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And my daughter too

(125 Posts)
numberplease Mon 29-Sept-14 17:28:14

I didn`t want to hijack Gillybob`s thread, so started another. Our eldest daughter is 50, 51 in December. She still lives with us, is disabled through rheumatoid arthritis, but can do a certain amount of things. The problem, well, MY problem, is her hygiene, or distinct lack of it. I wash her hair for her, as she can`t manage it, but I have to practically force her to have it done, but as for washing, she thinks that washing her hands and face before going to bed is enough. The dirt on her body is obvious to anyone, especially her legs and feet, and not to put too fine a point on it, she smells, bad, and her two sisters have noticed as well, so it`s not just me. Part of that problem is that she wets herself a lot, I have a waterproofed pad on the seat of her chair, but they don`t stay fresh for long. Trouble is, whenever I mention her cleanliness, it`s like water off a duck`s back, she just doesn`t respond at all. And she won`t let anyone see her undressed, so can`t offer to wash her. She has never had a boyfriend, rarely leaves the house, the last time was two and a half years ago, because she thinks people are staring at her, and to be honest, they do, and she spends every minute of the day on her laptop, playing some game or other, from when she gets up, around 9.30 to 10am, till she goes to bed, usually around 3am, even has her plate on top of her keyboard at mealtimes so she can keep playing, and doesn`t stop to watch TV, says she can watch and play.
My husband has never been the most hygienic of people, doesn`t wash enough, and it looks like she`s going the same way. I`m 71, not that fit myself, and don`t know how to cope with this, also I feel as if by telling people I`m betraying her in some way. I`m going to post this quick before I change my mind.

annsixty Wed 01-Oct-14 16:22:57

You have a whole army behind you BUT I know you are going to have to be strong,calm and very determined. Your future could be determined by what happens this evening.Good luck and best wishes.flowers

gillybob Wed 01-Oct-14 16:30:54

Oh number please don't be scared. You are not doing this for selfish reasons, you are doing it to help your DD in the long term. I am sure your other daughters will see it like this even if DD1 doesn't. If I were you I would say when everyone is together "I am not putting up with any rubbish when you have gone home mind you" and make sure they all know you mean it. If DD1 "starts" when they have left you will have to try to be hard and firm and say "what did I say earlier? I am NOT putting up with this cr*p". You will have to try and be strong.

I really wish I could be there with you. sad

Marelli Wed 01-Oct-14 16:34:07

number - stay strong. Just think of all of us behind you, if you can. I know that might sound a bit daft, but we're all rooting for you. Your DD has not been respecting you or herself. This has to be done. Just go for it. Tomorrow you'll be able to tell us how it went, and it'll be just fine. Tonight, think of us wishing you luck and love! x

janeainsworth Wed 01-Oct-14 16:39:54

Dear number, your daughter has nothing to forgive you for.
You are acting in her best interests by being firm about this and making her take responsibility for herself.
She must know that her behaviour is not acceptable by anyone's standards and it may come as a surprise to her that you are not going to tolerate it any longer, but that doesn't alter the fact that you are right to do what you're doing, for your own sake and hers.
Stay strong, you will come through this.
Thinking of you.

granjura Wed 01-Oct-14 16:48:05

We will all be there for you, virtually rooting for you. Like many things, it may well ahve to get worse before it gets better- but hopefully things will be turned around for the best in the long-term.

Remain calm and strong if things go temporarily pear-shaped- and if necessary, and I certainly hope not- you'll have to ask for support with respite care and a break- but hopefully this won't be necessary.

ffinnochio Wed 01-Oct-14 16:54:12

number My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. Remember that you are doing this because you love her, and I hope you will gain strength from that.
Thinking of you.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Oct-14 16:55:19

The outcome will probably surprise you number.

It will be ok. smile

numberplease Wed 01-Oct-14 16:57:14

I know you`re all right, but I can`t help worrying. I haven`t been able to tell my husband what`s happening, he`s hardly ever here, and when he is, my daughter`s here as well, so it`ll be a shock to him as well. I just wish I could sort him and his hygiene out as well, but that`s an impossibility! She`ll probably say something along those lines as well.

janeainsworth Wed 01-Oct-14 17:04:24

number What you say is 'this isn't about your dad, it's about you'. Stick to the point, keep your aim in mind and don't be sidetracked.
I agree with jingle, I think you'll surprise yourself too.

Stansgran Wed 01-Oct-14 17:35:11

I was talking to DH about some people becoming really unpleasant to be with in the same room. Evidently they begin to like the smell and feel safe. We were talking about a troubled young relative who was staying. The other thing to bear in mind is a loss of sense of smell in some illnesses. MIL had Parkinson's and wasnt aware of some issues even though she was a keen bather.

Lona Wed 01-Oct-14 19:34:13

number I'm with you in spirit, I hope you get a positive outcome. I think you'll be surprised how strong you can be when you make up your mind to it.
((hugs))

granjura Wed 01-Oct-14 21:15:54

Can't stop thinking about you.

Coolgran65 Wed 01-Oct-14 21:39:18

I hope all is going as good as is possible (( )))

numberplease Wed 01-Oct-14 21:43:36

Well, they`ve been and gone. She hardly said a word, kept on playing her game on the laptop. She says it`s my fault, because she can`t get to the sink in the bathroom as the cat`s litter tray is in the way. As far as I can tell it wouldn`t make any real difference, but if she wants it moved all she has to do is ask. Her sisters have suggested a carer, she`s adamant she doesn`t want that, says she can manage on her own. Anyway, they`ve given her a month to prove that she can manage to get herself sorted, and tomorrow I`m going to ask the plumber who`s coming to fix a leak in the bathroom how much he`d charge to convert it to a wet room, which would benefit all of us. I`m also going to get 2 or 3 more quotes, and she`s going to pay a third of the cost. If she doesn`t prove herself satisfactorily to daughters 2 and 3, they`ve sworn they`re going to come and get her in and out of the bath, whether she likes it or not! She hasn`t said a word since they left.

Marelli Wed 01-Oct-14 21:56:57

That's a good and positive start number. Now that your other DD's are involved you'll hopefully not feel so alone with it all, and it'll give her something to be thinking about. How are you feeling? x

Kiora Wed 01-Oct-14 22:07:35

Your braver than you know. Stay strong xx

numberplease Wed 01-Oct-14 22:12:53

I`m just relieved that there wasn`t an unholy row, she`s not mentioned it since they left.

Lona Wed 01-Oct-14 22:38:42

She's probably realised that you mean business number.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Oct-14 22:46:46

Hopefully that's a step in the right direction anyway. Glad there was no horrible row. Hope that things can soon improve all round for you all.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Oct-14 22:48:00

Would be really good if her sisters could help you get her to go out of the house sometimes. smile

Coolgran65 Wed 01-Oct-14 23:04:19

numbers you have taken a great step, something you never thought you could do.
Please feel very proud of yourself.

janeainsworth Wed 01-Oct-14 23:05:45

Great result number. Puttng a timescale on it is exactly the right thing to do.
We could do wih a strong woman emoticon on here!
sunshine will have to do instead!

merlotgran Wed 01-Oct-14 23:17:26

Well done, number It's a step in the right direction.

numberplease Wed 01-Oct-14 23:36:58

I need a "heaves a great big sigh" emoticon!

numberplease Wed 01-Oct-14 23:37:31

Meant to add, thanks to you all for your support x