Mother and bathing!

It must be painful for her to have to confront her failing abilities, and I think that you have done all you can at the moment.

Does she have a degree of incontinence that might account for the pong?

She sounds like a marvellous, strong minded woman.

Perhaps a bit more pressure needs to be exerted, incrementally e.g. telling her - gently of course - next time that you got a whiff that she needs to have a bath and how can you help make that happen?

Don't think she is incontinent. She does though go for hours and hours without having a pee and is very proud of this although I have said to her that hold it may cause urine infections. We can be out for a day and she will say quite crossly 'No thankyou T........sa I do not want to go the the toilet, I will save it for when I get home'

Thats a really difficult one Flower could something like, Would you like me to come to the doctors with you to see if we can sort out what that odour is. You do have to do something so she is not embarrassed by other people saying anything to her.

Would it be possible to have a new bath installed, one you can step into, has a seat. Or replace bath with a shower. I have a large shower with a seat at one end, so much simple and safer. Maybe she is afraid of slipping.

I agree with Grannyknot. Tell her she smells.

A walk-in shower might make her more enthusiastic than a bath. At 88 climbing into a bath is a lot more effort than it was when she was 48 - or 58 or 68 or 78. Can you persuade her to change?

A stand-up wash gets a lot of places clean, but the ones that whiff most are the most difficult! A bidet is another idea, with that she would not even need to take all her clothes off at once. A thought on a chilly morning.

I bought my mum a bedpan like thingy that you place over the toilet bowl which she could fill with warm water and sit in it.
Even though she never smelled, she was very conscious that she could not bathe as often as she wanted and this filled the bill perfectly for her.
I have had my bath taken out an replaced with a large walk in shower. I do sometimes miss a bath, but find the shower much safer and convenient.

At 88 I'm surprised she can get in and out of a bath by herself. A walk in shower with a seat and grab rails would be better.

Gave you considered she might have an incontinence problem but be too proud or shy to tell you. Unless you know better she could already be wearing incontinence pads and this is why she seems able to go for hours with visiting the loo.

I know this from caring for someone the same age as your mother. Often the very elderly are afraid that this will be seen as a sign that they can't cope on their own, whereas it's a condition to be managed.

Awful though it seems you are going to have to talk to her about it.

Should read 'have you considered'...

I really think it could be climbing in and out of a bath at your Mum's age that is the problem. Quite a scary prospect if you are unsure or sometimes a bit unsteady, especially when you are at home alone.

My elderly aunts had their bath removed and a spacious shower with a seat installed.

Until a decision is made re changing the bathroom would buying moist toilet wipes be an idea, explaining these are for using ocassionally when you haven't managed to have a bath because personal hygiene is so important.

A tricky one for you Flower. Hope you find a solution.

PS the person I mentioned was always saying 'you would tell me if I smelled wouldn't you?' People would generally prefer to know so they can do something about it,

My great aunt lived on her own without any help into her late 90s. I'm fairly sure she didn't bath for years and had a bit of a mild musty unwashed odour which did not get worse. Eventually she had one of those falls that leads to a hospital admission and then death. Pretty pissed off when the nurses insisted on bathing her in hospital. If she is of the stubborn persuasion and given to white lies then not much you can do. If she won't let the plumber in you are not going to persuade her to have a shower installed or to accept help I guess.
My religious and stubborn MIL tells me white lies e.g. Me: Do you promise not to leave your walking frame in the hall when you go in the kitchen? Her: yes

So there you have it Flower to tell or not to tell that is your dilemma.

If it was you what would you want your daughter to do?

Yes, it's that musty odour that's the giveaway really, isn't it? I used to think of it when younger as 'old person smell' and I have a horror of developing it myself! I think unwashed clothing can be a contributory factor, not necessarily underwear.

That's true Ana

Ana, you beat me to it. I was about to mention that my mother was in the habit of putting her clothes (except pants) back into the wardrobe and drawers after wearing, and lost track of when they were last washed. I tried to take them away to launder, but it made her angry. I think this was the cause of her unpleasant odour.

I usually shower but a couple of months ago I had a bath to help with my aches and pains. I made the decision then never to have another one, as I wasn't safe getting in or out!
I'm 67 not 88, so I'd be surprised if your mum can manage a bath without some assistance.

It's a tough one flower, can you sneak a look around her bedroom to see if she has any incontinence pads? Then at least you'd know something.

It's something I have a fear of developing too. To make matters worse, I had a nasal polyp removed last autumn and my sense of smell has diminished. Oh joy. No doubt I will end up,showering thrice daily, just to be sure!

We had the same problem with my mother when she was in her late eighties. My sis in law is a health visitor so I enlisted her help in confronting mum to see what we could do to help. Mum admitted she could get into the bath but couldn't get out so was trying to bathe herself sitting on one of those steps you use for getting stuff out of a high cupboard.

DH and my brother altered her bathroom to incorporate a walk in shower and she was fine for a while but then incontinence became a problem so we were back to square one until the DN sorted out a regular delivery of inco pads for her.

The strange thing is, neither of my grandmothers ever smelled. They had to bathe in huge old cast iron baths with only a 'geyser' gas boiler to heat the water.

I know what you mean, Lona. Last year I stayed with two of my DGDs for a couple of nights while their parents went to a wedding. They were 12 and 14 so it wasn't like looking after small children which was a blessing as I had a very painful back. They helped with the cooking and fussed over me even running a hot bath as they were sure it would help. It was so kind and thoughtful of them but I had a devil of a job getting out and I have stuck to the shower ever since.

Great getting older isn't it?

My mother still climbs trees (albeit small ones now) jumps out of the back of our 4X4 and is more agile than I am. Honestly. She is amazingly fit for her age. She can get into the bath as she did several times at my sister's home when she stayed with her. She would not consider adapting her bathroom, have suggested it but she says 'No, certainly not! I'll be dead soon what's the point'. She isn't depressed or dwelling on dying, she won't buy a new fridge/freezer for the same reason, she does her washing in the bath because she won't buy a new washing machine or let me do the sheets etc. I am so frustrated. The only thing she gets in a stew about is when she gets a high fuel bill (in her eyes) I sort these out and any phone problems. I will talk to her about a walk in shower to make life easier as she gets older.

Ah I use the moist towel wipes, have just seen that post, yes good idea, I have found some in Lidl for £1 and could buy her a few packs of those saying they were BOGOFS She would appreciate that. Will give it a go.

Ana it was not musty but pee.