Awkward situation

(I'm a woman, despite the user name!) Dear Primewarp, What a rotten situation other people's selfishness/thoughtlessness has put you in! I want to give you a big hug. Other Gransnetters have offered a lot of supportive advice here, so I simply want to add that I advise you to listen to your own "gut feeling" about whether or not you want to attend this lunch. If you truly don't want to go, then perhaps you can make it very clear why you won't be there. (You might even want to put this in writing - making the reasons absolutely clear, to prevent misinterpretation?.) If you do go, then there's a wealth of helpful advice been given here. (I'm sure I'm not alone in saying please let us know how things work out...).

Hate to say it but I think Charley is right and this woman has been in the picture for a while. DD may have trusted that this would just be a friendly lunch or she may have hoped it would bring you 2 back together.

But, obviously, there's more going on with your H than meets the eye. Maybe he's testing everyone to see if you're ready to accept his new GF. But, IMO, it was unfair to use DD's invitation this way.

I would tell DD I've reconsidered and am not ready for this yet. Let her and her family have a lovely time (I hope0 with H and GF. You can reschedule for another time with just you. Don't agree to meet GF till you're ready.

After all, she may not even be around that long. Might just be a rebound Why deal with the awkwardness?

Speak to your daughter & explain how you feel. She could ring Dad & tell him she is uncomfortable with situation as it is so soon after split & suggest he come alone this time & maybe bring other woman by himself one day soon so they can meet her under easier circumstances. I expect he will then throw a wobbly & refuse to attend but that is his decision.
When my ex & I split up I left it several YEARS before attending a family function with my new partner & only then as it was GC 1st birthday party.I saw no reason for them to meet before- now it is all very amicable & we always attend family functions together (he has no new partner although I keep hoping he will meet someone nice.)
You've got to be sensitive to each others feelings- after all you lived together for years so there must be some mutual respect if nothing else left.
Good luck.

Oh I am sorry you have to face this problem. I know how I felt when my ex wanted to bring his new partner to our Daughters wedding. I am hoping your daughter and her husband might understand how difficult this is for you. 2 months is not a long time after you were married for 35 years. If you can manage to go and put a smile on then it will get it over with but do not feel you must just yet.

I'm with all the Grans who say 'don't go'. You may well deal with your ex's lady friend/s at a later date, but this is too soon and despite your own very adult and considerate attitude I suspect you will find your feelings still too raw to be confronted like this. It isn't the split that does the damage, it's the feeling of rejection that can hit you in the guts when they flaunt a new woman, no matter how reasonable the parting, or how glad you were to get shot of the selfish, insensitive sod other partner. Not reasonable, but emotional reactions are not reasonable creatures.
I am speaking from personal experience. It was nasty. You don't deserve that. Big hugs to you, brave lady

Your daughter must explain how difficult it might be, hopefully she loves you both. There is no reason for you to put on a front. It is most unfair of your husband to even have suggested such a thing, he sounds like a smug buggar.

I agree with all the other Grans who say don't go. You and your ex are no longer a couple and your daughter needs to know this. This is an excellent opportunity to start the real process of splitting up and having separate lives. He's making it plain that he's no longer your husband - now you can make it plain you're no longer his wife. Plan something lovely and interesting for the day so you're not spending it wondering what they are all getting up to. Good luck!

I agree with dramatictessa , there is a time and a place for being generous, unselfish and accommodating. And this is not it.
I would also never mention Internet dating - how desperate would that make you sound??!
I would also have a word with your daughter afterwards about being put in this situation. She needs to be aware and rather more sensitive too.

Gosh I wouldnt go I think its unkind and very inappropiate for your husband to put you and your daughter in such an embarressing position and his new found friend too,.... unless of course he was with her before your split and he just wants to bring it all out into the open
I d just wish them all well and tell my daughter I ll come another time I m surprised she didnt say 'not this time Dad its all too soon'

How awful for you, it is thoughtless of others to put you in this position. Perhaps they don't realise that even when a split is by mutual consent, it is still a traumatic experience especially after such a long marriage. My marriage ended after 27 years and I had to go to my daughters wedding 8 months later. My ex was planning to take his new woman, although my daughter did say she would not be allowed to come if I objected. I agreed since it was a wedding and they were living together. I found it really difficult, and had to practice my big smile. There is no way I would ever have attended a family lunch like this, it would have killed me. In my case, we started out in the first 5 years being civil for the sake of our children and attended family events together. Sadly, this is no longer the case as in the end and I had to cut off all contact for my own sanity. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, and your kids will need to accept your choices.

