Husband says "He's Had Enouh"

Thank you true blue and good luck what ever you decide.

Stay together and turn a blind eye. Many older (or rich) couples do this, and have a happier relationship in the end. You don't want to be getting into all that splitting everything up, selling houses etc. It is far too much trouble. Separate rooms, and Sunday dinners with family is the sensible thing to do in my opinion.

trueblue just wanted to say I started writing my earlier post before you posted your latest update - got interrupted! Good for you sticking up for what you want. At least it sounds like he wants to make an effort to improve the situation. Perhaps you could think of some ways for him to become more active out of the house. If he relies on you too much to do things with, you could end up having the same problem in another three years. I know how hard it is though for some men to make new friends by doing something new. My DH is like that.

the husband seems to have retired too much too soon without any interests or hobbies to occupy his mind. My son is 67, retired, just got a degree from the Open University, plays in a jazz band, plays golf, secretary of Historical Society and runs an online consultancy business.He and his wife have been happily married for 47 years. They also look after their three small grandchildren. She has her hobbies and activities.

Trueblue, it sounds as though you are both making an effort to sort things out. Would you not consider couple counselling again? I am a great believer in having a professional, detached third party to help weather these storms, or to help figure out whether it in fact is just a storm...

trueblue I think you have done the right thing, standing up for yourself and then negotiating. As you say he is trying to make an effort and you are offering something in return.

It may be that once he realised he couldn't just boss you around and expect you to cave in, he realised that far from his threats bringing you to heel there was a real chance that you could separate and he could end up living on his own, looking after himself and as I doubt that is what he really wants, he is realisng that it is in his best interests to make things work. Just make sure he isn't just trying to charm you back into submission and be prepared to continue being assertive.

Can't believe you think that is the way forward Pollengran, we have moved on hopefully from those times. Wives are no longer appendages to their husbands. Better to be on your own than with someone you are not happy with, I speak from experience.

I do think that the OP should invest some time in getting her husband to meet more people as Bijou says. Her son has a variety of interests. How about getting him to join Mumsnet and give some of the poor souls on there decent advice on divorce or perhaps volunteering with the CAB? Lot of compromise in marriage IMO

Christinefrance- I so agree. It seems such a Victorian concept and certainly would not be for me ever- just couldn't live with the deceipt and would much rather have a much more frugal life than this - sorry pollengran.

Trueblue22, my heart goes out to you. I was in this position several years ago. He just came home, informed me 'he couldn't do this any more', inside a day, he was gone and my world had changed. In retrospect, things hadn't been good for a long time, and I was a doormat, scared of his moods and so lacking in self confidence I hardly knew where I was. It felt like he had chipped away at my character year after year, to the point I was invisible, and he would only notice if I disappeared altogether if a meal wasn't on the table when he got home from work!
My mantra became 'one day at a time'. But I coped. I came to realise in some ways my marriage had been abusive, and his new lady was welcome to him. In the following year, I discovered what a complete b.....d he was, but that is water under the bridge now.
I thought no one else could possibly think I was worth a second glance, but was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man, who was quite simply my sole mate. He put this emotional car wreck back together, he introduced me to a sex life, after I had, to my embarrassment, admitted to decades of celibacy as I was rejected in that department by my ex. Our new life together wasn't always easy, soon after we met he was diagnosed as terminally ill and I nursed him right to the end and was with him as he passed away. To lose him is almost unbearable, but the tears are worth it for the all the wonderful times we had in our all too brief our time together.
My point is, that you can never know what is in the future. You deserve a good future, one where you matter, and what you want matters. If this is not with your husband, it's sad, but by no means the end of the world. Taking time for yourself is important, as is making your own choices now. Good luck for the future, you don't know what it will be, but be assured, it will be worth it. Take care.

Good luck trueblue22. I have been reading the thread and not commenting because much of what I would say has been said. We are all different and therefore each relationship is different and only you can know if it is what you want/need.

