Toxic people

So so hard for you Anya- but I'd say the same- and try just once more- just going there without being asked. It may end up with her throwing you out- but then you will always know you tried to the very end- and then, somehow, you will be able to go forth and know it was not of your making.

Really sad Anya for you and for her. I would give it a last go, but via the SW, as POGS said, and then what will be will be. As you are asking the question now you might feel, after she dies, that you should have tried again. The SW route would be less painful if you are rejected but you will have done your best.

My brothers and I didn't have contact for 6 years, due to Mum, but I spent 45 minutes chatting on the phone to one of them yesterday and I so regret letting mum come between us.

I think you are in for an emotional time.

Anya - you say that you don't know where she is, and even the Social Worker isn't allowed to talk to you.
You could write a letter and send it to the SW, to give to your sister if she agrees.

What an awful dilemma Anya. I really don't know what to say, just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are in this position.

anya

I've decided.

I still have her reply to the last letter I wrote, two years ago, offering help. It doesn't make pleasant reading. So writing another letter isn't something I could do.

Some of you will understand that.

But I will talk to the one person who has her mobile phone details and ask them to pass on a message from me. It will simply say that I'm at the end of the phone if she ever feels she needs to talk. And I'll ask them to include my phone number in case she's 'lost' it.

That way she knows the door is open, but it's up to her.

I really appreciate all your replies and they have helped me think this through.

Well done. It couldn't have been easy but now you must stick to your decision whatever happens. You have done the right thing.

My brother when he was dying didn't want to see or speak to me. He had distanced himself from family for a very long time. He wanted blood transfusions and was willing to talk but after he was told that they would no longer help he switched off again. It has been quite hard realising he didn't give a hoot about his original family.

Can you get her address and then send a card , to say you are thinking of her . Then it is her choice about making contact .

I think that you have made a good decision Anya - you have left the door open and it is now her choice.

I hope that making a decision will give you some peace - indecision is quite the worst scenario. You have done your absolute best and now can move on. Well done.

I echo the previous post x

Yes, I think you've made the right decision too, Anya. There really is no more you can do - even if you could get your sister's address it would be too intrusive to contact her by that means.

I hope you'll feel more at ease in your own mind now, it must be such a difficult time for you...

Terribly difficult for you Anya. I have a similar sister (although she is not ill). I have three sisters. Three of us are very close. My oldest sister has cut off ties with all of us and moved a distance away (the rest of us live near each other). We thought we all got along, until she wrote a dreadful letter to the three of us a few years ago accusing us of all sorts (including laughing at her) When I received the letter I rang her and asked what it was all about but she didn't want to know. She hated her in-laws and cut off all ties with them, now us. She fell out with neighbours when she lived around here, and neighbours where she is now. She stopped sending birthday/Christmas cards to our granddaughter who she supposedly loved. She now only has her husband. My DH was diagnosed with cancer last year, she didn't even pick up the phone or send a note (I heard that she knew about his illness). We all had a difficult childhood and hers was particularly awful, so I give her some sympathy. You can do no more than try.

That's so true. Making a decision feels like a huge weight has been lifted.

This is where GN really comes into its own.....

Well done for making a decision Anya. (((hugs)))

I have come late to this sad thread. Anya, why not think a little longer. You really have nothing to lose by making the other decision. She could be feeling really lonely and afraid. A straight-forward outpouring of love from you, nothing more, could perhaps ease things for her.

Sorry if I am talking out of turn.

This may be out of turn as well, but I would go with resolve and compassion, and leave with both, regardless of how the visit turns out.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you Anya

Tough times, anya. Such weighings up are emotionally draining. Whatever you decide, it will be what seems right at the time. You cannot do more.

I'm late to the thread as well Anya. Your reference to the letter from your sister emphasised how hard this has been for you. Alcoholism is a horrible thing for the drinker but the impact on those who love them is easy to under estimate.

The decision you've reached sounds the best you can do.

Anya

A decision made is half the battle won.

I sincerely hope you get this resolved amicably but don't forget some of us have tried to say try hard not to allow the obviously emotional side of your problem drag you into any sort of self recrimination , so so easy to happen.

May I just add I hope your sister is as comfortable as allows , a wish I am sure you want for her too.

Take care Anya

Right decision I think Anya. I don't see my sister either, it was always difficult and eventually I realised that I reminded her too much of the childhood she would rather forget (I don't blame her).

I have only just come to this thread and have read with interest peoples suggestions. I think you have made the only decision you could have given your sisters wishes. I wish you all the best in these difficult times.

Have you thought of sending a short note c/o her social worker?
If nothing happens after that, at least you have tried one last time.

Sorry, I had missed your post about sending the message via family.

Dear Anya

My heart bleeds for you as you are in the same position as my younger daughter (S) is with her older sister (J). I, as Mum, am stuck in the middle and, after relentless searching, have not found an answer.

Their personalities are at opposite ends of the spectrum and, as such, cannot understand the others take. S has healthy life, partner, children, home, job etc whilst J descended into a miserable life of anxiety, depression, mania, drugs and drink. Awfully unhappy and inappropriate relationships which made her family recoil in shock. We have watched with mounting horror as she lurches from one disaster to another and S finally said she could not cope emotionally with anymore and cut all ties. She has young children to protect and I understand completely but at the same time my heart is in shreds at the sight of my two darling girls at war with each other.

All I can do is pray for a miracle. They must find there own ways forward while I continue to support them both in different ways. I know S feels terribly guilty about her decision and I know J misses her sister terribly but can't seem to pull herself up out of the pit of despair where she lives.

I think, what I am trying to say Anya, is that some people end up lonely and alone almost without realising they have brought it on themselves. Then they get angry and feel like horrible failures but their egos will not let them say sorry or ask for help. I think they are week as it takes huge strength of character to admit wrong doing. Four months ago J took an overdose and the family were called to the intensive care dept. S came too shaking with fear and guilt. J survived and was pleased that S was at the bedside but 4 months on J has reverted back to type and S is just completely bewildered and doesn't know what to do.

Sorry to ramble but I am piggy in the middle and worn out with it. Thank God for my two adorable innocent little grandchildren.