I agree with all those who say don't go. Not just because your ex has suddenly decided to bring a woman friend, but also because of the short time since you have separated and what your daughter's expectations might be. You should ring her and explain that although you will in the future be prepared to attend family occasions and social events with her dad, and anyone he might bring along, you need time to adjust. You could explain to your daughter that you thought you could cope but have decided that it would be too much. Emphasize that you do not expect or hope for any sort of reconciliation but just need time after 35 years of marriage to deal with things. The important thing for both your ex and your DD to realise is that your relationship now is with her and not with him in any way. If you can amicably build an extended family with whoever else might eventually be involved he certainly needs someone to tell him he must be more sensitive to your feelings. Incidentally I wonder who the woman is? She must have a thick skin!

I don't think this is appropriate at all, or fair to your daughter. If I were you, I would have a word with her, and ask her to have a gentle word with her dad about his behaviour.

It's fine to move on and integrate new partners into the family, but only in small mutually comfortable steps. This seems very intrusive and thoughtless. Good luck. You have rights too, and you need to state them.

Ps. I agree with the previous post.

Yes, an uncomfortable situation, indeed! But put your best dress & slap on and arrange for a few girlfriends to interrupt your lunch with phon calls/messages where you can pretend they're from gorgeous men friends!

Your DH bringing a girlfriend at this stage sounds as if he's desperate to impress on just how he's moved on. He might be faking it, of course! {wink}

Please don't not unless you want to spend the rest of your life playing silly games with him!

Primewarp - think about how you will look back on this at a time when you don't care any more.

You will need to remember that:

1. You weren't bullied into staying away from a pleasant family occasion. Take the high ground. Make this a template for future contact.

2. You looked gorgeous, gracious and perfectly polite.

3. Nobody would have had a clue that you were cross, hurt, suspicious - because you were the perfect lady that I'm sure you are.

4. Make your daughter really proud of you - she will be very nervous.

5. Consider florentina's suggestion by taking a lovely man with you, I suggest a Cary Grant type, but only if you can carry it off. Someone not known by your ex. There aren't many Cary Grants around, but think about it.

6. Relax, enjoy the experience as if you were watching it from outside and don't get pissed.

Are you going to tell us what happened? Please do.

I do not blame your daughter in this case, I blame the insensitive husband. You could make a excuse not to go this time and maybe see your daughter for lunch another time on your own, if he is now in a relationship. I had this with my ex husband but not after 2 months though.

I feel it's far to soon to bring someone new along to a family lunch especially in your daughters home. Beware your feelings will be aroused especially ones you thought you had dealt with. I was in similar situation to you and made knee jerk reaction and it was the wrong decision.

I think we're pretty evenly divided on this one, to go or not to go. I'm in the no camp but that's because of who I am and how hurt I know I would feel. Other people either bolder or more rational than I am would say ' go and brazen it out'. In the end only you can decide whether the game's worth the candle because you know yourself better than any of us who, in fact , probably don't know you at all!
Look again at the wise comments on here and then look even more deeply into your own heart and then decide.
But let us know, and good luck with your new life.

I understand why you were in shock when your daughter broke the news to you. No matter how amicable your separation, it will be a shock to see him with another woman so soon. I do agree with other posters who suggest that she may not be by any means a 'new friend'. I remember one occasion when, by chance, I came across my ex and his not-so-new woman in the bar of the local club. I fled, drove home and dissolved in tears. Years later, it was much easier when they came to one son's graduation and the other's wedding. Don't feel bad if you give the lunch a miss. If you explain your feelings to your daughter, surely she will understand. (((hugs)))

How awful for you. How thoughtless / tactless of him and this woman.

Make sure you look your very best if you do go through with it. All the very best !

i wonder if your husband realizes just how insensitive he is being? I think not. I also think that this is the time for you to put you first. If you don't want to go, don't. Tell your DD and SiL you love them, you are gutted to miss out on time with them and your DGC, but that on second thoughts you feel it's too soon to be completely gracious, mature and serene in such a potentially difficult situation. OR be completely gracious, mature and serene, and curious too! (and maybe limit the wine so you keep being gracious, mature and serene). Who knows, you may even like her! She may be just the first of many random women he is going to be hooking up with on the rebound. I feel for you, and wish you well in your decision.

If I was the lady friend and knew my boyfriends ex wife would be going I wouldn't want to go.she must be thick skinned that's all I can say.

My opinion, it is far to soon. There would be awkwardness and a terrible atmosphere. He was probably carrying on with her. No, don't agree, you will get hurt even though the separation was mutual.

I mentioned taking a good looking man and I think maybe it sounded flippant. However, my brother was in a similar situation though his split with his wife was due to her running off with one of his friends. A couple of months later they were all due to attend a large social gathering connected to work. Cue my brother "borrowing" the sister of a friend of a friend to accompany him. The stunning leggy blonde had a wonderful time and so did my brother!