Bad marriages

I left my first husband at age 44yrs we had 3 children. I was so unhappy and was crying every day. It was a very bitter separation, (no one else involved). I went to stay with my brother and his wife. He would never have left our marital home.
I re-married about 2 years later and he re-married as well. It was 6 years ago that his 2nd wife died and he is now a very good friend with me again and my 2nd husband. I had to go at that time, it was a very hard decision. If you can work out where you can stay and support yourself you must do it. Life is too short to live it unhappily. No-one is going to give a dam when you are dead whether you were happy or not because it will be too late.

If it's difficult for you when your partner is well, it will be much worse if he is ill. I felt some years back that my marriage was not happy, or fulfilling. However, I wasn't brave enough to walk away. A few years ago, when we were just sixty, he was diagnosed with a progressive neurological condition. Living with the illness, which has changed his personality, is very difficult. I couldn't leave now, and feel it is a life sentence. I don't think that I'm even the best person to care for him, as when the love and respect are missing, it is harder to be patient and tolerant, which means that he is missing out, sadly.

I feel for everyone who think they can't leave but am so glad that I did. I am so much happier on my own and left at 60 after not being happy for a long time but things got so bad I really couldn't stay I couldn't stand it. There is life afterwards sometimes much better than you had before

Silverscarlett, I do very much admire you but alas admiration cannot give back the life you sacrificed.
I have been married to a bi-polar man for 35 years, which was incredibly trying. Four years after he had died of heart problems, I met what I thought was a lovely and highly intelligent man with whom I could enjoy the rest of my life but he soon metamorphosed into an Asperger person, which is far more challenging than bi-polarity can ever be. I am still trying, five years later, to make sense of his irrational mind but don't want to leave him to his own devices as he truly suffers knowing that his brain is wired differently from neurotypical people.
It's really tough when you are caught between your own needs and those of a partner.

I was so sorry Yogadatti to hear of your situation, one that I share, apart from not being ill (touch wood) and being three years older than you. Your husband sounds so much like mine that it could be the same person (heaven forbid!) We should never have married either (I think I was attracted to his confidence, something I lacked, but it was not a good basis for a marriage). However, it was hard to admit to such a mistake and I got the feeling from my mother that she knew there were problems (my husband caused me a lot of pain over the years with his affairs which he made clear he never felt the least bit sorry about) but her attitude was that 'you made your bed, now you must lie in it.' I was 1000s of miles away from home anyway so there was no point causing my family worry when I was having tough times.

My husband is not a monster (like yours, he is charming to people outside the family) and I am comfortable financially. I wish I had had the courage and personal resources to leave him years ago (he won't leave) but there always seemed a good reason not to and so I just stayed put. I have two lovely children and a grandson.

Others have given you excellent advice and you must choose what suits you. I know now that there is no easy answer or one that is right for everyone in our situation. I started getting interested in meditation a few years ago and also do a Pilates class and walks. I've extended my friends network (met some great women on a writing course) and now go out a lot to lunch, theatre, weekends away, often with friends who are single (I still feel lonely when with friends with partners that they share a lot with if they keep going on about how great it is!) I feel so much happier and positive than I did a few years ago. I may still be sharing a house with my husband but I know longer try to change our relationship into anything other than what it is and I haven't fancied him for years. He does his thing (retired but busy all the time with an organisation he started) while I do mine. My next hurdle is to either find someone to go on holiday with or go on my own. And maybe some day yet I'll still have the courage to leave but I realise time is not on my side as one of us could get ill and then it would be almost impossible to leave.

Anyway Yogadatti I wish I could give you a big hug and hope that sharing your predicament with such kindly women has made you feel that you have a whole load of understanding friends who are wishing you well.

A heartfelt post Cangran

silverscarlett and Grannybuy your stories are heart rending. how cruel fate can be.

Marriage is a blessing to some,a tragedy to others and a great uncertainty to all (D.Lloyd George)