missing grandchildren

I moved last year to be nearer to my DD & lovely GS - we are about 10 miles apart but with school & after school activities I don't see
much of my GS although my DD comes over more frequently. At the moment I am not allowed to drive (medical reasons) but hope to have my driving license back in a few months time which will mean I can go & visit at the weekends if GS social life isn't too booked up. I do feel sorry for any Grandparent who has restricted access or is denied access to GC.

My Mum (GG) misses out as she lives 250 miles away, she is 87 so travel is difficult, she will only get to meet by GS for the 3rd time when DD goes up for a holiday this summer

How sad for you, this goes on all the time now,lots of grandparents hardly ever get to see their grandchildren or like you a few times a year. I do hope something can be done to help you there is lots of good advice on this site anyway I won't add mine only to say good luck hope things may change for the better sometime.

My heart goes out to you all advice as been given hope you get to see the them soon ?

I am so sorry to hear that you do not have regular access to your grandchildren. If you feel you cannot send gifts and you can afford it I would open accounts in their name or buy Government Bonds or something that will accumulate for them to have when they get to 18 or 21. This will show them that you thought about them throughout the years when you didn't get to see them. It will also be money they, as adults, control. You could make up a keepsake box for each one with birthday and Xmas cards in it and perhaps items they would like as an adult to give them when they are adults. Again, it shows you care. In the meantime when you do get to see them give them a fun time and when, at an appropriate age, let them know how to contact you on social media. Keep yourself cheerful by filling those boxes with lovely surprises.

I was so sorry to read your post eddiecat and I know exactly how you feel.

Sadly we're estranged from our son and his wife, have been for 4 years now, and so aren't allowed any contact with our GC. The eldest now four and a half we haven't been allowed contact with since he was 8 months old. The youngest 8 months, we've only ever had passing glimpses of. They live just 350 yards down the road.

The situation has become so intolerable that we are soon to leave our home of 28 years in the village we've lived in for 30.

On their birthdays and at Christmas we send a card. I buy 2 of each and the other is for the memory box I've left them in my will. Sometimes I write poems for them and if we see a little gift age appropriate at the time, we buy it. We do all of these things so one day they'll know we loved them and thought about them constantly.

I've found that doing these small things does help deal with the pain of not being a part of their lives. We too experienced both physical and mental illness but did find these small acts helped.

As has already been said, you have to try and move beyond this. Focus on what you do have in your life and make the most of it. I hope that one day our GC will find us and if they do, they'll be able to look through everything in their memory box and know that they were loved by us.

If that never happens, at least they'll know that the GP's they never met and who are no longer here never forgot them.

I hope that your situation improves. Sadly you're not alone and I've received an enormous amount of support and understanding from others going through the same thing.

There's another thread in this forum 'Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives'. I know you'll be made welcome as it's a thread I regularly post on and don't know how I'd have coped these past 4 years without it.

Take care, I wish you well.

This kind of thing is becoming more and more common . I do think that in the future there will be something in place to allow GPs to apply for visiting rights , it is just so heartless and cruel to deny children the love and support that Grandparents can offer . I had a period of a year when my Son broke up with his partner when I was not allowed to see my GS , it was to punish me for my son ending the relationship . I see him now regularly but the relationship was damaged and we have never got that real closeness back that we had .

Keep a little steady stream of tiny gifts and cards flowing their way - birthdays, christmases, every other month or so. Situations change sometimes very unexpectedly and if this were to happen then you will be well placed. It happened to me too - my son's previous partner forbade both him and their child to have any contact with me at all until he left her. 4 years down the line she seemed to change her mind, and now I do see my 4 year old grandson. You never know. Keep hope alive in your mind with the intention that things will work out. Never say die. You never know. Big hugs to you.

thanks again - especially to Smileless2012. I have lovely friends who sympathise with me but only people who are going through this can really understand how devastating it is.

