Dilemma with son and daughter in law

Can remember dreading MiL visits because she'd always start by looking round and saying, 'Now let me do some housework' then go through drawers, read letters etc. I went ballistic each time trying to get the house perfect beforehand but always heard this as criticism/intrusion. Can't you ask them to visit you and offer them a rest and a nice meal? They might be more open to sharing DGD then.

Sorry mistyped some of my message. What I meant was some maternal grandmothers forget that the paternal grandmothers son has helped in the making of the baby so therefore paternal grandmothers are equally as important. I do get that most daughters want their mum's there my daughter did but that doesn't give me the right to push my SIL's mum out.

Swimhome I have asked them to come to me but they never want to. They also never visit my son's grandparents or sister. But will go to my DIL's family. It's just so sad. I definitely wouldn't dream of going through drawers etc. That is an intrusion of their privacy, terrible.

I made this mistake when my first g'dtr was only 2 wks old. My d-I-l's parents threw a party to celebrate. Until that point I had only seen my g'dtr only a couple of times as I was still working full time, but I was worried that they might think I wasn't really interested. At the party I was given my Gorgeous g'dtr to cuddle, I sat down with her and she fell asleep on me - lovely. 15 mins later I was wondering what to do. Should I try to pass her in to someone else, or should I just sit there with her? My problem was that I didn't want my son, who was at the proud, sensitive, protective, overtired stage, to think that I didn't want to hold my g'dtr. Eventually he took her from me. I thought everything was OK, but some time later he referred to the party and accused me of selfishly keeping the baby to myself. I was horrified and hurt, so much so that, thankfully, I kept my mouth shut. So easy for others to misconstrue your actions.
G'dtrs are now 8 and 5 and though I am retired and happily do my share of school runs and love having them overnight, etc, my d-I-l still turns first to her own mum. It's not done to deliberately exclude me, is just a bit thoughtless, and the one lesson I have learned is that it is far, far better to roll with it, bite my tongue and enjoy my granddaughters who are already growing far too fast. I love my son and his family nothing would induce me to fall out with them over perceived slights. Family harmony is everything for me.

This is very common Vintagenanna and is very selfish of the other gran.Politely but firmly ask to have your time with the baby.
You only need to do it once,and from then on she will be expecting it from you.
I spend time with my grandson once a week,just with my daughter,but always ask her if it is ok to pick him up etc.
I,m afraid some grandmothers even hijack the mother.

You are not over reacting.

Oh Vintagenana I wasn't suggesting for a minute that you might! Just saying that having them to you would save her effort if she tries hard to please and finds it too much (I did!) How sad that they don't even visit you, but keep trying and inviting and the day may come! Meanwhile walk on eggshells but do ask for you share of cuddles.

Thank you Casawan & Granny2016 I agree with you Granny2016 I need to do it once and I will. I think my son will get fed up with his MIL being there all the time as she turns up uninvited and just walks in the house without knocking. I knock always. Casawan it seems us nannies can't do right for wrong.

The essential point to hold on to is that however much you feel that you're not getting much contact with your new grandchild now it won't make the slightest difference to how she feels about you when she is older. When we were children we saw our maternal GPs at least once a week because they lived in the same town as us. We saw our widowed paternal Gfather about 4 times a year, he lived 20 miles away; we had no car and couldn't afford frequent bus or train journeys. But it made no difference at all to how much we loved him and enjoyed being with him.

I have a great deal of empathy for how you are feeling because I struggled with similar feelings for quite a while after our DGS was born. We are lucky enough to have lots of contact with him but the paternal GPs have even more! But now that he is two and becoming a real little person it's absolutely clear that he hs no preference for one set of GPs over the other.

It does help, of course that all his GPs get on very well with each other; I really like my DD's in laws and I shocked myself with how jealous I was at the time. But it passes.

