Denied Contact with Grandchildren - August 2012 onwards....

Hello everyone.

Can I say at the absolute outset, that each of you has my sympathies. I have a young grandson who is the light of my life, and cannot imagine the loss you must feel.

So why I am contributing here? Well, because I read Yogagirl's post I wonder how daughters, years down the line feel, about shutting out their mothers for no reason and if they really regret what they've done and felt it deserved an answer. I am a daughter who walked away.

My answer would be that subsequent feelings, and remorse or lack of it, would depend entirely on the reason for walking away. Those who base the decision on petty annoyances, the influence of partners,drugs, alcohol etc will undoubtedly feel a considerable degree of guilt. Sometimes it may even be those feelings of guilt which prevent a re-connection.

For others, like myself, the story is different. I do not imagine anyone here would fit my mothers profile, so please do not take this as a comment on your own situations .....but I walked because my parenting was toxic and emotionally abusive, and I accepted it throughout my life until the same attitudes were turned on my own daughters. At which point I closed the door, walked away and never looked back. No guilt. No remorse. Not at any point then, or in the decade or more until she and my stepfather died. And no, I did not attends the funeral.

I have read the posts here, and see not one which indicates the type of circumstance which causes such an extreme response. So, I believe that your alienated children will feel remorse at some point. Hold the door open, and try to avoid recrimination however much it may be due.,,,,because guilt may be the one barrier left to defeat.

[flowers to you all]

(whoops) to you all

In the fields thank you for that helpful post.

My daughter blames my personality the fact we rowed and my past history of depression which can I say never affected my ability to be IMO good mum to her and her brother. She also said I was violent and aggressive which hurt be more than I can say.

I have ex sis in law who was violent ie smashed chair through for stuff yet her sons love and support her .

Gues ps I was unlucky but one day she may think of all I did for her for 28 years including emotional financial support for 4years uni visiting fertility specialist paying for cancer speculation and going with her for scan etc etc also money to get her home the list is endless buying wedding dress but it seems it meant nothing.

My little estranged GS birthday today. He will be ten I haven't seen him since he was 5

Flowerofthewest I am so sorry for you. If only our collective good wishes could resolve matters for you and all grandparents denied contact with the children that they love. You DESERVE better than this awful state of affairs.

flower (((hugs)))

Hugs from me too flowers so very hard as I know to well. No words are adequate.

My daughter wedding Ann Tom only 7 years since I proudly bought her dress for that happy lovely occasion how can it go so wrong!

Thanks for hugs, means a lot xx

Oh dear, I want to cry seeing only v.sad news on here again. I'm dreaming of being able to put some good news on here, to give everyone some hope.
With God's help, I hope I can do that soon, the next court hearing is in 3 weeks, so fingers crossed! Other than day-dreaming good scenarios, I have terrible nightmares, so now I don't like to go to sleep, the minute my head hits the pillow, even though I'm really tired, this terrible situation just keeps going round and round in my head and I can't think of anything else, no- matter how much I try, and then when I eventually do drop off-nightmares !

My little Jack's Birthday today, I can't phone or txt or e-mail, let alone going around to give him a birthday kiss and hug and to tell him I love him and give him his present! My Laila and Jack's Birthday presents are now sitting next to their Xmas presents and I had convinced myself that wouldn't happen, but there they are
My heart bleeds for you Celebgran, your story is very similar to mine.
Flowerofthewestits so very painful isn't it! I've got to try to get through this day again, after Laila's Birthday and their big party Friday week past.
Thank you soop

Yoga girl keep strong have you tried relaxation cd before bed? Milky drink couple quiet life tablets or double brandy?

my niece break up with her partner is bringing stuff out woodwork I am pretty upset by.

Mainly that my niece who I trusted has seen my daughter more than once dont get me wrong pleased but feel very betrayed neither her or my sister told me.

Keeping everything crossed for your next hearing only wish was me but no point destroying my marriage over it,

Sorry to hear your news Celebgran, everything seems to hurt doesn't it.
I feel terribly betrayed too. My son and my ex-father-in-law(whom I stayed on good terms with for the passed 36yrs) are both blanking me, what lies they have been told I don't know, but they believe them! That's what narcissist (my s-i-l) do, they draw in other family members, put them on a pedestal,the person feels really good on this pedestal and listens to the lies about the target person (me) and the damage is done! My nice daughter keeps saying to me "the truth will come out in the end mum, Jason can't continue to get away with lying all the time, he will get found out!" Well I wish it would hurry up, I don't know how much longer I can take this unending sadness.

Oh yoga girl so sorry to hear that !, your other daughter is right but is so hard in the meantime.

I have not fallen out ith my niece but is extremely hurtful that she went behind our backs and now lies about it.

Stay strong we are all behind you! X

yogagirl it does all come out in the wash eventually. My son had a terrible time with his ex, but he meticulously gathered together all the evidence of her threats and lies, including Facebook pages and joint bank statements that evidenced her spending on alcohol, then put it in a file for the family court judge. Contact was restored and it has gone from strength to strength. It took just under a year and was hell at the time, but it's all over now and my grandson makes it clear that he wants to be with his dad and family, and that he likes dad's new partner, who is loving and supportive to him.

