Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Kate's sorry just ready your post, I am saying exactly that I personally don't think anybody not estranged from a much loved child can possibly understand, there is no pain
Like it.

My friends do their best but it is far easier to empathise with my,friends on here,who have similar heartache. Surely that is quite obvious?

Walk a mile in my shoes then feel free to comment as they say.

Celebgran, I've come over from mumsnet today and have been reading all the linked threads on this subject. I've found myself flipping between so many different viewpoints. Could I just ask you something?

Has your DD cut you off herself? Or did her DH do it for her, in the sense that she had no choice. It's just, she's been cut off from such a swathe of people. Did she choose it?

Also, you said it was very abrupt. Were you with her the day before? What happened that day?

No strolling by we saw her sat and read text on her old phone from her b friend saying I can't make her unhappy like she can make her happy ? (I was very upset. )which she was going give me, to my dying day wish I had ignored it cut long story short it texted her about it how stupid I should have spoken to her.

Then she at first denied text, then admitted she was upset how I spoke to her when her grandad died, and she had new family now. That was last text I ever got a d she changed her mobile, and landline. Her husband rang her godparents and severed contact a week or two later, they have no children themselves and were devoted to our ed.

Her friends from school say she has cut them off too,
My s I law is a major player in it all and I feel stupid for not realising it earlier not sure what I could have done, she must have gone along with it all. Last time her dad managed to speak to her 2 years ago she wanted him to see children, she just had new baby s I law refused so it is very sad, that would have been a break through but s I law went to police to prevent us contacting her said we we're harassing them. Our mp sorted it for us and she was told normal contact was not harassment,it has been an absolute nightmare.

Apologies ladies who already know the above story,

Valid point my ed wrote me a letter I still have it saying she loved me but she had made decision to cut us off she had new family and we used to row especially when she was younger. It was an awful letter to receive, she threatened to go to police if we tried to contact her, and s I law did, she wrote letter herself, I still feel so insulted that after our close mother daughter bond and all letters I have telling me how much she loved me and needed me She couldn't talk to me, I was only worth a 2nd class Stamp.

I was in absolute pieces my dh was at work I can still remember ringing my sister in floods of tears and My son, not pleasant memory.

Thank you for your replies.

As someone who got out of an abusive relationship, there's a lot there that might say your DD is being controlled by him and has little choice in the matter. With a 9 month old she would have been very vulnerable. It may not be that she 'went along with it', but more that she felt she had no choice. Isolating victims from their families is incredibly common with abusers, and a need to hold her new family together for her daughter in the face of damaging alienation from him about her family may have left her feeling she had no choice but to write that letter.

Apologies if there's stuff I don't know, I do appreciate this is your support thread. I just felt it's possible that you are ascribing choices and motivations to her that she didn't actually have. That he has trapped her abusively, and she actually needs help.

Sorry if I'm wildly off the mark. My abuser alienated my DM from me, but luckily he's now gone, and I have her back. As do the GC.

Just strolling by it is an open support thread and thank your for taking trouble to show interest and share your experience too.

Part of us feels our,daughter is In a controlling relationship and we are so very worried about that. Surely she could write to us tho?

Off bed. NOw thanks so much for your posts.

I'm not sure, but maybe some posters would like to see the stories reported on this page. Several of them describe how their abusers separated them from their families. There's a couple of sad remarks about family members who could've helped, but misunderstood the situation.
speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/isolation-tactic-of-control

I found this other amazing page on the same website!
speakoutloud.net/helping-victims-survivors/mothers-concerned-for-daughters-in-abusive-relationships

its not always an abusive controlling relationship that can allienate our daughters from us, there are loads of other factors some of which we cant comprehend or will never understand. It doesnt help when our kids refuse to communicate why they have taken that choice to not have anything to do with us. Of course we all ask ourselves 'was it my fault what have I done wrong' but that doesnt help us if we know we havent attributed for the estrangement to happen in the first instance.The longer the severed relationship goes on the harder it is to repair. In my case its now gone beyond the state of repair and as I said in a previous post I have walked away. Yes I hurt, some days the pain is unbearable! As the saying goes '' If Ive cut you off its because you handed me the scissors''

I live in a small community and I see families visiting their parents and grandparents regularly, taking them out etc; every time I see this I feel like my heart is being ripped out !!

A neighbour of mine had an estranged daughter, for years she had no idea where she was, my neighbour took ill and was on her death bed and the daughter turned up to see her mother. So many wasted years, to little to late. If only our kids would meet half way in trying to build bridges before its too late.

I noted that someone compared death with estrangement to be honest theres no comparrison, when death happens you know you will never see that person again, with estrangement you know the family are out there somewhere and you could bump into them at any time and you hang on to the hope of seeing your loved ones again.

