Fear I have lost them

When I look back and the different situations in the family, I like you worried too much and wanted everything to be right. I now realise, too late, it is best to just take a back seat, keep the lines of communication open, enjoy your life with your husband because nothing is solved by overthinking. Your grandson does not dislike you, just hadn't got to know you that well, but in time he will. I get on well with my dil when I see her, rarely, I phone her now and then, she never ever rings me. Any invitations I offer are refused and she doesn't invite me. I have had to accept it. When we meet she throws her arms round me and we hardly stop talking, she is so affectionate, she says she can talk to me better than her own mom, but I would love more contact especially as I am on my own now, I know however if I pushed it, it would cause conflict, so I settle for what I have, which is little proper contact.
I do hope you can realise that you have done nothing wrong and give it time.

Having now read the link, it was quite unanimous wasn't it!

Well done for taking the advice.

I think Luckylegs9 post is a good one.

My grandson is three, and is just warming to me. I don't see him often and each time it's like I'm a stranger. Now he comes to give me a hug and I feel like all the stars in the sky have lit up! I've always believed that you should back off from children. They come to you when they are ready.

NellBu you are not alone in this feeling of being left out. Can I just say that we're all in this game for the long term.

I think for many of us, grandparenting isn't what we thought it would be. Don't we imagine that things will just be a broadening continuum of what our family relationships have always been? And sometimes it works out that way.

But often it's not like that. There's a whole new dynamic going on and we have to learn over again where we fit in. Sometimes that's not an easy transition, and we're not at all sure why. It's usually not anyone's fault, just that the offspring are finding their feet in new circumstances.

As others have advised, don't beat yourself up, and take it nice and slowly...

I'm sure your grandson doesn't hate you NellyBu, but can imagine how hurtful this situation is for you. There does seem to be a fair amount of tension in the adults relationships, even when it's not discussed, which he may pick up on, and it could affect his mood. Just keep being there and receptive to any advances he makes, it will improve.

NellyBu, I didn't see your first post, but I do understand how you feel. I am in much the same position with my son, DIL and 2 year old grandson. The other grandma is asked to be much more involved than I am. The main difference is that I get on very well with her; she shares photos, anecdotes etc with me. I've been able to talk with her a little about the difference and she said, rightly or wrongly, that it's natural for a daughter to go to her own mum, rather than mum-in-law, which seems sort of understandable to me. I know you don't see the other grandma, but the same situation might apply in your case.
My solution, such as it is, is to accept the way things are (incredibly difficult), send the odd present, knitted goody etc and phone every so often for a chat. I don't get much of a 'chat' from any of them, but at least that way they can't say that I don't make the effort.

Good luck. I really hope it works out for you. I'm hoping that, in both our cases, as long as the GS knows we exist (and they clearly do), they will ask about us and want to see us, when they're old enough to do so. Babies are just babies and can take against people for no obvious reason. Maybe 'take against' is the wrong phrase, but one of my sons wouldn't go near his granddad and we worked out it was because he had a beard. Didn't last though, only through babyhood and then he loved him, beard and all.

xx

Along with all the other good advice you've had, do get yourself some interest outside your home and work. This will help to keep your outlook to your son and dil in balance, and give you other things to think about. You will also meet new people and, once your family sees you are no longer focussed on them, maybe they will relax more. I'm sure I haven't put this very well, and I hope you realise that I really do feel for you but, whilst we all love our children and grandchildren to bits, you and DH also have lives of your own apart from them. Give it a go!

NellieBu please don't think the following is directed at you, personally. It's merely anecdotal but some may identify with it:

My mother hated her mother-in-law and never missed an opportunity to badmouth her in front of us although she was polite to her face. My dad wouldn't have put up with anything less. She called her interfering, at best! Both my sister's went on to have similar relationships with their mothers-in-law. Hardly surprising! I count myself lucky that my own mother-in-law and I liked and respected each other from the start but it was a minor miracle considering what my mother's influence might have been. My late husband was an only child/son too!

