Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Yogagirl he made every interaction I had with her difficult. Huffing and tutting when on the phone, sulky silences and stropping when she was here, and angry outbursts listing all their wrongs after they'd gone. I never consciously chose to distance myself from DM, I just realised one day how distanced we had become and how awkward it was when we were together. It was just the path of least resistance. I don't think he 'planned it' either, he just didn't like any attention to be anywhere but on him.

My mum twigged first that there was a problem. She said she just waited and hoped I'd find my way out. She got frustrated with me at times, wanting me to do sensible things like start a pension, and not being able to understand that I couldn't, because he controlled the money. She recognised this was going to be a long haul to get through, and put up with him regardless in order to stay as close to me as she could. She was quite bloody minded about it in a way, 'I'm not letting that piece of interefere with my relationship with my daughter' was what she thought.

She never blamed me. She never held me responsible. I was her daughter and she loved me, so that was that, she put up with all the awfulness. And when I phoned and said 'mum, I need help', she was there. There was a lot of rebuilding to do, because there had been damage, but I feel I have got her back, and she feels the same.

I am also very fortunate that my in laws knew what he was like, and never said a bad word to me. His sisters and mother phone and come and stay, 3years later, and I'm going to his sisters wedding in July.

The DC just knew that it was tense when Nana was there. They loved her, but of course I'm their mum so as long as they had me, they were fine. They've always loved spending time with their GPs, but it's mummy that is home and security so ultimately they were OK. It has been lovely watching them get to properly enjoy the time with their nana now that no one is stressed out because we are together. I've never been happier.

What my mum says now is that she's just glad to have me back, that I'm free of him, and wishes I hadn't had to go through all that, although, of course, as we all love the DC we wouldn't change anything. She's now training with WA to become a DV volunteer to help others like me. I'm very proud of her.

Thanks just strolling I have written so many times, and am going send anniversary card is worse that she been so ill.

We hope she gets post a neibor wrote and got her cousin to address and post In Different place. Her godfather thinks she is scared go against her husband but we just don't know,

I have no real idea if she is being controlled, we wrote to s in law parents year ago no response and Called there when ed godfather drove us over he was quite hostile to us, told us ed nearly died then shut door in our face when I asked him why no one had decency to tell us.

Will ad line I. Card to say we will always love her and be here if she needs us. Can't do any harm.

Celebgran that sounds awful. I think I'd have cried and cried and begged to see her, I'd be desperate to put things right. It's scary to think she might have been so close, and wanting you but unable to get to you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Juststrollingby
And some for your good Mother. So lovely to hear a happy ending for a change. God Bless you and yours, stay happy xx

just strolling so pleased you're in good place with your mum that's great news as yoga-girl said good hear positive outcome,

Thanks for you ur kind support just posted card and put on back will always love. You xxx a d always be here if you need us. Dh just given literally to postman,

Thank you JustStrollingBy for sharing you story with us all on this thread. It's lovely to hear about a happy ending and to be given an insight into how an adult child can be manipulated into walking away from their parents.

I see a lot of what you said about your own history as being what we suspect has happened with our ES. There are so many ways to emotionally abuse someone, to control almost every aspect of their lives. for you and your lovely mum. How wonderful that you have one another back again..

For us, it isn't just the non contact with our ES and his children, our only GC, it's the terribly cruel things he's written and said for almost 4 years. I still can't believe some of the things he's come out with and I'll never understand why cutting us out of his life wasn't enough, why did he have to be so cruel?

Celeb how wonderful it would be, to see a post from you telling us that she's contacted you, if only to thank you for the card. You both try so hard; again and again and get nothing but the awful silence that we all sadly experience.

Good to see your posts Jenty; thanks for your support.

Well ladies, as our gender is known for multi tasking, I hope that what ever you're doing at 5.30pm today, you'll be keeping your fingers crossed.

Smilless what have I missed at 5 30 is it a viewing.?

Can't quite remember is dh wanting sell now? I know he was reluctant.

We have no feedback. From anyone about ed telling lies. How ever the letter via solicitor was absolutely awful mentioning a bad row 13 years ago.!,?Also trashing my personality and character citing my depression I suffered at age 17 when my father died, and also post natal depression I suffered. This was all done to try and say I would be unfit to see my Grandaughter.

If I stopped to remind. Myself of that cruelty I would not ever want to see her again.

Thanks Smilelss you will be first to know if we get a response,

On happy note have received wedding invite from my Irish cousin (mynfathernwas irish) and we can go is July 24 dh not working and all fits in??