One thing that did catch my eye was your comment and I've changed considerably recently. I wonder if this was after the counselling? I wonder if that confronted you with the vision that life may not always be as it was then?

There will be no perfect decision but you do both deserve some happiness.

Pleased you had a positive outcome gannyrowe. I had personal counselling about 13 years ago when I felt as you did. I had begun to want personal fulfilment after the children had left home and DH has been dealing with that since that time. Probably not really coming to terms with it.

He keeps asking me 'is everything ok', which means he is probably sensitive to my feelings now.

Luckily, I have pots of self worth and don't/won't put up with being undermined. At my bridge club the host says they never have to protect me from the abusive players/partners as I always stand my ground!

He sounds pretty awful I must say. I would say ok to separate lives in the same house. Don't cook for him or do his washing, ironing etc. Just look after yourself and do whatever you want. Move into the spare room, make new friends, go out as much as possible. Visit family on your own and tell them you and hubby have fallen out.

Good luck.

Granjura and Christinefrance, I can see your point, but I don't think it is old fashioned at all. Think of all the stress and upset of dividing up a lifetime of memories, then selling up, moving to a new area to a smaller house and coming home to nobody.

I can see the point if the marriage is violent or mentally abusive or both, but it isn't the case here. Trueblue has said she can stand up for herself, so I would agree with Luckyfour and let him do his own chores. That might keep him busy, and if he is busy, he might cheer up

I just came across this old thread of mine. So sad to read it and how things have transpired since.

Fours months after I posted it, we sold our seaside home and had moved back to London to be nearer our daughter and grandchildren. We loved our new house and being back in the bosom of our family again.

Six months after moving back, in May 2017, DH died suddenly and unexpectedly in front of me. What a shock!

So now he really HAS left me and i am learning to cope on my own. Thank goodness I did have my hobbies, need for independence and friends! Perhaps I did these things because subconsciously I knew I would be left.

TrueBlue22, so sorry your husband died. There was obviously great love between you and I am glad you
had that fresh start if only for a short time.?

I’m so sorry, trueblue, a shock indeed, .

Trueblue22 I can sympathise.
My DH has recently retired and does not find it easy. There are some aspects of his work that he can continue in a voluntary capacity and he is happy to do so, but so far has found nothing new he wants to do. I haven’t pressured him but have made a few suggestions which have all been turned down.
I have never heard him say he is looking forward to more holidays or trips out together.
I have a busy life in retirement. On one of the days I am out all day, I asked him to prepare the veg and put the bins out. Nothing was done, even though he had agreed to do it.
So we are almost living separate lives.
We have just had lunch out but had nothing to talk about, not in public anyway.
My advice, for what it is worth, would be to just carry on doing what you want to do, and not give up any of your activities to be his servant.
If things get worse, tell your daughter what he is like, so you have some family support.
Consider a long term solution, that will work for you.

Trueblue22, I am so sorry, I missed seeing that last page before I posted. What a shock!
I do apologise for any offence or hurt caused by my intrusive remarks.
I hope you find happiness long term.

So sorry to hear,but personally I couldn't stay in a relationship if my OH felt like that.As your still an active,busy and interested person I would say split things 50/50 and make yourself a new life without this man.

I am sorry that dh passed, Trueblue22

Have you suggested he look in the mirror. x

I think that your last comment says it all, he resents your independence. You seem to have a choice, give up all your hobbies, be his ‘traditional wife’, and be miserable, but stay married. Or be yourself and leave him behind. It doesn’t seem that he will let you have both. I think you should cancel the Sunday event and stand your ground. I can understand how hurt you must be feeling but I think that he needs a bit of a reality check, make your self heard and don’t just do what he wants.

Blimey, don’t people ever read threads properly?

Sorry to hear your new trueblue, that must have been a shock.
At least you were near to your family when it happened and I hope you are learning to live your life independently now with their help and that of your friends.