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Worried about adult son's relationship

(57 Posts)
Pigeon Mon 30-Apr-12 08:33:14

How do you stop worrying about your children? My 30 year old son is in a relatively new relationship with a really nice girl who I've met (accidentaly) on a couple of occasions.
She was with someone else when they met but they both fell hook, line and sinker for each other and she ended it to be with him. I have never seen him so happy and was so pleased to think he might settle down with her after being on his own for a couple of years. They both have pressures at the moment (work, money, studying etc) and she is quite a highly strung person. this weekend, after avoiding him all weekshe told him that she feels pressured and "needs some space". He is devasted as she had led him to believe the was "the one" but now he thinks she wants to end it.

Yeterday I spent time trying to reassure him that he would cope whatever the outcome but when I came home later on, I felt drained and full of anxiety - as if it was my relationship about to end! What is the matter with me? I seem to be unable to cope with problems these days? I think in my quest to see him happy and settled, it has almost become an obsession! I just feel so disappointed it may not work out for him.

This morning I am giving myself a good 'talking-to' as I don't think my reaction is healthy! Worrying is one thing, getting all worked up about something that happens to millions of people every day is another thing completely. I will blame the hormones (or lack of them) as although i admit to being a bit of a worrier, I'm sure I'm getting worse!

imjingl Fri 04-May-12 19:34:03

I'll start on mine soon. wink grin

whenim64 Fri 04-May-12 19:43:46

Pigeon that's positive news - he has obviously been able to think things through - well done, your son! smile

Pigeon Fri 04-May-12 19:50:02

Thanks whenin64. I have to say I'm quite proud of him. Getting all sentimental now (or is it just 'mental?). Must be the wine!

Annobel Fri 04-May-12 20:40:03

You're right to be proud of him, Pigeon. He is a real grown-up person and can handle his own life crises, but that doesn't stop you being concerned about him from time to time. I think if someone messes your offspring about, you get that indignant 'how dare they?' feeling! I was there once but my DS was mature enough at 20 to sort himself out - ie he left the country!

ladybird9 Sat 14-Jul-12 09:59:26

just caught up with gransnet after some time away etc., read Pigeon's problem with her son and feel very deeply for her and her son and after reading most of the replies it's pretty obvious we all love our children unconditionally and want them to be happy in their lives. My problem is that my son is gay not through choice and before I was made aware I did not understand or have any sympathy or empathy with the gay community, strange how one's opinions change when issues affect you. I would give my right arm for him to be as we term "normal" , I could write a book on the subject as to how it affects me now. I have been taught a harsh lesson, not to comment on the unknown. I hope Pigeon, that at this time your son has recovered from his dilema, he is obviously a caring loving person and one day will be able to share his life with someone who returns his feelings and live happily ever after (as the story goes). Heartbreak is horrible, but he has youth on his side and the world is his oyster. Best of luck to him and of course yourself x

Greatnan Sat 14-Jul-12 10:22:21

Ladybird - I know it is hard for people of an older generation to come to terms with homosexuality, but in fact your son IS normal and will, I hope, live a full and happy life when he finds the right partner.
Much misery has been caused by homosexual men and women being unable to accept their own sexuality because of what they perceive as the 'shame' of it. My daughter found out her husband was gay after 14 years of marriage and three children. He had fought very hard to repress his true feelings and it made many people very unhappy.
I am so glad that , at least in Britain, most people no longer have a problem with other people's sexuality - young people in particular seem to be very accepting.
I hope you have reassured your son that you love him and accept him as he is - of course he is not gay 'by choice', any more than he has had choice of his eye colour. How much research have you done about homesexuality? You may be surprised to find what a huge range of sexuality there is in humans and other animals, and how many very successful people have been gay.

whenim64 Sat 14-Jul-12 10:39:03

Being straight does not confer relationship happiness, any more than being gay means one is bound to be have unhappy relationships. I would love to see my gay son in a happy, settled relationship but that's my stuff, not his. I love him unconditionally and the gay relationships he has been in (several and varied) have made me realise that he has not yet found a particular type of person who suits him. Meanwhile, he is busy working and studying and is making a lifestyle for himself that he is comfortable with.

