitled to know who they are and to feel secure in their identity, so it's no wonder you were knocked off course a little when you discovered the details of your adoption. Life gives you knocks one way or the other - so many Gransnetters who were not adopted but did not feel love and affection from their mothers also carry that yearning for something that has been missing. It's important that we can all come to terms with who we are and learn to try and redress the balance for the next generation.

There are two things I'd like to raise which may make me seem a heartless bastard (I try not to be heartless but I do have the papers to prove that I'm a bastard so I use the title proudly!)...

1.) I had a mate at school whose father was one of "The Few" flying fighters for the RAF and my mate totally worshipped him. His parents chose to tell him he was adopted when he was 13 and the kid was so confused and gutted that he attempted suicide. Lots of help over lots of years and he's ok, but what a trauma to put a kid through? Adoptive parents must tell their adopted child s/he's adopted. There is absolutely no excuse not to. I was always told I was adopted, in fact my Mum said they used to tell me as soon as I could talk that I was adopted. I remember being in an argument with a snotty little shit in the school playground and saying to my foe "Well at least I know my Mum and Dad wanted me!"

2.) In 1957 my birth mother relinquished me. In 1958 the court ratified the adoption and a legally binding contract was agreed by all parties that the adoption was finalised and that confidentiality was assured by law for all parties. What gives anyone the right to breach that contract? If I sell a house or car I can't go back in 20 years time and say I've changed my mind, so why should adoption be any different. We all make decisions, sometimes with bad advice or coercion and with hindsight we may regret them, but still those decisions were made and we have to live with them.

PoppaRob The adopted child didn't sign a contract, what about their rights to choose. Also women who were coerced into signing, don't they have the moral right to know what happened to their babies? One more thing, since when are people the same as houses or cars?

@Faye... I did say I was heartless...

I never had a choice when my parents sold the family home because I was only a child. Should I be able to go there and say I loved that home and I miss it and I wish they never made the decision to sell it, so can I have it back or can I perhaps come visit it sometimes? Of course you're right, a person is not a chattel like a house or car, so if anything a contract regarding the change in ownership or guardianship should be even more sacred.

As for the person who was coerced into relinquishing their child... Can we agree that a parent's first and most important responsibility to a child is to care for the physical and emotional wellbeing of that child? I would make the case that the relinquishing mother wanting to revisit the decision (even if made under duress or coercion) to relinquish her child in any way goes against that responsibility. She may regret it, she may be forever gutted by it, but once made and signed into law the decision should be final and respected at law and all she can do is hold the hope that somewhere her child was loved and wanted.

In life and as in physics, there are no privileged frames of reference. It is what it is and we live with it.

Diva it saddened me to read that you felt you had to wait so long to trace your birth mum. For my daughter, for me and for her b'mum I feel that dd1 got the timing right and I'd have been far more upset if she'd gone ahead without telling me. I'm still the one she turns to for babysitting, emotional (and occasional financial) support plus all the day to day family stuff.
When they were little I often wondered if I was in fact good enough to be entrusted with these particularly precious children. However the day came when I felt that we'd done absolutely the right thing.
At 20, she announced that she was unexpectedly pregnant and immediately said, ' I'm assuming, Mum, that we won't be discussing any alternatives to having this baby'. She then came home to live with me throughout the pregnancy and until GD was 6 months old - when they moved into a flat just 5 minutes away.
Her own children know the full story and are happy to have her birth mum and half-siblings in their lives too.

well said Faye I did not sign any contract - I had no choice - the child in those days was the problem to be got rid off - the mother treated like dirt in a lot of cases - that is not fair . We all make mistakes - we are after all human - but the authorities then were cruel and heartless.
PoppaRob you were very lucky - and a good few are - but for some of us the road was fraught with being - bullied and verbally abused - I have fought my demons all but one anyway. And thank GOD for the natural family I found, and yes after getting over the intiial shock - my mom was 70 after all - I was welcomed with open arms - as she said you are my flesh and blood I could never turn you away - I love and miss you mommy xx

Perhaps we hear more about adoptions that haven't been hugely successful and happy rather than those that have. I know a least two very confident, lovely and much-loved contemporaries who were adopted and now have wonderful families of their own. I know one contemporary couple who adopted their two children, now grown-up with successful careers and families of their own. None of these people felt obliged to tell anyone else that they or their children were adopted.

It should not be forgotten that children can lead desperately unhappy lives with their birth families too.

It behoves those of us who had happy and fulfilling childhoods, whether with a birth or adoptive family, to count the blessings that flowed from being loved.

Don't agree with you Popparob and never will about this issue. Children can't give consent and many of the young women who had children that went for adoption were children themselves. It is the right of the child to know about themselves from birth. Your choice if you are not interested - there are many more who would want to know.