As a mother-in-law myself (to my daughter's husband) I am really careful not to tread on my son-in-law's toes. I told him, when he married my daughter, that if I stepped out of line he must tell me to back off! He was polite enough to express doubt that it would ever happen. ?

I also have two sons (yes, I am the mother of sons!) so there is the potential for two daughters-in-law. That may be much shakier ground! I will try to remember my dear mother-in-law's calm acceptance of me as the important person in her only son's life. She and my father-in-law doted on our three children but never assumed anything. They always asked.

I wonder what kind of relationship your daughter-in-law's mother had with her own mother-in-law, NellieBu.

Phew! What a lot of typing, but I hate translating all the D this and D that initials. My family are all D to me without reiterating it constantly....but that's a different thread entirely! ?

Retro lady, I hope your response have been as helpful to NellieBu as it has to me. My DiL and I get on okay when together, never had an argument. I used to think she was great before the children. As a young couple,they lived with us twice in between homes and we never interfered and left them to their lives. Now in retirement we have moved near them but we are barely permitted time with the children other than what enables their work schedules and chauffeuring from school and activities. They are not allowed to stay over and no-one will say why. We get duty visits on such as Mother's Day then they go off to big family parties with her family. Our younger son is severely disabled so we cannot provide aunties, uncles and cousins. Her own parents are far more involved and I am having to learn that we are the second class grandparents. We get on very well with her parents. We are making progress in accepting things as they are but just wish she had been able tell us before we moved. They actually encouraged us to move near but we could have gone somewhere a bit further away but much cheaper and more interesting to us.

I have a 5 year old Granson who I love dearly. I live nearly 300 miles away from and only get to see for a week every few months when I stay with my daughter. They recently went on holiday and when they came back my daughter called me for a catch up. In the background I could hear my gs excitably wanting to tell nanny about his holiday ....... ahhh........ until when I spoke to him and he realised it wasn't the ' right ' nanny ! My soil's mother lives in the same town and of course he sees her all the time. I wasn't too upset as when I stay with them for that week at least, I'm the favoured nanny. Children are understandably fickle.

Having just read through BOTH threads I am aghast that you would even consider "seeing any benefit yet." So many posters have given you wonderful, considered and sound advice. In reality I think you need to try and build a life away from this situation. Your DIL may never develop the sort of romantic relationship you dream of. Your grandson, however will ultimately make up his own mind as he grows older. Provided you do not try and control its development

Have experienced similar situations with DIL and the two little grandsons. I seemed to be closer to them when they were babies/ toddlers though, especially the older one whom I often took care of and took out for adventures while DIL was looking after the baby. Now that they're older however, I feel a bit cut out of their lives. The whole family, including the other granny, are obsessed with computer games. The boys prefer going to the other granny's house because she has 'cool games' or staying at home where they and DIL all play Minecraft together. Other granny also has two grownup sons living with her, whom they hero worship, whereas I'm on my own. I offer to take the boys swimming or to the park but am often told that the family is going to have a 'chill out day', which Is DIL speak for 'a day when everyone keeps their pyjamas on all day and plays computer games.'
So, as people on here have advised, I have developed other interests. I'm even in a new relationship (!) which I said would never happen a few years ago when my lovely DH died, but that's another story.
I loved my own very sweet MIL who died last year but have to accept that the DIL and MIL relationship is often not straightforward and nowadays I just accept that I am second best granny but still loved , and I get on with my own life but am always there when needed.

Have you heard the saying , A daughters a daughter for the rest of her life, A son a son until he takes a wife .That's the change , it's hard but true. You have to take a back seat , even when it comes to your grandson . You should put your energy into your relationship with your husband , have some fun , do things that you couldn't do because you had a young family to raise. So many mothers our age know how you feel , trust me we do, especially when it comes to our sons . We love them dearly and always will , but they have there lives just like we had ours at that age. Let your son , wife and grandson get on with it ,enjoy your life , you may just be surprised , they will come to you when you least expect it .

I am closer to my DiL in many ways than to my daughter. But then we've been through a lot together.

While I agree with being more relaxed about it I do think that saying is a load of rubbish! It is to do with personalities and not genders.

