Is my son being unreasonable?

I think the son who feels hurt should mention this himself to the son who is marrying - not in an accusatory way but just to explain that he feels a bit upset and wants to put his mind at rest that he hasn't been excluded for anything other than practical reasons.

I tend to think that it is better to talk about things that upset us rather than leave them to fester and cast a shadow over a relationship.

Leave well alone.

My son had two best men at his wedding.

"I tend to think that it is better to talk about things that upset us rather than leave them to fester and cast a shadow over a relationship."

I think it's better not to get upset about who one's brother chooses for his best man. Better to be an adult about it, recognise such unintentional hurt (OP said they'd always been friends; friends assume good motives in each other) as unreasonable and swallow it.

isn't it time we stopped being so scared of our own kids that we daren't ask them a direct question? Sons and DiLs have to respect our right to an opinion and to say it nicely. better that than recriminations down the line. even if middle son is too busy, he shd be given a formal role...eg asked to be usher or whatever. If the future DIL doesn't like that, tough. Up to middle son....she's the newcomer and shdn't be allowed to push out middle son ( assuming he'd welcome some kind of token role ....even offering advice on seating, decor, cars, whatever ). This is a matter or manners and being inclusive.

None of my kids speak to each other and havent done in years so theres no family get togethers, no invites between them. I was used as a go- between and I put my foot down and told the kids if they want to know anything contact the sibling concerned, I let them all get on with it.

I have three sons and although they are not pally pally due to work commitments and own lives this cropped up at my eldest sons sons christening when he asked youngest son to be godfather I knew middle son was upset but didn't say or do anything as I was confused what to do they didn't fall out about it but I do think it changed middle sons conception of family life, very complicated ! My husband has stepped in on a couple of occasions and smoothed things out . You always feel their pain even if no words are spoken.

I would ask eldest son if he has considered his brother's feelings in not finding a role for him and then take a step back. My DS had a terrible time choosing his best man. On one hand he wanted his best friend but he was rubbish when it came to organisation. He also wanted one of his brothers who he is particularly close to but he worried about upsetting his other brothers. He picked BF and his BB only to find he had upset his BIL who he had been close to before he married his BS. Eventually he asked BIL to join the others in the role. I think the last decision was probably the wrong one because they were quite a way down the line when he joined them so he felt left out. I think trying to please everybody actually ruined it for DS so the actual person who should have had what they wanted, didn't get it. Fortunately, DS is not one to make an issue of it and now everything is back to normal...for a while

I would stay out of it. Look at it from your future DiL’s point of view. She and her fiancé have made their choices about who will be part of their wedding and now MiL is hoping to persuade them to change these arrangements because she feels it is unfair.

In my experience, men are much less inclined to analyse relationships and worry about perceived slights than women are, and I wonder whether your middle son broached the subject or if you raised it with him because you felt upset on his behalf. When our children are small, we make sure they treat each other fairly, but once they are adults and become partners/spouses/parents they have other loyalties and I don’t think it is wise to try to orchestrate relationships between grown men. If they are close, they will be able to speak frankly to each other without falling out, and if they are not particularly close (or don’t feel strongly about it) then there is no problem.

Allow our children to grow up and be there when asked for advice. There's too many wanting to interfere in personal choices and decisions. Weddings and funerals can open up all sorts of anxious moments.

Don't interfere...you'll regret it if you do.