Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

yeah, you love(d) them, but not, apparently, enough to not put their privacy and safety at risk for the sake of your own agenda.. so surprising they're NC it really is….

Made me laugh again Jinglebells
dinner calls, back to read last page later....

Yogagirl they came, and I cooked the dinner, and seeing them tucking into it with relish has got to be one of the best things in this world.

And I am so sorry for anyone who doesn't get that priviledge.

Sorry I should have said before, that I know the other posters on 'our' estrangement page, love their adult C too, want them back and would and have done everything to stop this alienation. None of us have ever said we hate our AC, but we do hate what they have allowed to happen, instigated by their partners & their partners family.

Notanan your talking about after the fact [being NC]

notanan so that everyone knew how they had been treated!" this last line was added. I said I do not mind being identified as I have done nothing wrong, the whole of our family know the story, and if my s.i.l & his mother have done no wrong, then they wont mind either.

CherryTree you are a good person and have certainly earned your Angel wing

I said I do not mind being identified as I have done nothing wrong, the whole of our family know the story, and if my s.i.l & his mother have done no wrong, then they wont mind either.

Jesus.
It's not abou you. And whether you think you've done anything wrong or not.
It's about the children and their digital safety and privacy!
Can't you put the children first over your own righteousness! If this kind of thing is typical of your behavour then this might be a wee insight into the NC decision.

As for ILs and partners turning adult kids against parents. Sometimes it takes experiencing a normal family dynamic to really be able to see your own family for what it is. So obviously some NCs will coincide with a good normal, peaceful, healthy relationship with a partner or new ILs

Sugarpuff

None of us have ever said we hate our AC, but we do hate what they have allowed to happen

There have been numerous discussions about "never forgiving" the adult children
And using any potential future contact with the GCs to get "their side" across to the GCs, rather than using it to enjoy their company and perhaps try and be on the same side as the parents if there's any future contact, it's all about undermining the parents to the GCs and potentially causing problems for them with their own parents by dragging up he "us Vs them" dynamic by using the contact to try to get them on side?. Nobody who loved their GCs in a healthy way would wish that for them!

Lovely post Wendysue Thank you for your insight

Excellent post Smileless, as always

Notanan
No one has every said; ^ using any potential future contact with the GCs to get "their side" across to the GCs,^ you said that not us! Anyway notanan, you picked a very apt name, as when your C grow and look on you as the perfect mother you proclaim to be, they will think, 'now how did mother treat our grandparents, oh yes, she cut them out, so let's be as good a mother as ours was, and do the same to her, cut her our, NC!'

I hope my children do learn that they don't have to stay in unhealthy relationships no matter who with.

Like many posters on that thread, you sound almost gleeful at the prospect that your own GCs may some day make the difficult decision to have to end a close family relationship with their own parents. How can they claim to love their grandchildren whilst appearing to wish that upon them? Why would it please you if they found themselves in a position where they felt they had to do that?

The only possible answer is that your desire to "win" and avenge your adult children is stronger than your care for your grandchildren!

Todays pages do in fact (with on exception I admit) discuss just that - using future contact to highlight to the GCs how the GPs disagree with the parents!

notanan

Sorry to say but your 'pronouncements' are not strictly accurate.

People don't walk away from good relationships only bad ones

Oh, but they do - and live to regret it. I have first hand experience.

My first husband announced he was leaving on the day we returned from a spell of working abroad. He decided that he wanted a 'new life' after we'd been married four years. And then he was gone. He had never communicated to me that he'd felt like that. They were desperate times for me. He was the love of my life. A year later he contacted me full of regret, and said that he hadn't realised how happy we were together until he had spent time without me. He'd thought he was going to find a better life but realised that was just a fantasy. It was all too late for me as I could not have gone through the pain if he ever did it again. It was a good relationship - but he just didn't see it at the time.

I sometimes say I'll kill my husband !! Sometimes I've even checked out the patio to see how much room I have !!

But it's just words, letting off steam. It's neither true nor will it happen .

So I think notanan that when people say they'll ' never forgive their estranged adult children' it's exactly the same thing.

NO mother would ever wish to be estranged from her child no matter what , and I for one, cannot imagine the pain and heartache both sides go through . So if that pain makes them lash out online, with words, to like minded souls who understand where they are coming from I see no harm in that.