Morning Girls

Well said Smileless and fingers and toes crosses for your move

Juststrollingby Hello nice to hear your input and glad to hear you got out of that abusive marriage, well done for being strong What you are describing is my D case, my D would never have done this on her own, we had a very close and loving relationship, so exactly the reason her nasty husband wanted me, closely followed by her sister out! My D had two small children, so very vulnerable , like you. I hope you and your C are now happy on your own and I wish you all the best for your future happiness

How can anyone dismiss death of a loved one just like that?

Anya, No One is dismissing the death of a loved one!

I do wish people would read the posts properly instead of picking at them like a dog with a bone!

Celebgran & Jenty

GarlicCake I wouldn't want to come to you for afternoon tea if you serve up 'GarlicCake' Thank you for the links, I will read them later.

Elegran to go back to my post I didn't have time to finish yesterday.
One day I was in my D&GC lives, daily phone calls, my darling little GD calling me first thing in the morning, chatting away, so sweet. When I went to visit, she would run into my arms and say "luv you nannie" giving me a big huge & kiss from that to like a guillotine coming down, like they were all in a car crash and died, just completely cut off! No more phone calls, no more visits, no hugs & kisses, no more "luv you nannie", just complete silence I phoned early one morning, to try and catch my GD on her own, she picked up and in her sweet little voice said hello" I replied "Hello L....., it's nannie, I love you" there was silence and then the phoned went dead, I re-phoned and my D picked up, "J.....,J...., why are you doing this??" and again the phone went dead! What did they say to my darling little GD, to make her stay silent when her beloved nannie called??

I was the second person in the world to hold my baby GD in my arms, I chose her name with my D, and she was named after me [second and last] that's how close we were. I was the second parent, as her father didn't want to know from the onset, has never seen her, nor his family. You say Elegran that GP have no right to see their GC, in law this is true, but what about the moral right, the genetic rights? My GC are bone of my bone, blood of my blood, I would say that is rights enough. But I have now been taught that these rights can be taken away on a wim, a wim from someone that is not even related to my precious GD, just 'cos he can' He even took away my GD name! that is child abuse, he & my D look into those beautiful little eyes of my GD every day and lie & deceive her, that is child abuse, he doesn't love her, he doesn't love my D either, he has shown this clearly, this is just a cruel sick game to him, that my D has allowed him to win. She could have just said "No"!

He knows he is harming my GD [&my D] but he doesn't care. My GD is without doubt damaged from this, she would without doubt have been crying for me, her nannie that she lived with from before she was even born, in her mummy's tummy, her nannie that had been in her life always

Here, here Jenty That happens on here all the time. Our whole stories run back 7 to 3.5yrs, so to grasp the whole picture you would have to read from the beginning not just pick at bits & pieces.

So explain what you meant please as it sounded like that to me jenty then perhaps I'll understand.

Yogagirl you dont have to justify your life to try and make people understand because they wont if its not happened to them.

I remember a while back a similar incident where posters came into this thread and 'stirred the pot' so too speak who had not experienced estrangement at all!!

'' Dont judge us until youve walked a mile in our shoes or live a day in our lives"

Don't even try Anya it really isn't worth it.

Thank you for that advice Ann - of course you are absolutely right.

No point.

Anya Ive no need to explain again to get my point across its quite clear.

This thread is about estrangement not death so I dont feel the need to comment on the death of a loved one anymore.

Don't bother I'm off this thread as Ann suggested.

As for my GS, I was the third person to hold him in my arms and loved him from that moment on. However my D & s.i.l had by then moved into their own home and from the moment they moved in, my ND & I were in no doubt that his family came first. When we were 'outted' it was put that I didn't love my GS only my GD and was made to feel that their Son had only one set of grandparents and that was his parents. The only person that can say if I love my GS or not is me, and I can say without hesitation that I love my GS with all of my heart & soul, always have, always will.

That was another reason why we were 'cut out', because nasty s.i.l wrongly perceived that my GD was getting more love and attention than his Son, so he wasn't having that, so out we went. But of course not only did he rob my GD of all that love and attention, but he also robbed his Son too!

juststrollingby I'd love to hear more of your story, if you would feel comfortable in sharing more with us. How did your nasty husband managed to cut you off from your mum, how did she react and how did your C feel and react in being cut off from their nannie? Was it just your mum that was cut off or did it run to the rest of your family and what did your mum have to say after your reconciliation, about it all. Also his parents, were they part of the alienation scheme, as were my D in-laws ?

Celebrants, I think I would be worried too.

The thing about abusers is they control your thinking, not just your actions. For her to write to you she would have to understand what was happening to her, decide it's wrong and then have the courage to defy somebody she is likely to be very scared of. It's a huge process that took me well over a year to get through.

Are you able to write to her? I guess you don't know if she would get to read it. In the midst of the horror that was my life, the fact that my DM made it clear that she would help me get out, and loved me no matter what, was a lifeline. I have no idea how you could get this info to her, but it might make a difference to whether she tries to leave.

Thank you very much Jenty

Juststrollingby I did write a last email to my estD recently, telling her I will always love her and my door will always be open to her and the C, but obviously, no idea if she received or read it