It seems to me that the two sides of the -argument- discussion (?) would appear to be ...
1. the adoptive child's right to find out their history
2. the birth mother's right to privacy

Yes the adoptive child can decide to seek out or not to find their birth mother ...two options

But ...and I recognise that many birth mothers wish to be 'found' and nothing but happiness can eventually be found ...what of the rights of the birth mother who, for what ever reason, who doesn't wish to be found?

This is the only experience I have of this situation ... a cousin decided to tract down his birth mother, without the support of any intermediaries ... with dire consequences.

Again ...what of the rights of the birth mother not to be found??

I think that the issue of being tracked down against your wishes should be part of the counselling that should take place before adoption is considered. I would guess that few or none of the mothers who gave up their child for adoption received counselling, or gave/withheld their informed consent about their child making efforts to contact them 18 or more years hence.

But isn't the current law on the side of the adoptive child ...if they wish to find their birth mother? The birth mother doesn't have the right to now say they don't wish to be found??

DD1's birth mother did indeed give her consent. Jacey stressed the importance of intermediaries and I do agree. The first call was to social services and they had on record the fact that she would be made welcome. Before that call was made I had discussed with her the possibility that she might be disturbing a home and family and might not be welcome. Have to say that social services were helpful and supportive.

My DD had IVF successfully twice, and with the second she donated eggs.

When they completed the forms to allow for the egg donation there was a section that warned her that she could in the future be contacted by a child from that egg donation as the information would be available if that child requested the information.

Wow this opened a can of worms - * Jacey* I totally respected my mothers right to not want to see me, what little information I got from the social services about my mom I sat on for 12 mnths - I had to be in a place in my life where I could accept she may not want to see me.
When I eventually took action I went via Norcap initially - then i wrote to a local paper in the area, of her last known address - I did not say I was searching for my mother, just a searching for a relative - I got 3 letters back two from cousins - and one from my sister - I called her up - her first words to me where" exactly what realative are you to me * my reply that depends on how much you know - she said your'e my sister aren't you - yes I replied - I talked to my mom on the phone for the first time - that evening and a few days later Valentines day 1996 I met her for the first time - It was great- but I would have had to respect her wishes if she didnot want to see me.
For those adopted children - that feel they need to know ( and even some who have had good adoptions feel that sometimes) - they should have the right if they wish to find their birth family. equally vice versa - but I do think that counselling for those who have to give up the child needs to be done and consideration given on both sides - with the advent of new technology - as in *glassortwo's- post even more children may want to know.

There is a brilliant book which explores many of these issues called
The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier.
Gateway ISBN 0-9636480-0-4

I have 3 friends who successfully adopted children(one each) and I know a lovely lady who adopted all 4 of her children, these have all been very successful, full of love with no recriminations and all 4 of the Mums are now grand-parents and great- grandparents, I just wish it was easier for prospective adoptive parents nowadays, the legal and intrusive proceedings deter many loving,intelligent,wonderful childless coupleswho go abroad or look to surrogacy.I find this so sad when there are so many children in care or being fostered.These 'parents' want kids and the kids need good,safe,secure homes.Come on David Cameron, let's see your ideas of speeding up the process ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

As an adoptive mum, I have to agree with what you say Gayle but one thing terrifies me. If DC sets some of his infamous 'targets' for adoption we could see social workers being forced to meet those targets and the consequences could be unthinkable. If the targets focus on finding parents for children in care then possibly they'd be successful, but imagine adding pressure to remove children from homes when what they really need is support in those homes. Don't think there are simple easy solutions.

Gayle Please may I try to present a different picture of what happens in adoption practice today. I currently undertake assessments of prospective foster carers and have close links with adoption agencies. I would like to try to dispel the myth that there are lots of wonderful, loving, caring couples who are turned away for spurious reasons. I accept that there may be the odd case that hits the headlines but even then there will often be another side to the story that is presented by the media.

The reality is that there is a serious shortage of prospective adopters and the current economic climate is affecting this still further. There are few babies available for adoption nowadays, and I’m sure we would all welcome the fact that single mothers are no longer placed under pressure to give up their babies. Sadly, older children have already suffered the damaging effects of their early life experience and subsequent changes of placement. They need more than 'good enough parenting' to overcome this start in life and it is only fair, for the child’s sake, that prospective adopters are thoroughly assessed and educated about what they may be taking on. I never cease to be amazed at the extraordinary people who embrace this, but we cannot pretend that it is an easy task.

I believe that many prospective adopters actually choose to take themselves out of the process when they realise it is not what they thought it would be and not for them; for some of them surrogacy and adoption abroad will provide the baby that is what they really want. Absolutely understandable and what most of us would want, given a choice.

I do accept that there are many problems with the adoption process which need to be addressed, but like em i do not feel there is a simple answer.

I apologise if it is inappropriate to post this message on what is actually a discussion about personal experience of adoption, but I hope it may be of some interest.

