Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

Yes soontobe we live on the same street, their house is about 400 yards away. Our ES has made very clear on numerous occasions that we are no longer a part of his life so we only make contact if he contacts us, apart from last summer when we were worried and just wanted to make sure he was OK.

For me, even just sending him cards for his bday and Christmas seems pointless. We've told him that we love him and will always be here for him if he needs or wants us; we can do no more and it doesn't help us in our efforts to try and move on with our lives to keep on 'flogging a dead horse'.

All we do is deliver bday and Christmas cards for our GC. We don't knock, simply pop them through the letter box. We will be linked for ever to our son and he to us, no matter how much he may now wish we weren't; strange though how he didn't regard it as a problem for 27 years, quite the opposite in fact.

Hello Mayhem & thank you I did always send GC cards with little letters in, but they always came back through my letter box ripped up & now I don't know their address :'-(
Nice to hear you had a good celebration for your m.i.l smileless & that you all had a good night. Yes we had a lovely Saturday morning in the wedding dress shop Celebgran & smileless thank you for asking. My D was just going to try on a few different styles, but then fell in love with one! It is really beautiful, so she has 'The' dress
Im typing on my little Hudle, not easy to do so I'll just leave you with a little it's a big glass so you can all share, oh here have another

You must have had a great day Yogagirl I'm so pleased your DD found 'The Dress'.

Not long until you jet off to theCeleb have you started packing yet? I'm enviouswe've still got 6.5 weeks until we go away and it's started raining.

DH made me cry yesterday. He just came up to me and said he thought I was a wonderful mum. He'd been thinking about all of the things I'd done for and with the boys. I have so much to be thankful for I must never lose sight of how lucky I am.

Aargh smileless . My dear son said rest to me well lovely mum he said and it does half help eve if makes you emotional !

Do feel excited [grini]. Not do e much packing yet both cases down from loft [grjn] have put several bits ready to pack etc.

Will be big decisions h many and which shoes, dresses, mmmm hate the decisions bit!

Guess what lost 2lb at weigh in! Let's hope after hol can Carry on she gave us couple weight diaries and said try not to go too mad! Wel weeks cruise then all inclusive week may be taxing!

Exciting wentt not agents they been soooo helpful not only registered passports checked us in and printed off boarding passes! Also she went through all trips from cruise and we have booked one for each island, she was soooo sweet took us about hour and half. Been good day we then had delicious eggs ham and chips and glass wine before rushing home for Rosie

Hope your ladies had good Monday too.

Yogagirl wow that's amazing the dress bought!!,

Such exciting times.

Well Celeb sounds like you're getting organised for your holiday. Have you packed yet or shouldn't I ask. You're choosing the right time to go away, what with Mother's Day on Sunday and the weather not looking too great.

No plans for Sunday, certainly wont be having my mum and bro over as I don't want a repeat of last years' fiasco. Hopefully it will just feel like any other Sunday and at least there'll be no more adverts to contend with.

Don't expect a card from DS in Oz as Mother's Day over there is in May, not that I'll get a card then either, not a great one for card buying and sending but I must say since he's been so far away for almost 2 years, he's certainly improved.

Tears last night. I asked DH if it would always be like this, or perhaps I should have asked if I'd always be like this, on the run up to MDay, FDay. B'days and Christmas and he said it would always be sad but not as sad as it is at the moment; still early days. Bless him.

Oh smileless it is early days I was bad for first 4 I think sorry to say then oh took me away for weekend and I felt ok first time and last year also especially when son and family visited.

This year asked son for early card he said of course, but may have forgotten.

Chin up smiless you will be ok damn hard though I agree.

no packing not done going up there now, well undies been put in, but got lot decisions make ref dresses, shoes, oh hell !

Will miss you all be good xxx

Will miss you too Celeb have a great holiday, glad you're also taking dresses etc and not just undies, was beginning to wonder what sort of holiday you were going on.

I hope you've all managed to enjoy Mother's Day; I've had a lovely day, totally unexpected.

DH and I went out for the day and had a lovely lunch. The weather was much better than the forecast so we really enjoyed it. When we got home there was a huge bouquet of roses and lilies from DS in Aus.. Totally unexpected as it isn't Mother's day there until May so I really wasn't expecting any thing.

for you all and 'Happy Mother's Day'.

