Nasty thread on Mumsnet about a Gransnet thread

They would all forgive their adult kids in an instant if they were to walk through the door.

A memory box I have no problem with nannaandgrampy, if it's little collected trinkets and sort of a timecapsule so that the GCs can know who they are

That's not what what I'm refering to, I'm refering to "evidence" of old past arguments to show "their side" - why would that be a good thing for the children to see from either side?

Well said Nana&Gramps good post. for your dear sister.

They would all forgive their adult kids in an instant if they were to walk through the door.

Is that before or after they make the children tools used against the AC by presenting them with their files of "evidence" of "their side" of the arguement?

notanan I'm talking about when they are adults. Not bringing children into anything .

I take it you feel that having brought your children up at some stage they will be allowed to make their own decisions? And that might be finding out out why there is a family rift.

They MIGHT heal that rift you don't know.

You talk a fine talk about cooperative dynamic but somehow your words sound hollow. You see your side quite clearly but seem unable to even admit there is another side to any conflict.

You talk about going NC as your choice which clearly affects your children whether positively or negatively. And it affects your parents? Or parents in law?

So is it not possible , in the future , if your parents are still alive that your children might want the whole story, not coloured by your emotions ?

I know my sister clings to the hope she will meet her little grandson that she cherished again. Not to bad mouth his mother but to assure him that he is always in their thoughts . I really don't see how that can negatively impact anyone , let alone an adult.

Unfortunately NannaandGrampy I made the mistake of giving too many second chances, and as a result my children witnessed some of the reasons for themselves before going NC. And one of them remembers and was traumatised by it.

I am very sorry to them that I didn't remove them from the situation sooner.

If they ask us about it, we explain as best we can, factually and unemotionally (if I'm feeling emotional about it I talk to my friends NOT my kids), we don't assign blame or try to get them "on side'. I explain that sometimes relationships make adults unhappy, and they chose to leave them. I don't say "WELLL, check out this email I've prined off and filed, they said X then I said Y and they're wrong and I'm right"

I had kinda hoped that if they asked the GPs would take the same approach. I'm less hopeful of that having read "the other side"

Is this getting anyone anywhere. You're missing the Queen's party on ITV.

Notanan You fail to see your C as their own souls, who have an absolute right to know the truth. When they become adults, they will seek out their family history and they will question you as to why they were deprived of their loving grandparents.

Your right Jinglebells I'm off to the Party

Oh dear notanan you sound very, very embittered. Scouring the posts to see what you can pull out and dissect.

Get some rest now, you'll feel better in the morning and everything might turn out well for you. I do hope so.....

Is this getting anyone anywhere

sadly not I don't think, I read the thread on here hoping for some light in the tunnel.. but was shocked at what I found on there. I'm glad that some posters have said that that thread is… a particular niche of estranged GPs and not as typical as it appears… maybe there is some… softening and hope… but reading that thread made me feel the total opposite.

Its depressing, especially since the thread posters who lurk on MN have little to say about the EC support threads except how boring they are.

I don't find the one on here boring, how could I! Whatever I found on there, good or bad, I'm at least trying to make sense of it all, not writing any other POV off as "boring"

You sound rather worried about the future notanan

Notanan You fail to see your C as their own souls, who have an absolute right to know the truth. When they become adults, they will seek out their family history and they will question you as to why they were deprived of their loving grandparents

There is a difference between imparting fact
And arguing "your side"

One is helpful to the recipient, the other is using them against your "opponent"

I'm sad that the GN posters are more interested in doing the latter than the former if//when they have contact again

Ha ha jingbellsfrocks - I came on here to miss the Queens party, but DH is watching. Poor old gal, I bet she just wants to get home and get her head down.
Reckon old Philip has made a few wry comments.

Got to admire the pair of them.

Oh, probably get vilified now for saying that...

Of course I'm worried about the future. I have children and I want them to have a happy peaceful life!