Did I know you smileless and yogsgirl when went to other Irish wedding in 2012?

JSB, my heart goes out to you for what you went through. So glad you are out of that controlling relationship! And I think it's beautiful of you to come here and reach out to others whose DDs may be going through the same thing.

I don't have time right not to read the links you gave us Garlic - I'll look at them later. But from what I understand, it can be very tricky for families to help DDs in such situations. If' they're not careful, they can make more trouble for DD . Or she may see them as trying to push her around, in their own way, just as the guy is - and they prefer to stick with the guy. IMO, the best thing a loving family can do is let DD know they love her and are there for her if ever she chooses to seek them out - then be prepared to help her (have info about battered women's services or whatever is needed) if she ever reaches out to them. Maybe even take in her and the kids if they can. But no matter what anyone does or is prepared to do, as I understand it, DD needs to come to the decision to leave herself.

Am I wrong ladies?

Fingers crossed for you Smileless

Your right Wendysue

That's pretty much what the links say, Wendy The website gives quotes from people's real experiences, which I find can help with improving insight - and it's validating to hear from others in related situations. Things like that often give me fresh ideas on how to cope with a tricky issue.

It's OK to uncross now ladies. Well, they loved the kitchen and bathroom and the overall space. Went quiet when they went outside at the back of the house, well we've extended so something has to givebut there's a garden down one side of the house together with a lovely front garden.

They've seen some others and told our estate agent who showed them around that the found all of the rooms in new builds rather small, so not a total disaster then. Our estate agent is going to do an open day a week on Saturday so we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Yes Celeb Mr. S. is prepared to go ahead because he knows how unhappy I am living here. It's such a shame because it really is a lovely house but I feel our time here has come to an end and I so desperately want to go somewhere new, where we have no memories and make some new ones.

You are right Wendysue and it isn't just a situation that applies to women, it also applies to men too; this is the situation we believe our ES to be in. He reached out to us 18 months ago when he'd left her, but within a few weeks he was back and now they have another child.

We can do no more now. We've told him at every opportunity that we love him and are here for him but to no avail. My email asking if we can see our GC has been ignored. It's just so sad, unbelievable and so heart breaking.

Thank you everyone for your lovely words. It was awful to be that DD cut off from family. If anything I can say shines a light and helps others to reach another DD then that would be as much as I could hope for.

I do hope you all find a way to reconnect with your children again. I guess, throw a lifeline to them, and maybe they'll find their way back one day.

You sound such a lovely person just strolling by you and
You have helped us on here more than I can say??

It is so refreshing to have such a kind poster and hear the perspective from the daughter point of view, God bless you and wish you happiness and continued closeness with your family.

Ditto to everything Celeb has said JustStrollingBy. Your wonderfully honest and open posts have shone a light into what has been for so long, a very dark tunnel.

If you can find your way back to your family, then maybe one day our son will find his way back to us and the estranged children of all my dear friends on this thread, may find a way back to them too.

I hope that you will have nothing but peace, love, joy and happiness in your life.

Well, I guess I'm glad to see that what I said about people in abusive situations was right, but I wish it wasn't. I wish it was much easier to help them get out of it. And, of course, I wish there were no such thing at all.

Celeb, I think it's good that your ed knows you're still there for her. But maybe it would be better to tell her that once (in a card or whatever) and then stop contacting her? Otherwise, it's just one unanswered communication after another for you. But I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

Good to hear that Mr. S is interested in moving after all, Smileless! And that the showing of your house went well the other day. Wishing you continued good luck with this and hope you find a buyer soon!

I didn't realized ES reached out to you some time ago. (I may have missed that since I'm fairly new here.) Since it was when he left DIL, it definitely sounds as if she's a big part of the reason for the estrangement. In fact, you and DH may have been caught in the crossfires of marital problems. If they work it all out in time, maybe things will change, after all - but maybe not. I don't want to raise false hopes.

Or maybe as you suggest, there's emotional abuse going on. I just hope ES finds his way out of it sooner rather than later, if that's the case. But I know it's hard when there are kids involved.

Joining PPs in wishing you the best, JSB! You have many years ahead of you, I'm sure. Enjoy them all!

If it's any comfort, Smileless, it may just be that while ES is with DIL, he feels he has to stand by her, even if that means COing his own parents. So it might not be abuse exactly. But if that's the case, I hope, someday, they reach the point where she is ready to reconnect with you people or, where ES, at least, feels he can maintain a relationship with you, even if she's not involved.

