My granddaughter's relationship with her other grandparents

I would try not to read anything into it at this stage fairygodmother. Children of a very young age have a wonderful knack of telling us what we want to hear and my three little monkeys darlings can turn on the big eyes and the cutsey baby voice whenever they need to.

My DiL's parents are very different to myself and DH and they "do" grandparenting in a different way to us but that doesn't mean our way is best. Have you thought that DGD might be telling them that she doesn't like you?

I don't see what there is to worry about and I don't think any intervention by you would be appropriate. She is entitled to like or dislike whoever she wants and if she has voiced these opinions to you she has probably said the same to her parents.It is up to them to deal with it and I think your DiL would see your concerns as interference.

Maybe they wouldn't let her eat six icecreams in a row the last time she saw them? Next meeting may be a treat that she really enjoys - then she will be saying "I like them better than you".

As Gillybob says, don't read too much into it, and don't ask her "Do you still not like your other grandparents?"

When I was about that age, one grandmother said to me "You like Granny F better than me, don't you?" (she was a bit insecure and needed a lot of reinforcement - but I was too young to know that) I had been at Granny F's the day before and had a good time, but life with Granny S that day was rather boring, so being a truthful little girl, I agreed with her. It was thrown back at me at intervals for years. In fact, I was very fond of Granny S, and later when I knew her life history, I could quite understand why she was a bit needy.

My grandson adores me, I absolutely know he does. But on occasion it hasn't stopped him from saying his other granny is nicer than me! He's four and just learning something about the power of words, of truth and of manipulation. He usually ends all visits, phone conversations etc. with 'I love you granny' - and it's the truth, but he also knows I like to hear it said.
On another tack entirely, I don't see any reason to be 'saddened' because your granddaughter wasn't lucky enough to have been a 'chosen by adoption' child. The other grandparents have two grandchildren and hopefully are not discriminatory regarding the way their grandchildren came into the family.

Grannyactivist. I did not say that I was saddened because my granddaughter wasn't lucky enough to have been a 'chosen by adoption' child. I said that I was saddened because she was their only natural grandchild - very different.
I agree with the rest of you, and no I am not one to interfere; I have a life outside of being a grandparent.

I have a terrible memory of being very small, about 3 and announcing to my parents that I liked Grandparents X better than Grandparents Y. I didn't even click at the time that they were my parents' parents I was so young. Truth was I loved both sets dearly and equally, and was referring more to whose house I liked best as one set had a house and garden and the other set lived in a maisonette and worried terribly about the stairs and so I was unable to move about quite so freely. So, dont worry, probably just a throw away comment. It haunts me still though

I'm pleased and lucky that I get on with the other grandparents and the GC often see us together which I think is nice for them too. That said we are very different which sometimes the GC like and sometimes use as a weapon but I'm not going to one sleep over it. I think it's good for them to know that people even in families are different. In fairness I think the other grandparents are more relaxed than we are - or rather I am!

fairygodmother are you concerned that your granddaughter is being mistreated in some way by the other grandparents?

My youngest GD always tells me she loves my house much more than the other grannys as I have a pool that we get out when its very hot that she can play in... I'm sure she tells the other granny something similar I wouldn't read anything into what was said.. she's 4 for goodness sake.

You are clearly a very warm, loving tactile person, which she loves. They are possibly less so, and don't give out those lovely warm safe vibes. My MiL was a very cold fish and used to shake hands with her son and wouldn't have dreamt of cuddling/kissing her grand children. Maybe it is just who they are x

Fairygodmother Don't start questioning her about this just stay alert about anything she might say. How does your son get on with his in laws?
If she makes any more such comments have a word with your son about how she seems when they are there. At 4yrs my DD was a great one for "I don't like you any more" to me when thwarted. Despite being a very happy and affectionate child. It's part of being four.

Fairygodmother what is the point that you're making about their other grandchild being adopted?
I said that I was saddened because she was their only natural grandchild - very different.
Sorry to be nitpicking, but as the mother of adopted children I am always dismayed when people make the distinction between children by birth and children by adoption. I'm glad that my children's grandparents have had the same love and affection for ALL of their grandchildren, however they came into the family.

