Adoption - has it affected you

I have a friend who works in adoption and festering, and she speaks to Doppler who want help to trace heir birth mothers. It's a very enabling, adult process and is nt designed to be patronising r n any way

......well, it's all a bit haywire ths morning. Gremlins at work again.

I was saying its an enabling and positive process that helps the person to sift through he possible unwanted consequences and decide how they want to proceed.

A combination of GN gremlins and an iPad with a mind of its own! Doppler should have read people!

The more stories I read, the more I appreciate my mother's courage in insisting that my father allowed my 20-year old sister to bring home her baby. This was 1950 and there was much gossip in the street. My mother wanted my sister to be 'churched' but the priest refused. (It didn't matter to my sister, she had been an atheist for years and had suffered horribly in the catholic mother and baby home).
She married when my niece was about three and had another three children, but I always thought she did not love her husband but just wanted respectability - they lived in a different area. She did not tell her daughter, but my other sister answered our niece's questions when she was an adult - she had always felt that her 'father' treated her differently from her siblings. She was relieved, as she had never liked him. He never adopted .

My own daughter had a baby when she was 20 - she thought the young father would marry her, but he was not ready for such responsibility and just went away. Fortunately, I was then in a position to provide her with a nice little house, pay all her bills, buy all her baby things, etc. Apparently, I made things too easy, as she had another baby,also out of wedlock, two years later. She now has six children and is very happily married and my two grandsons are fine young men, but I think she was very lucky to meet her husband, who is the best step-father you could possibly imagine.

I cannot imagine the pain of having to give up your baby and I am so glad that society is so much more accepting now.

my cousin was brought up by our grandmother & also for a while by my mum as she was still living at home. My aunt was a teacher and had to go to a mother and baby home and then get a job overseas to build up a CV again. She always supported her son financially and took a great interest in him and his life but she never told him who his father was. Once he was an adult and married she was more involved, as perhaps my grandmother by this time was infirm. He always called our grandmother 'mother' and his mother by her first name. I have no idea when he knew the truth of the situation but I know I was in my early teens when I realised that it was not possible for this young man to be my uncle! No-one ever spoke about it and I never asked..just gleaned bits of info here and there from other family members. So glad times are more open for most people now.

Graninmypocket, I had to be at a place in my life when I could deal with possible rejection. We all have questions I feel, about ourselves I had loads, mainly I think when I was a teenager, but the most emotion, came when I held my own daughter in my arms for the first time, I knew she had a grandmother somewhere that did not know her, My father, the most I have is a name, and even that is shrouded in mystry and intriuge, as my natural sister, thinks that aactually her farther is slao my dad, ( its a long story) if you have these feelings then at least fo looking I di. but you have to be in the right place.

I often think my birth mother has 2 grandaughters and 3 great grandsons that she doesn't know about, yes I'd love to find things out but I probably will never do it.

From a different perspective my father was adopted after being fostered.

His mother died when he was two and he was the youngest of 7. His father had his own business and so the two youngest were sent to live with others. Dad's maternal grandparents took my aunt, two years older than dad but couldn't take him, so a neighbouring couple took dad. He saw his dad and brothers and sisters all the time so always knew them. His foster mother was a horrid woman she wouldn't let dad have anything from his father - toys, sweets, presents for birthday or Christmas they were all thrown in the bin. Then when he was 13 he was adopted. He remembered being in court and asked if he know his father which he did. Then a year later he started work.

His adoptive mother hated my mother and called her terrible names and when mum and dad married refused to go to the wedding although his foster father did.

I believe that he couldn't love us a parent should because he was never shown love. He couldn't praise us either, we found out how proud he was after he died. It severely affected his life and I wish his dad had kept him or he could have gone with his sister.

Obviously not all adoptions are like that but when they go wrong, well they go wrong. And dad's adoption had an affect on us as well as him.

Burgundygran that is so sad, and so true

I've been in touch with organisation that dealt with my adoption, it seems they still have my records, I am going to be allowed to see them, so I'll be able to find out stuff about myself, I don't know if I'll take it any further, I'ts going to take a few weeks . I'll let you know what happens.

Adoption is a minefield for all parties and I have found this thread extremely poignant.

I do hope, however, that these personal accounts will give prospective and current social workers valuable insight into the emotive and complicated issues surrounding adoption. In fact I am planning to print this off to give to our (adopted) daughter who has just qualified as a social worker. She has a job lined up in Child Protection with a view to specialising in adoption issues later on.

The honesty and raw emotion displayed by so many Gransnetters is extremely moving and my heart goes out to everyone - whether they are adopted or have, for very sad reasons, had to give up their babies for adoption.

I will probably tell you our own story at a later date. Meanwhile I am trying to digest all the other stories, some of which are really heartbreaking.

I got in touch with adoption society, I had a portfolio of correspondence regarding my adoption sent to me via a sociial worker, includind hand written letters from my birth mother, I also found out my fathers name, It has left me feeling very sad, I don't know what I'm going to do about it, my mother may still be alive she'll only be 72, I'll have to think about,

grannyinmypocket - I sat on the scant information I had about my birth mom for 12mnths before I did anything - and during that time - I kept taking it out of the drawer and crying over it. there was not a lot, but enough to make me emotional - but in the end i did something with it - I had a positive outcome,

Still haven't made my mind up, thought about it alot,

Still pondering grannyinmypocket?? Do keep us informed won't you

If you are pondering grannyinmypocket is it beacause of age - my mom was 71 when I found her I spoke to her for the first time on the 12th Feb 1996 and met her on valentines day that year - It was the best thing I ever did - she passed away 6th May 2007 I was so pround to have known her and received her love - we had 11 happy years of knowing each other - and i miss her - of my father I dont know I was given a name, but a few querys as well - a lot of things going on - should we say!! but I know one thing - my so called adoptive mother, was not fit to wipe the ground my real mom walked on - when I found her - I found the true love and acceptance from a mother that a daugher should have ( sorry if I am going on) for that i am eteranlly grateful

I can't decide what to do, I wish I had done it years ago, when I phoned 17 yrs ago I was told records had been destroyed in a fire, as I had alot of problems in my life at that time I didn't bother to do anymore, and yes it has alot to do with age, my mother will be about 73, maybe too much time has passed,she may not want to have things raked up, although I do not think she wanted to give me up, as I read a letter she had written to the home thanking them for getting me a good home , and saying she was very lonely after me , I was quite upset and sad when I read it, my adoptive parents were absolutely brilliant, I loved them dearly, and miss them so much,so I will always think of them as my mum and dad, also I don't want to upset any other children she might have, or her husband , they might not know! to tell the honest truth I don't know what to do , I have 2 phone numbers of people who might be related,i'll have to think about it, any advice would be gratefully received!

My birth mother died in 2007, she was 68, I have found out I have 4 half brothers and 3 half sisters, don't know what I'm going to do next, they probably don't know about me.