DH given up making any effort?

Hm... is he out and about during the day and perhaps stopping off somewhere for a late lunch of his choice?

I only say this because when my husband had a heart attack some years ago (not saying that yours is heading for a heart attack!) - I only found out that he was having a 'Full English' for breakfast en route to work when the doctors cross-questioned him about his diet in front of me! I don't know why I didn't realise it earlier that year when his workmates gave him a birthday card with a picture on it of a fry up breakfast in the shape of smiley face, I remember thinking at the time, that's a bit strange, he never has a fry up!

Perhaps he just isn't very hungry in the evenings? If he has a good (!) breakfast, lunch and snacks in the afternoon he might not need much and feels a bit overfaced by a full meal. Plus, he probably feels guilty because you've gone to so much trouble to prepare it, Soutra.

He doesn't go out unless I take him somewhere largely due to impaired mobiity and a raft of health problems, but while I can go along with the adage that you should "Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dine like a pauper", common manners (IMHO) dictates an appreciative grunt or two and less of the hangdog martyrdom. He is becoming just about impossible to please apart from the fry up at breakfast time which I do not approve of for a man who has had heart surgery for an aortic aneurysm and a valve replacement, but he also needs to keep his weight up (I should be so lucky) or I would just say OK go without. Grrr.

I think this needs a bit of a talk with him doesn't it?Ask what sort of things he would like in the evening, to save you feeling annoyed if he doesn't eat it.Would he like a main meal at lunchtime [or late lunch] rather than in the evening?

One of my great grandparents threw a dinner at the wall in a temper. I forget now whether it was the mariner, or his wife. I think it was him = a pretty violent protest about the catering maybe!!! But I wish it had been her - she who kept the home together while he sailed round Cape Horn - in response to him whinging about his dinner.
My first H used to whinge about food i cooked - but he never really was interested. No sense of smell or something. DH went through a phase of just wolfing down and not saying thank you. Things have improved - partly due to my complaints (then putting up with about a year of him saying 'thankyouformytea" in a slightly dutiful way) but also now he is happier bunny and more appreciative. I can understand how demotivating it must be.
Your DH obviously not hungry in the evening. Not much exercise to build up an appetite and sounds like he has put away enough calories by tea time. Maybe his medication is affecting his sense of smell or taste.
You could just go on suppertime strike after the long stint you have put in. Make yourself a little egg on toast or something. Take a rest from cooking. Let him fix himself a bowl of cereal or something. Join some evening classes or book an evening hair appointment.

Please forgive me for the following if you think I'm completely barking up the wrong tree!!
Firstly Soutra my sympathies are with you. Your DH is making life very hard for you, but I might suggest that, he probably doesn't realise this as he is simply just thinking of himself. You say that he has various health problems and is generally uncommunicative. Could it be that he is suffering from depression. Having experienced this with my mother, I have heard that alot of us, when we get older, do need medical help with this.

You are so right when you say he is simply thinking of himself! I have unwittingly helped create this situation as his many health problems have dominated our lives for at least the last 6 years. And yes he is now very self centred and I don 't think he realises. I could have a strop but * can't be bothered any more

Is it possible he's feeling unwell? Or has it become a battle of wills re "healthy" v. "unhealthy" food? Perhaps he'd like to have a go at cooking (somewhere other than breakfast).

something other than breakfast.

And I have decided it's poached egg on toast tomorrow.

Soutra Occasionally I simply give up cooking. For weeks! I am happy to graze for a change. I am not responsible for Mr. F.'s hunger. He's fit and healthy and quite capable of learning a new skill. As am I. Which is what I want to do rather than cook.
He has now learnt to cook. If I want to cook than I do, as does he. All a bit hit and miss, but we do stick to the budget - which we need to.

Oh, ffinochio, I so wish I could do that! I'd love to just graze, and let Mr A get his own, but he would only cook microwave meals and oven chips. Then I'd get worried about lack of vitamins etc. and have to start cooking again...

Does he do any food shopping? If you do it, perhaps you could just omit to buy the hash browns, bacon, biscuits etc, at the risk of an argument of course. Is he on any medication which might upset his appetite, or perhaps he can't get enough exercise in the day to work up an appetite. Certainly biscuits and butter or toast in the afternoon would put me off my evening meal.

What is it with men and accepting that the food we cook for them is for their own good?

DH is very appreciative of my cooking but he's borderline Type 2 diabetes so I actually have to hide anything that contains too much sugar as he has absolutely no self control. He would smother breakfast cereal - which already contains sugar - with good old granulated if I didn't hide it. He once ate a whole tub of glace cherries because I foolishly left them in the cupboard. I only bought the damn things because I was making cakes for DGC's school fete. I don't have a sweet tooth but there are times when I'd cheerfully kill for a chocolate digestive but the whole packet would be gone in a flash so I go without.

