Husband says "He's Had Enouh"

Agreed totally that she needs professional advice- and not from one of her DH's friends. But generally speaking- this is the case no, re 50% of house and pension.

So, what is the " bottom line"?

Do you really want to have him in your life? Or would you be happy if someone could wave a magic wand to let you start again?

So many people are afraid to let go of the "security" that being part of a(n imperfect) couple provides. Would it be so terrible to go it alone?

I have a friend who was involved in a horrible situation, but she decided that her " bottom line" was that she wanted her family to stay together. She did what she felt she had to do, and, 20 years on, they are a happy family.

I am sure all the other posters are right in their advice but one thing puzzles me. You say he gets upset when you phone your children when he is not around and says he wants to talk to them too. Why do you phone them when he isn't there? He is made to sound controlling and demanding (which he may well be) but perhaps he's lonely and depressed. You should not adapt your life to fit round what he wants but is there some compromise to be had? Is it worth suggesting he goes to see a GP and perhaps gets some anti depressants?

crafting He doesn't seem to be depressed. He says he enjoys pottering around at home & taking the dog out. He's very gregarious when with friends. He just says he wants me around more.

I suppose he could be lonely when I'm not there. My 'problem' is that I've a low boredom threshold and like to walk or do something interesting. I'm not very good at pottering. Even when I relax I'm usually on the laptop with the radio on. After 34 years, he should have come to terms with my personality. I have his.

You say he wants you around more but you also say he says he doesn't like you. He doesn't sound as if he knows what he wants at the moment. Perhaps you need to decide if you want the marriage to continue . If you do could there be one or two things you do together,possibly new things? eg game of Scrabble at home or trips to theatre/ cinema? Or a new interest such as a U3A group? Try not to take things he says too much to heart.We all lash out at those we love the most when we feel low or unfulfilled.

Reading totally between the lines I think he sounds lonely 'for you' Men are notoriously incompetent about saying what they are really feeling his seeming 'control' may be fear and not knowing how to get back what he feels he's losing
Men also think sex will make everything better (silly boys)
To be honest again reading between the lines you sound like you don't really want to be with him as a person but want the security of the marriage so maybe his suggestion of staying together but not togeher is his clumsy way of trying to sort things for you both
You say after 34 years he should be used to you, but he perhaps was when you were all working, he now has to find his way around a new set of rules, you out and about without him, without to his mind a valid reason ( before work was valid) obviously you don't want to sit in twiddling your thumbs I think you need to decide if you love him enough to make any sacrifices and that would need to be more than one day out of seven basically If you love him you would want to find a way maybe you no longer love him and then a clean break at whatever age is best all round

Set up your own email address. Sharing one with him gives him too much access to your emails and allows him to be in control. Remember the reason you asked me to post here.

Being in your sixties doesn't mean you can't change your life and have a new one. You are an independent woman . I stayed far too long with a controlling and then physically abusive man. I left a 42 year marriage at 61. I've never been happier than I am now. I should have left years ago but you can't change the past, but you can change the future. The divorce process was horrible and long drawn out because he was so manipulative bu everybody outside thought he was " such a nice man" little did they know! Good luck! Take some control back

He's planning or having a sexual relationship with someone else .

He was just frustrated at not getting sex in the morning when he woke with an erection , no idea that you didn't share his selfish feelings . Sex in the am has been the breaker in many relationships

aggie I think you hit the nail on the head! ha ha. Still, I'm playing it very cool today and unnerving him quite a bit.

I think your comment tired old woman is a bit harsh.

Could the first step be to have your owm bedroom and your own single bed. I was amazed to read with all that dislike and confrontation you were sharing a bed.

Try that. Is he your Bridge partner? If he is and he is good he would be a loss, speaking as a Bridge player. He might be jealous of your playing more Bridge at a higher level without him.
My experience of Bridge is that the men are often controlling and always right. I play with women partners for this reason.
Then if you really don't like him then leave him you are too young to just carry on when you could be free and even go out evenings again instead of sitting with him.

MargaretX We've had separate bedrooms for 10 years. Wouldn't have it any other way.

He nows I play better bridge than him, but I don't criticise him too much when he hasn't got a clue on correct bidding. His play is good though.

I like playing bridge with men, they don't mind me being rude to them. Women can be a bit sensitive...me included I suppose

Trueblue -that's wher I'm gong wrong with BRidge. I should try insulting the men more but honestly GermanS are not always polite players and I find the women easier

I know I'm going off the thread but do you play online with BBO
I do most evenings.

margaretx Yes, I'm trueblue22 on BBO. I tend to play tournaments although Ican sometim es be found in Acol room. What's your profile?

If he wants you both to carry on living in the same house and you are out all the time what does he say will change sounds to me like he wants to get out there and maybe meet other women as he mentioned your lack of interest in sex but still have the convenience of a wife at home call his bluff and put the house up for sale.

I apologise if I have missed something but I'm a little confused. Your husband has said that he wants a traditional wife (I assume he means someone at his beck and call) or you lead separate lives under the same roof? So, the reality of that (emotions aside) would be worse for him than it is now. You would continue your activities, the stuff you currently do together would stop and he'd have to do his own shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. He'd be in a worse position than he is now so what does he have to gain? Could it be that he is simply disgruntled and thinks throwing this at you will bring you to heel

Hmm. Beginning to think might know where OP DH is coming from.

Haven't read the whole post but have one point. Sorry if it's already been said. Separate lives makes him responsible for himself, his washing, cooking, shopping etc. Maybe you need to make him aware of that.

I wonder OP if you could encourage him to cultivate some interests of his
own ? My OH was at a loss when he first retired until he found something that really interested in now he spends more time on his own interests than I do on mine.
We're far happier for it and I don't feel that I am responsible for his entertainment.

For me, separate lives would mean separate laundry, meals, cleaning, shopping, etc. Does he want you to stay as a live in servant and continue with all of the daily chores involved with running a home?

Maybe he wants your company more but if he won't do things with you he is making it difficult. You say you also say you spend a lot of time on laptop/computer playing bridge my hubby hates me being on too long as I do him both feel ignored . Maybe he is missing work more than he lets on and is feeling a man with no purpose . It must be a horrible time for you both and I hope your present situation is over soon whichever way it goes ?

He's sulking really isn't he - you're not at his beck and call so much and you are enjoying life. Men can get so grumpy when they retire - it's their own fault - they don't keep up
with friends the way women do, they do 't have the house to look after, they often don't have hobbies.
Would he like to try a couple of

weeks on his own somewhere- sampling what life on his own would be like ? You can't be totally
responsible for his social life - what
would happen if you suddenly popped your clogs?
What a lot of men fail to realise is
that sulking is deeply unattractive,
deeply unsexy and a huge turn off. Why would you be interested in sex when he's a grumpy old sod??
Young , dark, moody and fabulously attractive is one thing , old, moody and grumpy is another!!
You could tell him to shape up or ship out !!

You sound so positive and full of life, yet it seems that your husband's moods and sulking are dragging you down.

Possibly counselling might help, or it might be time to go your own separate ways.

Good luck with whatever you decide. You deserve better!