Was I 'over the top'

D1 rings on the way home from work most days and D2 rings if she needs something or something doing. I find out what's going on in her life via Twitter or FB. They're both busy so if I want to get in touch quickly I message my older GD (D1) because I know she's attached to her phone and message my youngest grandchild via her Mum's (D2) phone because the message gets read and my GD will text back. Once I'd showed her how to use the speaker to input I get lots of news that way and lots of emoticons as well.

My three are in three different time zones, so I find emails the most convenient way of keeping in touch. They (and I) can pick them up in our own time. Then I'll suggest a Skype, which is also difficult with timing. We usually manage. We also have Facebook pictures which help us to see that they are OK, and how the grandchildren are progressing. I suppose if you bring them up to be independent you can't complain when they are!

I've fallen in love with Whatsapp. If nothing else, I can see when the little whatsits were online - and therefore presumably alive - last; and I can leave a text message and see when it's read. Doesn't mean I'll get a reply, of course - but I know it's been seen, at least!

I sometimes spend hours wondering when is the best time to phone my two 50 year old sons. I hate it if I ring and they say 'can I call you back', wrong moment again! So I try and avoid phoning them. But I got a hint lately that it's always them that feel they have to ring me because I never ring them, I just can't win ..... :-(

Reading these, I realise my DS is not as bad a communicator as I thought. He lives in Germany now with partner and daughter, and I do miss them. However we Skype every fortnight and certainly once a month and email, and visit a couple of times a year. I know that on the whole I am lucky. DD is a wonder of communication mostly and we hear from her once a week.

I moved to live a long way from my family in the 80s and we always rang parents once a week usually on Sunday for a chat, and visited during school hols, but I know my parents missed us a lot. In fact, they made me feel very guilty, and my Dad still turns the thumbscrews occasionally, saying that now the children are grown we can move back. He can't really accept that my DH in particular does not want to. It makes me feel very torn. Perhaps this is how some of the children mentioned feel, but they react badly to the guilt they feel. I know that my DS has said quite explicitly that he doesn't want the sort of relationship that I have with my Dad, which he labels passive aggressive. Oh the wonders of kitchen sink psychology! All I would say, just a gut feeling, is never turn away your child's attempts to make amends or to get back in touch however irritated or upset you feel. It's not worth breaching your relationship with your children. I'm sure as they get older, they will come to a more mature appreciation of what these relationships really are, and how to value them properly. Especially when their own children do the same to them ?

Our daughter lives in the US and we have a fixed time every Sunday afternoon for a long chat on Skype with her, my son-in-law and the dog! Sometimes we involve our cats! We all enjoy the chat and a catch-up on what has been going on during the we week and sometimes we can rabbit on for an hour! If we think of anything we need to get in touch about during the week, we just e-mail. My son-in-law lost his real Mum fairly recently, so I have taken over as his substitute Mum!

My step-daughter and her family live in Denmark and one or other of us e-mails from time to time and they get back to us or they e-mail us just to let us know how they are getting on. My son-in-law's Mum sends us regular photos of the children.

We are so happy to be involved in their lives even though they are both abroad.

I only speak to my son about once a month. It all started when he went to Uni up North and I didn't want to invade his space, so left the calling to him. That was fifteen years ago and it works for us. If I need to speak to him that isn't a problem either

I think it's a man thing. All my friends with daughters speak to them lots, and my step daughter does long phone calls, but less frequently when things are going well. I rarely ring them, as I'm afraid of being a nuisance. I tend to email instead, but techno-etiquette seems to mean that they don't reply unless there's a specific answer needed, and even then, not always. I sometimes text my youngest with a tongue in cheek 'Remember me? I'm your mother'. It does hurt, but I try not to let it. I just occasionally wonder if I give up too easily though, and if it will be my fault if the family drifts apart.

My daughter regularly rings me but my son is a different matter. However, I know he and daughter in law are busy and both have jobs that involve unsocial hours. I send him a text to ask when we can FaceTime. He gets back to me eventually and we have a great time on FaceTime. Seems to work well.

DS2 rings me from his car - hands free. I was a bit apprehensive about this when he was on a long commute by road, but now it tends to be when he is driving locally and often with his DSs in the car, joining in the conversation. Other son keeps in touch and I ring him - if he's busy or swimming he will ring me back and have a chat.

I had similar problems with DD, we resolved it by me getting an iPad, we happily iMessage every day and talk whenever she has a spare hour. By doing this we have revitalised our relationship.

I think that due to the fact that I was divorced when my son was eight and my daughter five , meant for a long time there was just the three of us. So we've always been in touch. Also we love chatting on the phone. My son works from home, so on his way to collect his girls he'll call for a natter. Something will happen, we see something interesting, read something etc, we just have to tell each other. I'm now seventy one and on my own, so my children also phone to check up on me. I was horrified when a friend told me she goes for weeks not talking to her son.

I speak to daughter #1 on a Sunday morning but on her calling when she's given the kids breakfast and daughter #2 a couple of times a week but again usually on her calling. If I call she is generally in the middle of something and calls me back. Although we do text between the 3 of us during the week if anything crops up that needs a quick response also DD #2 and I are on FB. I mentioned once that the grown up children of a friend speak to her every day, and was
told it was about time they got a life!

I've four grown up children. The youngest and I speak about twice a week. The rest of them possibly once every 3 months. I don't know why i don't ring, I guess it's because the're too busy or have their own lives now.