Keep going - you'll get there

Thank you Celebgran, Its hard not to get hurt and you have to bite your tongue to stay friendly with some family members. Its only us on here that really understands the hurt and dismay! Does your sister see your daughter and gc?(can't remember)

Thank you for your kind words Whenim64 and nice to here a happy ending for a change. Its really good of you to still have input on here, otherwise we would never hear the happy endings like yours, I'm very happy for you and your son and gs.
I'm hoping to get to see my gc through the courts, but my daughter is another story, I don't expect to see her again until her marriage brakes up, I pray every day that it will, I know that sounds bad, but he is a nasty cruel boy, and has been to my daughter too.

I'm feeling better today, suppose its because the Birthdays have all gone, the next one is the end of Nov, my daughters, I wonder where all this will be then!

Yoga girl my sister does not see my daughter he is very loyal that way which is why it hurt me so much about my niece.

Be good if she could help!

Think as they have girls same age is reason.

Whenim you were lucky that's brilliant sadly not always the case.
I have friend who won contact with grandkids via court similar situ was her daughter . However it still hurts her so much that her daughter does not want to know her and made situation even worse.

There are no easy answers. Routing for you yoga girl in next hearing.

Feeling really sad again today(as usual). Trying to fight off the erg to e-mail my daughter, is that a wise move so near to the court hearing? I know my nice daughter would say "NO!, don't do it!!" I've no idea how they all are, or what they've all been up to, its so hard to think of anything else. I've ear-marked this whole day to get my work sorted for my up-coming trip abroad, but here I am on Gransnet again!

All my friends and neighbours, even my window cleaner yesterday(his new baby), all full of their grandchildren, showing photo's and film clips and gushing about their lovely little ones, I've said to them I love to see them all, but at the same time I feel gutted!

Yogagirl. I am sorry you are going through this. With the problems I have had with my daughter (although not nearly as bad as what you are going through) I had to fight the urge to phone or text on several occasions. I took the advice given by folks on here to try to 'go with the flow' and get on with my own life. It is not easy but I am trying to do just that. On the occasions when I have spoken to my daughter about the way I feel it has made things worse. And to be honest nothing has changed. I also know that feeling of being gutted. I hope all goes well for you. (Sorry if this posting appears twice, the first one didn't seem to go). Good luck.

Yogagirl I always kept up communication with my grandson by sendng notes, cards, books, DVDS, small gifts. If I had contact with ex-DIL I kept it polite, supportive and friendly (though I could have cheerfully murdered her).

If you can confine your comminication to something along the lines of 'Hi, thinking about you and sendng you best wishes' and that will make you feel a little better, go ahead, but don't attempt to push things in case it backfires.

You will know which is best for you and your situation. Good luck!

I haven't been on this thread for a while, and reading through it brings home all the pain so many loving parents/grandparents are going through at the hands of their own, much loved offspring.
It's coming up to 14 months since the Big Fallout twixt myself and my daughters. I haven't seen my grand daughter born last July (I wasn't even told when she was born) nor grandson since March 2012.
However, there's a Silver Lining. The three girls came over a few weeks ago (when my dear dog died) to scatter her ashes. Since then there's been a very slow trodden path towards healing this gaping wound in my life. All girls have separately mailed me - and I met up with one (plus partner) a couple of weeks ago - we ended up cuddling, which was so reasssuring. The other two daughters have contacted me, and one is arranging a meeting between us. However, the remaining daughter (mum to my grandchildren) is sticking to her guns, and although has mailed me, hasn't made any mention of meeting up. So, it's still 'big steps and little steps'. I do feel for all you other loving parents/grans/nans, and hope that your paths will include meeting your beloved estranged children soon. I could never describe to anyone who hasn't been through this kind of pain just how it feels - it's like dying a little every day. for us all...

Thank you*KatyK*for your advise, I don't know your story, just looked back and not there. Feeling really teary today, my other daughter will be over in an hour, so I need to hang on till then and not send an e-mail, I know my nice daughter will tell me not to and she'll no doubt cheer me up. Haven't touched my work, getting worried about completing it now, just can't get my thoughts around anything else other than my daughter and GC, keep thinking about my precious little Laila calling his mum 'nannie' when she's no blood relative at all, she sees them every day and I'm kept apart, can't even phone them!

Also thank you Whenim64for your advise, my GC are too small to send anything direct to them to read, I did send them their Birthday cards, but I know they wouldn't have been shown them, same as their Xmas cards, they were opened by my daughter and then passed back to my other daughter to be returned to me(at that point my O.D was still allowed to visit, but she now hasn't been allowed to see any of them since Jan.)

Your situation sounds promising Goose so I wish you luck.

Thank goodness yoga girl that you have your other daughter keep positive and don't let it drag you down too much is hard I know try stopping chain of thought and thinking of spoiler stuff it can work.

Hope you had lovely time with your other daughter x x x

So sad this week little mollie our much loved granddaughter will be 5 on Saturday like a knife in my heart thinking of last 4 years it without even photo.
We have chosen her a lovely card and next voucher just hope she knows from us and is allowed card.
Nothing else can do.

celebgran I hope the hospital visit went well. I have lots of problems currently in my life but to be deprived of seeing my grandchildren is awful to contemplate. My thoughts for a resolution for you are uttermost in my mind.

How kind Ann sixty! Yes was ordeal they recommended no sedation was uncomfy! Good news bleeding was only tiny hammeroid doctor felt too small to remove.

And thanks Galen for flowers