STROKE VICTIMS WIFE

Thanks durhamjen. It is interesting that a Living Will was so useful. I will have a look at that too. Trouble is that Mr Purple has gone into ostrich mode and won't even go and do a prepaid funeral plan for us both. And yet he has very strong views on not wanting to be cremated. Grrrr!

Tell him you'll cremate him unless he writes down what he wants!
My grandson keeps asking me if I want to be cremated like grandad. When I say yes and it's written in my will, he says, "But you'll be burnt, " so I say that I will not feel it.
Not really being macabre, but I am the same age my husband was when he died, and my grandson, being autistic, asks questions and wants answers.

Help - I`m shocked but not horrified but tonight over our meal (which I`m whispering because it`s another salad ok it Wimbeldon fortnight) part of which was locally grown potatoes now we may have been married for 50 years but we have never been a couple who `shared` food from one another`s plate - well there might have been the odd time - but tonight he scoffed the salad and new pots then horror of horrors he spotted one on my plate and asked nay demanded it - his thinking was that I had said there was more but he had already had more - does that make sense.

Where are you Purpledaffodil is this something else I will have to contend with?????????????????

Also a Living Will is something I will have to clarify with DH thanks for flagging it up durhamjen

Just have to have another glass to steady the old nerves

Oh dear Sparkygran. I'm sorry to tell you that social skills are another invisible casualty of stroke. I'm not sure how much is stroke and how much is the self obsession of one with a chronic, life changing condition. I know it sounds patronising, but I find if I treat him like a large, challenging toddler, then things are easier. Eg I try, oh how I try, not to shout back when he yells at me in public. I even give him a version of 'Time out' when he gets too angry about something like the the TV not working as he thinks it should. In this case I leave the room while he cools down, not exactly for a minute for every year of his age
Expecting your food to be given to him, sounds just like this sort of thing, although less embarrassing than being told you are incompetent in a very loud voice because you didn't produce a ticket at exactly the time it was required. And yet he isn't like this all the time or I would be writing this in my prison cell. You have to try to hammer home the point that you do not have a walk on part in his show. Keep taking the liquid refreshment xx

I just knew you would keep me right Purpledaff it was just so out of character. Today weatherwise was simple horrendous constant heavy drizzle but off we went of Conversation Group he then managed to almost fall trying to sit down anyway said a cheery goodbye and off I went when I returned was a bit nervous had he been so shocked by bad weather and nearly falling that I had missed mobile phone call which would have been difficult as I hadn`t switched the damned thing on anyway all was sweetness and light and a volunteer called, Rosemary, was looking after him so all is well. He is currently having a lie down watching football. Phew my partaking of the liquid refreshment (if was known to my darling children) is proving a great help. to you Purpledaff

What a difference a day makes I`m feeling quite down today and again something simple has triggered it had to go into town this morning and missed my old DH so much as he would have driven in gone and done his own thing and we would have met in one of our favourite restaurants for lunch and because this will never happen again it depressed me travelling home on the bus.

I`m normally very upbeat and am wondering if after 6-months the grieving process of what I have lost is kicking in.

I think that is absolutely to be expected Sparkygran. There has to be some grief for the life that was if it was happy. In my case, without going into too many details, our life pre stroke was not so. My sadness now is for those wasted years. And almost 7 years on, I still get days when I feel very peed off with the way things have worked out. I think there is a case for living in the moment, trying not to be sad about the past or dreading the future. I say 'trying' because it certainly isn't easy! As I have said before, I think stroke recovers' wives are heroes! If there were a medal emoticon, I should be presenting you with one, instead to you and I hope today is a better day.

Ah Purpledaffodil what a strong woman you are I`m so sorry Mr P`s stroke was not a good time for you if you ever want to unburden send me a PM you have been such a support to me with your wise words and advice I would like to give something back to you

Just have to post for the past hour DH and myself have had the most useful conversation for a long time. His language skills were really good and he was able to express himself well. It started off with me approaching my having a few days break in the Autumn either a week in the sun or a city break. After initial surprise he was supportive I just hope social worker will be able to advise I certainly don`t want him to go into a nursing home. He would be able to be on his own overnight with care during the day for cleanliness etc and food and our son and daughter living locally can make sure he is ok. Any advice on how I should approach social services.

We then progressed on to really in-depth feeling he has had of recent times and we were able to address issues that affect both of us. I also raised the EPA issue and he is happy for me to proceed. Tonight I am heading off to bed and my book in a lighter frame of mind.

That is such good news Sparkygran. What a roller coaster we live on. I am really pleased that you have been able to discuss things so fully.
Good idea to have a break especially if Mr S is supportive. You will recharge your batteries and come back refreshed. Go for it Sparky

Today is a red letter day for us for the past few days I have noticed DH right hand instinctively working a little and this morning he called me in because he thankfully noticed it too and his RH was holding his cereal bowl tipping it forward to allow him to finish off the milk etc. I could have wept for joy this time needed to share

Fantastic news! Onwards and upwards to Mr and Mrs Sparkygran

Can anyone explain why I feel `blue` again triggered by going into town yesterday and once again why oh why isn`t DH with me driving me in and then meeting for lunch. Ugg I know why but it still has the power to upset me.

