Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

I don't think some of the posters here really understand how the internet works, and perhaps that is why they also don't understand the dangers of giving too much information online. Of course I didn't read through three years of posts, it just took a few moments to find the information I was looking for. Google is your friend!

Stansgran

Whoever suggested 'a full on nursery?'

Makes me wonder whether people actually bother to read posts properly before commenting

I assume the private group you belong to are like minded people who will totally agree with you and will not offer any other views which may disagree or offer other solutions to you.

Madamecholet

I don't think some of the posters here really understand how the Internet works...'

I don't suppose thats a patronising ill-informed comment?

No, I would say it is a statement of fact. Anyone who thinks I had to go through three years of posts to get the quotes that I used clearly does not understand how the internet works.

GarlicCake, thanks for the good wishes. It has been challenging to say the least but I think we are through the worst, hard to say if the children will have any long term issues with it all but they seem to have come through it with minimal problems. DIL is much happier but I think she will always have issues. We get on remarkably well but I am always very careful with boundaries and have never criticised her. If things are difficult she knows I will drop everything at a moments notice so she can have a break.

FairyDoll the issue with the buying of lots of equipment is the boundaries and yes all that is essential is the safety gate. A baby will sleep quite happily and safely on the floor on a nice blanket, modern car seats are actually really quick to swap and they don't need highchairs. You might want them, you might think they are convenient but they don't need them and as others have said if you want to get some stuff ask what the parents think. Always remember it is their child not yours should be tattooed on grandparents eyeballs.

I don't suppose NC is ever down to one thing, perhaps occasionally but rare I would think. I will give an example, my husband and his mother had a difficult relationship, she was insensitive, controlling and always knew best. She would have described herself as very caring and supportive but never listened to what he wanted/needed. He had many fallouts with her over the years and went NC more than once. She never learned and it would always start again once he relented and saw her. She came to our house one day and my daughter, a little girl at the time, had broken something. My husband put it on a shelf and said he would repair it when he had time. No problems. MIL returned a week later with a smirk on her face and produced broken object from her bag. She had sneaked it out of the house and had it repaired. Now you might say she was being helpful but to my husband she had once again ignored his wishes and she had decided what should happen in our house and undermined him in front of his children. He smashed said object and told her she was a thief, she had removed property from our house without our permission. I am sure she presented this to her support group as him being unreasonable, she was only being helpful but of course what she was doing was disrespecting him in his home and once again she went months without seeing any of us.

What she could never see was that she couldn't win. She couldn't force him to see her, she couldn't force him to love her and she couldn't force him to let her see the children. I think it is a sort of mental illness.

madamecholet, I was shocked at the posts you quoted. There was clearly malice in them and I wonder how it impacted her daughter and grandchildren? If the SIL is as evil as she says who would want to poke him with a stick and leave the daughter and grandchildren to suffer his anger. Or maybe he isn't really that evil?

Anyway it has been very interesting and has given me more insight into why these estrangements happen but I will go off to happier places.

Maybe not, Madamecholet', but you actually took the trouble to point it out!

Nasty....

Hope it made you feel good.

Fairydoll vindictive comments are seldom from happy people.

Oh gosh how could anyone be more patronising?! How could we possibly understand garlic ??

I irony is somewhat lost on garlic
That anyone could be so nasty as to search for posts to try and say something vile!?

I rest my case, I too hope it made her feel good to profoundly upset an Estranged mum who has no partner, what an extremely Nasty thing to dol

Ann sixty don't worry we are very selective about new joins it is an International group well run byn2 good friends from uk and totally closed I am . Very relieved to say.

I would say as each person vetted we are in a different league to the anyone can Join forums.

We may not always agree but it is done In a Civilised way

Fairydoll2030, I never respond to unpleasant personal remarks, so you really are wasting your time with me. I have noticed that a recurring theme in this thread is that when anyone posts something that is not considered "on message" by some posters, they don't deal with the points raised, but resort to name calling and saying what a nasty person that poster is. If this is how they deal with differences of opinion within their family, that might explain some of the problems that have arisen. Food for thought maybe - or a trigger for more hostile comments?