He has other health issues so I can't just say, 'sod it, eat what you like'

Grrrrrrrr!!!!

That's too bad Ana. I did have to assist Mr. F. in thinking about shopping and cooking to a budget initially, and the actual cooking. I also expected him to provide a meal that I would like occasionally - as I had spent years doing.

I have discovered that I simply hate having to stop what I am doing in order to cook. I started cooking with mum for the family which included 4 males, at quite a young age - so I'm done!

I agree with the others who suggest that he maybe just isn't hungry in the evenings. You could say to him that as he doesn't seem to want to eat what you prepare in the evenings, you'll just do what you want and he can feed himself if he wants to eat.

I certainly wouldn't cook for someone who was so unappreciative as to be "hangdog". It's fairly easy to say "Thank you but I'm not hungry" I should have thought rather than sulk.

DH is more or less retired now and gradually started to take over the kitchen as he taught himself to cook. It annoyed me at first then I realised, after 40+ years of planning meals and cooking this was working in my favour and allowed me time to do what I would rather be doing and DH had found a new hobby instead of being bored. 3 years on, DH does all the cooking and now, the shopping.

As there is just the two of us now we just eat whenever we are hungry, breakfast being the only set daily meal.

Might be an idea to encourage your DH to cook the odd meal and believe me, they are odd in the beginning but just tell him it was delicious and ask what else he thinks he might like cooking.

I wouldn't be coaxing an adult to eat. Especially an ungrateful one!

I agree with bags - I get that from my husband sometimes. "Don't cook too much for me tonight, please, I'm not that hungry". No problem!

Years ago when we were much younger, I can't remember what was said about the meal but I remember my response very clearly, which was "I should be so lucky as to have someone put a plate of food down in front of me every single night". It obviously hit home because nowadays I get "That was tasty" or "That was very tasty".

I also decided some time ago that he must learn how to cook. So he was assigned one night a week. Then after some months I said "You know how you make spag bol every Tuesday night? Well, this week please make something else". Now he has quite a repertoire, and he enjoys cooking!

I'd happily eat savoury mince on toast, or eggs on toast, most nights.

Well soutra, it sounds to me as though he is eating about 20x as much as my OH. Seriously - my 2 year old GS was here today and I gave him far more on his plate than OH, who still struggled to get through it. I think you can safely say that my OH is not a joy to cook for! - that is why it is so good when the family come round and I can cook a meal that is appreciated.

I personally prefer to have my main meal at lunchtime and a light supper. On the days I am not at work that is what I do and DH has to warm up what ever I have cooked or sort his own supper out!
Also I sometimes get into a rut with cooking and so get out recipe books for a browse and DH often identifies something he likes! He is not a natural cook!
SoutraI would see what your DH reaction is to having a main meal at lunchtime and just toast etc for tea. It won't hurt to ask and may spark a discussion on what YOU like to eat!

I certainly wasn't a natural cook but like most people, I had to learn and if I mastered it, anyone can

I hear what you are all saying and to a very great extent it makes sense. We have tried having the main meal at lunchtime, but frankly I do not like that as I feel my day is taken over by cooking (or at least my morning) and as DH gets up VERY slowly and frequently doesn't shower and dress until nearly lunchtime, even if he has had his fry up at 10 o clock, I don't see how he can want a hot meal them. A late lunch wipes out the rest of the afternoon too! I also do other things some mornings and may not get back until 12.30 or 1, it is all too reminiscent of my mother's slavery to cooking a hot lunch for my father every day of their marriage, It was what you did in those days of course. I am beginning to feel it is not entirely a food issue but a form of attention seeking. His health has been not too bad recently, at least there have been no crises and I wonder if he is feeling a bit neglected as the world is not revolving around him. He can be very OCD/childish at times. I no longer encourage him to be creative in the kitchen 1) he uses every pot in the house, 2)it costs a fortune and 3) he expects an Oscar and undying praise, oh 4) and he leaves the cooker in a disgusting state. And 5) it takes hours. He can't stand for long either or his back hurts, he can't go out on his own as he has mobility problems and if he accompanies me to the supermarket my bill at the end is at least double as he only likes the best of everything, heritage apples which sit uneaten in the fruit bowl,organic tomatoes which go soft, vintage cheese which hardens in the fridge and artisan bread which goes mouldy in the bin.He is a faddy man at the best of times these days - maybe age, maybe something else, and I suspect is not going to be pleased with anything I make so why the bother.

Why the bother was what I meant - self Bowdlerising??
Mishap - I absolutely agree with what you say - doesn't mean I dont agree with the others, but cooking for a faddy picker is so dispiriting, I too love it when I have others who appreciate what I make!!

Very much like mine. He has health problems too. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve to have a life too!. He won't starve.