We were even out for tea last night (dinner now too late for us) as it was DD`s birthday and it was a lovely time with the family around but not youngest who is in California - again why or why do I miss him so much?????

Am I cracking up and I haven`t even mentioned the bereavements lately and my darling aunt`s birthday is today. Sorry to burden you all but needed to get rid of it all.

There are many times I wish I didn't have to be the sole driver, sparky, many times I wish DH could buy me a Christmas or birthday present without me having to take him to get it for me or buy it for myself, many times I wish I didn't have to do all the organising, cajoling, form filling etc., and many many times I miss my family who don't live nearer than three hours away.

DD and her boys now live with us so that's a great help but it's quite normal to feel down in the dumps when you feel the weight of it all on your shoulders.

Just keep telling yourself it could have been a whole lot worse.

I know you must going through a VERY difficult time , sparky, the thing I can do is to wish you good karma .

xx

it was a lovely time with the family around but not youngest who is in California - again why or why do I miss him so much?????

sparkygran: I understand this emotion so well. I have one on the same coastline and we email several times daily, we talk on the phone every couple of weeks, we will Skype in a few days so I can see my little 10 month old grandson whom I got to cuddle on a visit 2 months ago. None of this takes the place of your arms around your son.
You miss your son so much because you love him, the one who is always missing, and also you are going through so much emotional upheaval yourself at present, being strong for everyone..... showing you can cope..... a wee wobbler is quite natural.

Thanks GNetters but being strong is sometimes a step too far but you know ever since DH set me up on GN it has been so strengthening and this too will pass

I think you feel it more when you relax, sparky.
I get fed up of my family telling me I'll be okay because I'm strong, when inside I feel like curling up and howling.
I wish my husband was here so he could look after me now. Not that he would have been able to, but it would be nice to hear his voice, instead of my grandson telling me how much he misses his grandad every day.
My husband's mother has had a couple of bleeds on the brain lately, and it's as if she's had a personality change. My father was like that as well. I think you grieve for the person you have lost even if they are still here, if you understand what I mean.

Well merlotgran and durhamjen you have started my day off so well! thank you. I too get really fed up with being the sole driver, especially when Mr P thinks it is his role to keep a running commentary on my driving, invariably negative too! And I know I am lucky he is still around after four strokes and should count my blessings, but sometimes it takes an outside voice to make this point, when I am feeling particularly fed up with things. I hope you helped Sparkygran too! certainly did me good.

I too have to do the driving and hate it - we are about to set of for a holiday and it will involve motorway driving which is my bete noire.

Sorry for all you ladies who have husbands with problems - we have to keep smiling and be strong, but there are days.......

Oh Mishap I feel for you! Next week I have two long trips to visit friends, both of which involve many miles on the M25, my personal 'favourite'. Even better, DH will not countenance staying overnight and so it means many hours of driving in one day, no wine and reduced time spent with our friends. But if I do not let him have his own way he will not go at all and we shall be even more socially isolated. So as you say I shall keep smiling and be strong

Dear GNetters you are stars and I do feel better today and I know what I`m feeling is `normal` but it is just so hard. Anyway on another matter altogether it`s my birthday on Monday week and DD said this afternoon that DS1 and DiL have asked us over next Sunday for a bar-b-cue for me and this is going to sound pathetic but they live at the other side of town and DDs car from our side of town wouldn`t fit us all in and (am blushing) but I like a couple of glasses maybe if I`m honest more than a couple so I can`t drive if I have a few drinks - this is another sadness as DH would drive home - over to the them and to taxi would be too expensive there and back. I know DS1 will think his mother is an alcoholic or should be able to enjoy the day without red wine but I DON`T WANT TO. So have said all of you call in on the Sunday and leave it at that. Am I a bad person? nay a bad mother?

When DH had to surrender his licence due to losing his peripheral vision, there were many comments from friends along the lines of.... Poor man - how awful to lose his independence, how awful to have to ask to be driven everywhere, how awful to miss out on 'man stuff'.

It was two years before anyone said to me, 'It must be hard to have to do all the driving'

I actually love driving and don't mind long distances or motorways but it would be so nice to be able to enjoy a view and not have to concentrate all the time which is really tiring when the weather's horrible.

Just a little addendum DH is going to bed earlier and earlier is this something else I need to take on board?????????????????

I've had to do atoll the driving since DH died. I don't like driving and I won't at night.
The MoJ pay for taxis to tribunals so I'm ok there. It means I've become a bit of a recluse.
My car is 3 years and 3 months old. I've just passed the 5000 miles