And my daughter too

What a positive way to deal with it, number. You asserted yourself even though you had been dreading it, and you're not on your own now. She knows what is expected of her and you haven't suggested anything unrealistic. I hope this is a fresh start and she begins to make some effort from now on

Well done * Number*. Onwards and upward!!

Phew! number - you did it! I really hope this is the beginnings of improvement for all.

Just caught up...... excellent news Number now everyone knows where they stand and maybe secretly she will welcome some help, even through the resistance

I think Jingle has a really good point can her sisters include her sometimes especially if she cleans her act up would be a big boost to her confidence which must be on the floor

Lastly do still try with social services (for you as a carer if needs be) you can get help with costs for things like wet rooms if they are needed not sure how much but anything would be a help I m sure

Anyway well done you stick to everything you've said and keep us up to speed

Why can't one of the sisters take her back for a shower at their house? I was remembering yesterday about two sisters who lived at the bottom of our hill in an odd triangular house. One dressed as though for an outing to Ascot, the other was very dowdy, brown beanie,thick brown tights brown mac. All year round. Every week they walked to another of my neighbours and in summer they would be sitting in her garden admiring the view over the gardens. I was told much later that they went their for their weekly bath. They had no bathroom and only cold water in their house. It was a social event for them. Perhaps it would be a way for you to get your daughter out and about a bit more if your other daughters could pitch in and invite her.

How do I copy all the good cheer emoticon at once? What a massive step you took today. Changing the bathroom into a wet-room would really help all round- but I'm so glad her sisters have realised how much you need their support with this. BRAVO

I am very late catching up here, but just wanted to say that everyone is right behind you, number, and I have been moved by all the comments and advice? GN at its very best.

You are an amazing woman.

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said, apart from my ((hugs)) and a few

Same here number I can't add anything more than the excellent suggestions already given and say well done you and your DDs.
Your DD may be smarting a wee bit but no doubt she now realises that you mean business so don't take the pressure off at all,tough love is very hard I know but it will turn out in the end,remember to take one of your DDs with you when you go to discuss the SS side of things as you really need the backup there are packages available for helping someone with problems such as your DD.
Keep up your spirits & ((hugs))

Stansgran, that would be a great idea about taking her back to their houses for a shower, but she can`t get up the stairs, even getting over the doorstep is a problem for her, stairs are well out of the equation. I`m going to get some quotes for the bathroom, am going to go through a free local magazine later and find some people locally.

Do check out grants and SS help Number When my Mum and Dad needed some help they were marvellous and got all sorts of handrails toilet seat risers bath handles even seat risers etc it is well worth having a talk with them your daughter sounds severely handicapped and needs lots of physical support as well as putting in her place It must have been terrible for her at age 20 to lose so much normality

We`ve been informed that it takes anything up to 18 months for the council to decide about grants, we need it now, plus it`s means tested, my daughter has more money in her account than us, so we`d probably be denied anyway. We already have the raised toilet seat, and frame, and a raised doorstep and outside grab handles.

There's bound to be some way you can query this, number? DD's needs would have to be assessed by an OT. She cannot access the bath, but can only have an all-over wash at a basin (which she can't manage herself). This goes against her rights. Again, it seems as if the GP will need to be involved so that an assessment could be carried out, though.

I'm afraid that if DD has over the "allowed" limit in savings numberplease then the council (or whoever) will probably not pay for a shower/wet room. My parents lived in an ex council house and my mum could not get up the stairs at all so she was sleeping in the sitting room and washing in the kitchen. SS accessed my mum as desperate and eventually (it took over a year) they were given an adapted bungalow. They were forced to sell their house at a rock bottom price in order to cover the rent of over £120 per week and have virtually nothing left now.

Daughter number 2 wants us to sell up and apply for a council bungalow, but our house is in such a bad state that it would fetch less than rock bottom price. I argued that we can`t afford the rent, which we don`t really want after having paid our mortgage off several years ago, she says the money we`d get for the house would pay for the rent, but then we`d have nothing to leave the kids, all we have now is the house. My daughter sleeps downstairs anyway, so the situation wouldn`t change for her. I have 2 plumbers coming on Monday and Tuesday to give quotes, and another in the pipeline. I`m specifying that we don`t want luxury, can`t afford it, just the basic necessities.

Good luck with it Number.

I wouldn't sell.

number before you go spending thousands on a wet room have a look at this bath lift.

bath lift

The white 'wing's on the side of the blue seat go edge-to-edge to the outer sides of the bath, bend upwards as the seat lowers and then flatten out when the seat is raised ... so as long as you are capable of sitting sideways onto the seat then turning your body and bringing your legs over so you are facing the taps, it is easy to use.

I've mentioned it on a previous thread and they really are very good and inexpensive. There are a number of companies that do such lifts - just that I've seen this one in action.

It sits in the bath on suction pads and there's no plumbing/installation involved - you charge the battery and just connect and press.

If your daughter doesn't want to co-operate with outside agencies, you can apply for an OT assessment for yourself as you say you can no longer have a bath. If you are deemed in need it would be free.

Riverwalk, my daughter already has one of those, that make as well, but it`s given up the ghost, and we were none of us too keen on it, I never felt safe, even though I knew that I was!

If your daughter is receiving benefits due to her disability why can't she spend it on making life easier for herself and for you? Benefits are supposed to be used by and for the recipient and not just saved up. I know it is easy for me sitting here in front of my laptop, I haven't been worn down by it as you obviously have, but why not try working yourself into a lather again and telling your daughter bluntly that she either pays for a new wet room to enable her to stay at home or she moves into a care home? I feel sorry for your daughter's health problems but angry that you are suffering too.

Same comment- maybe her sisters can explain to her that benefits should be spend on what they are intended for and not for piling up in the bank. The Council are unlikely to help with a grant if she has significant benefits and savings.

I've only just read this thread for the first time today. What a terrible situation you find yourself in numberplease but you've made the first move by involving her sisters. I feel your daughter needs to think about other people and especially you, and it's about time this was brought home to her.

After all, you're not asking that much of her.

She is going to pay a third of the cost of the bathroom, I think that`s fair, as it will benefit the 2 of us as well, as we can neither of us get in and out of the bath anymore. Our share will come out of what we call "THE FUNERAL FUND", at the moment there`s enough for one and a bit funerals, but daughters 2 and 3 say not to be daft, if there`s no money for funerals when the time comes, they won`t just leave us lying around!

Great- and I like your sense of humour. Just give your body to science, its cheaper ;).

I thought about that Granjura, but someone told me that they give what they don`t use or need, back to the family, so there`s still funeral expenses of a sort.