And if there's someone out there wishing for otherwise like the Estranged thread posters.. yes, that's very worrying

I must go to bed now.

I have two men coming in the morning. I'll never cope!!

(tradesmen, Notanan - I'm not a grandma hooker!) Please don't repost on MN!!

aww sounded exciting till I read the last sentance!

Final post from me .... Whatever you think notanan please don't group the whole of GN posters in one box. We are a diverse group of opinionated, experienced, kind, sarcastic, knowledgable women that have lived long productive and very very different lives !

What one poster may experience and speak about is hugely unlikely to be what the next one experiences. We are not all the same thank god because it's what makes us differs helps us support each other whether you agree with their thoughts or not.

Support not condemnation .

I hope your estrangement has a happy ending sometime in the dim and distant future .

estrangement is the happy ending nannaandgrampy, I just hope that whatever love there is on the other side, if any, extends to not trying to shatter the peace we have at last build for the children, if a little too late (should have NCed before they were born so they had a peaceful happy experience of family from the start)

I have always appreciated that the estranged thread is NOT typical of wider GN, which seems like a great place.. but the tone on the estranged thread here seems pretty unanamous generally

That thread does not reflect the opinions of the majority on GN.
I would never allow such a situation to arise in my family, a mother's love is unconditional and she should be able to back down and forgive, beg forgiveness even do back flips if that is what it takes.

a mother's love is unconditional and she should be able to back down and forgive, beg forgiveness even do back flips if that is what it takes

That's not how NC usually comes about though
Its not that there's been a disagreement, and nobody has "backed down" and said sorry, so everyone is just being stubburn and waiting for the other one to crack.

That's not the case for any of the MN posters I've come across

Usually its because the relationship is unhealthy, it's not over one single point or arguement or disagreement…

So what could my mother beg forgiveness for except being herself? What good is that? is she going to not be herself from now on? no. So what use would that apology be? It wouldn't mean it would suddenly become a safe healthy family dynamic that he kids could re-engage with.

nobody needs to "back down" there is nothing to back down from. We didn't fall out over whether to serve duck or turkey for christmas. I just ended a destructive cycle. Left an unhealthy relationship.

If someone leaves a partner after an unhealthy relationship.. nobody needs to "back down", it doesn't matter if the partner apologised at that point does it? Going back isn't always the best outcome!

Agreed there's not been in my own experience or in those of others both on mn and in really life that have been sadly forced to make this decision for their own emotional safety and that of their children ONE incident.

There may have been one straw that broke the camel's back.

But personally I've had it all my life and I'm now in my 40's. My family deny quite blatantly even clear incidents of abuse as well as the general dysfunction that was always there.

Also agree that wishing a dysfunctional and possibly abusive family on your own grandchildren is deeply disturbing.

That going NC has been and is for many 'the happy ending'.

What's really sad and depressing, is that GN on this issue is being represented by posters who discourage other viewpoints or opinions that disagree with their own, who refuse to even consider there may have been even one thing that they have done wrong.

I too left an unhealthy relationship. I don't regret it, at the moment I don't want to repair it, I want to be left alone to get on with my own life.

MNers are only young yet, mostly, and so do not have our years of experience behind them. They are most likely mums to little children and they also do not have the influence or balance of dads on that website. It is all women and we all know how women can be when they get together. I for one, have mellowed over the last few years but I did use to be very forthright in my arguments and views. Now I don't care about some things as much as I've learned that I have so much else to focus on.

Also, they are in the throws of being mums to these young children and will in no way think that they could, in turn, turn their backs on their own parents. Maybe some will, then they may know the pain of what GP's on here are going through. And even then, some of these mums might not have done anything wrong apart from loving them and trying their best for them. Sometimes we have given too much.

I meant the young children turn their back on the mums on MN as they grow up or become adults themselves.

Wow! So younger people and 'well you know what women are like'

Internalised misogyny and ageism in one post!

As for giving too much...certainly not true in my family.