Husband says "He's Had Enouh"

Excuse the typos, my laptop keyboard playing up

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. I really sympathise.

The thing about his request about living separate lives that puzzles me is that if this is all about you not being at his beck and call wont that make it even less so?

You said you cook and clean etc for him, well that will go out the window obviously. You're not the cleaner after all. You will have no reason to be in his company at all.

So he has shot himself in the foot there.

I think this is an effort to control you and to put the fear of god into you at the same time. Maybe suggest to him if that's the way he wants it you suggest he ( or you ) will announce the parting of the ways at the weekend. I suspect you'll see some serious back pedalling.

He wants you back in your place - right under his thumb.

Don't worry that he was a divorce lawyer, he's not the only game in town and there will be equally good ones available.

The whole point I think is what do YOU want?

Once you have that clear , you'll know what needs to be done.

Good Luck.

I think your comment about him being controlling has some bearing on the situation. Since you retired he has lost some of that control and doesn't like it! He is playing mind games!
I hope you reach a satisfactory compromise and manage a stress-free future.

You're both in your mid-60s - not 80s, sounds like he is happy to retreat from the world, and is acting like an elderly man, whereas he's at an age when some people are running countries, political parties, big businesses etc, He seems happy with just mowing the lawn and walking the dog. Nothing wrong with that, but he can't stop you getting out and about while you are fit and active. Do you invite him on any of your activities? Maybe he's a bit depressed with life? Is your lack of interest in sex a symptom of your negative feelings towards him? If you were happier with him could your interest be rekindled? Maybe these things should be discussed with a counsellor. As for the party , I don't think I could cope with that, but you should make the decision soon.

Don't understand what it is he wants. Is he just not interested in sex anymore and this is a way out, the separate lives but still living together bit, how would that change anything? It would be what you have now. Good luck.

I do not think his previous career as a divorce lawyer is relevant. If it came to it, you too would get a lawyer whose job it would be to defend your interests.

But I think Hilda's post is interesting - she and her OH have found a way to preserve the best that they have built up, whilst adapting to new feelings and situations. Her important point is I think the word "respectfully." Is there any respect left from your side?

He does sound a bit controlling. Only you can decide whether that is of a degree that is so unacceptable that you do not wish to continue.

Sexual incompatibility is a difficult one and cannot be negotiated without some respect on both sides.

That's very hard, Trueblue, and hurtful. There could be several different reasons for his ultimatum.
The way you tell it, it could be a temporary thing, and after all that time together, I would sit it out for a while, and hope his feelings change.
Don't rush into anything.

Can I ask what went wrong in his previous marriage?
Was is that Previous W was not traditional enough for him.
Has he ever discussed with you how he went about the divorce.
I only ask as it might give you some pointers as to how his mind works.
Could be a help if you do decide to part.
Do you have a trusted friend in your circle of friends who is also a lawyer?

Be careful though if your H is a 'frustrated bored' solicitor he will enjoy the divorce settlement process especially the 'look how clever I am

I speak from a similar situation of a'Lawyer Divorce' in my family

I'm sitting it out for the moment. Have just offloaded onto a sympathetic friend, which helps me feel stronger. She knows him and can ascertain his motives. Thinks it might be a sort of depression and late mid life crisis.

I think the family lunch party will help break the ice a bit with us, as DH always cheers up when his family & friends are here.

It's a coincidence that the last time we discussed seperating with in July 3 years ago. It must be something to do with the summer!

Sex is not really the problem. I just got annoyed with him because he wanted a 'leg over' this morning without any affectionate cuddling beforehand. Said I didn't want to feel like an object. Then it all came out about him not liking me.

Sorry to be so blunt, but mens egos can be very delicate in that regard!

Well - I guess he does not like you when you say no! But that is just tough. He is too big a boy to stamp his foot and demand his rights!

He might of blurted out a lot of things without really meaning them trueblue. Act normally and carry on as usual and perhaps suggest you have a heart to heart next week after the family gathering. Thinking of you.x

I m trying to sit on the fence here as obviously we only have your side of the story My first thought was it sounded as if you were just 'fitting' him in not really wanting to do things with him as you highlighted in the political night when you said you were glad he didnt want to go and 'fitting' him in to your busy schedule would stop you from feeling guilty at doing stuff without him Maybe you have just outgrown each other and as you have grown in mid life he has retreated and you've got too far apart.
You dont really want to have sex with him and he seems to prefer the dog for his kisses and i guess the dog wont object It all sounds sad for him as well as you ...is counselling a choice or would he poo pooh that It does feel that you both need some movement if you want to stay together or a completely clean break
Two separate lives under one roof will NEVER work in my opinion

Hugs

He's trying to bully you. He wants you back under his control. You have a life. He has chosen not to have one.

If he wants separate lives then let him have it and see how long he wants it for. That means you only look after yourself. He has to do his own shopping, cooking, washing, ironing etc. You are his wife not his servant. If he doesn't want a wife then he's on his own.

Do not bow down to him. Once you give into emotional abuse in order to keep the peace, the abuser will then move the goalposts and you are on the slippery slope to total control. Believe me I've been there.

Funny how 'delicate' certain peoples' egos can be....when they can be blunt and bullying.

He wanted sex yet is talking about living separately yet apart? There is a lot going on here and only you know the true position and what you want out of your life.

Love is important, as is friendship and companionship but there are two other things that will always stand a couple in good stead...and believe me I know from experience......they are Trust and Respect. Without these two any couple will grow to resent even loathe each other and that's never a recipe for a future life together.

vampirequeen what happened to you?

P.S. I heartily agree with what vampirequeen says...its how my darling Mum 'lived' her life. A life that lead to three children having very damaged upbringings, but that's another story.

Sell the house. Use your half to move back closer to your adult children and enjoy your life without this boring old man.

Oh well, maybe living alone for 25 years has its merits !

anya assuming the house is jointly owned, it would be very difficult to get him to part with his share.

I agree that the OP needs to think carefully about what's at her disposal. She's probably going to be in shock for a while. I'm guessing it'll take a good while for her to absorb the ramifications of what her "d" h has said.

hilda yes to bullies having fragile egos when it suits them.

OP hope you're ok and posting that posting your dilemma is helping.

Jealousy and control are key words I think and I think he feels he has lost control of you.

If he wants you to live in the house and leave separate lives, he can't expect you to cook and shop for him, otherwise it will be much the same as it is now. I suppose at the moment you do socialise together.

Your comment he use to be a divorce lawyer is a bit worrying and it is important you know your rights.

Warning!

Unfortunately I think there are a lot of attractive ladies out there who would be very happy to care for your husband and wait on him hand and foot in return for a comfortable home and living with a retired solicitor who is intelligent, charming and knows how to flirt.

ajanela sadly I agree. He seems charming enough-to everyone but the OP.

Flirty? Scheming manipulator more like.

gettingonabit:

assuming the house is jointly owned, it would be very difficult to get him to part with his share.

Why is that? I have absolutely no legal knowledge- but in the case of a divorce after many years- isn't the wife automatically entitled to 50% and 50%of pension too?

granjura divorce is complicated. It's rarely a split down the middle. But the dh in question will know that, being a divorce lawyer!

The OP needs to take legal advice to establish the best course of action for her.