Hello smileless
Lovely to hear you had a good day out with hubby and a wonderful surprise from your NS, Lillie's & Roses all the way from Oz! You lucky girl you.
I've just got back from my ND. Had a lovely home cooked roast dinner, card & chocs I was feeling emotional this morning, no escaping Mothers Day on the radio had two classes to teach, so had to pull myself together! I was OK once I was teaching though
Myself & one other gran from here have done the Daily Mail news article, (along with one other lady) I had a make-up artist, hairdresser plus the photographer round for almost 3 hours a rail of Marks & Spencer clothes. I thought I looked garstley! Thick make-up & they straightened my hair, when normally it's curly, bit like Kate Humble's. My ND came in just before they had finished & she said I looked very glamorous, but then she would have to say that, wouldn't she . We have both proof read the article & agree it is very good, with no finger waging, so we can't get any retaliation from it. So lets hope it does some good.

Sounds like your day was great too Yogagirl, let's hope Celeb enjoyed herself as well.

Well, good for you for going ahead with the article. I'm pleased that you've proof read the article and are happy with it. You'll have to let us know when it's going in to print. Don't believe that you were made to look ghastly, I bet you looked really glam.

Well done for speaking out for us all. Wish I could have done it but couldn't go against DH wishes, he'd only have worried himself in to a frenzy. for you and for the other gran from here.

Oh.smileless so pleased for you how kind of your son! We were at airport but was thrilled Steve rang and putphone loudspeaker so they all spoke made my day.

Loved cruise and loving Barbados holiday half over!

Be honest got bit tearful when heard young girl about 20 callout mum on cruise but we will have said moments.

This hotel is soon lovely and beach is gorgeous white powder sand Crystal clear water had lovely swim.

Missed talking so here I am from long way off!

I sometimes read this thread hoping that there will be some happy endings. I was reading this blog from the NY times called when the When The Ties That Bind You Unravel where there is some, I thought good advice from a psychologist who himself was estranged from his own daughter. Also the first reply of over 2,000 comments from a woman called Maggie had some interesting views.

Yes faye, I thought that Maggie's remarks were actually more interesting than the blog, particularly when she said that our generation had grown up with adult-centred parents, whereas we had raised child-centred children ourselves, and this had led to a sense of entitlement. I'm not sure that's necessarily the case as it implies child-centred upbringing and education leads to selfishness.

Two things the regular posters can take from these articles and blogs, firstly this is more common than anyone could have imagined and secondly, like them, most parents are bewildered by what has caused the split.

It seems to me a case of 'there but for the grace of ....'

Strange you should say that,Anya. I'm a Befriender for Age Concern.
I went to visit a new lady the other day. She was showing me photos of her Grandson (23) and told me that he had stopped talking to the whole family.

Thanks for sharing that Faye I haven't had time to read it yet but I'll certainly make sure that I do. We don't have our happy ending and I fear we never will but the good news is we're doing our best to re build our lives with out our ES and only GC, and it does get a little easier to cope with, with each passing year.

It really is quite disturbing how common this form of estrangement is Anya. Gransnet was the first site I came on to and it was such a relief when I first read the COOTL2 thread to know that we were not alone. I also post on two others and some of the contributions are really heart breaking. As you say, the majority of parents are utterly bewildered by their children's behaviour; as are we. It's impossible to understand how the child you love and cared for for the whole of their lives can turn against you and in so many cases with such hostility and cruelty.

It may be of some comfort petra for the lady you've just started visiting to know that this isn't just happening to her family but countless of others who don't know why such a terrible thing has happened.

Hope all is well with you Yogagirl and that you're enjoying your holiday Celebgran.

Smokeless exactly right thing to.do we, both fortunate to have nice sons still in our,lives mine,has assured me,he could never do what our daughter,has.

We,having fantastic time here at club Barbados after wonderful cruise.

Very sadhow,common estrangement is and best not dwell on reasons there are none in most cases

Yogagrirl sent you pm didn't go WiFi iffy here will try again to you and smileless.