I also find that friends have stopped talking to me about their grandchildren as they don`t want to seem insensitive - but I really don`t begrudge them their happiness

Frankly I think it's worth sending her/them a letter requesting regular contact during school holidays (keep a copy) for a few days, either with or without parents. If ignored or not given then get legal advice. The courts usually decide in favour of grandparents (believe it or not) as family contact is important for kids. Your son is perfectly able to do exactly the same and if he could prove she was unbalanced might even get a residence order. Life doesn't have to be dictated by others and with such a poor relationship already you can barely make it worse! And it's not as expensive or difficult as you might imagine. So far the kids only have her version of things and their experience of non existent GPs (sorry to sound harsh) so show them how much you really do want them in your lives and you'll feel far less wretched for trying. Good luck n hugs

All I can say is that I feel it too. I don't have any contact with most of my grandchildren, and I no longer send birthday cards as I now know the cards I was sending didn't reach them.

Knowing me I would tend to turn up on the doorstep with gifts etc. and discuss the problem face to face. I agree that you should continue to buy presents and cards and give them to the children next time you see them. I cannot imagine how you must feel, or how it must be for your son because he knows how much his children need their grandparents, and vice versa. Keep going, pamhill4 seems to be the person I agree with most.

My good friend had this problem with her grandchildren. DIL refused to let them have any contact with my friend her son or the children's maternal GPs.
When he turned 18 this year the eldest turned up on her doorstep and has moved out of his mums home and reconnected with the rest of the family.

Why are people so cruel?Not only to you but the GC as well.I am in almost the same situation and I can't seea solution.I know how hard it is.I am very involved with my friends grandchildren and thst really helps.When you have all this love to give share it with your friends GC and it will help you too.xx

My heart goes out to you on so many levels, having read through most of the replies though there is some good advice, I think the diary is a really good idea because I know from bitter experience with my stepson when these children are old enough to make up their own minds they will most definitely see how very evil their mothers actions where. My husband and I have been Very lucky with his Son after him being poisoned for years by his Mum, last year on my 60th birthday he told me how much he loved me and that he was sorry for the way his Mum behaved for 16 yrs. Also l too am estranged from two of my grandchildren because my daughter is 200 miles away, it's difficult to see them in a regular basis and can also be very expensive so I don't see them as often as I'd like to, also my daughter is at present expecting her 3rd baby so I won't really have much to do with him/her and worry if they will really know me. However, I am very good at compartmentalising my feelings because I know l can't change this situation it is what it is. Please be assured that you are not on your own in this situation, stay positive and remember one day these children will have minds of their own. I wish you well xxxx

I, too, can sympathise enormously with your predicament. (My own grandchildren live in the middle of the USA and I get to see them less and less as the cost of flights rockets!) There seems to be some good 'advice' (which you didn't really want!) from the Gransnet community, so I hope things improve for you. I, too, feel physically sick most days from missing my darling grandchildren. It's heartbreaking....

So sorry for you. I too am restricted seeing my grandchildren after my son left his wife. He also is restricted. We do however get to see them each week. I am allowed to see them at my DIL's house with her present. I treasure the time with them. It's very sad when children are restricted from having contact with their families. I wish you well. They will always be your grandchildren nothing will ever change that.

Oh eddiecat, my heart goes out to you. I have been excluded from my granddaughters life for eight months now (she is 4, going on five). Here (BC, Canada), all decisions are made "in the best interests of the child", and unless the grandparents are obviously not fit, contact with grandparents is supported by the courts.
But the process is long and arduous and is designed to keep people out of court. Starts with mediation by court appointed mediators, then on to judge facilitated mediation, before a final court date.
After eight months, with the help of a wise, amazing judge, and the support of my Granny Army of friends, and the support of his father and stepmother, who have also been excluded from her life, I hopefully will be seeing my granddaughter for an hour on Saturday.
I know the agony you are going thru. My heart broke anew every day. ?

