Retired husband advice please!

Totally agree OlderNoWiser, situations differ and only we can decide what is intolerable and it is not for others to judge. Following a breakdown several years ago, I believe I am well qualified to say how living in such a relationship can impact on your mental wellbeing. I am, dare I say, older and wiser (sorry!) from my experience and simply saying to Irene to consider and take care of herself.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/hoarding/Pages/Introduction.aspx

There maybe helpful comments here.

All I can say is that the two years it took to get rid of my very similar (now) ex H were worth it! Sorry but life is too short - if he can't make an effort for your happiness why make the effort to excuse and understand him? It takes two to make a relationship work, however long it has endured.

A friend of mine dumped her self-centred husband of 45 years last Christmas and she says she has never been happier.

Irene, I feel so deeply for you. What a difficult situation this must be! My DH and I both had to make some adjustments as each of us retired, but nothing as serious as what you're dealing with. I am so sorry.

How can you be so sure he is not depressed? I don't have any formal knowledge of depression, but I've always heard that one sign of it is staying in bed a lot. IMO, DH needs to be checked out by a doctor and maybe go for some counseling (if he's willing).

I think some counseling might be helpful for you, also, just to help you more ways of coping with this situation. When he sees that you're going, maybe he'll want to go too, just to see "what it's all about."

Meanwhile, I think the idea of separating your home to the degree that you can is a good one. Also, have you asked him to take on/ share some chores like walking the dog some of the time? Perhaps if you let him know it's too much for you to have to do it all the time?

And maybe you can give him a deadline for when he needs to begin to clear out that clutter, with the understanding that if he doesn't start by then, you'll go ahead and do it yourself? Would he accept that or freak out? Just floating some ideas... I know that, in the end, divorce may be the only answer, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

Irene I've just read this thread and am so sorry for the situation you are in. I'm wondering about support for you. Is there is a friend you can share this honestly with? Or your doctor? I wonder what the family think of this behaviour. Hoarding to the extent you describe is an illness and often is rooted in anxiety. A medical assessment would be a good plan if it can happen. Photos would help the doctor understand if a home visit isn't possible. Your DH could be treated if he would accept it. However this works out I do hope you can be supported and can enjoy life again. Sending hugs and

Just thought I would say how I cope with clashing TV viewing. I have my own I-Pad with good headphones. I then watch whatever I want to watch at the time of my choosing. BBC and ITV all have apps for catch up TV and subscriptions to Netflix or amazon prime gives access to hundreds of films and TV shows. It was my salvation through the World Cup and hours of Golf and other sport. There are lots of cheaper tablets out there which will do the same thing but all will give you your own personal viewing experience.

My husband retires today after over fifty year's of service to the community. He is just getting over a cancer operation with a 50/50 chance of it recurring. He is a man who's only interest has been his work and I'm apprehensive as to what is in store in the the coming months and years.

After reading Irene's very real problem, I think, everyone needs a reason to get up for in the morning. This is much easier for a woman as we all have domestic duties that need our attention, but for a man without any hobbies this can become a problem. I wonder how we can give retired men who haven't any obvious interests a reason to get up, dress presentively and do something that gives them satisfaction? I'm racking my brains right now as to how to achieve this end. If anyone has ideas, I would be grateful to hear them.

Hi Irene,
I feel so sorry for you. It must be so awful. I think it is not the best situation to be both in the same house all the time and under each others feet. Even the strongest marriage would suffer.
i am just retired and my husband works part time. Gosh I love it when he is at work and I have my freedom back!
I think you have to find a work-a-round somehow. Carry on with your own routines and "let him be”. To force change would be a battle. He has to change on his own.
Is there any way you can find a joint interest - no matter how tiny- like listening to the news together or (horror) watch a tv football match with him. Take tiny, baby steps and see how it goes.
P.S. you didn’t intend it but the baggy pants and gappy teeth combo made me smile. ??
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you keep in touch with us all here to give you morale support.

Your situation sounds intolerable at the moment.

I was in a similar position to you when DH retired 7 years ago. I wasn't ready to go on coach trips and sit there whilst he decided what to do/or not for the day.

