DH given up making any effort?

I'd buy a collection of frozen 'healthy' ready meals and tell him to sort himself out. I agree 'he won't starve'. Why do we feel the need to 'nurture' our lived ones like this? Perhaps the time has come for you to cook what you want to eat Soutra and put yourself first??

Thank you!!

Soutra, I can empathise with you, but in my case it`s getting him to DRINK enough! My hubby had an aortic aneurysm op last summer, followed less than a month later by an op for bowel cancer. He was doing OK as far as eating and drinking went, then he seemed to stop eating so much, lost weight drastically, and ended up back in hospital, having gone down to 8st.5lbs, badly dehydrated, with collapsed veins and kidney trouble. After coming home, he was told in no uncertain terms that he had to keep on eating well, and to drink LOTS, but it doesn`t seem to sink in regarding the drinking, and sometimes I think why do I bother, he just says I`m nagging him all the time, so sometimes I don`t bother, then I feel guilty when his weight doesn`t increase, or they can`t get blood because he`s too dry, so the nagging and concern start all over again.

Soutra, I have an aortic aneurysm although I have not had an operation yet as it is only 3.5cm. I had an aortic dissection last Easter.
I have to have lots of medication, and am tired all the time.
When I take my granddaughter to school in the morning, I quite often feel I cannot get back up the hill because of the pain in my back - but I always have so far. However, I do sometimes turn round and walk up backwards as then it does not hurt so much, so my granddaughter copies me and walks backwards uphill.
I find I cannot eat as much as I used to and I am sure it is a side effect of the medication. If I eat a meal at night I put on weight, so I would rather have one in the middle of the day. We started eating this way when my husband was alive, as he was disabled and could not do as much as he used to be able to. He also had ataxia which caused him to choke on food, and had been type one diabetic since he was eleven years old, so he did not eat much anyway.
What we did find was that as we were not eating much, we could choose better quality foods. However, I still feel quite guilty at buying myself an aubergine, because he did not like them. Because of his diabetes, if we had a cake, we shared it. Now I can have one all to myself I do not want one.
Can you not compromise, and have small meals during the day when possible? I am vegetarian so would not like turkey pie anyway, but I would not make a pie even for the two of us. That's probably to do with the fact that I used to run a cafe and made cakes and pastry every day as a job.

That's very dispiriting for you soutra.

I love cooking and DH enjoys eating what I cook and I know that cooking for one isn't the same!

Could you get DH to miss out the lunch bit so he is, hopefully, hungrier by the evening?

I wouldn't want to eat a main meal at lunchtime either, for the reasons you say!

soutra I am very appreciative of good food cooked for me. Could your DH and myself not do a swop? He could eat his way through my freezer.

I get quite tired of cooking which although I love it my DH has a strong preference for red meat and offal. I'm in agreement with Dorothy Parker . My DH has also taken over the shopping and has gone in the opposite direction of Mr. S as he goes for cheap. We have had words as I see no point in cooking anything which isn't top quality. I see it as a form of control .your DH wants to be in charge. I have come to the conclusion that a slow cooker casserole which feeds six, a pot of soup for six ,means that if I don't want to eat in the evening there is ample variety in the portions I stick in the freezer. I involve him with great determination in the decision as to what we eat. Because he is borderline diabetic I limit the fry up to Sunday brunch and I insist on only the best possible ingredients as I loathe the grease and smell which lingers (of fried food)might be worth a try letting him choose and certainly mr. S doesn't seem to do enough to work up an appetite.

Having calmed down a bit (but not very much) I just said that it would be poached eggs on toast tonight as I could not face another meal of him pushing his food round the plate like a martyr. He had the grace to apologise (after a fashion) but a new strategy is clearly needed. I go along with ALL his fads (the cooked breakfast will not last - it's another fad) , fish on Fridays - he's a Catholic but I know the church doesn't insist. Fish in Lent - likewise and that's a pain when you want to invite friends to Sunday lunch. I could make a stand, but the deeper question is - is it worth it at our age? I admit I have a made a rod for my own back by not laying down ground rules earlier, but he has been cose to death on occasions and that was the least of my preoccupations. Go with the flow? The irony is that he loves cookery programmes such as Masterchef, Hairy Bikers, even great British Bake Off so perhaps that satisfies his present lack of appetite.I am sad not to be making hearty casseroles and lovely roasts. Oh for a steak!!!
If only I didn't love food so much - the less he eats the more I want to in defiance, we'll be like Jack Sprat and his wife ere long

Soutra Could you husband be suffering from depression?

Yes - small "d" at the moment, but he was the same around March last year. It doesn't help that his health is a major issue although I have pointed out that he hasn't had any "big" problems this year (apart from a couple of TIAs last Feb) but the minor or at any rate less major things are getting him down - the painful knees, the fatigue and total lack of stamina, the hernia which makes walking uncomfortable, the pill regime of at least 12 pills twice a day, the fluctuating INR, the knowledge that any one of 3 things could kick off at any time (and at least one, incurable and ultimately untreatable, probably will) and yet when the "serious" things have occurred in the past, he has coped extremely well. But he says he is getting old, and when I disagree, at 66 he has a long way to go but he says that his body has had a lot more wear and tear than most and frankly, I have to agree, he is "getting old" in his head.
I find it hard to keep upbeat a lot of the time as I might have enough energy for me (well nearly) but it is hard to summon up energy for both of us!!