Greatnan's point about sexuality being wide-ranging is so true - the continuum of sexual preference is a constantly moving thing that we can move back and forth on throughout our lives. Some people stay at polarised ends and others have much more flexible preferences. The important thing is that no-one is criticised or excluded for their responsible choices in relationships as they become adults.

ladybird9 Mon 16-Jul-12 07:10:12

many thanks to those who have commented on my post regarding my gay son , I DO love him unconditionally and reassure him regularly, it's MY issue and not his, he is a quiet, gentle affectionate person, the real problem for me is how would he deal with those 'out there' who are rebellious against gays. It is so refreshing to be able to 'air' ones inner feelings with people such as those who have taken the time to reply and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
thank you X

Greatnan Mon 16-Jul-12 07:50:27

You may be worrying unnecessarily, Ladybird. 'Coming out' has not done any harm to Elton John and George Michael! There is much more acceptance and understanding in the community at large, certainly in Britain, and if there are a few people still as prejudiced as you admit to having been yourself, your support for your son may help to change their thinking.
I hope you feel able to be perfectly open with your friends and family - there is certainly nothing to be ashamed of and it is quite likely that many people knew before you did.

granjura Mon 16-Jul-12 13:56:49

I feel for you. Our youngest daughter, aged 37, gave up everything in the UK to go and live with her very domineering partner abroad. She invested everything she had into their new business venture, working 24/7 to get it going. And tomorrow evening she is arriving here with nothing - the relationship having broken down. I won't discuss any of her private life here- would never do that on a Forum just in case.

She is beautiful, speaks several languages, excellent work record, so many friends, talented - and yet as a history of being attracted to very good looking, macho and controlling men. Time-out, cuddles and tears- then onwards and forwards.

Greatnan Mon 16-Jul-12 16:01:41

Granjura flowers It never ends, does it? That lifelong commitment to their health and happiness.
I had to bite my tongue for seven years whilst my older daughter allowed a much older man to dominate her and destroy much of her self confidence. I knew that if it came to a competition she would choose him. Finally, she saw sense, and got rid of him and met a lovely man within weeks - they have now been married for 16 wonderful years.
If your daughter is anything like you, she is strong and independent and this may be a blessing in disguise - let us hope she feels she can manage without him and make a good life for herself.

JessM Mon 16-Jul-12 16:26:51

Granjura, it is great that you are there and can provide a bit of a refuge and first aid!
I have always wondered why so many women (including some that are confident and intelligent) fall for bad guys. Most of us have probably succumbed at some stage.
I used to think it was all to do with low self esteem. Now I am not so sure.
I suspect there is a genetic tendency amongst us females to be attracted to apparently "alpha" males - dominant, confident risk takers, who are also often the ones that are unfaithful. And that in their turn, these guys have an inherited tendency to be like this.
That would figure in a Darwininan sense - they tend to be the ones who are unfaithful (as well as unreliable) and who therefore end up impregnating more than their fair share of women. Or maybe they get chased by more than their fair share of women. (Some of whom end up with nice guys in the longer term.)
The two men I married have been at opposite ends of the spectrum in this regard.
Am I making sense?

Annobel Mon 16-Jul-12 16:51:52

Granjura, with your support and love, she will pick herself up and have the success in life that she obviously deserves. But it's hard on both of you at the moment. ((((hugs)))) to mother and daughter.

Ariadne Mon 16-Jul-12 16:55:07

And from me! ((hug)))

granjura Mon 16-Jul-12 17:35:30

JessM you are so right. She is very confident, beautiful and intelligent- and really seems to be (but underneath you never know) so confident. So your 'theory' sounds right.

