ungrateful selfish daughter.....help !

Sit down with her and tell her there is a budget, make a list of the most urgent jobs to make the house habitable, then do the other jobs over a period of time - you don't say if she is working, if she is then she should make some contribution. My DH and I renovated a number of houses and lived in them whilst doing the work - its not pleasant but can be done.

angiebaby

Spoilt brat behaviour is what went through my mind too. I think she needs ignoring for a bit.

What are you afraid of angiebaby? Are you so worried about "losing" your daughter that you will do anything rather than lose her affection?

What a terrible shame........if love depends on this emotional blackmail,then this is not love. Your daughter needs a wake up call now.....perhaps way too late.....but you really must assert yourself as a person rather than a doormat....she has learned from you that whatever she asks for....she gets....this is untenable and not a lesson she should have learned from her parents.

Stop now....before you destroy yourself and your own self worth.

totally agree, stop keep on giving her so much!!
Why do you feel the need to?

I am fine one to talk we gave our daughter so much, but not in that league really, more supporting her through uni for 4 years, 3,000 towards house, 1,000 wed present, 700 wedding dress gosh that is just off top of my head so maybe we are stupid too, now she has totally cut us off

I do think you can do too much for your kids and it is taken for granted not in all cases but certainly in ours.
Cannot believe how she would expect top of rang and you pay for it!!???
I would be so grateful for the help would want to try and economise!!

How old is this daughter? Clearly old enough to have been divorced. Does she have children that you're concerned about? Frankly, if a three-year-old had behaved in the way she did when you took her shopping, it would have been deprivation of toys and a long spell on the naughty step. Tantrums are understandable, if not acceptable, in small children, not in allegedly mature adults. I'm sorry, Angie, if I am being unjust to you, but it appears to me that you have allowed your daughter to remain a child by doing everything for her. I hope it isn't too late for her to grow up and take responsibility.

I agree that your daughter is behaving like a child, it sounds as if she needs some boundaries, just like children do. I guess she feels very hard done by because of her divorce and maybe has a sense of entitlement, feeling that she has been through a difficult time and now deserves some happiness. I imagine she is thinking of herself, not of you.Probably she doesn't mean to hurt you, she just wants to make her house nice and doesn't think too much about what it costs you.

We started to have a similar situation with our DD after her relationship broke down. It seemed the more we gave her, the more she would take and instead of being grateful she was churlish and difficult. After a bit of heart searching I spoke to her about it and we saw an immediate change. She has paid us back the some of the money and we are happy to treat the rest as a gift. She is very sweet to us now and keeps in touch regularly. I don't think she meant to hurt us, she was just in a difficult place and was taking anything she could get without any thought of our feelings.

The trouble is most of us want to protect our children from hurt, and the consequences of their actions, and sometimes we make it too easy for them. If we behave like a doormat they treat us like one and wipe their feet on us!

I hope things improve for you soon, Angiebaby

I can only agree with everybody else Stop !!! Perhaps you should start drawing up an agreement about how some of this money is going to be paid back? Or does she think it's coming out of a bottomless pit? I don't know if she has any income, but even if she's on benefits she should be starting to repay something. Just a few pounds a month would underline the fact that there is a debt.

thank you all girls for your comments,,,you have all been great,,,,,,i have been advised to stand up to her havent seen her for 3 weeks now,,,,but the house will be finished and we are thinking about putting it back on the market if she has decided she doesnt want it after all,,,,,,,,,,,,,then i want my husband and i to take a long holiday maybe look for a place of our own abroad to retire to and let her get on with it, im just exsausted with it all, anyway move on and move forward,,,ill get through it with a few prayers thanks girls again,,,,,roll on summer.

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Angie, good on you gal

Good thinking, angie. If you start arranging that holiday now, you will have something for you and your husband to look forward to. You deserve to have some quality time together. With any luck, your daughter will come to her senses if you show some 'tough love'.

Agree with that too, Angie.

Well done - don't weaken when she comes crying to you (as she no doubt will).

I am full of sympathy as we have helped our offspring financially far more than we ever intended (more in a drip-feeding way), but your predicament leaves be a bit speechless (in a nice way). How would I react if this was my ds and dd?? Is it too late for you to pull the plug? Can you draw a line under the whole thing and leave her to sort out her own mess? She has taken way too much from you - her kind parents. What ever is she thinking of? How old is she? 13? I think sometimes offspring need to hear the sharp side of our tongues in order to appreciate us more.

Oh yes she can - and should asap. It will be HER project totally - when she can pay for it if she chooses wallpaper at £75 a roll, etc. She just does not deserve you, I'm afraid. Basta, enough.

glamma It might do the daughter some good to hear a few home truths.

