Sidelined.

May be they are a bit at sea now your husband has gone, and you dont have him to look after you.
Personally, I would set out what I want and expect from them. They seem to need a new set of sort of rules.
[I dont think that 10 days is that long for them not to have been in touch?]
I am aware though that every family does things differently.

Good things from your posts - it sounds to me like they do care, but could do better!

Not so good things - only getting in touch if they want cash or a babysitter is not nice enough behaviour.

Your son and your agrophobia. It sounds to me like he doesnt know what to say to make it better. What would you like him to do and say? He may have to be told. I dont see anything wrong in that. To be fair to your elder son, he may have limited resources himself.

I think that you have to help them to help you. They need a bit of a gentle nudge. Stronger if they dont get the idea!

You have done so well Falconbird. I agree with what Riverwalk says above. We have been through the mill lately and I also sometimes feel sidelined now, like everyone else is more important than us. I try to just get on with it. I have spoken up in the past and it's made matters worse. You can't change people. I know, because I've tried!

I wonder if your sons see you as coping - you have done all these things, and they might think that all is well.

Do not worry about the fact that you think they see you as "a daft old bat" - my DDs are starting to treat me gently since I have been unwell. Maybe this is their way of showing that they care.

I imagine that they too are grieving and do not know quite how to handle it; or indeed you. You have seemed to be on top of things, and agoraphobia has no outward physical signs and is had to comprehend, so they are understandably puzzled.

The fact that one of the sons tells you to "stay strong" probably indicates that he does have some understanding of what you have done and what you are going through.

I did not know how to handle my Dad when Mum died - he was determined to put a brave face on it and was even embarrassed that he cried at her funeral. It was hard to mention Mum and her death - he just brushed it under the carpet.

Do you talk to the boys about their Dad? Do you say that you miss him? Is this something you can share together or does it not work like that in your family?

I have to admit that when I was tied up in work and raising a family, I was probably not as sympathetic to my parents when their parents died as I might have been - we can all be wise after the event. I am sure your boys do care - they are just treading on uncharted ground while they too are grieving.

Hi Falconbird - so many issues are coming up here - The main ones being that you are a caring, intelligent, understanding MOTHER and WOMAN who has helped, nurtured and, dare I say it, ruled, so far as your boys are concerned. You are invincible in their eyes. They do not want to see you as needing their help (or anybody else's for that matter) "stay strong" says it all for me - you are seen as the strong person - you must not crumble because if you do then they will have to be "grown up". There is a choice here. Personally, looking back on my mother's way (and my mil's way) of becoming the victim and the "poor me" person is like a red rag to a bull to strong minded children. Yes - Falconbird (what a wonderful name you chose) soar above it all and have a break from it all. It doesn't have to be a holiday - go and be aggrophobic - five miles from home (I'm not dissing aggrophobia having suffered from it myself) just take some time out - ignore them. If you want a new man then go ahead and find one - my bet is you will come to enjoy time on your own, independence, free from the ties of commitment. Take some paper and pens and write to your boys/grandchildren of your life and loves and interests. The great grandchildren will love you for it.

Falconbird I am well impressed, you have done so much yourself, and provided such practical and financial help to your family.
When I went through a period of divorce/selling a house/ buying another house, I was superwoman, did the lot no bother. Once it was all sorted and I was into my new home, all paid for...... the air went out of me.
You probably have been so busy there has been no real time for you. Now you've time to think.
It's a pity if your agoraphobia keeps you from doing things you'd like to do. If I'm understanding correctly you are able to get out of the house to some extent.

I can't add to what has already been said except to say also, please be kind to yourself. Treat yourself.
And although our offspring don't always be as supportive as we'd hope for I agree that often it's because they believe we are really strong, and we are doing ok !

The suggestion of writing to your grandchildren sounds wonderful. Just a private journal with little gems of interest, when you were their age, when their parents were their age. How you felt about your parents when you were their age.

I did a letter to my dgs as a baby and can't even remember what I wrote in it. Something along the lines of I wished him a happy life and he would always be loved. I gave it to my son to give to dgs at some stage, probably when I pop my clogs.

I am sure your family love you to bits. You sound wonderful.

Oh thanks everyone

Yes I agree Coolgran. I think the air has gone out of me now my finances etc., are settled. I have to out and about locally and that's fine but as yet I can't contemplate leaving the city. I chose to live where I am now because it's fairly near the city centre, has nice parks and shops close by.

I love to write so I will take up the idea of writing about my family for the grandchildren. I have made a photograph album for two of them with photos in of them from new borns through to two years old.

The third grandchild belongs to my youngest son and his wife who I see very infrequently because of the fall out after my DH's death and I'm still working on trying to reconcile this son with his brothers.

These posts have helped me clarify things in my mind and thanks for reminding me that my name is Falconbird and yes I can fly.

I think I'm still in shock because in two years and two months my position changed from happily married woman living in a house to a widow living in a flat.

I love Grandsnet because within the family the Gran's opinions etc., are mostly ignored or see as old fashioned.

Here we can use all our experiences to help other Grans and Granddads.

Interestingly when I say to my kids, "I think I'm going ga ga" or something similar they quite like it, not in a nasty way but in a kind sort of way.

Reading all the responses I can see that my strength has taken away some of their own strengths as adults and maybe it's time to hand over the baton so to speak. "I've done my bit kids, now over to you." I'm off to do a bit of flying about."

Good on you Falconbird - enjoy the flight. We are so very good at being grounded it sometimes takes a huge gust of wind to take to the air - they will all benefit as well as you.