sad..

downtoearth, I can see that your OH has a hard time living with two very damaged individuals; and that you have a hard time reconciling the mutual distrust and dislike between the two people you love most of all; and that your DGD has all the woes of being a teenager and the baggage she carries from her early childhood onwards. I don't think I could imagine a more distressing scenario if I tried. I can see that it is appallingly wearing on all of you and not surprising that it appears to be reaching breaking point. What kind of help is available? Family therapy and/or relationship counselling would help if all three of you were agreeable to it. If I could give you that much-needed cuddle I would be there on your doorstep. Failing that, ((((hugs)))) from me and x x x x

downtoearth I'm so very sorry to read about your troubles. There's nothing I can add to what's been said but I just wanted to let you know that I'm holding you in my thoughts.

I sincerely hope that things improve for you.

Heavens dte - of course you need a cuddle - and here comes one, winging its way to you over the ether. Just hang on in there - you have weathered so much and you will weather this too. Stay talking to us please.

I think a combined, huge cuddle from everyone on grandsnet is called for. Stay strong.

downtoearth I can't add anything to what others have said but I am sending you a very big (((hug))).

Same from me!
Good to read such positive and thoughtful observations and suggestions here. All of you need peace, calm, love and time to gradually heal, thinking of you.

thank you so much for all your warmth and sincere comments they are so much appreciated the support and common sense replies are needed to help me deal with my jumbled confused thoughts..

update from today OH came home from work a bit more positive and we have talked yet again,this morning whilst he was out I googled symptons of depression in men..text book even to the out of character behaviour,we shared this by looking together and he feels relieved that I believe how he feels and he has documented symptons,the restlessness and the need to be out of the home.He has said it is in his nature to be the carer and at the moment he feels he is failing and he dosent like to me in such pain when he cannot help me as well as himself,he has assured me that no third party is involved and that he wants to stay with me...while he is out I am spending the evening with E who has been a trooper in comforting me,but notso happy that we are talking however we are having pizza and girly time to let her know she is equally treasured by me but on a more adult basis as some of her observations have been very observant and mature...his friend is polish and his girlfriend dosent speak english and he gets fedup keeping up translation and it would be uncomfortable he says, as I have suggested this already. I guess tomorrow is another day and I will try and take that as it comes

Sounding a bit more positive down

Nothing more I can add, but wish I was there to give you all big (((hugs)))

It sounds as though you are bravely girding up your loins and getting stuck in to look at ways forward. Well done you.

Both your DGD and your OH are receiving loud and clear the message that you love both of them, that but your needs are also in the equation - keep up the good work!

down I cant add anything to whats already been said, but feel you sound more positive in your later posts, please know we are all here for you and pm any of us if you need us, {{{hugs}}}

I am not sure if I am being taken for a mug GD and sons GF think I am.
He left to go to the cinema at 5,50 to travel to kings lynn to meet friend,he assured me he would ring me when he arrived ..he did at 6.30 ...I dont know which cinema he has gone to ...I wasnt given a straight answer....double bill apparently.....I realised I had left my bag in the car ,Itried to ring phone straight to voicemail...he said he would text when leaving to come home...it is now 01.30 ...phone still straight to voicemail..I am sitting in bed stomach in knots not knowing what to believe..wanting to believe the best of him but fearing the worst...how far does my supporting have to go if he is not working with me,surely if he is able to go out and have enjoyment his depression cannot be as bad that he has no respect in reassuring me of his whereabouts unless he has something to hide...he spent all night out tuesday,and has been out every weekend for the last month on another occasion until 12.45 with no satisfactory or provable answer..trust is important but I am finding it hard to be positive when so little regard for my feelings are taken into account,if he is well enough to be out enjoying himself surely he is able think of the effect of pushing his luck.I am just sitting unable to sleep or read stomach in knots mind racing unable to relax,just straining to hear the car ..just waiting... I am so lonely and confused I dont know what to think...this just feels so cruel and deliberate

I think he was more upbeat as he was going out,he appears this way before he goes it feels as though he cannot wait to get out maybe his depression is a case of guilt and he is hiding something..his behaviour is leading me to believe he is not being truthful and although I am trying to keep an open mind this makes me suspicious as it is starting to happen on a regular basis ...I have no way of contacting phone is switched off and no idea where he is ..this is killing me,I just dont know what to do or believe,this is like being on an emotional rollercoaster,and I am longing for peace of mind,when I was deeply depressed I still had regard for others

It may not be intentionally unkind, just immature. You've made huge efforts today and deserve to sleep well tonight. You had a good evening giving GD the love and attention she needs. You also, apparently, had a good open discussion with OH.
Try to relax, at least physically, if you can. I've found meditation can sometimes give me a distance from problems.
When he does return don't question him, stay calm and wait for him to tell you what happened to him. He may be feeling guilty so don't offer opportunities to row about his behaviours in the early morning.
Just a few quick thoughts, hope some might be helpful.Take care, thinking of you.

DTE, I don't think you can go on if you don't know where he is and he isn't prepared to tell you. This is doing no good for you in your anxiety and your present state. You will think the worst no matter what the situation and he owes it to you to be straightforward and honest with you. You have said money is an issue but he is still going out and the switched off phone is unfair to you. Some very plain speaking is needed but once again don't let others widen the wedge between the two of you.

