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Letting off steam...

(51 Posts)
Tegan Tue 21-Jan-14 14:11:25

Feeling a tad annoyed. Last week the S.O. said we should go out for the day on Monday. I said the event he'd chosen wasn't worth going to [it was actually cancelled yesterday anyway] but there was somewhere we could go to on Tuesday. He said he was seeing his son that day so I said that was fine; I'd only suggested it because I felt he'd wanted a day out. I then said at the weekend that I'd got my grandson on Tuesday afternoon and he said 'but that means we can't go out' and I said 'but you've got your son anyway?' [he'd cancelled it but hadn't told me he had]. I then said 'don't you dare pull that face on me [he denied that he had, but he had] because I have never once complained if any sudden family problem he had had stopped us doing anything; imo our families come first'. I thought I'd got the message across, but then, yesterday he told me to tell my daughter that 'in future she is to give us more notice of any childcaer she needed' shock. I pointed out that I hadn't been asked but that I had offered in case her husband got stuck in traffic on his way back from work [he'd booked time off to look after the children but we're surrounded by roadworks in every direction here at the moment]. If I'd passed his 'message' on to my daughter that would have been the nail in the coffin of their relationship, which is somewhat rocky at times. I now sense an atmosphere still. Now I've retired he seems to be wanting more of my time and our weekends together are spreading into the week. I have a house to maintain and I'm only just getting on top of all of the jobs that mounted up when I was working [he can't do do it yourself']. It's not the first time he's made me feel awkward in my own home. When I first knew him he came round one Friday night [for the weekend]and I went to a friends for a cup of tea. I stayed later than planned and he was sulking when I got home; I said he was making me feel uncomfortable in my own house. He's really lovely in other ways, but I feel my house is getting to be a battleground. It's our family home. Sorry about that; it was let rip on here or do it for real [he's just turned up to walk the dog].

tanith Tue 21-Jan-14 14:18:10

It seems you are both adjusting to being a couple and its going to be a juggling act for a while.. sorry tegan I'm not sure how long you've been together I might of got that completely wrong..

This is the place to let rip for sure.... could you join him on the walk maybe.

grannyactivist Tue 21-Jan-14 14:46:19

Hmm....I think your relationship might be summed up as 'friends with benefits'? If this is the case the problems mount up when problem areas start to outweigh the benefits. Perhaps it's time to sit down together and actually thrash out the difficulties before you end up verbally thrashing each other. In the meantime have a virtual (((hug))) and some flowers to brighten your mood. (If only life were really that simple eh?)

Anne58 Tue 21-Jan-14 15:01:44

I second what they ^^ said!

Riverwalk Tue 21-Jan-14 15:12:46

grannyactivist I always understood that 'friends with benefits' meant 'sex buddies'. shock

Stansgran Tue 21-Jan-14 16:44:18

What a good idea.

kittylester Tue 21-Jan-14 16:45:12

I suspect that's what GA was saying.

rosesarered Thu 23-Jan-14 20:28:05

Sounds like he loves you and wants your company for himself. So really it depends on how you feel about him?Sometimes we all do so much for our children and grandchildren that S.O. or DH's get a bit frozen out.It is a delicate juggling act I admit.

Tegan Thu 23-Jan-14 20:44:43

Warned him when we first met not to put a collar and lead on me; I said 'I'm like a dog; put me on a lead and I'll pull on it and want to run away; let me off the lead and I'll happily walk alongside you'. Annoying thing is thefirst thing the grandchildren ask when they come to my house is if he's there; their faces drop if the find he isn't. We muddle along quite well most of the time. He just doesn't have much in the way of interests and can't understand why I'm quite happy on my own doing my little projects [unblocking drains; fixing broken things etc].

Soutra Thu 23-Jan-14 23:01:44

Tegan shall we do a Thelma and Louise? The mutts could go into the back and we could head off into the sunset grin

Tegan Thu 23-Jan-14 23:46:50

I've done a Thelma and Louise! Years ago people used to go to an old aerdrome on Bodmin Moor to learn to drive. It had been built during the war and was no longer used. We went on holiday to Cornwall and, as I knew the place so well I took my daughter there for some driving practice [her dad had been giving her lessons but they were having their usual arguements so I took over]. The place was deserted apart from sheep and ponies and decided we'd do a Thelma and Louise and just drove around and pretended the police were after us. Such fun [we're both still rubbish drivers, though]

