DIL is a challenge

Oh for goodness sake, gillybob. It wasn't nasty at all. I quietly asked my Sil if he could quietly suggest to his parents that after two and a half hours they could let dd rest, and come back tomorrow. And he did this nicely and without embarrassment.

And they left graciously and without embarrassment. They wanted to be with their new grandchild and just did not see the effect on the baby's mother!

We were all in about three square metres of space behind curtains. It was too hot and crowded. They needed to go!

There's no jealousy or territorial fighting here. But daughters do feel closer to mothers after birth and less self conscious about crying, leaking body fluids, and feeling awkward and new about motherhood. I think that's natural.

I think that there is truth in the idea that often new mums feel more comfortable with their own mums when it comes to letting go, breast feeding, discussing stitches etc. I can see what elena is getting at, but have to say I would have demonstrated the need to leave DD in peace by leaving myself and saying that you realise it is time for DD and her OH to have some quiet time on their own and hoping in-laws got the hint.

I was very careful not to overstay our welcome when new babes were born - to the point that DD asked me not to go with the latest arrival when I was beating a tactful retreat! New babies are such an attraction it is hard to tear oneself away, but it is necessary.

I hope that Jeannie is finding a way of dealing with her situation and establishing good relationships with this new family.

The difference is, the maternal grandma is their for her child, her daughter has just had hours and hours of pain then had to cut open. She is leaking blood, leaking milk, hormonal, emotional and everything hurts. As a mother you're watching your baby go through that. She is there for her daughter, not just the grandchild.
When you're feeling that low, you just want your mom.

If the man went through it, he would want his mom to look after and help him.

I was there for her, that's right . The pils were there for the grandchild, primarily. Nothing wrong with that.

There's a female solidarity too, which means a mil might be ok on her own! My dd would not have wanted her own dad to stay two and a half hours either. The pils came as a pair. Who wants their father in law around when you are a tearful wreck and physically low and uncomfortable because of stitches, nipples and all the rest of the down below stuff?

I wonder now if this was an element of jeanie's situation?

Mishap, believe me when I say I checked all the time my dd wanted me with her. She absolutely did. Leaving her and hoping the pils would take the hint and go themselves was a real risk. They were set for the rest of the day! She needed me to arrange their departure - and it's something we laugh about now, because as I say, the pils are very nice people and just found their excitement about the baby blinded them!

Well your tone sounded very nasty to me elena and I was only quoting the words you used to the father of the baby's parents. It takes 2 to make a baby . The fathers parents will have exactly the same feelings as you.

Thank goodness I have my lovely DiL that's all I can say.

Gillybob, you can't hear tone well on forums! I did not mean to be taken so literally. My Sil did not really boot them out - my words were said tongue in cheek.

My point was that while the pils love their grandchild in exactly the same way as I and my husband do, they don't have the same relationship with my daughter. I was with my daughter because she needed me. They came to see the new baby. I was sensitive to her overriding need for calm and quiet. They were less so.

Perhaps they love their son just as much as you love your daughter though elena, and want to share in his happiness. Of course the new mother has to take precedence as she is the one who has been through the birth, but I take exception to the idea that the parents of the new father are only there to see their new grandchild. They also want to support their son and of course his partner at such a wonderful time. I would sincerely hope I wouldn't outstay my welcome whether the maternal or paternal grandmother, but if I did, I would hope that the new parents could ask me politely to leave, without any prompting by the other grandmother. Not her place!

well said night owl.

Exactly nightowl. Reading some of these posts I still count myself extremely fortunate to have my DiL and her parents who do treat me as equals and not some irritating woman who happens to be the fathers mum, who overstays her welcome, occasionally needing to be " booted out" .

But it might not be a wonderful time for her.
Some women might not be comfortable to say 'MIL, I've just bled through my last pair of clean pants and I really need a wee but it stings so bad cause of my stitches' while trying to hold in tears with a house full of people.

Some women sail through it, some women don't. Some women are happy to show off their babies to the world 3 hours after birth, some might want to cry alone in the bathroom. Not one woman in the same.

