Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

Hi Grans, I haven't been on here for a while as I was feeling so down about everything and had a constant headache and not sleeping well. So I thought it was time to see the Dr. He was very young but really lovely and asked me about what was going on in my life to make me so sad (I was welling up) I told him briefly about my family circumstances and that I'd had talking therapy 3 times through the GP and he said I should try antidepressants. I said they wouldn't make the problems go away and he said, no but they'll help me to cope with them better. That was a week ago and this morning I woke up without a headache for the first time in weeks! I've never suffered from depression before but the situations we all find ourselves in would make anyone depressed. I'm really trying to get on with my life.
Although my ED has been horrible to us I still love her and worry about her especially round Christmas as she doesn't have a partner.
I've been reading all your posts.
Celebgran sorry you're in so much pain. I do hope they find out what's wrong and fix you. I also think that the stress of the estrangement takes its toll on our health. ?
Smileless so glad you're enjoying your new house. It will be good to get stuck in to making it your home and putting your own personal touches in it. ?
Yogagirl I just wonder if someday your ED will see through her Nasty H and realise the damage he has done. You need to put yourself first now and bide your time. None of us know what the future may bring. Although, I know it's whether we find it easy to forgive that may be the problem in the future.
Rhinestone hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. Sorting out the wills was a good move, we did that a while back. Hope there will be some changes now the divorce is through. I still can't get my head round that Trump being president. ?
SparklyGrandma + b0dhiTree I also have a lovely box that I put things in for my EGC. She is my DS little girl age 1 1/2. They split up when she was 8 weeks and DIL won't let us see her. Our solicitor said I can write letters and leave them with the will. I haven't done it yet but put presents and photos of us and her in the box. It is so cruel isn't it to keep DGC from their loving Grandparents.?
To all you estranged ones Love + blessings ???xxxxxxxxxx

It sounds as if the antidepressants are doing some good UkeCan and I think we should welcome anything that helps us to cope with our estrangement.

You're doing great, it's not always easy asking for help but it can make so much difference can't it. Take care.

Celeb it was merely an inquiry, and for your information yes I am estranged from 1 of my children,thankfully there are no GD's from the marriage.But it doesn't make mourning for what might have been your exclusive zone.

Sorry to hear that's granny grace but relieved you not lost any grandchildren,

If you read smileless post I think she exppaims that,rather well.

We welcome anyone on this thread Estranged or otherwise but do feel your comments aren't very pleasant granny grace. I would not wish any other mum to go through what I have and sadly smileless ygagirl and lots more.have I don't think it is just me who is sad why would you say that?

I am thankful for my lovely son and who I do have in my life but of course,I will always miss my daughter and little ones with all my heart.

Ukecan so sorry U been struggling glad tablets seem to be helping
Yes you absolutely right the enormous stress of what we have gone through and carry on going through does affect our mental and physical health.
Keep posting keep strong !
I have resisted anti depressants so far, but can imagine they can be beneficial.,

I had another bad night, in pain thanks smileless for lovely pm
Saw my knee consultant and bless him he is arranging for back scan for me.
After through examination he does seem to think pain could be radiating from back,

Never rains but pours my dh is having lot problems,at work and I am helping best I can he really hates going online but so much is involved nowadays,

Keep strong everyone this season can be tough x

for you and your DH Celeb.

Sorry for your estrangement grannygrace. This is a very inclusive thread and with Christmas not far away, we all need plenty of care and support to help us get through one of the most difficult times of the year and one of the things the last 4 years have shown me, is that that care and support can be found here.

Hi Ladies- Well if it weren't for bad luck we would have no luck at all. At least that's what my DH says. Friday after our very nice Thanksgiving meal, he woke up in extreme pain so much so that he was vomiting. After an hour I took him to the hospital. It was a kidney stone. Poor guy. But they saw it was very near the bladder so he did pass it the next day. He asked me to text his DD who lives 3000 miles away. I did and she texted him back after we go home from the hospital. Then nothing. NOthing for two days. Finally she texted again on Monday night. Maybe I am asking for too much but if you are not going to call then why couldn't she text her dad the day after the hospital knowing how much pain he had been in. I am so sick of this texting thing.
We are all going bonkers over here about the presidency. Shootings, fires, hate crimes...........it does take the mind off the estrangements though. That is until you see pictures of the estranged family all over the internet. And now the holidays. We have a new tree and did not put it up last year and husband doesn't want it up this year. What can I do?