So good go hear that you're enjoying your holiday Celeb. Was that a Freudian slip by the way I'm assuming that when you put 'smokeless' you meant to put Smilelessbecause no, I'm not smokeless, still enjoying my cigarettes. Bought my self an 'E' cigarette a few weeks ago but it's just not the same, but useful in emergencies.

Counting down to our month's holiday in Florida, just over 4 weeks to go; can't wait. It'll be lovely to put so many miles between us and ES. It's not good them living just down the road. DH saw her collecting our dear GC from the childminder's when he was walking our little dog so once again my thoughts turned to moving away when he retires.

Spending the rest of our lives living just down the road from them just isn't an option. Nearly 3 years in and we're managing to stay strong but can we do it for the next 20 or more years, living so close and watching the GC who doesn't even know we exist growing up, no, I don't think so.

Morning girls
Thank you all new posters for your input & advise, much appreciated .
I think I must have read every article and book on this subject, but seems there is always more to come! so thanks for sharing
Well smileless has encouraged me to get back on the main page again, as opposed to pming, the unpleasantness that ended our last page left a sore tast & put me off a bit. We 3 are all on other forums (staggering how many there are!) which are closed and only grans in same same boat are invited to join, anyone coming on making trouble are immediately asked to leave. However this page is nicer as we 'chat' about other things as well as our estrangements, so it makes it a lot more light hearted and the new grans seem lovely and are very welcome
Well onto my news; My ND had her 20weeks scan on Monday, and it's a .........it's a GIRL! we are all so happy. The scan showed that the baby is perfect, so ND can stop worrying! The scan was so clear, baby not as active as the first scan, but could really see all the fingers & toes and her little face..beautiful! We all went out for a celebrational lunch after
My ND & fiencee have changed their wedding venue losing their £500 deposit! Owing to the fact that the wedding is next year & they cancelled within 14days you would think they would get their deposit back, but no! as there is a loop hole in the law protecting hospitality venues!
Must go, more news next time....
for smileless & Celebgran too Take care all xx

It was so good to see your post Yogagirl, such wonderful news needs to be shared. Isn't it amazing that you can see your grand daughter's beautiful face before she's been born. I'm thrilled that you're going to be a grand mother. for you andfor your DD.

The other forums are good but what I loved about COOTL and hope will be the same here, are the friendships that can be formed. It's good to be able to share any news, good or bad or just pop on line for a 'chat'. There doesn't seem to be the opportunity to get to 'know' one another on other forums and when living with such heart ache, it really helps to be able to gradually build up trust with others who are also trying to cope.

The unpleasantness which occurred from time to time certainly did leave a nasty taste in the mouth. There was a even a little hiccup at the very beginning of this thread but all seems to have settled down and let's hope it stays that way.

That's a rotten thing to do isn't it, keeping hold of such a large deposit for a wedding venue booked for next year that was cancelled within 14 days of making the booking; seems to me that this loop hole needs closing.

Thanks again for that link Faye, it was a good article and I agree with you janeainsworth that Maggie's comments made for more interesting reading.

I'm thinking about you Celeb, enjoying the. It's horrible here today, cold wind and rain so enjoy it while you can. Hopefully when you return you'll bring some back with you.

Had a rubbish morning today, everything going wrong, even managed to go shopping minus my wallet so had to go and mug DH for some cash. I was hoping to get my hands on his credit card but he'd left that at home so as I was going round the super market I was having to keep a running total in my head so I wouldn't spend more than the cash I had. Honestly, some days if had a brain, I'd be quite dangerous.

Thank you smileless & for the pm
I've suggested to my ND &F to contact their MP as that loop hole needs to be closed, as this has happened to many young couples. In the brochure it said no hidden costs, but it was all hidden costs, time they hit the £10,000 mark they decided it was time to pull the plug! With gowns, cars, honeymoon etc on top, it was heading ever higher & just becoming too big a bill, they were even charging for the Xmas tree & table no Anyway James said he would pay them a visit first to see if he can sort it, his a big bloke so......