I took up lots of voluntary work and increased my bridge playing at a local club, to fill up the empty days. DH somehow filled his days with TV and gardening but felt very resentful that he 'didn't have a wife any more'.

Anyway, we got very close to divorcing a couple of years ago, as we felt we'd grown apart. Our saviour was some couples counselling. It brought a lot of long standing hurts and resentments to the fore and we suddenly realised how much we meant to each other.

I feel you should either consider counselling together or just tell him, in a loving way, how your present living conditions impact negatively on you. If you don't do it now, your situation will fester and get worse.

It's hard to do this as after all these years and you probably don't want to cause too much friction. But believe me, it's better to bring this out in the open. DH might admit he feels lost and depressed.

In my case, we now have a dog sitter every Tuesday and do something together. That day is sacrosanct. We've joined the National Trust, I look at gardens with him and we take long walks together.

We still have our own rooms for TV watching and even seperate bedrooms, as he snores so much and keeps moving around in bed because of his bad back. Don't worry, we still find time to cuddle!

Retirement is considered a very dangerous time for couples and you hve to renegotiate your relationship and come to some kind of resolution.

Good luck and stay strong!

See my recent post.

It took some time for DH to fill his days. He couldn't play golf because of his bad back. In the end we bought a dog, who he adores- it's become his main wife! The dog has become a therapy dog and DH goes to schools with her to help SEN children with reading etc.

He also has reignited his interest in stamp collecting. Did your DH have any hobbies or interests before he retired? Now's the time to start again.

DH also has become a keen gardener and is happy to fill his days with watching cricket & going to football matches. His boredom threshold is higher than mine, so it works well.

Seldom has a post influenced my waking moments so much. Maybe because some aspects of your life are mirrored in mine though I have 97 per cent happiness and occasional blips. My OH is seven years older than me but sometimes the gap can be immense, particularly as his health is now causing problems. We ran our own business for nearly 30 years and worked in a partnership , never treading on each others toes, although in a bad time we did empty a mentor to translate each others feelings about the business! I do hope that all the replies have given you some comfort, but do not expect him to change. I have turned to hobbies of walking, setting myself goals each day and spend a great deal of time talking to friends and family on line. I also write, novels mainly, but also short stories which enable to escape from my worries and allow me a time to perhaps write OH into a piece, oh its so cathartic to moan about him. But when he was unable this weekend to attend our granddaughters christening due to illness ( again) I had a glimpse of life without him. Sort your head out, [put everything into perspective, and keep talking, even virtual 'friends' can help you. I think you will find a way through, but maybe in a most unexpected way. Keep sharing your thoughts, x

Irene 2108, if your other half did not speak to you for three months because you said something he didn't like that is sheer cruelty. It is highly manipulative behaviour and it is certainly deliberate. Withholding is one of the most corrosive of passive aggressive traits. Taken along with all the other difficult forms of behaviour your husband is exhibiting I think you need to put an end to the current situation before you become depressed yourself. You could try counselling, involving the family or seeing some other sort of professional. However, I would make it clear to him that divorce is very much on the cards if no alternative can be found whereby you are happy. Better a clean break and a new start than some messy arrangement whereby you share a house.

Your posts are all about him. What about you?

I am separated from a man who invented the passive/aggressive technique. Weeks would go by where he would barely speak a word to me or kids, but he would intensify his mood and we would know he was there.
Then I discovered he was hooking up with dodgy/need to be paid for women on the Internet. Long story, but I did a Babushka on him and slung him out.
Now I am sad and lonely. Have kept him on good terms for the now grown up kids.
Once ancient dog is dead, am considering buggering off in a camper van, except I have a slight phobia driving over bridges these days. Will have to plot route carefully. Fancy joining me?

Thank you again for your replies. Jacqui, I am happy for you with a new lease of life ahead of you! How did your husband react when you said you were leaving?
I do feel better for unburdening myself and 'talking' to my peers. As it's not all bad all the time, mostly I can adjust and adapt and just get on but there is inevitably a boiling point to be reached and mine was the baggy pants and teeth incident (plus being in bed for 18 hours!)
Caramac, the whole stonewalling thing was awful. Our DD fell out with him over his behaviour, though they are fine now.
Several of you mention getting balance for yourself and this is my current mission. I will see how things go for a while longer. We will be downsizing before long so that will be my time to go if things don't improve. There should just be enough for a flat each in this area or a house if we move out.
My sympathies lie with everyone out there enduring difficult times with difficult partners. thank goodness for an outlet!