Oh dear rhinestone your poor husband glad he passed stone!

Isnhard but try put your new tree up it sent worth being sad when things as they are make the most of being together,

If I can get some help or diagnosis with my pain I intend to do my best give us both a good Xmas and then we have visit to our dear son straight after.

Do understand what you mean about texting, emails, messages, I personally think sometimes a phone call is important.

Smileless2012 thank you we all try don't we to just get on with things, or we feel we are a pain or burden to those loved ones we DO see.

I wish everyone peace and joy, in spite of estrangements

UkeCan61 thank you for your kind comments and its good to hear you and maybe others have a box for putting presents for DGC in.

Goodness Rhinestone, I hadn't realised there was still such a lot of antagonism going on in the States because Trump is president elect. Either our news isn't covering it or I'm missing the coverage.

Hope your DH is feeling much better, not that I've had personal experience but I understand that passing a kidney stone is extremely painful; poor man.

*Celeb*. I hope that the doctors can get to the bottom of what's causing so much pain then hopefully you'll both be able to relax a little and make the best of Christmas.

Keep hoping to see you post Yogagirl and read all about your DD's wedding. I know you will as soon as you can and I'm really looking forward to hearing all about it.

SparklyGrandma.

Well ladies, we exchanged contracts todayand will complete our sale on Thursday. It's a huge relief as I'm sure you can imagine. We took rather a big gamble buying this place before selling the other but I'm sooo pleased that we did.

Have a good evening everyone.

Wow so pleased smileless ???celebrstions wish u so much health and happiness in new home phew glad gamble paid off

Been long day and yes do hope get some answers soon?

All comes at once got trouble with heating now!

Hello Grans, you may remember me or not, I joined your thread some time ago to talk about my own estrangement from my mother. I'm undergoing massive deep therapy at the moment to help with the acute (cptsd) damage from my own upbringing. Celebgran, Smiles and Lucky - as I've followed you for some time, it would be interesting for me if you'd tell me about your relationships with your own mothers. What were they like? Did they have to struggle much bringing you up? Were they in abusive marriages? What was their relationship like with your grandmothers/their siblings/their dh's? If you're happy to divulge I'd like to know as much as much as possible. I'm now thinking of moving career into 'Inter-generational psychotraumatology' as the subject fascinates me so much. How the mother can pass her own subtle or not so subtle traumas on to her own child, who then often cuts her off and/or then suffers the same thing with her own dc.
I'll start the ball rolling in the spirit of openness. My dm had me at 21. She married my df as a way of getting away from her own family. She had me against her husbands wishes - he forbade her. Throughout my whole life my mother has always had a chip on her shoulder. Life was always all about her and what I could do for her. Looking back now I can see she felt deeply rejected by her own mother -my grandmother. My grandmother is dead now but when she was alive she was very meek and subservient. I know my grandmother lost her brother in WW2 and that her first married home was in a Nissan hut. Life must have been tough. I know my mum was angry and resentful to her own mum but she kept a tight lid on it. I also know my dm was resentful of her only sister. Her sister was the favourite of their childless neighbours and when they died they left their entire substantial estate to her. The sister didn't choose to halve it with my mum who felt very bitter about it. My mum walked out of the house when I was 8 & left me in the hands of a paedophile father. I haven't spoken to her now in at least a decade and I don't regret it. But that's not the point of this post. So, if you're willing, I'd love to hear your stories about your own mothers/grandmothers. Thank you.

Also, I've just thought, it would be interesting to hear where you were in the line of your siblings? I think first children often get a raw deal as the mothers learn from scratch with them. I was a firstborn and so was my mother.

Hi Jammytoast I'm so sorry that you're having deep therapy due to your own traumatic childhood; I hope it's helping.

I've never been particularly close to my own mother. I have a brother 2 years' older and he was, is and always will be the apple of her eye. Don't miss understand me, we had a good relationship and I have many happy memories of my childhood but I was never as close to her as I'd liked to have been.

My parents were both 19 when they married. They were crazy about one another for 18 years; TBH I don't think my mother ever got over the fact that dad left her for another woman. Sadly we were rather divided as a family. My father resented my brother because my mum was obsessed with him and she in turn resented the closeness I had with my father.