Leticia, do you have sons, daughters or both? I have sons and have found the old saying very true.

Just to say agree with everyone saying do do your own thing. Its hard to take what small children do and say sometimes and I think from around 10 months they can be wary of everyone but mum and dad until about 18months to 2 years. I agree also with Blinko .

My only gc is from my son. Since he first met his wife we have been the parents who have been "the chosen ones". We used to see them every day for many years and have spent holidays with them. DDiL 's parents are good friends with us and I know that the mother, who had a difficult MIL, is glad that her daughter has a better relationship. I think of DDiL as the daughter I never had and a good companion. We have much in common. Over the years we have taken dgs to and from school, babysat many times. I also do the cleaning and gardening ( I am actually her fairy godmother-in-law!). It is a win-win situation.

So I agree with Leticia. It's not about gender.

In any battle between DIL and MIL DIL will win. Your son has to (and will want to) support his wife, she has her own family and her child (maybe children soon) and they will be a unit and if you can't make peace it will be your loss. All the advice about backing off is incredibly sensible - lots of wise women on GN. What does your DH say - he must have a point of view on it and as I understand it everyone gets on with him. Patience and biting your tongue are surely the key. Good luck - you have a big heart but perhaps you need to engage your brain a bit more before you speak.

Read both threads, Nelly - Wow. There's a lot to come back from. Your relationship with DIL may never be perfect but, IMO, it can get better. It may take a long time though.

I get that you are used to the idea of helping other family members and having them help you. Kudos to you for being able to both give and accept help! That's beautiful, IMO!

Now you have to learn that your DILs are different than you and that's ok. They are probably the product of their personal histories just as you are of yours.

Ok, there's also the matter of personality. You seem to be a very social, extroverted person. YDIL sounds more private and introverted. Reading up on the differences between introvert and extrovert might help you understand her more.

Regardless, I'm glad you took the advice to back off. It must not have been easy for you.

But (sigh) it may take way longer for DIL to fully trust this change in you. Be patient.

Also, she MIGHT be waiting for an apology for your past errors, even if you do it through YDS. You owe him one, also, I think for refusing to listen to him.

(((Hugs)))

As for GS, he MIGHT be feeling your anxiousness to be involved with him and that might be putting him off. You can't help how you feel, of course. But the advice about having a jingly object might make you more interesting to him.

Another thought... try to ignore/not to look at him (if you can do this) until/unless he comes to you.

It may feel as if you're disappearing when you take a "back seat." But rest assured, as another poster said, DS and DIL know you're there and there for them if they need you.

I'm sorry that ODS and YDS "talk at" you. But my guess is they're telling you what's bothering them/their wives and what needs to change. Please listen.

Oh my goodness, what a mess.

Nelly, I am sad for you, but you are making a massive drama with yourself at the emotional heart of it all....and it is making things worse.

To think your little grandson 'hates' you is - as everyone has explained - is totally wrong. Just back off, be happy and smiling and patient, and it will help you to stop feeling so aggrieved and hard done by. Jealousy and resentment of the other grandparents is fuelling your negative feelings.

You really will lose them if you continue, I think.

There have been so many replies, I didn't think I would get anymore. Thank you everyone.

I know that I haven't behaved well in the past. I have been described as interfering by others in the past and it is something I am working on.

I suppose I just hoped that they would see this and things would improve quickly. It never occurred to me this would be a slow process, naive of me I'm sure.

My grandson is growing so quickly and I just feel sad at what I miss. My son and daughter in law talk about his interests and all the milestones he is achieving and I just wish I could see them.

My husband is upset by how little we see our grandson but he tries not to show it. He did lose his cool at Christmas when it looked like we may not see them but for the most part he just lets things be.

He is always telling me to leave things alone and let people get on with their lives.

If have sons Blinko and stick with it being a load of rubbish. I also base it on having 2 brothers and it certainly doesn't ring true with us - or with my husband who has a brother. It is personalities and a shame it gets spouted.

Your husband is right Nellybu otherwise you risk losing them altogether.