Mothers and daughters

We only know what it felt like for us to be little girls, grow up, give birth etc- out mothers and daughters may be entirely different.
My mother grew up on a remote farm - she never understood the friendship problems girls had. She was also very much a tomboy and happy in the open air, throwing balls against the walls etc- something I never got.
She had difficult births- I had very easy ones.
We have a very close relationship but I think she and my brother had a much closer understanding.

I have a friend who keeps lamenting that I will never have the 'special' mother/ daughter bond. She seems to gloss over the fact she left home at the earliest opportunity and doesn't get on with her daughter!

Very true Absent. Love my daughter

I go along with those who speak out against an idealised version of the mother-daughter relationship. I have two grown daughters, and have very different relationships with them; and with both there have been big ups and downs. Some years ago I read an excellent book on the subject of mother-daughter communication, entitled "You're Wearing That?, by Deborah Tanner. Being able to develop honest communication in any relationship seems fundamental to me; even though, in my case, there was one period of 6 months when my eldest and I did not speak! (It was years ago, and now we do.)

That's lovely absent and rings very true for me and my 3 DDs. We are all very close and when we do have disagreements we just agree to disagree and don't let things escalate.

Sadly things don't always work that way for everyone.

I was quite affected by the OP. I adore my daughter - have been besotted from day one, in spite of never seeing myself as the mother of girls (Like Leticia's mum, I was, and still am, a terrible tomboy). She is a lovely girl, the mother of my only grandson, we are close, and I love to spend time with her, but there is always an invisible line with 'don't cross here, mum' on it. If we fall out, and we have occasionally, it is definitely NOT a case of 'let not the sun go down on your wrath'! So I keep any criticisms to myself and tread carefully where necessary. I was talking to a friend this week, who has daughters and she is the same. My son, on the other hand, is very like me. We have a lot more in common, and the same tastes in books, and some music, and I don't have to tread on eggshells with him. He will ask for advice - something my daughter will never do - even though he doesn't always take it. I will ask him for advice. I have been through a lot with him - he lost his first wife after a few years of marriage - and I have seen all his raw edges. He wears his heart on his sleeve, so you always know where you are with him, and my daughter very definitely doesn't. But he is married and that adds another dimension to our relationship. As the saying goes "your son is your son 'till he takes him a wife; your daughter's your daughter for all of her life" (with luck and a following wind!).

It worries me that time and time again on MN you get women who want girls, because the girl is going to turn out to be mum's best friend in later life, with shopping trips, cosy daily chats, shared interests, bonding over pregnancies and grandchildren. A lot of them are bound to have disappointments with such high expectations. It is pure luck what you get. They may be nothing like you, they may be too much like you!
It is all to do with personalities - and to a certain extent geography as your daughter might emigrate etc.
Absolutely everything in that lovely opening post was just as relevant to a son- except the kitten heels - and the one battle ground of my teens was shoe shopping and my mother insisting on 'sensible' shoes! ( I agree with her now but it certainly wasn't a bonding exercise at the time!)

Good post Leticia. The phrase 'your son is your son....... Etc, seems to be MNs mantra and the foundation for MIL bashing!

x

Your daughter us your daughter not your best friend so some of these MN mums are in for a reality check in a few years time. My son and I are kindred spirits, but neither do I try to be his best friend.

I also think the little rhyme about sons and daughters is utter rubbish! It may have been the case when everyone lived near the place of birth, the men went out to work and women had more time in the home, but not now when women are just as likely to be the solicitors, surgeons, architects etc and will move away to find work.
My mother lives close to my brother, it is he and my SIL who do her shopping, take her to appointments etc. I live 200 miles away.
I have all 3 sons arriving today to take me out to lunch. They all live over an hour's travel away but we are in contact regularly.
A parent should not be a best friend! They have plenty of those but only one mother.
Unfortunately they are in for a shock- they want a girl, but they can't tell what sort of girl they will get!

Well! I do seem to have unintentionally raised a few hackles! And where on earth do the MN references come in? I'm blowed if I either know or am interested. The quote is not something I would take as set in stone; it was just a quote! All I intended to say, and maybe I didn't put it well enough, was that we shouldn't always to expect to have a perfect rapport with our daughters, however much we would like it. I wish my daughter was as emotionally accessible as my son is, but I didn't imply I wanted to be "friends" with either of them - they are my children. I do think that marriage adds a different dimension to one's relationship with a son, and that's as it should be. Please don't comment on my post, as I don't feel inclined to have to justify myself again.

The MN references come in because there are constant threads where women take days to get over the 'disappointment' of having a boy or they have a boy and are desperate to have a girl. It is all because they have an idealistic picture of the sort of girl and relationship they will have- gender doesn't guarantee it.

There is a thread on MN at the moment where some one is worried that they will lose their sons when they marry- so much so that one woman is distancing herself from her 5 yr old son! It is so damaging , as well as being untrue.

I started this thread because I thought it would make a change from the many threads about broken family relationships that we have had over nearly four years. I was writing specifically about positive mother-daughter relationships because I was thinking about my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my daughter. I had no intention of denigrating sons or their relationships with their mothers and I am not so stupid as to imagine that everything between all mothers and daughters is sunshine and roses.

It's lovely that some people have such untroubling and enjoyable relationships with their children/parents.

Unfortunately, not everybody does and that can leave parents (and children) with feelings of guilt and failure. However, I think it's important to remember that very few relationships are completely without conflict and that love and care can still underlie even the most difficult relationship.

Personally, I think the gender of a child is not necessarily that relevant to whether the relationship is calm or stormy - my feeling is that it is very much dependent on the personalities of the child and the parent.

It was an absolutely lovely OP- I just can't see anything ( other than shoes) that wasn't about a mother/child relationship.

My relationships with my DCs (this includes my DS) have been hairy to say the least. At certain times over the years they've all been cool-ish with me, and this has been for all sorts of reasons. Every time this has happened it's upset me and worried me terribly, and I can more or less say I've never had a perfect rapport with any or all of them apart from briefly now and again! I know they love me, though - even my one lass who doesn't want me in her life for the time being. I like to think she does love me anyway.
As I get older I wonder how things will be as I do really age, and how they'll see me as an older, less able person. We (DH and I) have never asked for help with anything, and I don't think the family will find it easy....however, that might be a topic for another thread!
I also thought absent's OP was lovely. Although we sometimes struggle as parents, we've all had those moments of exquisite rapport and mutual understanding. They may not always last for very long, but it's very nice when they do.

Cherish every moment with your daughter you never know when life could deliver a cruel blow and suddenly she is taken from you.

I hope that hasn't happened to you myloluse

I think that my DDs already see us both as in need of help and support and crossing that line is a painful one for me. I do not see either of us as being in need - slowed down, in pain and troubled at times, but not in need of care. However I do appreciate their kindness and concern and look forward to being so well that they cannot imagine I need their help. An example of this is that when my DD comes round she always brings food she has cooked, whereas before she would have assumed that I would be cooking. I am gradually getting her to see that I can do this, even when I am feeling grim.

There are times when I feel that their concern (which I know is genuine and heartfelt) is burdensome to them and I hate that with a passion. But I cannot change the situation.

Sadly yes