My father left when I was 14. I knew things were bad between them but it never occurred to me that he'd leave me behind. In many ways that signified the end of my childhood; mum re married and we moved away only to divorce again. Her third husband was like a father to me and I miss him terribly, he died a couple of years ago. Despite my best efforts, I have no contact with my father now.

I have little contact with my mum. About 12 years ago she was diagnosed with bowel cancer, lost most of her bowel so has a stoma. This has affected her psychologically and she's virtually house bound through the fear of going outside. She's always had mental health problems. 3 times during our childhood she attempted suicide and was once hospitalised due to a break down.

For other reasons which I don't wish to disclose on a public forum my childhood was not what it should have/could have been. My maternal GM was my rock, my constant especially when dad left and mum fell to pieces. She was an amazing woman; strong and resourceful and I often wonder what she'd think if she could see what poor mum has become. The wonderful relationship we had was sadly another source of resentment and jealousy from my mum.

Like me, my mum has one sibling an older sister by 2 years. Granny was the 10th of 11 children that survived, her mother losing 2 in the first few weeks of life.

My father 'phoned last year after at least a decade of silence to tell me his sister had died. When I answered the 'phone he said "it's Bob"!!! not 'dad'. I did 1471 to get his number but didn't call him back.

We moved nearly 4 weeks' ago and I'm wondering if I should ring and give him our new number. I don't really want to contact him or for him to contact me, but I just feel it would be wrong for him to be unable too if he really wanted or needed to get in touch.

Our son's abandonment of us continues to confuse me. Mr. S. had a good childhood and wanted his children to have the same; I believe with all of my heart that that's what he gave both our boys. I wanted them to have the love and security that wasn't always there for me and did all I could to fulfill the secret promise to them that I made at the moment of their births.

Morning all
Boditree [I'm reading & posting] I put cards in their gift sacks [with nice little note from nannie] & money in a savings acc I opened for them, don't have add to send anything. I have saved their first Xmas, Birthday & Easter gifts from when I was first 'cut out', so even if they are 21yrs, I'm sure they will get a thrill to open the presents I bought them when they were toddles. I have also saved some of this gransnet, as it is like a diary, so they will have no doubt how much I loved/love them and how I fought to stay in their lives and did nothing to cause this.
So very sorry to hear you haven't seen your D&GS for 5.5yrs

Smileless so glad to hear how happy you are in your new home. The wooden memory boxes sound great. I think it's very interesting to hear how we all did different things with this estrangement. Myself & Celebgran reached out with lots of heartfelt emails, without success, you have kept quiet without any contact from you to your Son, I then went to court and really regretted it! but we all three [& the other ladies on here] had the same end result; no joy!

Celebgran so sorry to hear you are still in so much pain, I'm still reading & posting, lots of post! We did message each other, so you know my news about the Wedding, which I will share at the end. How amazing that the ambulance man is also estranged from his Son!

Ucan this estrangement most certainly effects our health, I saw some lovely pics of my ND wedding this morning, but my face just told the tale, you just cannot hide a broken heart from your face. My will is made up for my ND and then the GC, a clause saying my estranged D&S to inherit nothing, even if we reunited in the future, as my broken heart, in a thousand pieces, can never heal and the pain can never be forgotten, the special bond I had with my precious GD destroyed and can never be put back as it would/should have been.

*Sparkly 5yrs, such a long sorrowful time, so sorry! This Xmas will be my 5th without my beloveds

Smileless congratulations on exchanging contracts with your previous home, well done in the end

Ucan Tell your hubby to put the Xmas tree up and try to enjoy the festive season. On the first Xmas that I was cut out, I said the same, "No, tree, no deco" but then I went out, as I used to with the C, and bought a lovely real tree, put it up & decorated, it looked & smelled lovely, so cheered me up!

Hello Jammy Sorry to hear about your traumatic upbringing.

My Mother was the sweetest, kindness, most gentle and loving Mother in the world, she was an only child, but very close with her cousins. My nan & granddad were very close with us all and we saw them every Sunday at ours for a roast dinner, my mum was also a fantastic cook. I was the 'baby' of the family, my dad was strict [as it was back then] but an excellent provider, shared any monies he received with us C and was always there, backing you up & helping when the need arose. So good upbringing.

Last but not least; The Wedding...