Tegan Fri 02-May-14 18:56:49

Can I have a quick moan again please sad. My daughters birthday is tomorrow and my son just mentioned that he was going to see her at the village pub sometime tomorrow. Seems to be an open invite for everyone except me sadsad. Came back from the seaside several days early as well to do the school run today. I wouldn't have gone to the pub anyway [she probably knows me well enough to assume that] but I do feel a bit hurt, probably because I'd metioned to my grandson how much I loved zoos and he said they were planning to go soon but didn't have enough free tickets for me. My SIL said recently that I needed to do more things away from the S.O. [which is true] but it seems that that doesn't include doing things with them [again, not that I want to but it would be nice to be invited]. I am looking after the children for a whole weekend when they go away for a weekend soon. Sorry for that. Feel better now....grin.

petra Fri 02-May-14 19:56:28

Tegan, have you got CCTV in my house. You have just written what I've had for 35 years. We both have children from previous marriages.
Example this evening. I have finally moved into my Bungalow. DD texted and said: DGD walking around singing " Nana's got a Bungalow" " Nana's got a Bungalow" when I told him, he said: what about me, it's my Bungalow as well. I kid you not, he had a 'face' on.

petra Fri 02-May-14 19:59:49

I have to add ( to my last post) he excels in the DIY department.
I have to be fair. It's just emotions he's crap at.

Tegan Fri 02-May-14 20:01:15

Ah yes; 'the face'. I had that tonight as well....

KatyK Sat 03-May-14 13:49:37

Ladies - welcome to my world! We are going to watch our DGD in a dance show/play tonight - she has the starring role grin. My DD, SIL, DGD, their friends and friend's parents are all going for a curry afterwards. Everyone except me and DH. sad

kittylester Sat 03-May-14 16:43:11

Oh, Katy, thats awful. I'd go for a curry in the same place and act surprised that they are there!

Aka Sat 03-May-14 16:53:52

That really is awful sad

Aka Sat 03-May-14 16:54:52

All of the above I mean

Faye Sat 03-May-14 17:36:56

Tegan I always gathered you and the SO still had your own homes or has he moved in with you completely? If he hasn't maybe it's time to remind him to go home for a bit because you need your space.

Tegan Sat 03-May-14 18:52:23

We do still have our own homes. Having spent 12 day together on holiday it's now Bank Holiday so he's still here. I did send him home last night because I'm decorating the bedroom [he said to decorate it next time he goes away for a few days but I said I wanted to do it now]. Can't seem to understand that I just want to have the place to myself sometimes sad. His house is just a pied a terre to him, mine being the one he regards as 'home'. Anyways, my son has just dropped in on his way to my daughters birthday bash [but he did give me a plant which I think might be a sort of 'cheer you up' gesture]. I don't actually want to go to the pub anyway as I can't wait to start decorating. KatyK; hug on it's way to you flowers!

Soutra Sat 03-May-14 18:55:24

Am I hearing that you werent included because of SO, then? In that case the air needs clearing, both with the grown up children and himself. I don't think any partner should come between a mother and her offspring or indeed a woman and her friends. DH used to hang around down stairs when a friend popped in for coffee and the visits became less frequent - not because she doesn't like him, but a man's presence is not conducive to a good gossip chat.

rosequartz Sat 03-May-14 19:11:53

A friend was having similar problems, Tegan. It started as a Friends with Benefits and lovely trips out and holidays - all great fun, then he started staying, then turning up whenever he liked even if she wasn't there and letting himself in. Things became very difficult for other reasons and the relationship is now over, but she misses having a fun SO when everyone seems to be in couples.
However, he was never resentful of her DGC and was very good with them.

It sounds as if he wants to be in charge and is jealous of your relationship with your DC. some heart-to-heart talking is required, I think, don't let it simmer.

As for not being invited to the pub, can't you surprise them by saying 'well, actually I'd like to come too for once!' Painting can wait for another day. Perhaps they just don't invite you if the answer has always been 'no thanks'.

Tegan Sat 03-May-14 19:41:19

I've never turned down an invite [not that I can remember many] it's just that my daughter knows me well enough to know that I'm not that good with social events. Don't think it's because of the S.O. [that was a separate moan, I just thought I'd stick it on the same thread as don't want to clogg up the system]. What has probably happened is that my daughter was just meeting her mates at the pub, my son phoned her to say they were dropping in to give her a card/present and she said she'd be in the pub at that time and to go there. I've felt very odd today. For years after my daughter was born I tended to re live the day each year, then that stopped happening but, for some reason with it being her 35th last night I lay in bed in total disbelief that it had all happened 35 years ago. Another reason why I'm decorating as a way of diverting my thoughts. How can 35 years go [in the words of Tommy Cooper]'juslikethat'. confused

rosequartz Sat 03-May-14 19:45:50

I don't know, Tegan! DD1 was 40 last birthday but couldn't celebrate it with her because she lives abroad. It is a strange feeling. A friend said recently that perhaps mums should have a present on DC's birthdays - you did get a plant, lucky you.