Loving can hurt

Mollydolly That must be so hard for you.

A wise friend reminded me last year, when youngest DD was going through the most dreadful time, that there is no end to parenting. Each of my three children have had problems and experienced emotional pain and it always hurts me terribly too, no matter what age they are.

What a well constructed and deeply thought post which says everything about motherhood and the pain we would gladly bear for our children.

Iknow how you are feeling more than2 even when our children have grown up they are still our babies as silly as it may seem and you wiped there tears and noses and washed their knees and hugged them. Now when they are older just to be there for them and listen is a great comfort I am sure. My son had a relationship with a what we thought was a lovely girl, she had one son from a previous relationship. He was a caring and loving lad but she turned out to have a mental health problem and my son life was hell on earth, she had a lovely little who is our grandaughter and my son was over the moon, but his partner was violent when she was ill, he would not leave the baby and I had to help him to cope with this. In the end my son was killed by her, he was 35. The pain and the sorrow never goes away but we have our lovely memories.

Oh Molly hugs and

Thank you for this thread morethan - clearly, there are lots of us with the same issues.
For me this is what's good and great about Gransnet - honesty, compassion and support ❤️

This is a totally alien concept to me. My mother never acknowledged that l was hurting or in pain. When l told her my ex & l were splitting up, the first thing she said was "ls this because you don't want a family?" then "what am l going to say to people?"
Then she took his side, saying "You aren't easy to live with...." (wonder where l got that from?) even when she knew there had been abuse, which, to his credit, he went and spoke to her about - she didn't believe me when l told her.
When my dad, who l was very close to, died, she behaved like the loss was entirely hers - never mind that l was in bits about it, and struggling with a dissolving marriage at the same time.
l chose not to have children because when l was 15, she told me not to have them, because "they're nothing but bother." l'm an only child. She fed me horror stories about childbirth which terrified me to death.
Yet strangely enough, l have 'step children' from past and current relationships who l have the most amazing relationships with. l adore them and we get on wonderfully well. They confide in me and we're there for each other.
The thing with loving someone is, that when you do, you feel their pain and their joy. The price we pay for loving people is that pain. But would any of us switch the love off to save ourselves the pain? l certainly wouldn't. lf you have that kind of relationship with your children, you're doing a brilliant job as a parent, and l applaud you.

molly
sheilasue very sad.

Mollydolly. I feeĺ for your daughter and you and hope she can enjoy the rest of her life. I think these forums are so useful for situations like yours where you can express your feelings. I find writing them down helps to get everything into perspective so try not to feel guilty for expressing your feelings here. Best Wishes to you and your daughter.

Because of the ever present concern I feel for my children, (now aged 34, 32 and 28) sometimes absolutely crushing but often vague and undefined, I've occasionally been tempted to tell young people never to have children at all! Yes, at times I really have been tempted ? because the worry always occupies a small corner even when everything's going well and I tell myself I need to rest from it. I have never actually said it, thank goodness. What a rotten thing it would be from many perspectives ? because it would negate all the joy and fun I had bringing them up and the fierce pride I feel for them now. My lovely daughter has just embarked on this lifelong path with my beautiful grandson now 18 months old. But oh! the stress, especially lately. I have to remind myself that actually, I'm pretty happy most of the time ? and I'm doing the FutureLearn mindfulness course, which is amazingly enlightening.

As someone (including HMQE2) said, "Grief (hurt) is the price we pay for love."

molly You can always talk to us.

cathcraigs what a horrible thing for a mother to say to an impressionable 15 year old, that children are nothing but a bother. Mine have never been a bother, even at my darkest moments of worry about them. I feel sorry for your mother. That she was capable of saying so many cruel things says that she was/is a very troubled person herself although that's no excuse for taking it out on you.

kathcraigs. I empathise with your story and situation. I have no biological children but a step daughter who has been in my heart since I met her 30 years ago. We are clise and she does confide in me which I treasure. I also have a step son and his family are mine too. Two lovely step grand daughters who I can enjoy "spoiling" as I never had my own little ones to enjoy. I feel very blessed and fortunate.

Sorry, kathcraigs not cath...

That is....we are close.