Wendysue I don't write to ed anymore it is the fact that she has Multiple pulmonary embolisms and been at deaths door that I have contacted her again, plus the fact that we had no idea how she is. We know she had setback and went back hospital but that was weeks ago it is so cruel that we are nt informed and due to her husband cutting off entire family and godparents no one to find out.

I am not stupid enough to keep writing to sake of it. As bel mooney said getting no response is way too upsetting.

I agree with your sentiment otherwise.

Today is her 10th wedding anniversary and is scarey to feel that within 3 years my
Daughter helped my son I law had cut off entire side of family.

Never mind life goes on. Can't help thinking what happy day her wedding day was how lovely she looked k. Dress i bought her and she borrowed my diamond stud earrings. She also insisted I went to hen night and pamper day with her bridesmaids,also despite my misgivings over me in cossie with 3 very slim young ladies?

How could it all have gone so wrong so soon after?

Celebgran

Hello everyone- Yesterday I found out that my very first boyfriend passed away, although much too soon. He was the first of my " teen " group to pass away and I am extremely sad to hear this news. We were all going to get together next summer. I was going to bring pictures and old films and we were going to all laugh and reminisce. It will still happen but with a heavy heart. It will be too late for him. And I say this because I have spent the night crying and wondering
if it will be too late for us and our EC . Will they be sad and sorry and remorseful when we pass? It will be too late for us and them to share pictures and films and laugh and reminisce. Will they even care about their missed opportunity?
I realize we have no control over anything no matter how many letters or cards we send. We only have control over ourselves.
For DH and myself to constantly send cards or to ask to see the GC and not get even an " I hate you" letter has stopped. Every time we would try and make a connection it would anger me more that they have chosen estrangement over a conversation.
So I guess we won't be sharing any memories but at this point after a year and a half of estrangement we still need to retain some dignity and we have stopped asking and begging to see the GC.

Rhinestone ??? you are In Early stages compared to us can't believe is 7 years.

However You absolutely right we spent first year or so fighting the police harassment warning that led to my arrest for delivering birthday present for e g d.
Sent far too many lovley cards and letters every single one ignored,

Will always send Estranged g d a birthdays card. Other 2 don't know birthdays we were t even told. Of their ?

Trying keep posiitve g g do daughters god mothers pedicure and waxing this afternoon ,

So excited about wedding invite to Ireland. Be great see Irish family,again.?

.

Ive often wondered the same Rhinestone, it just all seems so unnecessary, the kids are so blinkered they are only thinking of themselves!

Whoa! Celeb, you were arrested for bringing over a gift?!

Ok, I've heard/read of this kind of thing before (recently), but it always takes me by surprise. So sorry to hear it!

I understand why you and DH contacted ED again. You're parents and as parents, we always worry about our sons and daughters and their problems, no matter what. Still, it must have taken even more courage than I realized to go over there. You ran the risk of being arrested again. But I know you did it out of love - if only she could see that (sigh).

Rhinestone, so sorry to hear of your friend's passing. Sorry, too, that it touched off more unhappy feelings about your estrangement. (((Hugs)))

I'm glad you've stopped trying to contact your EC or "begging to see the GC." Obviously, it doesn't get you anywhere but to more disappointment and heartache. And there's always the danger of ending up where Celeb did and being accused of "harassment." I know it must have been hard to decide to let go though.

Oh bless you wendysue, no risk of arrest our local mp stepped in and wrote to the chief constable as was then and asked for reasons for our warning. Of course they didn't have any so we got reams of forms and literature with a letter saying a warning implies wrong doing and admitted we had done nothing wrong so that was last we heard of them?

Previously the chief inspector had told our ed that normal contact was not harassment and we were allowed to send cards and gifts, disgraceful really isn't it? We went through hell over that. We complained In First place but dh was too nice when a trouble shooter came to interview us. I had letters printed in mail about total waste police time?. We were actually interviewed for sendig birthdayscard to ed. as it type this I cant believe it really. I a s upraised we are even Interested anymore,

We have to focus on the good things we do have sadly our ed is. It one of them.

So sorry to hear about your dear friend dying Rhinestone

Clelebgran my parents best friends were Irish, I went to Ireland with them and their daughter, it rained every day lol. Have a lovely time at the wedding, when is it?

My darling little grandson's 5th Birthday today. I lit a candle for him and sang 'Happy Birthday', had a little cry. I wonder when I/we will see him and my D&GD again ;-( Last time I/we saw him he was just 18mnths old. ;'-( :'-(