My b.I.l (previous) wedding is in a few weeks time, all are invited, he is the only one left in the family that nasty s.I.l hasn't fallen out with, no doubt because he lives in Africa, but he always seems to be home on a visit or business. So with all invited I am a bit afraid who will turn up, can't imagine nasty s.I.l going as he has fallen out with everyone else who will be going and has said some awful things. Aside from that, I'm really looking forward to the wedding as it's in Eltham Palace in London. My b.I.l is 3 days younger than me, his new (4th) wife is 27 , true love though and absolutely nothing to do with him being a multi millionaire
Totally agree with you smileless re the other forums.
Well Celebgran you must feel totally pampered, refreshed and I hope happy after your wonderful cruise, wish you a safe journey back.
Meeting my sister in lakeside today for some retail therapy & lunch
& for all, oh go on then well it is Friday

Oooh that retail therapy and lunch sounds lovely Yogagirl I hope you had a great time.

Yes, have a safe journey home Celebgran, really looking forward to hearing about your wonderful holiday and all of the lovely things you've been up too.

Just finished reading the first part of an interview in Saturday's Mail with Elton John's 90 year old mother, who he hasn't spoken to for 7 years.

She firmly believes that their estrangement is due to his husband as as well as her, very old and dear friends have also been dropped. Sounds familiar. There was a huge row because Elton wanted her to break contact with two friends they'd both known for 30 years as he'd fallen out with them. Sounds familiar. Our ES wanted us to stop having contact with the son of two of our oldest and dearest friends, who he'd been extremely close too, like brothers until d.i.l. came along. We refused of course, telling him that we weren't getting involved. It was an argument that could be resolved if both sides chose to do so but it wasn't our argument, it was theirs.

The interviewer asked how she felt about it now and she said that as it had been 7 years she'd moved on, that she didn't know what she'd do or feel if he suddenly turned up because she'd been through so much she didn't know if she'd ever want to go back there again. That she certainly wanted nothing to do with David, Elton's husband because she didn't think she'd be able to contain her anger. She might not be able to resist the desire to thump him round the ear; she's 90and judging from the interview, I think she would too.

Of course if I wasn't the techno phobe you all know, and hopefully love I'd be able to do what all of you clever ladies can do, find the article on the web, and create a link so you can read it for your selves, but I can't; sorry.

Well worth reading though, even if you have to go out and buy the paper.

Have a good weekend every one here's someand for us all.

Oooh how lovely, bunny facesI can see myself getting quite carried away with these.

I hope you've all had a good weekend despite the weather which was pretty dismal here yesterday and isn't much better today. Well at least it's not raining but the wind is strong and very chilly; what's happened to spring.

I didn't really pop on just to see if the bunny faces were here yetbut to say "welcome back Celebgran, hope you had a really great time and I can't wait to hear all about it".

Hope all is well with you Yogagirl and DD and lovely baby are doing well.

Thanks dear smileless (not smokeless )and yogagirl great to get welcome back messages!

Jet lagged or what coming from Caribbean always does this to us we lost 5 hours could not sleep at all on plane, tho some Dreamliner v good ad had extra legroom but oh no could not get comfy restless legs!
Will try do bunnies!

Soop tired slt couple he's when got in after shower andea and toast. Us woke up worse all cotton wool felt quite ill .
good news is we both feel lot closer after problems before we went.

I really really enjoyed more news next when more on ball!
Cruise was great but hotel was even better love the sea sand sooo relaxing and hotel was small food cooked to order mainly mmmmm.

Fantastic get back after 17 days and little Rosie in top form!
Had to do it go on Tor Facebook page and see she added 2 new "friends" boy does it hurt yet ignore her dad 70th. Oh girls I recommend did not mention estrangement to anyone just said if asked have got 3 Gra daughters then changed subject.

Ygagiro hope your daughter gets deposit back is disgraceful hotels should be ashamed way they rack up costs for poor young couples.

Smileless your turn next for holiday!

Agree totally we don't want any more nastiness on here there really is no place for it as I said at time what sort of boring. Life have People got to try and stir up trouble for the sake of it!?
We all need positive support or kind interest not downright rudeness.
Rant over!

Off sleep now speak soon xxx
Ps smileless worry not husband plonked our 2 large hand luggage bags on table where rep was waiting book us off cruise and the table collapsed I laughed and laughed almost had accident! X

Forgot to say I have read about elton estrangement with mother, he didn't even go to his fathers funeral so sad.

I understand he still supports her financially though.
Not read recent stuff no appears was complete break on holiday yeah