I feel the same, Soutra. I think the tiredness and lack of stamina are to do with all the drugs we have to take, 10 a day in my case. It is also very difficult to realise that every twinge in your back might be the last one. Having a problem with your aorta does mean that. It is mentally as well as physically tiring.
Another problem is not having anyone to discuss the condition with. I never know how to answer when people ask me if I'm feeling better.
Have you and he looked at the website www.aorticdissection.co.uk
My GP thought it might be depressing, but there are people on there who have been through the same thing and are still alive ten years later.

On another track, I bought my 20 year old granddaughter a new light for her birthday last March because she said she felt fed up. It's a lamp that comes on slowly in the morning and dims slowly at night. She thinks it works really well, allowing her body clock to work better, and she works up feeling really refreshed. I think I'll get one for myself next month when I've got a bit of money in the bank, and see if it works for me.
It would be good to have something external that works.

I meant wakes up, not works up. Sounds quite Geordie to me.

Soutra just a small point on the Lent thing, whatever you have given up for Lent, you can have it (or do it) on Sundays, so you could still the full on roast without getting smitten by a bolt of lightning!

I think I would try leaving him to it for a while and see how it pans out. Cook the evening meal for yourself, don't dish any out for him, but say something like "help yourself if you want some", and then freeze any leftovers. Perhaps for your lunch another day?

It's a fact that we don't need to eat so much as we get older. Let him eat to appetite.

Soutra - maybe you should remind yourself that if you were not around he would manage.
My MIL can hardly get out of the chair, is in pain all the time, but she still manages to live alone with family support at weekends, a cleaner and a bit of help from a drop-in carer with getting up in the mornings. She makes her own lunch (sandwich) and microwaves something for tea. (no idea how, but she does)
I think you may have hit the nail on the head with your diagnosis that he is a bit down, and too accustomed to you pandering to his every whim. And nothing like living with someone who is a bit down to make you feel a bit down too. You know my view - you need a break from him now and again and if necessary get a friend or relative to keep him company while you are away. x

Soutra, I've been thinking of a possible way forward. You say DH is a Catholic and he sounds very devout.

What about suggesting that he goes on retreat for a week. It's possible to make a make an individual one with spiritual direction from one of the priests or brothers, or, alternatively he could go on a directed retreat which involves a structured programme of lectures, discussions, prayer and reflection.

The atmosphere is quiet and peaceful and the food is good and wholesome but not fancy. It would give him time to 'think on' and give you a break.

There are lots if places but one is

www.thefriars.org.uk/retreatpilgrim/retreats.html

Oh, and if he really wants to practise a bit of self denial on Fridays, an expensive fish supper is not the way to go. Mushrooms on toast perhaps, or at a pinch a small tin of sardines.

Aren't guinea pigs counted as fish in South America so they can eat meat on a Friday? I think jingle has produced the best advice cook for yourself and say help yourself if you feel up to it. Buy yourself a perfect piece of fillet and eat it with mushrooms and offer him mushrooms on toast. Spoil yourself and cheer yourself.

I know people who have their main meal at lunch-time and it is supposed to be better for you (you burn it off and don't put on weight apparently), but I can't face cooking a large meal then and prefer an evening meal. I know when I was ill and on a certain medication, DH used to cook (under supervision), but as soon as it was presented to me I couldn't eat it, just pushed it around, which must have been upsetting for him. Perhaps your DH would enjoy an omelette or something similar in the evening, you could cook yourself a steak, make a lovely casserole or anything you fancied. If you're used to cooking larger amounts, then freeze portions for yourself so you're not a slave to the kitchen.

Settled for a thick home made veg soup for lunch (he had 2 helpings) and 2 poached eggs on toast this evening. He was perfectly happy and I at least had very little cooking to do! I'll see how this goes and while I might find it a bit tedious it just wasn't worth making a major issue out of it. Marital harmony restored thanks to compromise

That is excellent , just go with the flow honey.

x

I wish my DH would settle for two poached eggs in the evening. We eat early as he likes to watch the 6 o'clock news and that means I'm cooking when I'd rather be hugging a mug of tea watching Pointless. Eating early also means he's hungry again at 9pm.

These things are sent to try us!

Hopefully the pressure will be off both of you now - he can always ask if he wants a more substantial meal!

I'm finding that my DH is happier with much smaller portions these days -I think he was getting tetchy because he didn't want anyone to think he 'couldn't manage' to eat the amount he used to.

ANA 23rd , 21.16 .
You spoil that "boy" of yours !

That sounds like a slippery slope to me. You need a square meal, even if he doesn't wantto stick to proper mealtimes. You shouldn't neglect your own nutrition.