Well said grannyactivist. I found that sentence difficult to digest too. A friend of mine had 5 grandchildren all in the same family. The first 3 were from her DiL's first marriage and they used to call her Auntie Mary as they knew her long before the second marriage. When the last 2 were growing up they chose to be the same and called her Auntie Mary. She loved then all equally and at her funeral one of the readings was read by "her eldest grandchild" which of course was one of the "adopted" ones.Lovely!

grannyactivist. I have clearly confused you somewhat. I should have rephrased the sentence to read - I was saddened when she said she did not like them . She is their only natural granddaughter, but they also have an adopted grandchild by another daughter. I am not making any distinction between adopted or natural. I think it's fantastic that they have adopted a little child and are able to give her a good home. Enough said.

nanapug Thank you for your kind comments. It's so nice to occasionally hear a kind word.

fairygodmother, I would not read too much into it at this stage, but I would definitely be alert (without questioning) and be ready to pick up on any signals that all may not be well in her relationship with them. It may be that they are rather strict, or don't do such fun things with her and that is all.

My DGD1 age 5 wouldn't speak to me for a short while at the weekend and wouldn't hold my hand; she didn't say anything but I know she was 'iffy' with me. We were out and I made a daisy chain for her little friend but didn't have time to make her one as well because someone else turned up and was chatting and then we went to do something else. There was nothing else that I could think of that had upset her! Contrary creatures, little girls!

I'm a mum of 2 adopted girls and a son who just happened. I didn't like that distinction either I'm afraid. All 4 of my DGCs are from adopted daughter no 1.
I know you've explained you don't see them differently but I do think you should rethink how you express that. When son and fiancee produce another DGC for me, will I distinguish?
As for 4 year-olds being a bit awkward - don't worry, it goes with the territory.
My problem is with 4 and 5 year-olds saying they don't like (separated) dad and don't want to visit. Have remained very neutral and said all the right things but that's hard as I agree with them!

I would not worry to much if she is generally a happy child. Relationships vary and as others have said maybe its just a bit boring at the 'other' grandparents!

My DGDs really only have me as a grandmother as 'other' grandmother is not very interested. They have only met her a few times and don't really think of her as a gran even when she visits! Sadly their 'other' grandad died last year and they knew him and liked him very much.
My DGSs have 3 sets of grandparents. We are the set that they see usually a couple of times a week and I have looked after them regularly for a day a week from 9mths old when DD2 went back to work. However I am not as exciting as the other sets as I am everyday Gran whereas the others represent a 'special occasion'! However I know all set of us love them and care about them..we all have different ways of being able to demonstrate that.

fairygodmother, if this little one is your only grandchild she doesn't have to share you, possibly she finds her other grandparents sharing their attention with her cousin not to her liking

I don't understand what the fact that she is the 'natural grandchild' has to do with this, unless the little one and you expect more attention for her than for the adopted child. Such a pity these little ones have handles - natural and adopted , has she sensed this perhaps

Is the younger grandchild a bit younger and perhaps needing more attention eg nappy changing, picking up and carrying around, whereas she is a big 4 now? Perhaps nose has been put put of joint a bit by the arrival of a new child in the family?

However, I would still be aware and be prepared to listen but take a pragmatic view if it is no more than a bit of childish jealousy (which needs reassurance of course).

I meant to say 'other grandchild' of course! Brain and fingers not in sync yet.

Reading fairygodmother's post, I feel less re-assured than many respondents. The description 'she looked down, and then said in a low voice " I don't like them." ' suggests to me something more than a child having a momentary 'down' on the other grandparents.

I think if one of my DGC spoke like that about her other grandparents my antenna would be switched on and I would watching and listening. It should be possible to mention the other grand parents to the child now and again in normal conversation and see what her continuing reaction is and if this low worried response continues, then perhaps you could gently talk to her and see if she will say why she doesn't like them.

The possibility of sexual abuse, must be considered.

I was thinking along similar lines.

Difficult situation.

That was what first came into my mind. If she had said in an upbeat way "Oh I don't like them" as part of a chatty conversation it might have been OK, but the body language you describe is unusual. It may of course simply be that they are for instance stricter and she finds this disturbing; but it sounds as though she feels uncomfortable in their company.

A difficult one for you as you do not want to open a can of worms if it is in fact empty.