Thank you MaizieD it's an awful feeling and if I think back about my own GPs I saw my Maternal GPs far more than my Paternal GPs but didn't love them anymore or less than the other. I think it's because it's all so new to me. My daughter's baby is only 1 and son's baby just 2 months old so not an experienced nanny yet. I know what you mean about that overwhelming jealous feeling its awful!! I've never been jealous off anything in my life time. I'm sure it does pass in time thank goodness.

I do feel for you Vintagenanna. There's nothing like grandchildren, much as we all love them, for causing unheaval one way or the other. I guess they are teaching me to mature at last. Stick in there and enjoy what you can of them, but don't let anyone spoil what should be a lovely stage of life for us all, grandchildren or not.

My first MIL was hopelessly devoted to my daughter from day 1. Had no time for me. I always felt like the childminder. When her son deserted us she was devastated. I felt I didn't want anything more to do with her, but my second husband persuaded me I wasn't being fair. MIL & grandaughter had great relationship for rest of her life. I'm so grateful now I didn't act too hastily out of anger or jealousy. You never know what's round the corner.

Oh how I feel for you. I hope the situation resolves itself, if only that you might find that accepting the situation is the way out.
I am in a similar situation except that my DD sees about 100x more of her MiL than of us, turns to the ILs for help etc. When we stay at her house [we live 5 hours aways], we are constantly regaled with stories of how goo the ILs are and how much they help etc. I could have screamed with annoyance at Christmas when it was "our turn" to be with the GDs; and lo and behold, the other GPs were there too on Xmas day itself, in "competition" with us.
I have stopped trying to compete. just send the GDs parcels and letters on a regular basis and keep myself in touch that way. I am under no illusion that DDs family is definitely second in their lives. so be it.
Accept the situation, and life will be a lot less miserable. Hang on in there

My first reaction is ask why you didn't just ask for a cuddle. I do and the other MIL would have to be very hard-hearted to refuse. The second is to ask how you get on with the other MIL. I'm lucky in that the other MIL and I get on very well, both agreeing that our GS is the most gorgeous little boy ever, which means we understand why the other sometimes just has to have a cuddle, immediately! Having said that, she does get to see a lot more of him than I do, purely due to availability (they are retired) and distance. It's not a problem, apart from that, as I've said above. Makes me realise how lucky we both are that we can talk to each other. I would feel perfectly comfortable saying if I felt she was taking over and I think she would be the same.
May take her aside, if you have that kind of relationship, under the guise of a shopping trip or something similar, and have a chat ...

I agree with others that you should directly say that you would like to cuddle your grandchild. It may be that by not saying what you really want to do, others may assume that you are happy not to cuddle the baby! I always believe in keeping things simple and I'm sure that there will not be a problem if you say something like, "Is it OK if I have a cuddle now please?"
You indicated that you are sometimes a bit sensitive and timid. It may be that the others don't realise this and that they don't mean to hurt your feelings.

As others have also said, try to stay calm and positive and offer to help when you can. Everyone will then appreciate you for the kind person that you are!

Xena perhaps it's only me that finds the term "opposing granny" rather disconcerting?

Shades of "and in the blue corner, we have the mother of xxxx, and in the red corner, the mother of yyyy. Seconds out, round one!"

I have 2 DILs. With one I have an excellent relationship (she doesn't get on with her mother very well) and the other is difficult. She is very close to her own mother and seems to see me as a threat. The result is we have a really good relationship with 2 of our grandchildren, but don't know the other two as well. Birthdays are difficult as the MIL and FIL also go and the children clearly have a better relationship with them which is hurtful. It's not for want of trying but we now just hang in there (they are 6 and 8)and make it clear we're there for them . Talking to my son helped and he now ensures we agree specific weekends when we have them. I have talked to him about it down the years and he struggles to manage the tension so I avoid putting him under pressure. As a friend said to me, being a grandparent is about an open purse and a shut mouth. So don't despair - hang in there too and it may even out as she gets older. Good luck!

It's amazing really but this type of issue does seem to occur with sons.

Ha ha ha tigger! See my previous post!!! [Confused]...

