There have been a couple of discussions lately about ending a relationship and I am tantalised by those who are so much happier afterwards and I wonder how one knows it's the right thing to do?
We've been married 30 years. He's a good, kind, hardworking man (though he can be stubborn and emotionally distant, can't we all!), I still think he's attractive, we're reasonably good friends, I enjoy his company some of the time.
I suppose the thing is me, I'm 60, both my parents were dead by the age of 63. The thing my husband isn't is adventurous and our life has been quiet - three children (one just returned home for a year working locally, one still to graduate), getting by financially just, yearly holidays mostly camping in France, seeing a few films, reading books. No close joint friends (he has never been good at socializing though lately he's joined a choir and seems to be branching out on that score). He's quite an intellectual, an ideas person. I've always been more hands-on, I like growing things, art, physical activity. I feel that my life has got subsumed in being there for the children while he worked long hours doing things he really enjoyed. My fault that, I know and I regret now that I didn't staying working full time, too late for that one!
Now I feel utterly confused. Many will immediately respond, I know, by saying 'you don't know how lucky you are'. I feel a desperate sense of life slipping away and having done nothing of worth except breed. I hate where we live (midlands city). I want to be somewhere wilder, north or west, somewhere where people speak in the street and there is a beautiful landscape, a beach to walk on.
I am tantalised by the thought that if we split and sold the house I would have enough money to buy something for myself somewhere and I would be free to do what I wanted or to find out what that was. He knows I'm unhappy and says yes, we must move, but frankly he's in a partnership with an old friend, they've got a consultancy going they both enjoy, he likes city life and access to libraries and cinemas. I suspect it'll never happen.
These days it seems to me everyone travels everywhere, people do such exciting things, I feel dull and as though when I do meet people I have nothing to say. Where I live is full of university people (the university dominates the city) and they make me feel stupid.
Please don't tear me to pieces, I am nervous writing this and I am not so stupid that I can't see that walking away would mean losing a lot. So that's why I wonder how do people know that they want to walk away so clearly that they do.
Thank you for reading, didn't mean to write so many words.
