Dilemma with son and daughter in law

If Mil is there and holding baby, smile sweetly and say something like... isn't she so gorgeous I think it's my turn for a cuddle.

It sounds like your only focus is the baby, don't you want to visit your son (and his family ) ? Of course you want to have a cuddle/ play with the baby, but don't you also want to chat with your son and dil? The two aren't exclusive surely. As cool gran says, just ask - my turn for a cuddle! It seems like you are forgetting the bigger picture. Relax, enjoy time with your family , don't see your visits as just about the baby, try to help the new parents, if the other gran is there can't you make her an ally and not a rival in the gran stakes?

Vintagenanna firstly this is quite a common dilemma. I've read something similar time and time again in GN.

Secondly it needs handling very carefully. Don't make too much of an issue of it even though it is hard. It is rude of the other nana to hog the baby and not offer you a cuddle. It says quite a bit about her and not in her favour. She is quite clearly wanting to be the dominant granny.

This might actually backfire on her.

So think very carefully of your role now. Perhaps you can chat to your DiL and ask how she is. Say she's doing a great job, praise her, support her. Say if she needs anything doing she only has to ask. Make her your friend if she isn't already. And of course the same goes for your son.

By all means ask for a cuddle, but don't make this into a battle. Being a new parent is hard enough without war between respective grannies.

Its so difficult isn't it when other people don't act the way we would in a given set of circumstances. If it were you holding the baby I have no doubt you would share the cuddling. Sometimes people just don't think for a variety of reasons - she may be focusing solely on the baby and be so bowled over it didn't occur to her or sadly she may just be that kind of person. Anyway I would just gently assert as others have said -'ah how lovely my turn for a cuddle now' and just pick the baby up- she's hardly going to start a tug of war.

Definitely ask for cuddles. If you aren't speaking up then nobody knows how you're feeling.

When she was first born your DILS mom was most likley popping in to see her daughter, make sure she's OK ect. You only seem to want to spend time with the baby.

You texted him, he might of been busy, but you still texted more and rang, when he finally answered you told him if anyone else was there you wouldn't come. Why?

You need to speak up. 'Oo I have missed her, can I have a cuddle?' Or something to that effect. You don't mention wanting to see your son, your DIL or how old the baby is. You just want to get at the baby, which is fine but you need to see them as family not YOUR grandchild.

My mom came to see me. My MIL came to see my DD. 2 totally different relationships.

Oh how I empathise with your situation - so please don't feel you are responding oddly. My first GD born 18 months ago whilst son and DiL living with us - it was difficult from the start and we felt we couldn't do or say anything right. Eventually they moved to their own house nearby. I tried really hard to be supportive and helpful - what a tight rope that is to tread! Then I was told not to offer to help - this saddened and upset me. Now DiL's mother from abroad is living with them and has already seen more of GD in a few weeks than I did in months. I put it down to the old adage " son is son till gets a wife, but daughter is a daughter for life". Still hurts deeply though and I am trying to resign myself to the fact that I probably won't get to spend time with my GD as much as I had hoped. Recently announced 2nd GC on its way. Perhaps this will change the balance of the situation. I wish I could give you sage advice but I am struggling too - it is so hard once you feel on the back foot and edged out. My warmest wishes to you. x

I agree with Anya and also when she says this is an age old problem. I hope you can work it out.

That's how it was when my much longed for granddaughter was born, although I'm the only granny the baby spent so much more time with DIL's family. However, having kept quiet about it for 18 months we are slowly spending more and more time with her and she now knows us quite well.They are asking us more and more to look after her for the odd day or night. I have to admit to not being terribly baby minded and didn't really miss holding her etc but it is important to me to be able to read her stories and play pretend games with her. If you bide your time, vintage, things will probably improve. I do understand how you feel at this moment .

I agree with Tegan's advice to bide your time. Everyone is adapting to new roles within the family. You have two new grandmothers, who may not know each other very well and have nothing in common but their shared grandchild. Their children are coping with the exhausting reality of becoming a parent themselves and the last thing they need is tension between the grandparents adding to their stress. Certainly a smiling “My turn now for a cuddle” is a good approach, and it’s good to bear in mind that being a grandparent is a long-term project. Once the baby is older, the grandmothers will each have a different relationship with their grandchild, which is not affected by how often you get to cuddle them – or in fact how often you see them. Of, course, I’m saying all this now with the benefit of hindsight!