The post I replied to seems to have disappeared - so it does not make sense. It was in response to 'but she can't stop now she has started' (or words to that effect).

It's down there on this thread somewhen granjura I have just seen it.

angiebaby, hold on in there, I do hope you and husband get this sorted.
Life throws all sorts of unpleasant things at us and we learn to cope and thats what makes us the half decent people we should be. To be honest, and I might sound a bit harsh here, but nowadays a young woman getting divorced is not unusual and its hardly the end of the world. I was deserted when pregnant and went through a divorce just before I hit 30 and in a strange way it was the making of me. I was reminded of this reading a letter in yesterday's Telegraph about a 38 year old who was going through a divorce and was finding that some of her friends were egging her on to be vindictive about the finances and also expecting her to be emotionally wrecked. She said that she was coping well enough and actually learning to enjoy her new life - and was there something wrong with her???. Yes divorce is unpleasant - even nasty but if you are young enough ( and I realise thats going to be a moveable feast) to make another life for yourself, you should be able to accept what has happened and slowly learn to move on. As my dear old Grannie said when I told her of my problems....'worse things happen at sea'

Granjura I think you may mean my remark about not stopping which was in reply to Tanith but a couple of posts came in between and what I meant sort of got mislaid! I meant it wouldn't be a good idea to stop the renovation when it was nearly finished. Angie would loose even more money. I think she should finish the house and if DD is still showing signs of ingratitude, she should sell up and buy a round the world ticket.

HI GIRLS,,,,,,,,thank you all so much....havent posted much as i ahvent been well its all the stress,,,well someone asked my d age,,,she is 48. and now its been 3 weeks and 4 days since i have had any contact with her, ! the house will be finished in about a couple of weeks,and i am supposed to tell her as she can give notice from her rented place,,,,,my husband says send her a text,,,thats how she wants to communicate ! ! we bought the renevation house because it was cheap....and it was the only one she could afford to get a morgage on. anyway thanks girls for all your help and advice yes you are right i must stand up to her, we helped my other daughter get a house and she gave us all she had towards it,,,we never had all this trouble she is quite the oppiseit,,,,she budgets everything,,,even looks round the charity shops to find a bargain,,,,,but not this one,,,,,well it will all turn out in the wash i pray,,,,havent seen the grandkids attall in these 3 and half weeks that breaks my heart....but my time will come,,,,,,my h and i treated ourselves to a new tv today,,,,,,makes a change to spend on ourselves,its nice i can get other peoples comments it does so help......is there any meet ups anywhere near london way. ........

Oh angiebaby, your daughter is 48!!! She should be cherishing you not abusing you. So glad you are thinking of yourself a bit.
Yes, stress can make you very run down, it ruins immune systems too so look afteryourself.
I wish I could whisper in your daughters ear that I was in my early 40s when my darling Mum died from cancer after only a couple on months. I miss her everyday and would give ANYTHING just to hold her hand and tell her I love her.

Oh dear Angebaby. There has to be a whole lot of difficult history going on here! Reading through your troubles with your daughter a couple times makes me think that the fact you have shelled out around £30.000 to date and are obviously more than willing (I did not say happy!) to continue shelling more cash out, virually convinces me of this. I know we all want to do our best by our children, but surely the amount of cash so far given by you, and the unbelievable attitude of your daughter begs many many questions, which as JessM suggests may be helped by consulting a proffessional of some sort.....

I know the question was asked by Ana, but why buy a house that needs so much doing to it, when you must have known that your daughter was going to expect you to keep footing the bill! I find it very hard to believe that this daughter has only just turned into a spoilt brat overnight! But why or how has she become this apparent spoilt brat! Have you always given in to her at every turn! It very much sounds like it! hence she thinks its her absolute right and by bullying or blackmailing you (emotionally and financially) she gets her own way every time! Its only when you take a stand Angiebaby, stop giving giving giving, close the doors to the Bank of Mum & Dad and add a padlock!! Tell her to grow up, and stand on her own two feet.

I know you dont want to fall out with your daughter Angiebaby but if you allow this to continue you will make yourself ill.....and dont forget, only the strong survive! and right now there is only one strong one in all this, and she is sapping your strength.....the old adage, being cruel to be kind comes to mind here - if its not all too late! (confused)

Just read your last entry Angiebaby. Pleased the house is finished but sad to hear that the stress has indeed got to you....

So your husband thinks you should send daughter a text to let her know she can give her notice in, and the house you have paid so much into is now ready for her to move in!! WHY!! She has not had the decency to be in touch for over 3 weeks, but yet again........

Oh Angiebaby, just put the house on the market and take that holiday far far away from the maddening daughter......enjoy your new TV. Good on yer.