Daughter-in-Law possible breakdown - what to do

If a mil loses her rag with a dil once in 18 months, or indeed maybe a whole lot longer time than that, then I would very much expect a dil to be able to forgive that. Especially as the op has said sorry many times.

Personally I think this sil is asking for his mums help because of medical reasons.
Everyone surely wants a healthy good wife and mother.

It is turning your back, if your son asks for advice many times, and you either give none, or try to avoid the subject.

No, but what you can say is that it is not appropriate for you and he to be talking about her behind her back and that perhaps he needs to seek professional advice.

For a MIL to lose her rag with her DIL is a recipe for disaster and unthinkable.

I can't imagine any scenario which would lead me to shout at anyone in public ! If someone did so at me I would find it impossible to ever speak to them again . Methinks the lady doth protest too much

[Shaking head] emoticon. "Helicopter parenting" clearly does not always stop when they leave university
I think you are blowing this out of all proportion. When you ask if son is asking from a medical point of view, is OP medically qualified to advise?

BTW in the 30 years before her death in 2000, my MIL never once "lost her rag" with me in public or otherwise, nor did she ever presume to interfere.

No, but what you can say is that it is not appropriate for you and he to be talking about her behind her back

In all families that I know, of course a mum and son talk about the wife. And a mum and daughter about the son. It is called normal family communication.

that perhaps he needs to seek professional advice.

I agree with that.

I can't imagine any scenario which would lead me to shout at anyone in public

I have never done that wither, or anywhere close, but I do recognise that everyone is human, and has breaking points themselves for whatever reason.

For a MIL to lose her rag with her DIL is a recipe for disaster and unthinkable

I should imagine it is quite normal for that sometimes to happen. And I would very much hope that a dil would forgive and have a normal relationship once again with her mil.

I think posters are being much to harsh on fluttHERBY123.

It depends on circumstances and personalities. I can't think of anyone I know who would have a public row even with drink involved . I also think I have a wide variety of friends and acquaintances and still can't think of anyone who would have a row

The problem here is that my son several times has asked us what we think of Wife. We say she is good company but we sometimes wonder why she does things. She is a good wife and mother. When we are together with the 2 of them we see a bit of a strain sometimes

You interpret that as a cry for help, * soontobe*?? Sounds more like DS has realised his DW and her MIL are not hitting it off. Maybe he is tactfully trying to hint OP needs to look at her attitude? I fear you are in danger of escalating this soon?

And maybe the bit of a strain is only the case when the in laws are with them?

TBH I think OP and soon both need to back off before things are said which should remain unsaid.

It is not being harsh - it is trying to guide her away from worsening what is already a very difficult and fraught situation by colluding with her son behind the DIL's back. I think all the posters here have that aim in mind.

My DDs talk to me about their OH's - of course they do. But those conversations are about How is he? - what's he been up to? What to get im for Christmas? etc.

The problem here is that my son several times has asked us what we think of Wife

I am wondering if she is really in a bad way and he wants us to confirm it to him. I am hesitant to do so. I know something about depression and it would seem she is depressed and heading for a crisis - there are other pointers i can't put here. So wondering what to do, if anything

It is these bits and subject heading that mean I dont think that the op is right to say and do nothing.

What is the point Luckygirl of asking "How is he?" and you find out that he may not be at all well, and you go, "oh well".

No, you don't go "Oh well." You explain that you are not the right person to be discussing this with and suggest the proper avenues of help. - i.e. you are supportive and suggest ways of helping, but you are not colluding in discussing her behind her back. You explain that if you get involved too much in this then you will not be able to support her or them, as DIL is likely to feel aggrieved about being the subject of discussion between her OH and her MIL, and cut off communication.

soontobe You said "It sounds to me like the sil has genuine concerns about his wife, and is seeking some answers of some sort or another."

For any of the parties in a situation like that is to keep ones mouth firmly buttoned unless you are very specifically asked to help by your relative.

soontobe its good to hear you are so perfect.

What is needed is to bolster the son's feelings of being a grown adult who can take the right steps. And it is vital that any conversation fosters strengthening their marital relationship, as two adults, rather than "interfering." This lass has already been shouted at by her MIL (who I am sure feels bad about this) - the last thing she needs is OH and MIL talking about her out of her presence.

The DiL is entitled to feel unhappy if her husband and his mother are talking about her behind her back. How disloyal! The son 'belongs' to the wife now not his mother - he has a whole new family with whole new responsibilities and should only be involving his parents in the direst of circumstances.

And, as for shouting at a DiL in public and then making 'profuse' (but not sincere) apologies - words fail me.

Nelliemoser. Why I sound perfect I have no idea.

I dont agree with the last 3 posts though.

In families I know, it is social and communal. People help and support other people. And yes offer advice. Which can be used or not. Up to the individual.

A quick glance at the "Cut out of their lives" thread or "Estranged grandparents" should make it all clear - this is what the OP needs to avoid.

This is quite appalling - it feels like one of the the worst DiL / Mil scenarios.

As a MiL, or rather, a mother of a grown up, married son, it is one's responsibility not to take sides, but to gently guide one's son towards sorting things out for himself, not to come running to mummy for advice. Support, yes, but of the empowering kind, helping him to deal with it himself, not "mummy knows best."

And as for shouting at someone in public, well, that is unforgivable. If the OP wants a happy family, there is work to be done. Like - step back, shut up, and let you son grow up.

Good succinct advice Ariadne!

Step back, shut up and let your sons -and daughters - grow up is great advice in many situations!

Soontobe I do not think that anybody, family member or not, should come between a couple. Old fashioned I may be, but you will be familiar with the words of the Marriage Service, the ones about "no man (or MIL) shall put asunder" Offering advice where it is inappropriate is not only tactless, but also potentially destructive.
I am surprised you find that sort of like interference "normal" among your friends and family. Do they also "lose their rag" in public with their in-laws?? If so, we inhabit a very different world and one from which I am happy to be distant.
The caricature of the "Jewish Momma", and the "Italian Momma" are well enough known and while I have no doubt that they love their children, do you want to go there???
You seem to be in a minority of one on this topic which says something in itself.

No they dont lose their rag.

Offering advice where it is inappropriate
Giving advice to your own son who asks for it, is not inappropriate.

To lose control to the extent of shouting at the DiL in public, suggests that the OP could be the one with the problem, if I may say so.

HE DIDN'T ASK FOR ADVICE
(shouty capitals)
he asked "what OP thinks of Wife".
That doesn't constitute asking for advice, asking if his wife is suffering from depression, or even asking if she is fed up to here of an interfering MIL who had the appalling lapse of manners to shout her out in public.

OP is wondering (and God knows why) if her DIL is heading for a breakdown. I fear is she doesn't back off, the breakdown will be of the marital sort.

No Soontobe, stop stirring. You should not be encouraging OP to discuss her DIL behind her back, YOU sHould not be ascribing psychological elements about which you have no experience.

*HE DIDN'T ASK FOR ADVICE
(shouty capitals)
he asked "what OP thinks of Wife".
That doesn't constitute asking for advice, asking if his wife is suffering from depression, or even asking if she is fed up to here of an interfering MIL who had the appalling lapse of manners to shout her out in public.*

I thought he was asking for advice about her possible breakdown/depression.
That is totally different if he is not asking that, and only asking what he thinks of wife. Totally different. And no, not a good idea to go there much or any at all.

Then read the original post.