Edit - "separate relationship" rather than "different".

I thinks it's very rude of the other granny to "hog" the baby that is as equally your new grandchild as it is hers. Obviously you want a little cuddle and you shouldn't be made to feel bad or awkward about it . Sadly I have heard so many similar stories where the mothers, mother feels that she has more "right" to time with the new baby and as the fathers mother ( second best) you should be happy with a look over number one grannies shoulder.
Sadly some DiL's can't see that their partners mother has feelings the same as their own mother and seem to delight in keeping them out of the picture, or making their own mothers out to be some kind of saint who only come to help, when mother in laws never come to help do they?

I am so lucky to have a lovely DiL who has always treat me equal to her own mother . We are very different but each play an equal part in the DGC's lives.

I am in a similar situation, and I knew I would be before our GD was born. We met once and I could tell she was a possessive woman then.
After Gds were born it became obvious I was in a competition I didn't know I'd entered, with time, clothes, treats, gifts, holidays, even the size of car they drive the Gds round in.

She has 'won' basically as I don't have the means to keep up and don't want to now.

I just try to think that I would never do that and so occupy the moral high ground. I get on with DIL very well, and she doesn't seem to notice what her mum does, but I know I am not an 'equal' grannie. Fortunately mine and MILs paths don't cross very often.

I have met MIL a few times when the children aren't there and she is a delightful woman then!

Come to think of it I have seen MIL take the baby from her own 90 year old mother who was quite happy cradling her, so it's not just me.
You've got a common problem especially as you are the paternal GM.

Plenty of good advice above, I don't have more to add. Just keep on loving them all however maddening it all is.

I am now absolutely sure that paternal GMs just have to put up with being second best and do what they can in the time that they get with GC.

I've been the DIL in this situation.

You've had some great advice above (particularly from Anya and madamecholet), and I'd support that while things are new, your best bet is to stay calm, don't draw battle lines, and don't include your DS and DIL into any silent power struggles while they've got a new baby.

Chances are, DIL will be fed up of her own Mum being there so often soon enough, and in the meantime if you've been interested in DIL for who she is, not just as the mother of your grandchild, you'll reap the benefits later on.

Good luck, and enjoy the cuddles when they come.

I agree with gillybob - I too think it's incredibly rude of the other mum in law to freeze you out in this way.

I'm not sure what to advise except that I think it's probably best not to make a thing of it. Hopefully, things will change in the future and you will get more of a look in. I do feel for you though and hope the situation improves.

I have been the DIL in a similar situation. The paternal grandparents, caused a lot of hassles and eventually got really nasty not only to me but also to my children. With the things that they did, the trouble that the caused, the end result was that they never saw the children until they were adults and on their own decisions the children did not keep up with them as adults.
I am now a MIL as the maternal grandmother. I found myself sidelined as I thought by the paternal grandmother. However as time and experiences went on I realised that the paternal grandmother was not to blame for the ill feeling. I had been used by DD and SIL for money, goods, services such as baby sitting and lifts and yet the only praise that I heard was for the paternal grandmother. There was an incident when I had to take a child to hospital late at night about an injury which happened at the paternal grandmother's house
and then another time even later at night I had to go to a place which was scary to deliver essential medication. I was later told by SIL that his mother was about to leave in a taxi. Given there had been various stories what the SIL family were going to do (but didn't) from SIL. I got very annoyed and have kept a distance since.
It has not been the other grandmother's fault. It is SIL who has practically forced his family down our throats and DD is wrong to allow her family to be treated as "useful" and otherwise ignored.
Think carefully about who is really in the wrong in your situation.