From everyones responses I think I am very lucky as I speak to both my daughters on most days. Part of that is because I am always available to help with childcare and school pickup but I am lucky that both of them while being dearly loved daughters are also my friends.

It's difficult but I'd just leave it until he gets in touch I can go weeks before I hear from my eldest daughter yet my youngest and I speak or text most days some adult children just don't see the need to communicate as much and a few think they invented the phrase busy life.

That's so sad 12lampton34. I hope your daughters don't think that after losing their dad they are now losing their mum! I do agree that you've got to make you own life though. They would hate it if you were helpless and alone and they had to run after you all the time. You can't win really can you!?.

Yes it is a man thing ! I find if DS phones me he will chat away but not as much if I call him. Different with DD she will chat whenever!

Some remarks just ring so true! - Son answers phone with "What's up?" when I ring, as though only expecting to hear if something is up! DIL's family are forever on the phone/face time, so I feel reluctant to seem to be asking to be noticed or included by calling too frequently. I still feel hurt, even though I don't say anything.
Mostly their contact with me is initiated by them when they need something from me to help them out. S has always said let me know if you need anything doing, but DIL grumbles how she has loads of jobs for him that he doesn't get round to, so I am hardly likely to add to his list. I just pay tradesmen for things that are now beyond me!
Remember an actress saying, once you are widowed you are no longer first in someone's life - I am not widowed, but with a frail husband depending on me, his needs come first. A little spontaneous phone conversation would be so lovely...

I don't think you were over the top at all coolgran. It's just the way they make us feel. I'm the same with DS, he sometimes goes weeks without contact and just as I start worrying he usually facetimes us but I rarely contact him first, as he's always "sooo busy" which equates to ..can't be arsed. I rarely phone my DD but text often, as she never answers the phone! However I do see her most days, as i do the child care but wonder how often she would keep in touch if it weren't for that.

It's not just sons who don't communicate and daughters who do. We have 2DDs. The younger one has lived and worked all over and has now settled about 2-3 hours away. She has always "played her cards close to her chest" like my in laws so it must be genetic! She rarely rings just for a chat but sometimes rings while she's driving home which I'm not keen on so try to keep it brief-it's usually to make/confirm arrangements or something. She has kept in touch more since she married and produced our DGD. OUr elder DD has stayed locally and, as we are actively involved in child care, see a lot of her. She, too, is extremely busy being self employed but she makes the effort to keep in touch.
I have a friend with 2 DSs; one telephones her every morning and even goes away with her for a weekend every year despite being happily married with young children. I find that well over the top! She was an only one herself and the world does revolve around her but she doesn't see that at all-she is my dear friend, we just have to accept each other as we are don't we? We always say we have to stay friends in any event as we know too much about each other?

No, you didn't bombard him ! He's lucky to have a caring mama .
I feel rejected sometimes by mine - I texted my 2 daughters yesterday and didn't get a reply from either . Re-texted them today and got short replies - different story when they need me !
I'll probably see them all on Sunday and hear their news then !
Being a Mum's a funny old job !

I don't think you bombarded him either. If your DiL said he'd be back in half an hour, then assuming she told him she's said that, if he wasn't going to ring you when he got back, he should have let you know. So I don't see what was wrong in you following it up. He was out of order with what he said to you and a cheeky s*d. Glad you sorted it out, but next time he doesn't answer his mobile (remember he'll know it was you who called), either leave him a voicemail saying you'd love a chat when he's got the time, or send a text saying the same. I wouldn't ring the landline unless it's urgent. Then the onus is on him to make the time to call you. Cheeky s*d.

I hardly ever initiate a call with either of my sons (35 and 32). My mother, who suffered with depression, often used to phone three or four times a day - she was lonely and not coping well, and would often want me to drop everything and go over on my own. I felt very guilty, even though friends told me I should 'standup to her'. Remembering how I'd felt, I have never wanted to arouse the same irritation and guilt in my own children, so when it comes to phoning just for a chat, I have always let them make the first move (though of course I'll phone to confirm mutual arrangements). The two of them are very different in character, and the younger one phones very rarely. While he was spending two years in Japan teaching English after uni he emailed two or three times over that time, and his future mother-in-law in Colorado Springs had to put a little pressure on him to let us know that he and his fiancée had got engaged! In fact she and I, even before we'd met, had a little pact going to let each other have news of our respective offspring! But now he calls on birthdays and Mother's and Father's Days, and now and again at other times too, and we always enjoy our conversations. Our older son often calls us or texts us, and we find ourselves having a complete conversation by text, including pictures of his dinner or his partner's cupcakes (she is a pastry chef and they have opened a little shop). Neither of then has changed since they were babies in that respect - the older one has always been more communicative and maybe a bit needier and the younger one more self sufficient.

But of course they both get in touch pronto if they need something. And we did hear straight away when our grandchildren were born.

PS I hope I haven't committed a heinous sin by not using the traditional acronyms - I don't find then very helpful and Keep forgetting to use them. I'd rather just make sure I don't name anyone. Let me know if this is unacceptable.

I don't think you were over the top I have only seen my youngest son once in four years (after a big family problem caused by daughter in law) he does telephone occasionally now but conversation always a bit tense we speak to our other son every week and we also receive texts and e_mails from him
In between so I do feel blessed to have him. Grown up children don't realise how much they hurt you.