I though we had the same husband at first but mine never cooked so knew it wasn't. I put up with it 39 years and it only took one little thing and I realised what was I doi g with him. Forget me saying to myself many times that he might change - they rarely do. I should have got divorced over 30 years ago but kept thinking he'd change and could nice if for a few weeks then he'd go back to being arrogant selfish know it all criticising me and never giving the kids encouragement moody ( he never spoke to me once for 6 months and that was after my dad died). I gave myself a birthday present 7 years ago and that was to see a divorce solicitor and start proceedings. Of course he couldn't understand why I could want a divorce from him but I had to do it as I knew when he retired he'd be sitting In front of the tv from the minute he got up until he went to bed. He didnt get a solicitor or a barrister and it took 3 years after the divorce to get him to put our house on the market. I am now living apart from him waiting to move into a flat and it was the best thing I ever did. It'll be difficult financially but that's all. Sorry to go on but don't waste time on someone who doesn't appreciate you. Life is too short x

Oops.. Only read half the replies as didn't realise there was page2 as well!
Wow, there's a whole lot of it going on out there, why do certain traits get worse as they age? Apparently over 60's are the biggest age group for divorce. Wonder why
About me, as someone kindly asked. I consider myself very lucky in life. I have great children and grandchildren a good job, a few good friends, a nice home. I am grateful everyday for who I am. I have had depression, once severely and once not quite so severe. At the time you don't think you will ever be happy again so you really appreciate it when you emerge. I worked really hard at becoming resilient and find I handle things better now.
In reply to several people who say staying in bed can be a sign of depression, I do agree but he doesn't sleep all the time, he listens to radio 4, watches tv and goes on line. He is just lazy. He does want to go bike riding and play golf but wants me to go as well. I am dangerous on a bike and life's too short for golf! I have so much to think about with all the replies, thank you and good luck to all out there experiencing the same thing.

I think he needs a short sharp shock!

Some of your story Irene resonates with my own. Living with DH was 'okay', given that he is/was a high-functioning alcoholic, whilst he was working.
He retired as soon as he could, at 60, whilst I carried on working F/T doing a job I loved. Very soon I would be arriving home to a mean and moody man, fed up being in his own company all day and tired of 'looking after the dog' (a dog who was never walked by him but he did take over the feeding of her).
I reduced my hours, thinking that would make life more bearable for him and would ease me into a reluctant retirement. The reluctance was that we had no shared plans, no shared anything. He gradually stopped driving, stopped shopping for food, he did still do the cooking from time to time, and he would disappear to bed around 3 p.m. for an afternoon nap (nothing wrong with that but it was fuelled by his alcohol, which he started drinking earlier and earlier in the day) and he would stay there until 7 or 8 p.m. This meant I had often cooked the evening meal and sat and ate it on my own.
We stayed in different rooms in the evening, me watching the TV, he watching stuff on his ipad and smoking (I'm a non-smoker).
Eventually he stopped having baths and showers, just washed his face and hair in water. The towels and pillows he used smelled. He started wearing the same clothes in bed as he did during the day.
He was impossible to confront with this issues as he has a narcissistic personality, I read about this a couple of years ago and he ticked most of the boxes. Hence he is 'okay, wonderful, the best' and it is everyone else that isn't. The drink meant that it was often 'light blue touch paper and retire' and he could rage for hours.
Two years ago someone said to me 'You deserve better' and I realised I had fallen out of love with DH. I left. At the end of this month I can start to divorce on separation grounds. I have never regretted leaving him, apart from missing a cup of tea in bed at the start of the day.
I now have a wonderful social life, lots of genuine friends and my calendar is full.
I do miss having a special 'someone' but heyho, its 2016 and anything can happen.

I suppose I want to say that, parting may sound scary and it certainly brings out every emotion under the sun and it is not easy... it really isn't easy ...but time can bring a healing.
DH now has a girlfriend (she was lurking in the background), has been abroad on holiday and has a car again, so I think it shook him out of his skin.