Dear Eddiecat78, it's all so sad and I really do understand your great sadness. I haven't seen my twin grandchildren and my step granddaughter since last Autumn and that was the one occasion for the whole of last year. My son's ex-partner wanted to do a "deal" with me, whereby I could see them when she sanctioned it and when she wanted me to drive to hers to child sit during the summer holidays but never to let them see my son, their dad. There is no room for negotiation and I just can't do that to my son. He and the kids have suffered so much from her.

Sadly Grandparents have very little 'right' to see their grandchildren, and it can be a very difficult situation. would your DIL allow you to contact the children by Facetime or Skype? Would it be possible to arrange a family day out for you all if you arranged to visit them? I know you are a carer but you can apply for respite care relief which would let you go away for a day or so and know that your father is still be cared for whilst you were away.

I have several grandchildren, some live close by and others hundreds of miles away. I see them all except one. He was my first grandchild and when my son and his wife were divorced my dgs was only 7. He is now in his 30s. I used to write to him twice a year with all the family news but I don't think he ever got the letters. I sent money for Christmas and birthdays but the cheques were never banked. I have lots of photos of him upto the age his mother took him away but only one of him age about 11 or 12 that I think his other grandma sent anonomously. I tried to get in touch with him last year but with no luck.
It took me a long time to get over losing him and probably I will never get used to not having him in my life, but I know I will always love him whether he knows it or not.
I wish I had thought of having a journal for my dgs and kept copies of my letters to him and filled it with news of other family members for him.
It is so sad that grandparents lose out when distance or divorce happens. Children need all the love they can get and to deny them their grandparents is hard on everyone.

It's been so sad, reading posts from GP's who for whatever reason are being denied regular or any contact with their GC.

I wish that all of these parents could read the posts on here and other threads, and see the pain they're causing, see the error of their ways.

Their children's welfare should be upper most in their minds and what good does it do their children to be denied the love their GP's have to give.

Mr. S. is cooking our evening meal and I've just gone into the kitchen for a. He was standing there crying for the son and the GC that we've lost.

So much pain, so much heart ache and oh so unnecessary.

My heart goes out to you. My son has access to his little girl on Sundays, so I'm very lucky that I can spend time with her then, but not having contact with her mum means she has a life that I am no part of, and that is my secret sorrow every day. It's heartbreaking when all you want to do is give love and its thrown back in your face.
Advice? That's a hard one. I love the idea of a diary and pocket money - I may start this myself. I would also be wary of going down the legal route as its all very woolly, and it may ruin relations forever. Just be yourself, a loving grandma, ready to step in whenever that may be. And don't do or say anything that can be used as ammo later on. Think of the long game. I find that a really good cry once a month or so, giving vent to lots of feelings helps me get through.
Yes, I agree that it seems as if everyone else has a perfect family, but just look at all these posts. Seeing them actually did help me, as it made me realise that I wasn't alone. Hopefully your son will find the courage/finances to break free, and he definately can go down the legal route.
One more thing to get off my chest?......I get sick of some of my friends talking constantly about their gc and looking at me with pity as if I'm some freak! One of them always tells me she would just go round and take her out without taking no for an answer, it's as if they think I can't really be bothered! Well sod off the lot you, you have no bloody idea you thought less cows! Ooo, feel better now! X

Just want to add that I have a necklace with her name on it that I wear everyday, and it helps me to feel closer to her. I will pass this onto her one day.
My love and hopes go out to everyone X

Dear EddieCat78, I'm so very sorry to hear this. It's agony, I know. I have reservations about sending presents, cards etc: I think that might just irritate their mother. ive found counselling invaluable, and I also give myself treats like massage and reiki, both of which get the endorphins flowing. I focus on work and when not working I go for walks in the wood which I find very therapeutic, especially when I borrow a dog.
Good luck and I send you warm hugs. X

I think you could be right Disgruntled. The fundamental problem with d-in-law is that she doesn`t want the children to have any relationships that she doesn`t have control over and if they keep getting parcels from me she will have to explain to the children who the parcels are coming from.
Funnily enough, I went for a walk this morning - with borrowed dog!