Nighowl I found your post very interesting, not only from my own point of view, but because my niece is now setting out on a career which she hopes will be similar to yours. She has just started as a newly-qualified social worker attached to the local authority and is dealing with potential foster parents. She is a caring and loving young woman who takes her career very seriously. If all social workers were like you and her, I don't think we'd have too many problems. Unfortunately like so many professions, we don't always get the right person in the right job!

Nightowl, completely agree with your cogent post.
I used to recruit and prepare prospective adopters for 'hard to place' children (family groups, children with severe physical/mental problems etc.). One couple applying to be adoptive parents almost slipped through the net before it was discovered that they had a very dodgy history and under a previous name had been investigated for child abuse by a different authority. When their application was refused by us they went to the press and made a fuss about being turned down, resulting in letters from the public about social workers being inept and politically correct etc.
We, because of confidentiality, were unable to give any details regarding our reasons for refusal, but at least had the satisfaction of knowing that some poor child/ren had been saved from potential abuse.

grannyactivist it is a hard job isn't it, and so difficult to get across to the general public exactly what we do and why we do it. I am not convinced that the 'name and shame' culture - identifying the 'worst performing' local authorities is going to help the debate or move things on for children in need of families. Neither do I feel that setting targets is going to help - all governments seem to have become obsessed with targets without actually considering how those targets will be achieved. Perhaps if the government proved themselves willing to listen to the experts ie those actually working in the field of adoption, they might learn something.

And em thank you for your kind words. Social Workers thrive on praise though they don't know what to do with it when they get it!! I wish your niece every success in her chosen career. It will certainly be challenging and more difficult now than when I first started many years ago. If I had to offer any advice it would be to hold on to the beliefs and values that made her choose it in the first place, and to take care of herself, because our employers are not ususally very good at doing that.

Hi and thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I've certainly been affected by adoption in my adult life but was blissfully unaware until the age of 29 as my adoptive parents were not honest with me and had persuaded the rest of the family to keep their secret. Yet in my teens I became suspicious. I didn't look or behave like anyone in the family and began to feel like a cuckoo in the nest. My relationship with my mother deteriorated although I always adored my dad. She was controling and went in for a lot of emotional blackmail. When I was pregnant with my first daughter she was unbearably difficult and I felt that something was wrong. Then it happened again with my secong pregnancy so convinced that I was not, could not, be her flesh and blood, I took steps to find out the truth....which was: My mother had been left with myself, a sickly baby who needed hospital care for gastro enteritis and a two year old. Our father deserted her, they weren't married. This was Manchester in the early 1950's and her nice middle class family in Cheshire had disowned her.
So how has this knowledge affected me? Well, I was given away but my brother wasn't. I understand that he was older and that in many ways I was the lucky one, but it's sort of sad. I was six months old when handed over and I know with absolute certainty that I have hidden memories. To this day I have a fear of loss and a fear of hospitals. So much do I dislike rejection that I am everybody's friend and can be far too obliging and polite.
The really strange thing is that when growing up, I always felt that I should have an elder brother...weird! Now that I've found my birth family and several half siblings, I'm told that not only do I look like my mum, but I have her mannerisms too. Isn't that odd?! I've led a charmed life, very different from the birth family's. Funny old world isn't it!
This is very long. If you've got this far, thanks for reading it!

My parents separated during the war and when I was six she left us. From a childrens home, my eldest sister was chosen to live with our father, my brother went to live with an uncle and I went to live with my mothers sister who never adopted me but instead compared me to my mother. I was so unhappy that I left home at 18 and never went back. This lead to a very unhappy marriage where I was abused and raped but eventually got out of it. My siblings and I were all reunited 8 yrs ago but time and the past hasnt helped and we we dont communicate anymore. The strange thing is that my mother and father carried on a relationship in secret until he died. She never made any effort to get in touch with us and my father treated us as if we didnt exist. But I dont feel bitter just very sad that 2 people robbed 4 children of a happy and stable life.

I was adopted when I was 6 wks old, my birth mother was only 15, she was from an Irish family , I was born in an unmarried mothers home in Birmingham, I don't think she wanted to give me up as she gave me a little gold ring and bangle, I haven't tried to trace her, she won't be that old , about 71, if she's still alive, I once phoned the home to see if I could find anything out, I was told the records for the year I was born were destroyed in a fire [funny , there's alot of fires in record buildings]. I don't want to impose on her life or her family , I'd just like to know a bit about myself, I know her name .but fathers name blank. I worry about her in case she was treated badly by the nuns in the home! I was told If I went through adoption agency , I would have to go for counselling before they would help me, I don't want to do this,I know I could try and trace her myself , but I don't know how , as I don't know which part of Ireland she was from, north or south. I always knew I was adopted, my Mum said I was chosen, I had brilliant parents , a great childhood, I wouldn't want to change any of it. I just wonder sometimes about myself, where I came from, and if I have any brothers and sisters!