living alone

Reading your OP ethel it sounds as if you are quite angry - and why wouldn't you be after your diagnosis.

I do not want to get into a relationship at this stage of my life and I know that is for quite selfish reasons - not sharing my home, etc., but, as you implied, as long as I can look after myself that is not a problem.

I think my first question would be - what would happen if you didn't have someone with you? There must be people in that position and I wonder what happens to them.

The last couple of threads that etheltbags1 has begun, have centred completely around herself. There has been no mention as such, about the feelings of others in much of what she has commented on, so I'm thinking that a lot of what she writes is merely a 'wind-up' No-one, surely, could be as mean-spirited as this? I notice from your profile, etheltbags1, that you enjoy debating..... ?

Although my DH was still alive when I had cancer I attended all appointments on my own, I preferred it that way. The idea of cultivating a relationship just to see you through an illness is, if you don't mind me saying, quite cold and calculating.

I met a lot of people at the various appointments who were alone and there was always someone to talk to who understood what I was going through because they were going through it as well.

My GP used to have a scheme whereby they would arrange, and pay for, a taxi for those without transport for hospital appointments, not sure if that is still the case - I think it was only for a trial period some years ago.

I really struggle with what you're saying ethelbags, and like Mishap find you come across as calculating and cold.

Helping someone is two ways and, as much as all of us want to be strong and independent, there are times when a helping hand or listening ear is needed. But that is reciprocated willingly, not just setting out to cultivate a 'friendship' then deliberately use someone and abuse their kindness.

I'm also feeling very uncomfortable with this after so many Gransnetters have offered you support, advice and kindness on other threads.

Sunseeker same here the ladies at the Oncology Clinic are aware of transport needs and will do all they can to help if you are stuck at any time,I also went to most of my appointments on my own and used the support of the on duty nurse if I needed someone.
I'm sure you will meet someone at the clinic who will guide you in the right direction if you ask,ask Macmillon care they are not only there for respite care you know they have all sorts of outlets available to patients.

ethelbags1 Your profile says you have a daughter and a grandchild whom you love. I wonder if you would help them if they were sick ? Does your daughter help you I any way or are you tired of that relationship too ?

Missed your post Nelliemoser,
I agree totally with what you say, all very sad.

I have posted a few times on threads by etheltbags - usually with long gaps between my posts as I find I get rather frustrated by her ingrained attitudes to everyone and everything.

After this, I think I shall just keep well out of it. She has said repeatedly on her many threads that she does not want anyone's help, so I will not burden her with mine.

Good post Nellimoser and exactly how I feel. To be honest Ethel I am tired of your selfish sometimes sneering posts. Like all on here, I am sorry you are ill, but it is not my fault and not the fault of others on GN, whatever help and suggestions are made you throw them back, and speak as if you think those of us who do have partners are somehow stupid for doing so. I am not surprised you have few friends to be honest, you have shown in previous posts( about giving back birthday gifts etc) that you can be quite unkind. I do not honestly believe that you are a therapist and practice reiki because you give off such bad vibes on line, it must be awful in real life. I hope that your treatment goes well, and I hope that you speak to MacMillan as had been recommend many times, and if this is real, not a wind up, I wish you well. If this is a test/debate/wind up/shame on you.

Me too Elegran, why is she abusing everyone's compassion, advice and time?

thank you all for your comments they are interesting to say the least.
I will manage as many of you all have done.
x

etheltbags1.
I could be wrong, but I think you see things sometimes in very black and white ways.
So , you have a problem, and try to solve it.
But then come up against your own personality, and then it becomes a case of, do I win, or does my problem?
I hope I am making some sense!

So you see this as a problem[that is the someone being with you at parts of your treatment problem] v trying to solve it somehow, without compromising your personality in some way.

This is the problem with some things in life. We have to bend something we hold dear, or work round something, or forgo something in some way.

No, I dont think that you should enter into a relationship in order to get round your problem of having someone to look after you at times.

From what little I have read on your recent threads, I think you will end up with about 100 problems, in order to try and solve 1.

I think that, for you, you have 2 choices.
Either, stick to your personality, and have no one with you at times.
Or, use perhaps Age Concern, or the other couple of suggestions of organisations on here.
[I think that you are ruling out Macmillans].

If you use Age Concern for example, who seem geared up for this type of thing, then yes, it will involve some interaction with strangers, who you may or may not get along with.

It may be better, in your case, to start the chemo treatment, and see how you get on with having no one.

It wouldnt be my choice. But it may be yours. x

ethelbags1 I have noticed on another thread that one of your cats had passed away in October, which must have upset you greatly as from your posts, your cats are your dear friends, I am wondering if this has made you upset and maybe angry as things like this can effect us all in different ways, it can cause great distress when we have to take our beloved pets on that final journey and now you have your own journey to go on, perhaps it has all been too much for you.I hope your treatment is soon sorted and you find some comfort somewhere and someone to help you.

soontobe, I think your advice to ethel makes a great deal of sense. It's also measured and kind and I'm sure she will appreciate that.

I am hoping that this is the last post that you open ethelbags because it is the same subject disguised everytime.

I have spent all day at a hospital by myself having treatment, being up since 7am and not arriving home until 8.30pm. I live on my own and I work my way around things. I cannot believe that anybody would be so cold and calculating, as others have said, to make a friend, use that person to your own ends and drop him or her when the tasks have been completed.

I agree with so many and I also am bowing out, I do not intend to waste any more time when you really do not care. People on these posts have been so kind to you, giving loads of advice- as I have said before, you need to get a grip.

I think I'd be inclined to go on my own, using the taxi option to get home afterwards.

It doesn't always make much difference whether you have people ready to come and help you out, or not.

I remember being in the eye clinic all afternoon, waiting to be seen. No one seemed to notice me or bother about me. I wonder to this day if they had simply forgotten about me. I didn't like to make a fuss. Anyway, the upshot was that I finally left the clinic after about three hours, having finally been seen, with very bleary eyes from the pupil-dilating eye-drops, and making my way home on my bike, which I had parked outside, looking at the world through a very dissorientating blur. I could just about make out when the green man on the crossings were on go. This was after having texted three of them (DH, DS and DD) and hoping for one of them to turn up to pick me up.

I have never forgiven the buggers.

soontobe that is a thoughtful and kind post.

ethel I wouldn't think you would want someone living with you if you are not feeling your best.

That is not a good basis for a relationship. Perhaps the person you have in mind will be kind enough to give some practical help eg lifts, without any other commitment, and I hope you would be able to do the same for him if he ever needed help.

Concentrate on getting yourself better, not on a new relationship.

soontobe [thumbs up emoticon]

Charleygirl. [ flowers]
Sometimes we just have to " get on with it" don't we. Hope it goes well for you and while you may be (literally) on your own I hope you feel that there are always friends here to have a chat to or a giggle.

What went wrong with the ??

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Oh dear crun. Out of sympathy, I once suggested that someone had OCD and was pilloried by other Gransnetters and the comment was almost instantly deleted. Watch out.

Crun I think suggesting a "diagnosis" of someone on line is a little unfair.

I have visited people in hospital, some of them very close to me, when they were being treated for or dying of cancer. I have never gawped. I cannot begin to imagine why anyone would or what on earth they were gawping at.

My mother was a very angry person and I think Ethel is too. All people react differently to bad times. My DS who is recovering from a big cancer op and extended Chemo went to all appointments including the scary big scanner on his own.

He is much younger than us Grans but I did admire his courage. He said he preferred it on his own and he said he wasn't brave but preferred to go into what he calls his "man cave."

I am very proud of his courage and proud that I helped raise such a brave son. personally I'm not so brave.