DIL is a challenge

jeanie, the most revealing phrase in your most recent post is '^trying to make suggestions for the many issues she had^'. Did she ask you to make suggestions? I would never dream of making suggestions to either of my DiLs, even if I thought they were making a mistake in the upbringing of my GC. If they ask my advice, I will give it, but tactfully. I have no wish to be an interfering MiL and I do have a great friendship with both DiLs.

Sorry, italics didn't work - probably too close to the quotation marks, I suppose.

Your last paragraph sums it up beautifully HildaW, and yes, I'm happy too!
We're allowed to be cross too, but I would never let them know it , and they know where I am if they need me!

A woman who becomes a MIL has to go for a small operation to put a zip in her mouth.
It usually works, on one or two the occasions when I have opened the zip even a little bit I have always regretted it.
That applies to DILs and SILs.

And DS's and DD's too!

You have mentioned that, in your opinion, your DIL 'has issues' and is 'complex' jeanie99. If that is how you feel, even more reason to scatter the eggshells and zip the mouth - even if asked for advice!
In my view, most people are complex and have some 'issues' (such a facile term imo), we would not be normal human beings with all the complexities that life brings us if we did not. We would be robots.

Most women are not Stepford Wives.
It is a very emotional time for your DIL and you have to give her some leeway.

DH and I also have zips...kept tightly fastened.

An Imaginary Scenario:

Three weeks ago I had our first baby. I'm not feeling so great at the moment, well, you can imagine can't you, hormones all over the place, trying to breast-feed, still feeling a bit sore. The baby keeps crying day and night and I'm not sure if he is getting enough, I am getting quite emotional about it all and not getting much sleep which doesn't help. DH has been great, but is sometimes a bit slow at responding - doesn't seem to realise that at the moment if I need something I need it now not in 10 minutes time! His parents called in to see us, the baby had been very fractious but MIL took him and managed to get him to sleep. She completely ignored me, didn't ask how I was feeling or coping, just concentrated on the baby (understandable, her new DGS) and talking to DH. When he woke up I fed him and he lay for a bit, quite contented, MIL continued talking to DH, she seemed to be ignoring me. I felt quite emotional (well, you know how it is when you're a new mum, trying to breastfeed and feeling teary) so I picked up the baby and took him into the bedroom. I didn't want to let her see me getting upset. I didn't come out until they had gone. She can be helpful but I know she doesn't really like me, I can't do anything right, and I just can't cope with it at the moment

Nicely put Rosequartz.

Yes, rosequartz, such a clever way to put the other side. Hope this helps the OP.

That is perfect Rosequartz.
Exactly how first time mom's feel.

Brought back memories of desperately wondering how I could even have a shower let alone get out the front door to go shopping!
I didn't even have DH around let alone anyone else.

As for feeling sore - unable to sit down comfortably and boobs that threatened to drop off, they expanded to unthinkable dimensions.......

Thank heavens no one told me what it could be like!

looplou - amazing how we forget such things as taking salt baths to heal the 'embroidery' down below - and the stiches feeling like sitting on barbed wire. Having only two NCT bras that fitted and having to wash both each day. Changing nappies after feeds only to have them filled 5 mins later.
One of the best functions my darling Mum performed was to time visitors and shoo them out after 10 minutes.
Also silently being envious of some Mums who seem to have it all sorted within a couple of weeks and feeling totally useless because I was still in a dressing gown at midday.

My dgd is 2 soon. I posted on gransnet when she was 6 months old and felt in exactly the same position as jeannie99. I allowed my negative thinking about my dil to take over my life and cause depression. The reasoning behind my thinking was driven by love for my son and in my eyes he was making a big mistake and I didn't want him to make it. Whether I am right or wrong, it doesn't matter. It is his choice and his life to live.
Fortunately, I managed to come to terms with the situation and realised I was the one that needed to change, NOT my dil. Gransnet was a big help to me then and I can honestly say listening to advice on here was the turning point for me. I am also fortunate that neither my son or dil had any idea of my struggles and our relationship is fine and of course I will be at my dgd 2nd birthday party and enjoying every minute.
I still have times when I worry but it is normal concern now and not all about him and how he should be treated. They will and do sort out their problems together and I am in the background if needed. I don't know if your dil is better or worse than mine jeannie99 but it doesn't matter, truly. Just get on with your own life, you deserve to. Your son will be fine. Sorry for the long post, but I can see where jeannie99 is coming from I think.

My MiL made it clear I wasn't good enough for her DS. I used to dread her visits. She is 95 now and is always moaning about how lonely she is. She has spoilt many a family occasion. And got invited to fewer and fewer of them.

shazzy69, what a lovely brave honest post.
Anyone with any degree of psychological insight will say that NO one can change another person, the only person you can change is yourself. Its something we forget from time to time. Sometimes we just have to take control of ourselves and work a lot harder to make a relationship work

Hand on heart my SIL was not the man I would have chosen but I just taught myself to see him through my daughter's eyes and to see past my prejudices. Now all I see is a devoted husband and father who lives for the little family they have worked so hard to build. Having come from a deeply dysfunctional family, its a delight to watch.