Southern Tenerife is on fire - and she has just phoned to say she has to stay, as a friend's 16 year old daughter has had to be evacuated with her dogs and has nowhere to go and she just can't leave her whilst her mum is abroad.

crimson Mon 16-Jul-12 17:39:35

..and she's going back to the safety of her home. I never had a 'home' as such to go back to and always thought how wonderful it would be to have 'my home and my room' to go back to when life had stabbed me in the back. Lots of tlc and a pat on the back for granjura for 'being there'.

jeni Mon 16-Jul-12 18:30:15


Wiz Tue 07-Aug-12 11:08:31

Well what an awful few days! I posted on here in May that I was worried about my son's relationship with a domineering partner. On Saturday he appeared out of the blue with the baby and said he couldn't stand it any longer. We told him that he couldn't take the baby away from the mother and my husband and I took him back. When we tried to discuss with my son's partner about the future she got very aggressive and ordered us out of the house! My son has since told us that she has been verbally and physically abusive to him almost every day. I am very frightened that she could do him serious harm. My son said that he's sure that the baby is safe as she adores him. At the moment she is trying to get my son back by saying that they could live separate lives in the same house so they could both be there for the baby. As it is a small property this would be very difficult. As his partner is ill at the moment with tonsillitis my son has agreed to go back until she is better so he can care for the baby at night (he is working during the day). I am so worried for his safety and that she will find every excuse to keep him there when she is better. Any advice?

Mishap Tue 07-Aug-12 12:28:33

Oh dear - what a sorry situation - how difficult for you to know what to do for the best.

I would not share your son's view that the baby is safe really even though she adores him - if she is physically abusive to your son then this shows a lack of self-control and when the baby becomes a defiant toddler she may find this hard to deal with patiently. I can understand why your son might wish to stick around to keep the wee lad safe, but it is not an emotionally stable background for the child either, as I am sure you realise.

It sounds as though it is a very tangled situation - but in the end he has to work his own life out in his own way - standing back and watching this situation must be very hard for you and I can only send my good wishes for a happy outcome. I am sure that he knows that you are there for him and that is all you can really do, unless you have serious concerns about the babe's safety that need to be reported.

harrigran Tue 07-Aug-12 12:50:16

I think you are right Wiz you can not take a baby away from it's mother. Best keep a watchful eye and ask to visit as often as possible so that situation can be assessed.

whenim64 Tue 07-Aug-12 12:58:42

Oh dear, this sounds risky, Wiz. Unfortunately, babies and children sometimes get in the firing line of violent behaviour between adults, so your son cannot guarantee the baby's safety. If she is being abusive every day, the baby will inevitably witness this and learn to copy it. Will she speak to her GP about her behaviour? There are support groups for abused men, and a helpful advice website called Men Hurt Too, if your son would be interested in becoming more empowered and wants to find a way to stop it happening again.

JessM Tue 07-Aug-12 13:49:54

Wise words from Mishap and Whenim64, although mothers may love their children and do their best - that best is not always good enough.

Grannyknot Tue 07-Aug-12 16:12:03

wiz your son has done the right thing by not maintaining the 'conspiracy of silence' he sounds like a wise man, albeit chose the wrong partner. At least now with everything in the open, she may be a bit more careful about her actions. Hugs and good luck, you've lots of support and good advice on here. flowers

JO4 Tue 07-Aug-12 16:56:32

I think the baby will be fine. You say she is domineering. That doesn't mean she is out of control. She is being abusive to your son for reasons we can't possibly know. But that doesn't mean she would harm her baby. Domineering isn't necessarily the same as angry. It sounds more complicated than simply losing her temper and hitting out.

Wiz Tue 07-Aug-12 17:20:54

Thanks everyone for your advice. Grannyknot, I think you may be right as she now knows that we know what's going on. My son is very worried about being denied contact with his son when he leaves her as they are not married. He is named on the birth certificate. Does anyone know what his rights are?