I expect you are too busy making unpleasant tcomments to respond to any??cholet

Gosh, I've been off line for a couple of weeks and all hell's let loose! What's going on? We come on here for friendly advice and support from those who have experienced similar family problems and hopefully understand what we're going through. We all love our children and our grandchildren but even the best of us get upset and angry and mostly can't tell anyone about it because it's embarrassing to admit to friends - and even some relatives - that our families have broken down. It goes against the natural way of things. We all start our families with dreams of a lovely future and happy and loving family life. Unfortunately this isn't the case for many of us and I for one will never be truly happy as long as my family has this wound down the middle that will not heal. It is all consuming and it doesn't matter how many counselling sessions or prayers or internet advice pages - the hurt never goes away. You just learn to put on a face and hide how you're really feeling and just get on with life as best you can. Love and (((hugs))) to all those affected by estrangement.

Oh for pity's sake!! I am not inclined to comment unfavourably on anyone's posts-have enough to deal with in RL-but this whole 'you can't play in our garden' attitude is really beginning to grate. Nasty? Horrid? A childlike choice of words, and besides which nobody has said anything of that nature. The recent course of this thread has exposed the less pleasant side of several posters - to the extent that I can see how some of the family tensions may have arisen. Oh and support doesn't mean facilitating a constant replay of events/feelings. It means helping people accept their circumstance, deal with their feelings and move on to a happier place. No, I've never been cut off fron my family but I, along with probably the entire membership of GN understand loss. The cause is not relevant, pain is pain is pain.

Well you must have missed the majority of my posts madamcholet because I always deal with points raised and have never resorted to name calling.

That said, I'm not going to bother referring to some of the posts that have been made for 3 reasons 1) I have a cold and pounding headache 2) I simply can't be bothered and 3) well, the ones I'm just going to ignore aren't worth bothering responding too.

Well dear friends, you can uncross whatever you crossed because the viewing went well, very well indeed. She absolutely loved the house and had made enquiries about having gas fitted before they even came!!! Despite there being an open house on Saturday, she's wanting to come for another viewing before then. I'm trying not to get too excited but of course I am.

*Celeb*, Yogagirl, Luckylegs, Fairydoll, Wendysue and Rhinestone

madamecholet

It is YOU who are making unpleasant comments.

So, your opinion is that how people respond to your vindictive posts is how they respond to family differences of opinion?

Well I have a difference of opinion to you, and I am not estranged from my AC. In fact we enjoy a close and loving relationship.

This thread was hitherto a 'haven' for a few posters who have gone through a painful estrangement. All their stories are different. They find comfort and solace being able to chat about their everydays lives to others who can understand their feelings(which evidently you and a few others most certainly do not!) and how they are coping with the painful loss. If someone has a bad day, then others will give words of encouragement.
It may be viewed as self indulgent, but what the hell does that matter?

Someone mentioned offering 'solutions.' How can anyone, who has absolutely no idea of the pain some regular posters here live with on a daily basis, offer a solution? Unsolicited advice is not welcome unless it's constructive, not destructive and critical. That is cruel. It now looks as if some of the more regular posters here have held off posting further updates - probably for fear of inviting more criticism.

Perhaps, when you read future posts on this thread, you may stop and think - there but for the grace of God go I.

I think exactly that whenever I stop by here.

A little humanity and humility wouldn't go amiss here.

PS and [flowers}Ukecan

Fairydoll totally good post, I have t posted much simply because had lovely day out ?

Smilelss myself and the team as your u rightly say work. Very well supporting each other.

From time to time non kindred spirits appear out of the woodwork but it does t phase us.

Info agree Smilelss yawn yawn really not worth dealing with lost of the posts.
As said yesterday they will go play elsewhere soon ??