I can really relate to all that has been said. My daughter is in her fifties, lives in France and is now going through a divorce. Her three children are now at University in other towns so she is pretty much alone, dealing with this. I long to be there for her - even just to make her a cup of tea and comfort her and I have offered to go over but she has said it would be better to wait until she is either moving out of the house or has found her flat and is moving in. I should add that it was him who wanted the separation and it seems he has found someone else. She was the one who was a fluent French speaker and although she didn't want to go there in the first place she just had to knuckle down with twin girls of 2 months and a boy of 14 months (this was another heartache 20 years ago when they left England). All the house buying and dealing with solicitors was done by her and so now he is well established over there which he probably couldn't have managed on his own. Sorry to go on but she really didn't deserve this to happen to her. Thank goodness I am computer literate (although I am 81) and we can communicate quickly and easily by email otherwise it would be much more difficult.

Sheilasue I'm so sorry to hear your story. I hope that sometimes you can rest from the tragedy of it and be happy. My mindfulness course has taught me to send 'Lovingkindness' so may you be happy and peaceful.

Thank you lizzypopbottle, as l got older it occurred to me that she was jealous of how close l was to my dad. To be fair, she had post natal depression when l was born, and my auntie looked after me til l was 6 months old, l don't think we ever bonded properly. Oh, and she told he she'd wanted a boy and didn't even have any girls names. My auntie chose my name.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, after being very ill five years ago, l gave up my job and moved 100 miles away to be near people l cared for and who cared for me. lt was the first time l've ever stood up to her and l don't think she could cope with me wanting a life of my own. She took her own life five months after l moved.

Thank you so much, bez1989 - l always thought l should never have children because l'd be a bad mother - l was so scared of history repeating itself. And l was terrified of childbirth. But the two girls l have in my life now are just a joy. Their dad isn't well just now and is in hospital, and l've been doing the school run and taking the eldest to and from her part time job. They're both lovely girls (no credit to me, admittedly!) but they're so grateful for everything. The eldest has been sending me texts saying "Thank you so much for being there, you've made my dad's life so much easier and god knows what we'd have done without you. xxx"
l'd never try to take their mum's place, but their mum and dad have been separated for a couple of years now, and l'd do it for any of my friends. lt's just what we do for people we love. l don't regret not having children of my own, but l think age and a bit of life experience has made me a much better 'step-parent' than l'd have been a mother when l was younger. l'm so lucky to have them in my life.

We are also encouraged to treat ourselves with Lovingkindness. Give it a go, everyone. Sit in a peaceful place, close your eyes and say to yourself, May I be happy, May I be peaceful, May I be safe, May I be healthy. I recommend the FutureLearn mindfulness course unreservedly. It's excellent. It comes from Monash University in Melbourne. The two Aussie guys who present it are lovely and you can't help smiling and occasionally laughing as you go through, watching the videos and doing the mindfulness activities.

That's really helpful, lizzypopbottle - l'm going to have a look at it. Thank you x

To all the people on here who deny any credit for the way their children/stepchildren/even themselves have turned out, please give yourselves a break! Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Particularly you kathcraigs!

I'll shut up now! ?

I fully empathise with what you say, my wife has four sisters all divorced remarried and divorced again. My wife is the only girlfriend I have ever had or ever likely to have. We have been together 48 years and I thank god for her every day.She is the only one in her family who has not been divorced.
The children from the broken marriages of her sisters now adults, are far from happy people, suffering depression broken marriages low esteem and so on. I am sure it is due in a large part to their parents splitting up when the kids were small. I come from a family of ten six girls 4 boys none of us have divorced or split-up in anyway. One of my sisters has a lesbian girlfriend that she sees once a month however it does not seem to effect her and her husband. When our youngest son (we have 3 children 2 boys and 1 girl) was attacked by man in the street totally unprovoked. I was murderous about how anyone could hurt our son, he was aged 24 at that time. I found out where the other person lived and everyday for a year I had the attack on my mind. One year one to the day I saw the man in his garden, I went up to him and punched him in the nose like he had my son. He run into his house and the police were called. No charges were brought. I would not recommend doing what I did but I was glad I did it.

As a mother the pain of seeing your child's distress is almost unbearable. However, as a mother, you should never show that child how much you are hurting. I lost my daughter when she was thirty and pregnant with her first child. I could not turn to my own mum because she was so distressed that I felt she needed my help, which I was not fit to give, rather than able to support me. I know how much she loves and cares for us all, but both my sister and I avoid telling her about the bad times, because she cannot help but show us how much it distresses her.

I am so thankful that my children come to me for support,however difficult I find it. My own mum had mental health problems and I was never able to 'burden'her with anything serious-my Dad actively discouraged it. I would never let my two know how much I worry about them, I hope that the resilience I have encouraged in them will see them through. This is such a relevant thread for loving parents,whatever age their offspring!