It was absolutely wonderful, the whole day went off without a hitch and everyone had a fantastic time. Dark Vadar & a white one was there to greet the guest! 'Del-boy' came out just as the Best man was about to give his speak, so funny! There was a top notch DJ,a Master of ceremonies and there should have been a famous singing in the evening, not sure why he didn't appear. I was given lovely presents, one was an engraved silver compact mirror, I will treasure. The bride & groom had a silver cloud Rolls Royce [the one the rich & famous hire, so cost a fortune!] and the bridesmaids and mothers arrived in a stretch Limo!

My ND & I both thought her dad may be a problem, after all the hate mail he sent me, round robin' at the bidding of nasty s.i.l and all the trouble that stemmed from that. I had visions of us verbally or even physically fighting at the reception after he had had a few, but couldn't have been more different, would never have guessed how nice and well behavioued he was

He got me up to dance, quite a lot of the evening, kept kisses my cheek and stroking my hair, I thought he was about to give me a big apologise for all his nastiness when he looked into my eyes and held my gaze but never did, so I take it his behaviour was that, his apology! I knew something was 'a foot' then low-and-behold, near the end of the evening, he sat with me & ND and told us he had been 'cut out' too, saying; "for no reason, I didn't do anything to deserve this!"

So as you so rightly said Ucan, you ever know what the future holds

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201611/medium-384069-15170926-10154587598745498-8061298995227283135-n.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201611/medium-66744-20161126-121848-001.jpg

The Bride & Groom [my ND]

Wow yogagirl what beautiful daughter you have and wonderful wedding dress!
You must have been so proud just focus on that wonderful day and try so hard not to regret what should have been,

Jammy so sorry you had such a troub led childhood.

Like yogagirl I was very lucky my mum was wonderful, she was so caring always, sadly my dad boozed all money he Earnt and I was frightened of him as a child,
He could be loving and caring nand was v proud I passed 11 plus but he never felt need to provide for us.

My poor mum had to clean to make ends meet, and she was 40 when she has us twins,

I adore my twin brother he has never let me down and have barely ever had cross word. He is always welcome to stay when his partner turns funny like she does.

My older sister is another story. She contested will when my mum died, long story but didn't get anywhere. Her husband is not. NIce person won't say why on public forum but just say I was only Twelve when they married and he didn't behave well,

My sister also behaved badly when our aunt died and left all three of us equal shares of all she had. My sister took all jewellery and vauluable possessions I let it go as only couple years since losing my dear mum and it was r worth the arguments.

We will never be close for obvious,reasons,
Her daughter seems take after her dad for nastiness and wrote us anonymous letter which police traced, if something it done on computer it is tracable. Very distressing as before my niece split with her partner we had been big part of her life.

I never knew any grandparents, my parternal ones Irish ? died when I was small and maternal ones before I was born.

I did my best inreally did to do all I could for both my children, that is my personality a perfectionist and I wanted them to have all i didn't.

My son says i was a lovely mum but my daughter decided I was t after twenty eight years of constant emotional and finanancial help. I try not to be e bitter, but am certain she would not have cut us off while at uni or when wanting money for her house.

Such is life and one day she will have to face what she has done.

I can go to my grave knowing I did my best for my mum who died thirty two years ago of cancer, I did everything I could for her up to end, likewise my beloved father in law who passed eight years ago next month. He was the kind dad I. NEver had and I miss him desperately. He was constant love and support familymwas everything to him.
Sadly my mother in law passed two years after my mum so double whammy she was lovely lady who I bonded with completely.

Wow yogagirl good that your ex was so attentive and kind, so glad there wasn't any unpleasantness weird he too cut off.

Smileless so sorry you didn't have good childhood and weren't close to your mum. I still think of my mum and what she would have said every day,

It made me cry to think of your promise to your sons, that is so sad.

On brighter note dr insaw was very good, he thinks pain defintiely radiating from back have wait for MRI scan for that and he has given me better nerve pain relief to take
As thinks is trapped nerve, fingers crossed get scan soon,

Yogagirl your ND looks beautiful in that wedding dress, you must be so proud. So sorry to hear how things are for you.

In terms of family past - my DS father did not speak to his own mother, my first MiL for 4 years in the 1980's. She cut him out of her will - he is/was an only child. When he made contact again, she straightaway changed her will back. My DS saw all this, as children can do.
I got on very well with her my MiL but she sadly passed 13 years ago after a hip op went wrong.

celebgran I hope your pain is solved soon. I hope we all have some kind peace this Christmas.