Neither you nor I can know what happens in a family , we can only apply our own exp Irene's which might or might not have any relevance. So , perhaps you might want to be a little compassionate because who knows what the future holds for your own family. It's not a situation anyone would wish to experience I'm sure.

It's not just words Nannaandgrampy

some of them are actively collecting files of evidence against the parents to present to the GCs (some even after their deaths via a solicitor) to try to get "their side of the arguement" over to the grandkids. To try to prove to these children that they claim to love that their parent's are bad guys who make bad decisions.

THIS is what they want to focus on if they see their GCs again, not building bridges, not moving forward, not trying to re-join the family as a cooperative unit! NO! they want to use the children as part of their revenge against their adult children.

If this is their overriding desire if/when they get to see those GCs, they do not love those children. If they loved them they would wish for a more peaceful future family life for them than they have themselves had in the past with their own children.

Well said Yogagirl. She is notanan

Walk A Mile In My Shoes, eh?

On a different note - I could have gone NC with my mum and step dad (a violent bully with a gambling addiction) but I didn't because I loved my mum. I just saw very little of them after I went off to work overseas, but I still kept in contact with mum.
I could have found every excuse in the book to cut her out of my life for allowing my stepdad to treat me and my siblings like he did. But loves a funny old thing. It forgives.

Again Notanan your words not mine, I have never said; almost gleeful at the prospect that your own GCs may some day make the difficult decision to have to end a close family relationship with their own parents I have never said that!!

Same happened to me Fairydoll My husband walked out on us, left us in a foreign country without money, our C were 3,6 & 9, left as he wanted to be a bachelor again!

I disagree with you notanan .

For instance, my sisters son and his wife got an acrimonious divorce and solely to pay him back ( her own words) she cut our entire side of the family out of his life. His father was a complete muppet which we all agree on but all my sister and her husband wanted was to be part of that little boys life.

They haven't seen him now for 6 years, presents got returned so they stopped sending but they didn't stop loving him.

They keep a memory box for him in case he ever tries to find them when he is older. IF he asks why they didn't love him or see him what would you have them say?

Gloss over it and move on? Their hearts are broken and they understand they may never see him but if they do and he asks the question, they have copies of the begging letters they sent, the court visits the solicitor letters that they used to try and find a way to see him and support his mother.

I don't think it is unfair to present both sides of a story to which he has only been privy to half of. I don't think that's loving them less. Luckily for me , I love my children and they love me, but when I see my sisters tears and I KNOW they did NOTHING to bring about the estrangement I see there are two sides to every story.

But loves a funny old thing. It forgives

hmm, not a lot of that towards the adult children on the estranged thread though is there, just lots of chat about how they're gonna get "their side" of the arguement to the GCs, and how their AC will see how it feels in the future when their children can go NC with them (almost hopefully)

Yep, just try to show a little compassion and understanding notanan
You seem utterly determined to put a guilt trip on some of the grans who come together on that thread to give each other support.

don't think it is unfair to present both sides of a story to which he has only been privy to half of.

my children have not been privy to half of the sorry business, I went NC to SAVE them from witnessing any of it, what would be the point in that if then I spent their childhood putting them in the middle of it anyway with "my side"

I talk about "my side" to my friends and partner and MNers. I am saving the children from the damaging effects of adults bitching by going NC

Yet you think it would be okay for a GP to spend any future contact putting them right back in the middle of it by telling them "their side" - the arguement should not involve the kids, it should be between me and them! If they have anything to say about my decision they should say it to me and not drag the kids into it..

I would have liked to think that any future contact would be about moving forward and building a cooperative dynamic so that the children aren't part of any nastiness.. but the GN thread makes me think that hope is fruitless!

Nana&Gramps hope I don't read about you in the papers next week lol.
I actually do mean I will never forgive my estD, but that does not mean I do not want to reconcile with her, because I do, more than anything in the world. It doesn't mean I don't want to love her again, like I did for 23yrs, because I do more than anything, but I can never forget or forgive what she has done to us all, the only ones that are happy is her husband and his mother. My daughter isn't happy, she is on anti-depressants!