Angry Daughter

A bit of good news, my daughters partner is visiting his parents soon and taking the children. As they live about 30ish miles away he is bringing them here to. Though no mention if my daughter will be with him.

I have told my son that it's my choice not to go for Christmas. And I am still waiting for a reply to that.

But nothing is going to dampen my joy of seeing my little ones for a few hours soon. I treasure these visits far more than Christmas Day.

She may be your daughter but this does not give her the right to speak aggressively to you. If she loves you she will make amends. If I was you I would leave her well alone. She will be back. As for you, life is too short to be made miserable by others. Go out, have fun, be with people that make you laugh. Definitely box this problem up and do not open the lid on it. All problems come to an end. You see, she will come back with her tail between her legs, feeling guilty eventually. I can tell you all this because I also have been through it with my son and like you my DH (his step father) intervened and made the situation worse.

notyetagran - I think you are a seriously good egg. When my father behaved appallingly (got a much younger woman pregnant and left home with no explanantion to us) my sister and I had no contact with him at all. When I married and had my own children I then re-established contact with him but not long after that he got cancer and died. I regret those missed years - he was a weak man, had had a dreadful upbringing, about which I knew nothing, but he was not a bad man. I hope 321's daughter does not live to regret her actions in later years. As her own children grow up she may well come to realise that parenting is not an exact science. We do our best and sometimes that is not good enough. I am so lucky to have had a wonderful mother who battled on alone, without complaint. I emphatically agree with those who say that 321's children need to grow up and ditch the 'poor little me' syndrome. It is not a healthy attitude to hang on to.

Glad you liked my suggestions, 321. And glad you were assertive with your son about your choices. Good for you! Hope you let us know if and how he replies.

Someone said your D may actually be somewhat like her father. I was thinking something like that, too. In fact, is it possible that she got the idea, somewhere along the way, after watching the dynamics between you and her dad, that it's ok to lash out at you/someone? That it's ok to dish out verbal abuse if you (general) are hurting/not feeling your best? Is that why she claims you (personal) play the victim when you walk out or whatever? Could it be that she only sees her pain and can't see yours or doesn't think it matters if she wounds you?

Anyhow, happy to hear the good news! Hurray! I trust you know enough not to badmouth your D to her guy b/c that may just make things uncomfortable and the kids may overhear. Enjoy your GC and your Christmas!

Well here we are again, had the grandchildren visit today,we are shattered, but in a nice way. Have kept clear of daughter,and when she rang on Monday to check we would still be here for the children, the conversation was short but pleasant.
The son on the other hand, has decided to be just about as hurtful as he could make it..no details here, but he is the victim, hurt by his father, damaged by my non action in the past. I don't know whether to be cross or sorry he can't put this in the past. He's had a full year of counselling which seems to have made him more angry at me then anything else.
Anyway, I am soooooo fed up of all of this, their father gets none of this because he just doesn't care.
I really feel like throwing my hands up and saying.... Go ahead blame me for everything, yes I was a terrible parent for allowing an alcoholic to be your father, I'll say anything for this just to stop, to stop the arguments stop the anger and just let me move out of this mans shadow once and for all.

I wish you all happy holidays

So glad you had a lovely time with the children and that your daughter's partner is maintaining contact with you.
As you and your children seem to be hurting so much I do wonder if it would be helpful to all have family counselling and if you have ever had any counselling yourself?
And just a thought that may or may not be worth considering:
Perhaps a simple statement to your children is needed that,
"clearly you have no idea what I have been through and what I had to do to protect you. When you are ready to hear as one adult to another then let me know. Until then stop attacking me as I am not the perpetrator of the situation we were all flung into"
and then leave it well alone and give them plenty of thinking time.
If and when there is an indication that there is to be an adult conversation then make sure it is in a counselling environment with a professional in charge. In this situation you are not their "mummy" any more and they are no longer children, you are all adults and should all have moved on from those days.
Enjoy the good relationships you have and minimise the rest.

Totally agree with Notyetagran. For some reason some children seem to think that as their mother, we have the answer to everything and should have always done absolutely the right thing. Life isn't like that, such as her outburst at you, making the children frightened. 99 per cent of all mothers love their children and want them to be happy. With hindsight we can all look back and focus on the bad instead of the good. Unfortunately, your son and daughter need to realise that. Making everything about themselves and not seeing how you must have suffered for years needs to change, but only they can do that. Hanging on to all that anger has not made them happy.

From what you say you will not be joining your daughter Christmas. Would it help if you wrote to her saying that you love her and her brother more than anything, but the constant blaming you reawakens all those years you struggled to do the right thing,everyone want to for right by their children, you are sorry with hindsight that it didn't prove to be in her eyes, but you did your best at the time. The past cannot be altered, my how we would all always do just the right thing, but we are human beings without a plan to follow.

Try to have a Merry Christmas and I do hope things improve for you all.?

It is easy for parents to be the scapegoats for children's difficulties. They can be cross/ rude/ hurtful to parents in a way they cannot be to friends or partners. They know we will carry on loving them whatever. However if the subject comes up again perhaps you should say you did your best in a difficult situation and no doubt you got some bits wrong as you are only human.

Thanks to all for their thoughts. My daughter is quiet, she spoke abit over Christmas, though not about anything much. My son knows I am not happy with his attitude. He has been quiet, but that is what he does.
Still I will wait for either of them to make contact. My husband is really hurt though by the way my daughter turned on him, but that is for him to deal with. I have decided I have a life and need to get on with it. I am fed up of being the whipping boy, and will leave them to cool off for now. I certainly have learnt some parenting lessons.