I have had this happen so can really emphasise my son lives overseas A long way NZ so I see them very rarely I saw my grand daughter in my home as they visited me so had a lovely few weeks helping bath etc when their son was born I went over to them ( on invitation) and mill was on the ball the minute the baby cried whipped him up and on one occasion actually took him out the room to 'play' with him, he was taken out my arms and in truth I hardly got a look in, as I was only there a short while I felt very upset by it although I said nothing at the time have never forgotten it and although we re ok on the surface I ve never felt i liked her after that selfish and thoughtlessness

Excellent advice from anya . Be the helpful, supportive Nana not the one hogging the baby . Reminds me of when I came home with my 4th and both nana`s sat chatting on the sofa not offering to do anything . I just wanted them to both b*gger off so I could have a good cry !!

You are missing a trick duckie, get round there and if anyone else is holding the baby insist you need your picture done with it in your arms............then, hang on to that kid and keep praising the other gran....'look, there's your other granny isn't she lovely' no one can fault you if you are full of praise and you can have a long cuddle then...........

I have lost my son to someone who wants to commit to a rescue dog instead of kids...........

Agree with advice to bide your time and offer any help you can to your son and his family, in what is an exhausting time. Surely you want to see and have a good relationship with them, not just the baby.

As the mother of three daughters, two of whom have children, I have always tried to be sensitive to the feelings and wishes of my co-grandmothers, with whom I get on well. It helped that they both had other grandchildren before our co-grandbabies were born.

I honestly don't think we've had any rivalry or jealousy problems and I'm sorry for anyone who has felt pushed out of their grandchildren's lives. It must be very painful.

Two of my grandchildren are abroad and I may not see them again for another couple of years, so do make the most of being able to see anything of yours.

Morning ☺️

I've experienced this dilemma.
The opposing Granny seemed to always be there. Always holding baby. Always buying things. Seemingly indispensable.
It did make me feel left out but didn't want to cause a fuss. Even though she also seemed to think she was my daughters Mum.
Albeit smugly I enjoyed seeing her not being able to control GS as he got older. Which I could.
She's moved away now but when she visits is still the same. But I feel it's her problem of insecurity and you can't buy love.
I just continued to be there if needed. Acted as per 'normal'. Always invited them over for dinner.
Heartbreaking at times but at the end of the day my GS always loved seeing me. Throws himself in my arms. Loves coming over and us visiting. We have fun and laughter and love.

For most people our memories of having a baby are some of the most wonderful times of our lives. When we see our children all grown up we have a sense of achievement. Even when we are challenged about our parenting style, the reply is usually "Well look at the children they are OK."

When we become a grandparent this is a chance to do again something we loved and see ourselves as good at plus the benifit that we can leave when the going gets tough. So you get grandparents who come and take over forgetting it is not their baby and they are there in a supportive role.

Vintage, first I feel you need to have a little more confidence and also look at ways you can support your sons new family. Food for the freezer, beauty treat for the new mum even a small thing like a nice cream or bath essence, joke book on being a dad for new dad. I mention your confidence as from the first visit I would have asked for a cuddle. (They may have felt you didn't want to hold the baby as you said nothing and made no indication you wanted to hold the baby.)

Too many visitors and no time for themselves is always a big problem for new parents so I understand your asking if it is ok to visit but if mil is there I think you can go. As everyone is saying, you are there to support the family, so short visits offers of help, smiles and cuddles plus a kiss or hug for clever parents.

What you think you make happen. So if you think positive things will get better.

As Gillybob said "I am so lucky to have a lovely DiL who has always treat me equal to her own mother " this must be the ultimate dream of all of us who have sons and DIL's!
And surely DIL's must at some time consider, that if they give their sons this example, then surely it is what will happen to them as grandmothers eventually with their own grandchildren.

Thank you to everyone who has posted advice, it has truly made me 're think my actions. I do want to spend time with my son and DIL and really have a good relationship with them both, always have. I find it very difficult when my DIL's mother is there to join in as she looks at me as though I shouldn't be there. Although I am sensitive to things and do over react at times, I have a very level headed partner who brings me back down to earth. He noticed on two occasions that we weren't welcome by my DIL's mother, and if he is noticing it, it must be bad. It's not all about cuddling my new GD either, it's about being able to chat to my son and DIL too, I don't get that opportunity when MIL is there as she and hubby take over conversation. I think some maternal grandmothers forget that its also their son's baby too. I could never ever treat anyone like that. I do need to toughen up and be more assertive but it's not my personality really. Thank you everyone x