Not the best phrasing to use, "to boot them out". Seems indicative of something. Not sure what of course.

To me it sounds like maternal grandma thinks she is "top dog" and has every right to be there, however the paternal grandparents should only pop in (if invited) have a quick look and get the hell out, or else they will be booted out ! Charming eh?

Could be wrong though. I am a mother of a daughter and a son for the record.

I think it would have been better for both pair of parents to have left after such a long time. The dad should have been enough to support mum.

I do think both sets of grandparents should be 'equal' and have a lovley close relationship with their grandchild.

I gave birth just over a year ago and I remember everything. The after effects from the drugs, the exhaustion, the stitches, the bleeding, the hormal drop, the crying and the contractions of your womb shrinking down to normal size. It was horrendous!

My mom stayed a while after I was home and kept popping in with pads, bigger bras, anousol (oh yes!) she came with food and went away with washing.
My in laws came down for about an hour and went home.

As sad as it is to say, while I love my DH more than anything there are certain 'woman' things I just wanted my mom for and he was happy with that.

As soon as I started feeling better, obviously everyone was welcome. It wasn't about my mom getting dibs on my DD it was about my recovery.

Yes, you are wrong, gillybob .

My use of 'booted out' indicated nothing more than a tendency to use a colourful phrase, jinglbellfrocks.

It's amazing how my recounting of an incident in a few words has allowed people to ' diagnose' my desire to be 'top dog' (!!!), to think the in-laws should only come when invited for a short time, and to say that the dad should have been enough, and that I should have disappeared as well Talk about making 2 and 2 add up to 5

My SIL was very upset as well, and had had no sleep at all for 2 nights. He's a great guy but on this occasion was just not alert to dd's growing stress and pressure as the visit.

My DH was not there, BTW.

My dd's in-laws have become our friends, and we get along very well. On that occasion, they were blind to what was happening - they'd travelled 450 mls to see their first GC and were so excited.

My daughter was in pain, in serious emotional distress, and yes, needed the clean pants and the personal stuff, and help going to the loo and all that sort of stuff.

Jeez....this is getting daft! I was there. I know my DD. She was absolutely fine about what I did. None of you were there, and you don't know us I am a non-interfering mother and MIL and grandmother, but I do know when to do something that breaks the rules when needed.

Redheadedmommy, you describe my dd's postnatal period very well.

Perhaps your sil would have coped better with no other people around.

Gosh, what a great idea, jinglebellsfrocks - it's amazing how you make such a super suggestion, without really knowing us or the situation....

The fact was he wouldn't have coped better. You're just gonna have to believe me on that one! He was in bits.

Crikey. Hope he has recovered.

It took them both a little while, to be honest. I think a great deal of it was tiredness (dd was in hospital for induction, which failed, for three nights before the baby was finally born, and he was with her the whole time) plus the stress of seeing her in pain, followed by the acute fear when a section was done because of fetal distress.

I'm sorry it was so difficult elena and I don't want to 'diagnose' your family from your posts on here, but I do think if it was my son in that situation I would have wanted to be there for him, perhaps separately from his partner at that point, while her mum supported her. I don't mean taking him away altogether, just being around for him without getting in the way. I do think that although men haven't given birth, it's an intensely emotional experience for them and maybe they need some tlc as well at that time. Who better to provide that than his parents?

Every family is different, and every birth will be different. It just needs some love and sensitivity to all the different emotions that are going on. I would hate to think I had left my son to cope with all that on his own.

nightowl, I am not going to go into even more detail, but what you say did happen (his mother and father supporting him), just not on that particular occasion.

I'm glad about that elena. No need to say any more

elena, I read all your posts and just want to say...nothing you wrote sounded anything other than a loving parent doing the best she could in a complex situation. Your daughter needed her Mum and you could be there for her. The OP represents a completely different attitude and I'm sorry you have got caught up in this.

I find all this territorial stuff written about grandchildren, especially when they are newborns, very odd. Its a baby, the offspring of your children.....not something to be fought over or seek 'rights' over. Its all about building and maintaining relationships and, on a very simple level, love - the selfless giving stuff that asks for nothing in return.