The baby is only 8 weeks old. Definitely step back abit, if you have a good relationship with both of them then remember that.

At 2 months old everything is still up in the air, especially if she's breast feeding and/or still bleeding. We don't know if she had a straight forward labour, c section, or if the baby was ok? Was it traumatic? Was the baby OK after she was born? Has she got PND? I'm guessing they aren't sleeping. Lots of factors to think about as to why they don't want to visit.

Think about the bigger picture. It's all still new. If your DIL has a good relationship with her mom then she shouldn't feel like she can't see her everyday (if she wants to) because it's not fair. However if your DIL is thinking 'I wish mom would leave me alone abit!' Then it's only a matter of time untill she talks to her.

Arrange a day/time with your son for you to visit. Ask for cuddles. It's all so new so give them time.

I remember my mil barely acknowledged me in the early days of my marriage then suddenly when I gave birth to our son wanted to be best buddies it was all too late for me and I admit I felt I always preferred my own mothers company luckily I've made a point of getting along well with both my dil long before they had children and consequently have always felt equal to the other granny in seeing as much as I want of my GC.

"The opposing Granny seemed to always be there. Always holding baby. Always buying things. Seemingly indispensable." Quote from "Zena510". I experienced this 5-6 years ago. It was hurtful but I really held my tongue and kept in the background. The novelty wore off for her and now we are fully involved in our grandson's life - pick-up from school, sleepovers, holidays! It's great - exhausting but we get so much love from him. Looking back I am so thankful I didn't express my true feelings!

I am going to sound heartless here - I am not fond of small babies & my dread is always that someone will thrust the baby at me just because I'm a Nanny - I love my Grandchild & step-Grandchildren & we have a wonderful relationship now they are older, my DD's son my youngest GS loves me very much, I get lots of kisses & cuddles - babies don't remember who nursed them most. I do agree it is upsetting to be forced out by another Grandparent but I would definatly ask for a cuddle even if it's when you are ready to leave. Don't forget as they get older they will value the time & give them & not the expensive gifts. I hope all works out for you VintageNanna.

My heart goes out to all Paternal GPs. I am so thankful that I have daughters as well as sons.. The problem is that our DIls have Mothers and they feel more comfortable with them.
I get on with my DILs and luckily one of them is very aware of being fair.
However I do think the post should keep calm and bide her time, as I went a bit mad over the first GC. Luckily born to a DD. But I bought too many gifts and I was in danger of spoiling it for my DD who wanted to choose her own. I got told!!!!
I had to go and live with my DD as she was ill and the baby and I grew very close. I remember the other GPs coming and I held the baby who fell asleep in my arms in front of them. Your post makes me reflect on that.
However, they live near my DD. They have 6 grandchildren so the novelty has worn off a bit for them. I do encourage my DDs to be scrupulously fair.
So bide your time Post and keep calm, and hopefully things will work out in the end.

A brave and honest post legs. I only ever knew one grand parent as a child and we were all terrified of her anyway. I suppose that has coloured my own attitude to my step grandchild who I rarely see. As the third grandma I do not expect much involvement. We cannot offer financial support and the one time I did offer help and support in the early days I was rebuffed in such a manner all conversation in the group ceased and step DIL stormed off. I have kept my distance ever since. I have accepted that the other grandparents are heavily involved and that the child is happy and I cannot have the sort of relationship I would like. My only regret is there is a granddad (my SO ) who is missing out which he thinks is a form of punishment for getting married again. ?

Don't generalise! I am a paternal GM,*janeayressister*. I was the first GM to cuddle all my new GC, each on their very first day. I always got on well with my DiLs who both stayed with me (separately) for a while when they came back from working abroad and my DSs found work away from home. The girls found themselves temporary jobs until they could join the boys and get on with building their careers. We rubbed along very well sharing my house - and even my car sometimes.I love them both dearly and they have been very good to me - shared holidays and Christmases. One set of GPs are in Ireland and the others in the Midlands though DiL's mum sadly died recently. She was a lovely person. There was never any rivalry.