Difficult relationship with daughter

Just want to add, if you do reach out to DAU, I don't think you should mention wanting to see GD, just yet, as she might think that's the only reason you're contacting her. It may be hard to hold back on asking to see GD and on trying to explain yourself, but I'm very sure you have a better chance with just apologizing briefly and simply.

Meanwhile, glad you now have a supportive partner! You deserve that kind of love and support!

What you need to do and indeed will learn to do Vintage, is step far enough away so that you can act with integrity. Your first priority is to your own emotional and mental wellbeing, which sounds as though this is now being supported by a kind partner.
You are right to tell your daughter how you feel, it's the only way she's going to know when you are hurting. Obviously there's a way to do this, calmly is generally best.

I have found that one way to express any repressed feelings is not to bother too much trying to explain them to deaf ears or those people who have hurt us, but to release them in other, more beneficial ways. I'm a published author but I also do another job which allows me to be highly creative. If you look at ways to turn ugliness into beauty, light into dark through your work or some other form, you will soon start to heal and bloom.
Your daughter has learned to treat you from how she's seen others treat you. But if she's getting counselling, hopefully she will change in time.
For now, work on you. xxx

This has been going on for the last 2yrs Wendysue and I've broken down in front of my daughter on more than one occasion, saying how sorry I am for the past and how I live with the guilt every single day of my life, but I can't change it. I tried let's try and move on and think of the last five years that we became close and build on it. I don't think I can keep saying sorry when she knows how devastated and sorry I feel about the past. I have also asked her brother how he felt as he has had exactly the same up bringing from me but not from his father and he has said my daughter is out of order. Because his eyes he always had food on the table, clean clothes, warm clean bed to sleep in and I was always there to take them here, there and everywhere. In actual fact he was very much rejected as a child by his father and later when he got to 17 he was cut out of his dad's life and has never spoken to him since. Whereas my daughter was put on a pedestal by her father and I have always been there for her. I could write a book about my life with my ex and parents.
I did try yesterday to talk to her calmly and I yet again got a load of abuse like " stop being the victim it's boring" "listen to yourself ffs (swearing)" so I'm not prepared to try again. I have told her that I love her and always have and when she is ready to talk I'll be here. I feel I can no longer do anymore than that. Sadly my daughter has changed so much since she got married I suppose we all do and in many ways it's for the better and I'm pleased. But when I find out from my upset DIL that my daughter's husband says it's ok for my daughter to keep punishing me, I begin to wonder how much of this punishment is through him as I've been divorced 16 yrs nearly and its only been the last 2yrs that things have gone terribly wrong with my daughter. I also don't think my mother has helped as she is feeding my daughter and competing with me. It's not supposed to be a competition or is it! When she did call and said she didn't want to fall out with me, all I said to her calmly was I was just hurt and again I got a load of abuse. I'm in my 50's and feel like I am being bullied, abused and controlled by her and I so need to remove myself from this situation otherwise it's going to kill me. I will miss my GD terribly but I see no other option until my daughter is ready herself. Thank you so much for your advice and hugs. X

Vintage, your daughter isn't communicating herself to you in a constructive way, she's dumping her anger on you hence it's now a bullying situation. You are doing the right thing by stepping away. It might get even more tense because your family have become used to treating you in this way so they may object to you trying to set boundaries and change. But you don't need anyone's permission to free yourself from this kind of treatment. You're in charge of the volume.
Hopefully your daughter will realise she has to speak to you properly. It may take a while before she can see things differently but she will evolve too. It's doing no harm to pull the shutters down and make yourself unavailable for a while.
Also, you don't need to defend of explain yourself. xxx

You are absolutely right Nina about my daughter learning to treat me the way others have treated me. This has been ultimately learnt from her father as he use to mentally and physically abuse me and my son, but put my daughter on a pedestal. I in turn tried to protect my son from his father and didn't need to protect my daughter as she was safe. This has been interpreted as me favoritising my son when all I was doing was protecting him. At the time I didn't have the courage to leave him as I was so scared. I waited until I finally built the courage with the help from my doctor to leave him. I also think my daughter is worried as my son and his partner are having their first baby next week. I think she believes I will favouratise my new grandchild. This is absolutely ridiculous as I adore my little granddaughter and I will always treat them exactly the same, I feel so blessed having two little treasures.So I don't think the up and coming birth is helping my daughter either. I do feel so much better today and have smiled again.

I do agree with you Wendysue about not asking to see my GD. I definitely wouldn't as want to make sure things are better between myself and my daughter before I would contemplate asking to see my GD.

Thank you x

I agree with * Wendysue * it's worth one more approach before you back away. You don't say how old your daughter's baby is, could she be struggling with post natal depression?

You acknowledge that your childhood has caused you lots of problems in later life, your daughter's childhood also sounds troublesome so, presumably she is coping with similar problems. Have you tried going to family counselling together?

