Daughter in law excludes me

Great idea to contact the "other" grand parents. Nothing to lose and much to gain?

I hope you get a visit with dgd soon. Everything does seem to change once they are at school even if there haven't been any problems before. I agree you could mention to your son that you miss seeing your dgd but not much more as your dil may choose to take this the wrong way. Do wonder if the other grandparents are going to find school collection every day, plus other childcare, heavy going after a while. Friends have mentioned that newly retired Dhs sometimes resent being tied to the 3 o'clock pick up every day.

I don't think there's a point contacting the other grandparents. Just say to your son 'it would be lovely to see everyone, it's been so long I'm missing you all' and arrange something.

It's not all down to the wife to arrange things. Unless he is working 24/7 365 days a year, he can make arrangements himself.
I understand he works hard and has a good job but she also has a good job as a teacher which takes lots of hard work outside school as well as school time.

Unless he is an emotionally abusive relationship and is being controlled, he is most likely just lazy and doesn't realise how you feel.

Hi Alyson
I felt so sad reading your post and my heart went out to you. One thing that crossed my mind was the possibility of you visiting on weekends. I would almost be tempted to develop a 'habit' of popping over on a Saturday or Sunday. Just give DIL a call and ask if it's OK to visit, all casual like. If it's not convenient then suggest the following weekend and keep going until she agrees. Be as nice as pie. I do believe that people get set in their ways and routines and they've just got used to you not being there. Be proactive and become part of their routine. You never know she might think you're happy with the situation. I love the idea of postcards /letters by the way. I wish you all the best. Let us know how you get on. Big hugs! Xx

I do think you have to hang on in there. Sometimes it takes a long time for relationships with our children's partners to shake down. It is only over time that we learn to appreciate each other's qualities.

Alison 24/7. My heart goes out to you. I have been estranged from my DIL for seven months. She tried to discredit DH and me to our son by telling him malicious lies (e.g we 'bullied and intimidated' her etc - I could go on and on......). DH and I are quiet, mild mannered people in our 70's and there is no way we would ever have put the relationship with our gorgeous only GC in jeopardy by doing the things we have been accused of. Fortunately, our son does not believe our DIL but of course that has put a strain on their relationship. I am very fortunate (and indeed very very grateful) that DS brings our DGC to visit us. Because she was angry with DS for not believing her lies, DIL decided to cut herself off from us. If I'm honest, DH and I can never trust her again and feel it better for our health (and sanity!) if the estrangement continues - strange as that may seem to some people!
It seems to me that there is now a generation of young women out there who feel it's perfectly OK to sideline their inlaws on a whim, insult and lie about them. I have had a great relationship with My MIL for over 40 years. Yes, there has been the odd tense moment and the odd cross word but she is my children's grandmother and I would be mortified if I ever thought I had upset her. Nowadays, it's apparently OK to be a complete bitch and get away with it without a backward glance. Sad. Alyson, could you try little by little, to get your son to understand just how much you are hurting, how much you miss your little granddaughter and that you would love it if he could bring her to visit for an hour or two one weekend. That really isn't too much to ask. Failing that, perhaps you could write a note (not email) to your DIL saying you miss your grandaughter and ask if you can 'pop over' for a short visit at a time convenient tomthe family.
Just wonder what the hell is going on with these DIL's...

Gosh I think I must be very lucky: my mum-in-law and I are really good friends! This is more surprising than it might initially seem because hubby is a fair bit younger than I am, and MIL is only 8 years older than me! Admittedly she was very suspicious of me when we first met, but I always understood why (in her place, I would have been too!), and went out of my way to make it very clear that I was genuine and not intending to cause harm. We are lucky enough to live 5 mins' drive from hubby's folks, and I have always encouraged him to have time there every weekend without me, so that they didn't feel had taken him from them. Hopefully this shows not all DILs are horrible!

its often nothing to do with the MIL,DIL would resent you who ever you are.Shes insecure and unstable,and just cannot accept any kind of competition.
It must get to a state of enough is enough,for sanity's sake.There must come a time when you think,OK,I can't do this any more,if ME isn't good enough,I can't do anything about it.I will step down,if you want me,you know where I am.Or something like that.
Remember,it's not you,it's her with the problem.

Alyson, so sorry you are being left out of your sons family life. Your DIL has the problem, what a very unkind thing she said to you about cutting the apron strings. However, your son rings you and obviously loves you, I wouldn't put any pressure on him, just keep it light so he wants to hear your voice. Sure you always ask him about your gd and dil, say you are so looking forward to seeing them all. Then keep your life as busy as you can and anything that happens is a bonus. I have found that is the best way, sometimes too much time on your own makes everything worse. Good luck.

alyson when children start going to school, all sorts of activities happen and grandchildren see less of their grandparents (usually less of son's parents). I don't know about you but I was always closer to my mum and dad than my in-laws (although we got on well) . My DIL always had holidays covered as she wanted to arrange things for the children to do to keep them occupied. I side with the group who says contact your DIL rather than your son. Why don't you tell your DIL that you really miss seeing your granddaughter now that she is at school and could you arrange to have her for a day or two during the school holidays. See what her reaction is. I wish you well

Try and talk! Perhaps invite them over for Sunday lunch? My dil who is estranged from my son has stopped us seeing my grandson and so I would give anything to have those lines of communication still open.

Smileless - I had to reply to your dil's comment about having only "child syndrome" and not being able to share.

I'm an only child and I'm not at all like that. She's just saying it to make her actions seem right.

It's not your position in a family that makes you act in certain ways but the sort of person you are.

Granfran and Glammabora - I think you're very wise to focus on what you do have instead of what you don't. I know that doesn't totally make up for that "empty space," though, and my heart is with you.

Smileless - Sounds like the changes in his life have taken a toll on ES, also, unfortunately... so sad...

Westie and hicaz - How lovely that you are appreciated! It's partly your own doing, of course, and partly the kind of DS and DIL you have. So kudos all around!

Westie, I hope DD's DH will be as involved a parent as she is. If so, then she may not need much other help. But if she does/they do, I hope the ILs will pitch in and that you won't find yourself resenting it (hard not to, sometimes, I know)

My DIL makes it very plain that her mum is superior in every way to me. They spend the lion's share of time with her and my DGD even tells me she loves the other granny more than me. DIL just looks smug when she says it.

You can't say a word really because the important thing is for my DS, DIL and DGC to have a happy family life. The danger of saying something is that you could make things worse for yourself and rock the boat for them.

I do struggle with it all but I try and concentrate on having a good life, my own friends and interests.

Keep on going and rise above it, is the advice I give myself.

If your GD ever says that to you again PP then smile and say 'That's OK (name) I still love you very much'.

I do agree about there being a change in the frequency of seeing GC once they start school. The children are no longer around during the day in the way they were. Maybe that is part of it. I hope you manage to organise to see them more often.