I would echo what Ann says. This is very unfair on you and maybe a bit of space is called for so you can do some clear thinking. Another (((hug))) from me!

is there such a thing as a midlife crisis? He eventually came home at 2.45,showed me flat battery on phone.his phone is problematic since he dropped in a puddle ages ago when he was normal.
His friend is 27 with a non english speaking GF and they live the life of people of this age group late nights,clubs etc,his friend is reluctant to have me along it appears.
OH has always been bit of a loner and as he feels comfortable with this man has been seduced by the freedom,normally 42 year olds pop out for a few pints and home again I see no problem with that although OH dosent drink.
I needed to make him see when he came in I thought this was unacceptable as I am trying to give as much support and understanding to his needs,but has totally walked over mine,much tension and real arguments have been because of his own behaviour recently since his first outing with his friend a few weeks ago and it has escalated. If this was my GD I would describe this friend as a bad influence,I think he has a strong personality and OH feeling fragile goes along with it I have had these nights of sitting and waiting for my kids keys in the door when they did all this,I expected it with my GD in a few years .....not from my OH

Ask him to invite the friend and GF round to your place; see what happens. If it is all genuine, he should have no reason not to; and if they come it would be an opportunity for you to get to know them - and maybe even go out with them too.

The current limbo you are in is not acceptable to your well-being and peace of mind and you should tell him this.

I am beginning to dread his phonecall from work in his teabreak it starts with a pleasant enquiry how I am and I just know he is looking for a way to say Patryk has asked me if I want to do..so and so,I am his partner not his mother or keeper so feel unable to say no as this then puts the onus on me of being controlling,so I say that I am not happy with it which rubs him up the wrong way makes him angry especially as his friend then pressures him and keeps on at him to do whatever he has suggested this I believe is where the confusion and conflict lay with him which has then brought on this depression which was hovering about I wish he has never started this job and stayed as he was this was meant to be better for us but it has proved to be the worst move ever
There is now an atmosphere GD has asked what time he came in,and gave me the cynical look,he is still sleeping the sleep of the untroubled and I am still wracked with anxiety and still waiting to sleep and still unable to eat..

have done lucky friend wont come due to non English speaking GF he dosent want to feel uncomfortable because she wouldnt be able to speak and he gets frustrated at being her translator,have also suggested meeting at a local pub etc to play snooker or an activity where actions are needed and some sort of non verbal communication could take place,she has a circle of her own polish speaking people which allows him to have best of both worlds..but also OH has said that he dosent want it at this is his outlet that he wants....I have a support circle of concerned people around me so I am not needy just very puzzled,hurt,angry,sad,etc....can a relationship recover from this,I have been asked to let him work this out in his own way,but I cant knock down the wall and mend the fences all on my own,if he was able to read I would show him this thread as I have laid my self bare here in a way I am unable to in RL I am the stoic who people turn to in crisis,a problem solver my weakness have shocked my support network as they have never seen my show my weakness and crumble as I have

I do not want to be personal or put a damper on your relationship, but is the age gap between you starting to make a difference now. If he is immature and is mixing with people in their 20's it is unlikely that you will have much in common with them and there lies a problem.Does he mix with your friends of your age or have your problems stopped you making friends where you now live? I really feel for you, you are trapped in a situation not of your own making but arising from very difficult circumstances in your past.

This is a totally untenable situation for you down and this has a knock on effect on you GD. I would,again, suggest you have a break from each other and see what transpired. Tough I know but maybe things would become clearer for both of you. You don't need this stress to add to everything else.

I think you are reaching an important crossroads, downtoearth. Your GD knows how hurt and anxious you are and she is obviously anticipating a reaction that she will approve of.....namely, confronting your OH in a no-nonsense manner that will decide things one way or another. Kids, especially teenagers, don't like uncertainty. They don't know how to deal with it. Maybe she feels you are damaging your self respect by allowing his selfish behaviour to continue.

I'm sure other posters will disagree and I hope my take on this doesn't upset you because that's the last thing I would want to do but I know I would have run out of patience long ago and had it out with him.

I mentioned further up the thread that you should cherish your relationship with your OH even though your GD was putting a spanner in the works but it now seems as though you are so far on the back foot it's worth risking a break up in order to make your feelings clear.

It's a bit black and white now isn't it? He either wants to stay in the relationship or he doesn't. You owe it to yourself to find out what his intentions are.

it is possible that the age difference has arisen but I am young in my ways and he has always been and looked older,I have spoken openly about the age gap and he has always said this isnt an issue and we do speak frequently of it we dont have any social group as we have not been able to get into any groups etc he has always been happy this way this has been his choice as by nature I am the outgoing sociable one that likes to meet up with friends enjoy a drink and act daft I am the lively one.Physically I although not ravishing have kept myself well groomed and make the most of myself and wear clothes becoming to the age group that ranges from 40-70 that is inkeeping with appropriate fashions etc.I take an Interest in things and like to learn so am always looking for things to fit that,he actually feels more at home and comfortable with older people he has always had older friends Girl friends etc and loves nothing more than to stay in his comfort zone of old clothes and work clothes.

I've come late to this thread down.

You've suffered terrible pain in the past and though, as you say, you have still to mourn your DD you have been so strong and kept everything together for your DGD.

Now you are at faced with more problems. Teenagers are difficult enough without having the added issue of her mother's suicide to accept. And I understand your wish to hold on to your OH. I think you only have two options - to ride out this rough patch together as best you can and see where it all ends up or to choose one person you love over the other.

It's not going to be easy no matter what you decide, but you've been through worse and survived.