Maggiejane I have thought about family counselling many times but my daughter has always refused. I was going to suggest it again yesterday if she spoke to me. But until she does speak to me I can't ask her. I don't want to appear desperate to her as she will thrive on that, she is a clever girl so picks on your weaknesses and turns them into strengths for her. I know I sound awful with what I'm saying, but if you knew her you would understand where I'm coming from, she has had a good teacher in her father. I sadly was a weak parent because I had my strength knocked out of me by my ex husband. I don't think she has post natal depression but reactive depression, I also don't think she is truly fulfilled in her marriage either, she has never said that its just me looking in from the outside.
How many times can I keep saying sorry and how many times do I allow her to keep bullying, abusing and controlling me. I have to have some self worth its not acceptable behaviour in my book. If it does continue it will kill me in the end. But this is my personal opinion and of course everybody thinks different. My childhood was awful but I have dealt with it by having 9 months of counselling and now I can actually speak to my parents and don't have any feelings of hurt. I'm not sure I will ever have a full blown heavy relationship with them but at least I can be in their company at family gatherings without feeling uncomfortable. I can honestly say I never envisaged being in this position with my own flesh and blood. I feel very sorry for my daughter but I can only help her understand if she'll allow me to support her. But this isn't going to happen anytime soon.

Vintage, I've repeatedly tried for 10 years. Nothing changed.Now I've discovered freedom. I've also found long lost relatives who had also been cut off so I've reinvented the word 'family'. I am over the mood swings, the blame, the not speaking, being sworn at, the Christmases, birthdays, mothers days where I make all the effort but it isn't returned, the building bridges one more time only for them to be detonated, the broken promises, 'oh yes, I definitely want this to work as long as its my way or the high way', the 'one more time' or 'this is your last time to redeem yourself', (remind who speaks to anyone, never mind their mum, like this)????? Answer? A fool. Reclaim your life Vintage. By rejecting your daughters treatment of you, you are teaching her to value and respect you instead of how she's learned from her father. Xx

I typed the above on an iPad so please forgive the errors. No one should speak to anyone in such a way. I hope you can set new boundaries Vintage. When you've tried for so long, sometimes your only option is to step outside of the problem and move in a new direction. Nothing cuts the bond, but you need to be free of any emotional abuse or at least make it clear that you no longer will allow it. X

If you really must, do as Wendysue suggested and send one more e mail, but please stop being a victim, you shouldn't have to take it, you did the best you could at the time, we all do, your children were loved, not neglected or abused in any way, you should be proud of what you did, not what you couldn't do in the situation you were in. How could you have acted differently? You had no choice. Try and pluck up the courage to concentrate on you, book a holiday if you can afford it or join something locally with other people, something that interests you, the U3 A do classes on so many things for very little outlay. Your son sound lovely and you raised him, remember that.x

Thank you Nina and Luckylegs. I have decided not to try again as I feel my daughter would see my desperation to save our relationship and rub her hands together with glee. My last text to her was to say 'when you are ready to talk contact me I'll be here. Remember I love you and always have. It's very sad the way things have turned out, maybe in time we can sort things out. Take care love always' the message I received back was 'stop playing the victim it's boring' So I can not possibly try again. It's best left as it is. I want to now concentrate on my own life with my lovely partner and be supportive to my son and DIL as their new born will be going to intensive care for a while once it's born.
I will look into U3 A as need to fill my time up by keeping busy.

Vintage, the hardest part is always knowing when to stop trying. Then dealing with any guilt for letting go. The decision was made for me earlier this year when I reached the point of nearly having a breakdown. I had to see my doctor and take some anxiety medication. My advice is not to reach this point. You've left the situation showing love, kindness, integrity and a willingness to let your daughter know you're there for her. She's responded like a moody teenager. At some point, she'll perhaps mature and see things differently. At the moment she can't so there's not much you can do. xx

Once again, I'm so very sorry about this, Vintage. It sounds to me as if Maggie is right - both you and your children have had difficult childhoods for different reasons. And I'll add, your X seems to have effectively split the family down the middle, w/ him and your D on one side and you and DS on the other (no fault of yours). Perhaps you and D both need some space from each other - you to heal and move forward, her perhaps to do some healing, too, but also to get to a place where she can speak w/ you calmly and civilly. I wish you all the best as you move on!

P.S. If D accused you of trying to "play the victim," that, I imagine is cuz, quite understandably, you were trying to explain your side of things. But for whatever reasons, she's not ready to see that and wants to be the "only victim," herself, though she may not realize that.

This is why I suggested the simple apology that doesn't include any explanations or justifications. But you seem to feel you've tried that too. So again, space seems like the only "answer" to me now. If in time, D comes around and is willing to talk w/ a "listening ear," then great. If not, at least you'll still have a life of your own that doesn't hinge on whether or not she accepts and understands you.

Please focus more on your relationship with DS and enjoy that. I'm sorry he was so hurt by your X but glad he's there for you.