Brillian news about viewing, sound good?Smilless

I do feel for those cut off from their Grandchildren, I am luckily not in that position and have a very close relationship with both my DD's and 4 beloved Granddaughters. But I do have to agree with some of the posts which comment on their SIL or ED, ES or whoever the estranged family member is being accused of being controlling, as has been said previously this is an open forum and anyone can read the posts. How can some of the unkind comments help in a reconciliation if the estranged loved ones can read the posts for themselves. Their are always two sides to every story, and it does seem to be if people don't agree with some posters then those making the comment are accused of being vile or not understanding. On an open forum each person has a right to their take on situations, and as for moderators not jumping on all the "nasty people" of course their not going to, its called free speech and as long as it doesn't break forum rules, there is no need for them to intervene. This is a one sided view and anyone offering another side is shot down. I believe it was celebgrans post that was deleted by GN today no one else's. No outsider as you view some people can know the facts behind some of these estrangements. To name your estranged DD, DS or whoever is plain madness, if your computer savvy it's as easy as pie to discover who the person is discussing. Thats why some comments are inappropriate if your family members can read then, how can this help build bridges. Many of you say you no longer care or are moving on, but many bring up their vitriolic feelings on a daily basis. How can it be helpful to dredge over what he said/she said, we will never know their side of the story. Support, uphold and encouragement are great but wallowing in pity is not. I'm waiting for the backlash as of course my view is one that doesn't agree with yours, and any opinion that doesn't the poster is then villified as nasty, unfeeling etc.

Thanks for the flowers, Smileless! And for sharing your good news about the viewing!

IMO, there's a place for blunt advice and (hopefully) constructive criticism - this thread isn't one of them. Sure, "support" can include well-intentioned advice, but it was created, if I understand correctly (Smile, please tell me if I'm wrong) for the kind of support that offers comfort/ a hand to hold/a shoulder to cry on. Even so, sometimes one of us makes what we think is a helpful suggestion and yes, sometimes we disagree. But it's done gently and the main focus is on support/comfort. If I wanted to speak more bluntly about what EPs/EGPs need to do/not do, I think I would start a new thread.

Exactly wendysue yes my post was removed because I called someone a saddo?
Oh dear.

Granny grace we are all well aware that posters like yourself are not interested in trying to offer supprt as wendysue says that is the title of the thread. Why should you be? Just another little dig at us coming out of the woodwork.

Morning Smilelss rhinestone and yogsgirl Fairydoll and luckylegs the sun is shining here In Frinton

Exactly wendysue the thread title support for family members cut out of loved ones lives
Doesnt actually relate to the vile posts put on here by a handful over last few days.

I doubt it is even read by the little brigade of regular names that jump in if they see chance to try and troll and perhaps a couple swum over from mumsnet

They are the sort that would get a buzz out of vile comments and wow what a good idea let them start new thread to offer their "advice"

Off acquacise now. Enjoy day all?

SmilelessI hope you feel better and I've crossed everything I have for you. We spent the day cleaning out my in laws house. It had been up for sale for two and a half years. When the right person saw it she wanted it right away and came back the next day. So I hope your potential buyer was like ours and you sell quickly. It's so nerve wracking isn' t it?

For everyone on this post the bottom line is that most of us are estranged from our children. So the question has become if the estrangement is warranted. Unless you abused ( real abuse) or molested your child do the children have a right to take our grandchildren away from us? There is no laws here that states that say they can or can't. But there is a law in my state that says if you were part of your GC lives and their parents divorce or one dies, then you have a right to see that child.
For most of us though a conversation could have stopped the estrangement. But for the lurkers who come from the other forum( of which this Yank knows nothing of) I say this: Go back to your posts and tell those EC to quit whining and have a conversation with their parents. Quit blaming them for the way you turned out and take responsibility for your own actions. If you have a bone to pick with your parents don't retreat like a scared child. Have a conversation and be heard. But loose your sense of entitlement. Some of us have babysat like we are free unpaid childcare workers. We are not. We are your parents so show some respect and be thankful your children have grandparents to enrich their lives.

It only takes on does t it rhinestone likewise when we sold our last house 3 viewers last one wanted it had t even hoovered up?

I too hope head and cold bit better smileless

Oops will be late for my class

Yogagirl worried about you hope you will be ok