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Son in law treats granddaughter that is not his different than the ones that are his

(31 Posts)
Frustratedgrandma Tue 07-Jun-16 02:28:46

My daughter had my first granddaughter out of wedlock and I was VERY involved in her raising. (Maybe too involved) When my granddaughter was almost 1, my daughter met her now husband and they got pregnant and then married. My granddaughter begs and cries to live with me, never wants to go home, has told me she is very sad, she does not feel loved or safe by her dad (he has adopted her). My son in law is a big child, a bully, I have caught him pushing her for no reason, anytime she is having fun he makes her sit down and then tells my daughter some made up offense as to why she needs a time out. My granddaughter is 6, she is my world and my heart breaks for her. My daughter tells me she only acts like that because I feel sorry for her, and I agree some that she lets ME know how she feels because I listen, I care, and I do feel sorry. I dont know what to do. My daughter knows that her husband is a jerk, but she hates fighting with him, so I dont know if she is really in denial or if its just too much trouble for her to protect her daughter. It makes me so angry that with all the things in the world I pray my grandbabies are protected from, their father is on top of the list. I need help, I dont know what to do. He never leaves bruises, but I can see her getting hurt on the inside where no one sees, and I know how it will affect her later especially since he is not her biological father. My daughter feels like I say something because I never want her to get in trouble, I just want to spoil her, and she does not take what I say seriously. I dont want her spoiled or not disciplined, but I do want her to feel safe, loved, and believed. What do I do??

harrysgran Tue 07-Jun-16 19:23:31

I really feel for you it's heart breaking to see your grandchild being so badly treated but it won't go away and from my own experience the situation and his behaviour towards her will become worse especially when she reaches her teenage years speak to your daughter in a non judgmental way you might find she has already noticed his behaviour and doesn't know how to deal with it or who to talk to about it at the end of the day it's a child's happiness at stake.

carolpalmer Wed 08-Jun-16 07:10:55

Time will heal all wounds. Take a look at this doc tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/01/husband-bad-stepfather

icanhandthemback Wed 08-Jun-16 12:28:23

I haven't read the whole thread but a couple of things do strike me. Firstly, people rarely challenge a biological parent's love but often look more closely at a step-parent's. Before you make any move at all, search your conscience and ask yourself if perhaps you are looking for differences. I am not saying you are but it does happen.
Secondly, make sure your DG is not making that eternal triangle that which kids are so good at which plays your SIL off against you. Once again, I'm not saying she is, but sometimes our protective instincts are easily used against us.
Thirdly, if you are sure you are right, ask your daughter how she would like you to handle this based on the message that you love her, you love your GCs but are genuinely concerned. Ask her if she would like you to challenge your SIL's behaviour or make a record. Ask her if she is scared of him or if she has trouble making herself heard. Maybe suggest that family therapy might help because your GC is very troubled and everybody would have a chance to express their worries.
I used to worry my husband was harder on my DS, my son even used to complain about it when he was young but surprised me when he was 17 by asking his step-Dad to adopt him and now they have a closer relationship than he has with his own children.

Lilylilo Wed 08-Jun-16 13:11:58

My second husband lived with my children and I for years until they left home to go to university, work and homes of their own. He would NEVER have raised his voice let alone a belt (dreadful) to them. Nor was he ever anything other than a caring, steadying presence in their lives, ok he could be grumpy on occasion but never directed at them. You must seek professional advice on how to proceed with this,

Sugarpufffairy Sat 11-Jun-16 16:00:23

I am in a similar position. I have DGC who say they want to stay with me because of their treatment at home. I have tried to speak to their mum but I get threats too. The DGC are shouted at nearly all day and I do too if I step out of line in the eyes of the parents. It may be that the parents of today are so stressed with acquiring things that we took years to get when we were young parents. It is all so stressed and the shouting and threatening is not good for the young children or the old grandparent. It cant even be good for the parents as I am sure they must have terrible blood pressure.
Dealing with life in a more relaxed way and consider the children would be better for everyone.