I'm 71, should I get divorced, or stick it out?

I think I would have to ask, if you were in trouble, or very ill, would he be there for you, as you have been for him?

Does he have anyone else, any other family members, who would keep a bit of an eye on him? Or would you feel monumentally guilty for having left? So bad that you would feel you had to return? I have had a couple of friends who have ended up helping to care for alcoholic ex-husbands at the ends of their lives, even though they had new (and rather aggrieved) partners!

It sounds to me as if you need a good long break away from him to think it out clearly. How you could achieve that I don't know, but I think you must somehow.

Do not apologise. I do hope that your appointment with the solicitor will help to clear your mind a bit.

The phrase "I love him dearly" is something worth hanging on to - and the issue of a lonely old age are very important things to consider, as I am sure you know.

This is going to sound harsh - but someone once said to a friend of mine "How do you think you would feel if he died tomorrow?" - the friend in question found that a very good way of concentrating her mind.

Would he go to Relate? - does he know how near to the end of your tether you are? Does he realise that he might lose you? Might that realisation encourage him to go to Relate?

Perhaps you should go away for a week and tell him that you need a break from the things that have been happening - and list them. It would give you both a chance to think a bit.

What other support do you have from friends/family? A real dilemma for you but I agree with Janer.

I hadn't seen Lucky's post and I agree with what she says.

I'm 71, fit, active and fairly attractive

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

Lucky you!!

I suppose riverwalk OP meant she could make a new life for herself if she left him.

It sounds an unsustainable situation OP; I hope that the solicitor gives you the advice you need to decide what options you have.

A family friend is in a very similar situation but won't leave because her husband holds all the finances (goodness knows how that ever came about) so she feels effectively trapped.

Would your family support you and/or him?
Would a period of time apart clarify the next step?
I wish you luck.

ann you don't have to be attractive to make a new life!

corasanto ... I can imagine that you are in turmoil. I think if I were you I would jump ship. And then perhaps if he realises you are serious that things have to change you could renegotiate the relationship on your terms. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees from inside a relationship.

I think I was referring to the fit and active part of her post. However being attractive does no harm.

... too right!

I think your appointment with the solicitor will help. Hearing yourself say out loud the you are considering a divorce is a big step forward. Without meaning to diminish your situation it is a bit like tossing a coin - it doesn't really give you the answer but you know whether you want or don't want what it suggests.

The challenge with a relationship where you maintain the balance with the rest of the world is that when you start to withdrawer that balancing the relief is so very great. It will be difficult to go back and be the social support again although, if you want to be in the relationship, I doubt that will change.

withdraw - I seem to have been carried away.

Thank you for your responses already. To set the record straight, we have no children,tho he has two from his previous marriage. Our main support system of friends are the very ones he has alienated by his behaviour, and it simply would be a step too far to expect help and support from that direction. They have all counselled me to leave him, and they simply will not have anything to do with him. So no pressure there!

Family, both mine and his, are extremely supportive of us both, they are very aware of his problems from way back.

Good sense from you all and I shall think very carefully upon next moves.

In solution-focused brief therapy people are recommended to ask themselves the miracle question: If you woke up tomorrow morning and a miracle had happened overnight and all your problems had been solved, how would you know? What would it look like? The therapist asks you to describe it in minute detail - e.g. where would you wake up, who would you be with, what would you say to the other person if present, what would they say to you, what would you have for breakfast and why.... as you answer these questions it helps you identify what exactly are the problems and whether there is anything, however small, you can do to move towards your goal - or in some cases identify that really, if the miracle happened, the other person would be out of your life.

I am always loathe to advise, however you have but one life - you should be enjoying it as much as is possible! If you feel you're not making the most of your life, well remember your future is in your hands, not his!!

I agree with paperose.
If you want to save it I would absolutely insist that he went to Relate with you and was made to see that his problems are of his own making and he needs to take responsibility for them.
If he isn't willing to do this is it worth saving?

carosanto It doesn't matter what we think. Only you can make the decision to stay or go. It is bound to be a hard decision – whatever you choose to do – and may well remain remain painful for a while. You have one life and part of being an adult is that you make choices – even or especially hard ones. Best wishes for your future, whatever future is your eventual option.

If he's never considered you in the past why would he now? Try to imagine what your life would look like if it was completely different and would that include him not being in it? I think it's difficult to be in relationship where someone thinks they are never wrong, I know from experience I've been in one. I dont have a right to tell you what to do but think carefully. All I know is I have been profoundly happier since I left my relationship and only wish I had done it much sooner. The solicitor will be able to explain your rights especially with regards to financial provision. I wish you luck.

My daughter was going to divorce her husband. He cried for days and said he would finally go to couples therapy with her. I'm happy to say things are working out.
Maybe that's what you need an ultimatum.
No one but you can decide what to do. Take away all the outside people in your life and ask yourself if you were just alone with him , with no outside interference from others, could you still be married to him?
We have to take both good and bad from our partners but when the good out ways the bad then there is a problem.
Would you be happier right now with or without him? You cannot worry about your old age and him caring for you.he could get sick and you would have to care for him. Or he could pass away and you would still be alone.
When I divorced when I was younger I decided that at least I had me and I was my own best friend.
Good luck!!

Are those friends who won't have anything more to do with your husband still your friends? If so, can you do things with them but without him?

Sorry you are in this rotten situation. Can you even say that he is 'the devil you know' if he does unpredictable things?
I suppose the question is would you rather be alone than subject to such antics? Only you can answer that and there is no right or wrong, just your happiness.
I understand why you mention being fit and attractive. When considering entering a new era in your life it is perfectly natural to tot up the positives you would take with you, and although not essential, they can't hurt!
Good luck (flowers)

Only you can decide what next to do.
Let him know you have been to see a solicitor, that should get him thinking and maybe he will realise that this time you mean it. Men are very good at burying their heads in the sand and need a good jolt to get them to listen and realise that this time you are deadly serious.
Can you take a break from him, maybe go away somewhere for a couple of weeks?. You can then focus on your marriage and whether or not you would be happier on your own.
Your life would be very different on your own but it could be very lonely!.
Lots of things to be considered least of all maybe having to sell your home.

Loads for you to think about.

Lots of good advice there for you to consider and I hope you decide the right way forward for you yourself and not have pressure put on you by your OH,you could look forward to another 25yrs of a life like this or 25yrs of peace and a standard of living and friendship you deserve from your friends and relatives so think carefully before you make your decision.