Shazzy69; your post will ring true with many of us. You have highlighted one of the positive aspects of GN. We can learn from others experiences and not make the same mistakes.

As Hildaw points out; we are the only people we can change. x

shazzy69 that is a very thoughtful post, full of brave insight.
We can't choose for them (well, in the majority of families).
However, it is their lives not ours.
I so wish that DD's MIL could take a step back and look at her attitude with more insight like you. She tries to make DD's life hell from even before they were married, but would consider herself a very supportive, caring mother to her DC.

I am not sure I agree with some of the posts and my experience with my DS and DiL must be very "different".

After my DGC were born my DS and DiL couldn't wait for us to visit so they could show us our new DGC. She was happy for us to stay as long as we liked. DiL asked me to feed , change a nappy (DGD was less than a day old). We took photographs. No hiding in the bedroom here. I made dinner and left them to enjoy it. Happy days. I have seen my DGC several times a week, every week since the day they were born. From being only weeks old they have all "slept over" with grandad and I. DiL has never once questioned my ability to look after her children.

We are a close family. We look after each other. From the youngest to the oldest.

Well, so is ours, gillybob. I am fortunate that DIL is a lovely girl and we are close to her DM and extended family as well.
But my DD is also a lovely girl (not just my opinion), popular, hardworking and a great wife and mother. It is her MIL who has what some people would term 'issues'.

Shazzy what a lovely post

My Mil made it clear from day 1 she didn't like me. She told my DH (the boyfriend) that she didn't want 'that slag' staying under her roof just loud enough for me to hear...when i fell pregnant early on in the relationship she couldn't get any further up my are if she tried. Of course the damage was already done and she never apologised.

She was under the impression she could act how she wanted, talk how she wanted and behave how she wanted because she was DH's mother and we just had to lump it. Until HE got sick of it.

We haven't seen her now coming up to 2 years!
It's such a shame. She is missing out on everything because of how she acted. She really doesn't like me and I've done nothing to her apart from marry her son and have a family. She treated me like an incubater for her grandchildren, I was just a vessel.

I was that awkward, hormonal first time mom with PND, I'd ring my husband at work after paternity leave just sobbing cause I didn't know what to do and everyone made it look so easy. MIL moaned she didn't see DD enough (3 times a week) and we needed to make more of an effort and we was being selfish.

I cannot stress enough, just cut her some slack, I honestly can't see what she done that's wrong.

gilly - I too have good relationships with my SILs. I do think that my OH and I can take some credit for that, because we always kept our counsel and just went out of our way to be as supportive as possible.

Shazzy69 has summed it all up very well and I do hope that jeannie can find a way of learning from that.

We have to respect our children's choices of partner, unless of course some frank abuse is taking place. And once the children come along it is even more important to send out good vibes and be supportive.

Quite simply we cannot choose who they decide to partner up with; but we can choose what we do.

If you want to have a good relationship with your GC, you have to start with their parents - treat them well, and they will treat you well and share the joy of their children with you.

Maybe some counselling might help you Jeannie - get it of your chest in a safe place and receive advice as to how to proceed to achieve the result that you hope for.

My DD's in-laws are lovely people, and my DD is lucky to have them. But even they over-stepped the mark when DGS was born - illustrating, I think, that even nice, well-meaning people can get it wrong.

DD had a really difficult and long labour, followed by a section, and she was in physical and emotional bits. The in-laws came to the hospital on day 3 and stayed for more than 2 and a half hours....far, far too long. Poor DD was struggling to bf, struggling with drips, struggling to the loo, struggling to keep in the tears (she was ok weeping with me, but it's different with your in-laws). In the end, I had to take SIL to one side, and get him to boot them out.

Now, they might have thought 'how rude' though if they did, they did not show it.

It was several weeks before DD was able to cope with visitors who stayed more than 30 mins. It's hard holding it together in front of others. It is better with your own mum, usually.

I wonder if jeanie's DIL was just sick of visitors and wanted to be on her own with her baby? The baby may well have needed feeding, and it seems unkind to think of this as a 'complete lie'. Many mums don't want to leave feeding until the baby actually cries, but respond to earlier feeding cues. Whatever - the mum has a right to think what she thinks!

Elena I think your post only highlights that when it comes to grandparents somehow the maternal grandma often seems to feel that she has more "right" to "help" or hang around than the paternal grandparents.

I am so glad my DS has never been "taken to one side" and told to "boot me out" . How nasty.

I'm sure jeanie has her reasons for her negative feelings towards her dil as I had mine, rightly or wrongly. But in the end, none of it matters. He loves her, you love him and that means, at the very least, giving her the respect she deserves. In doing this, we may also come to see why he loves her.